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Is this a normal level of nerves? Or should we back out?

(35 Posts)
DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 20:55:31

We're in the early stags of buying a house, and most of the time when I think of it I either want to cry, or I feel sick.

I'm not sure if this is just a normal level of nerves given that
- we're moving from a much loved home which we have outgrown to a project which might not feel like home for years
- we're moving to a new area which is better for schools and more affordable but still feels sad to leave this area
- house, plus work thats needed, is at top of our budget and will mean a lot of belt tightening for next few years at least
- house isn't perfect; ticks a lot of boxes but its not my dream for a family home

I think part of it is that when we began the search I was excited by all the possibility; all teh choices out there. Now circumstances have changed and our budget is lower and the new house is very similar to this one, but bigger. So it doesn't feel exciting and new, just sad to leave this one which I love. I'm telling myself that this will just be for a few years, until the kids are in good schools and we can move to a home that is closer to my dream.

But shouldn't I be excited? Is this normal nerves? Can someone hand me a grip, if needed?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 03-Aug-15 20:58:13

I think if the thought of owning it and moving in makes you cry, or feel sick then it isn't the house for you. A few nerves amongst all the excitement would be normal, but not the anxiety you are showing.

DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 20:59:25

I should add the changed circumstance is that our current home didn't sell in timeframe we needed it to so we're now renting it out - this is what makes the finances so daunting as we'll have two houses to maintain. We've planned the budgets and we are confident it's do-able with some sacrifices, and ultimately it could be a good thing if we can sell in a few years and prices have gone up (as expected because there is planned investment in this area).

But it is sort of a circumstance under our control as we could just keep trying to sell and risk not moving before schools deadline next year. So I think that is making me nervous too - have we made the right choice to rent not sell?

specialsubject Mon 03-Aug-15 21:00:04

no, that's too many 'buts'. Wrong house.

have a hard think about whether you really need to move.

specialsubject Mon 03-Aug-15 21:01:15

hmm, just seen updates. Hope you are rock-solid on insurance, can cope with voids etc etc.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Mon 03-Aug-15 21:07:39

If you ultimately sell your current home after renting it out, you will have to pay Capital Gains Tax on the profit as it is no longer your home. This is presuming you are in the UK OP? Am I right?

I was kacking myself when I bought this place as the amount to do was immense. Once I got my eye in though, I have loved doing it and adore the place now.

DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 21:08:40

specialsubject, yes we've done the budget for renting based on 11months occupancy each year and with a (hopefully) reasonable amount for maintenance as well as insurance. We're quite cautious financially so this really is a big decision.

Right up until this year I didn't think we needed to move but we do need more space, and schools near us aren't great.

Strangely, you all telling me its the wrong house is also making me want to cry. I think I do want to move (fed up of feeling cramped, and o the uncertainty about where our home will be) but always envisaged I would leave this place for somewhere I loved. Should I list the positives, maybe I have focused too much on negatives?

blessedenough Mon 03-Aug-15 21:10:30

Del are you me? We are in the exact position and have done the same thing. It's daunting as its a massive financial risk but one I have weighed up and am sure long term will work out. We were previously mortgage free but we have been landlords before so we know what we are letting ourselves in for. We have a good financial buffer but its still nerve wracking.

The new house will probably be our forever family home but its still a compromise, location etc. We also felt pushed by school deadlines.

Good luck

blessedenough Mon 03-Aug-15 21:15:27

Tell us all the positives. For us its a bedroom each for kids, seaside location, good schools, nr family, eat in kitchen, garage, garden and more space. We will need to tighten our belts too but the house has nice bathrooms and kitchen and everything else is livable but not to our taste. I am really excited the buying process has been torture but the end is insight.

DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 21:15:59

TwoTwenty, yes we'd pay capital gains tax so we wouldn't make much and that is all rather uncertain. But we're in SE so hopefully prices won't fall so much that we would make a big loss.

The decision to rent is more about facilitating a move before end of this year than trying to make a profit.

DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 21:28:35

blessed, the positives are:

- much more space, bigger garden which is south facing (which was/is important to me)
- lots of period features and scope to really make it our own
- eaves rooms (which I love; one of them I earmarked for a bathroom with freestanding bath when funds allow)
- very close to good schools for primary and secondary
- good commutes for me and DH
- still close (or good transport links) to both our families and also to the church we attend
- not on main road (currently we are)
- area is close to shops and ransport (another area we were looking at was nicer in some ways but further from amenities)
- vendor chain free and so are we so could go quickly
- got it for a decent price for the area (more space than we could have afforded in a better maintained house)

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Mon 03-Aug-15 21:29:08

Could you go there alone and try and get a feel for the place without interruption? I did this before moving here as I was uncertain. I wanted to know how it felt for a whole day. Traffic noise, where the sun rises and sets, just the vibe if you like. Had I not done that, I probably would have backed out. It's a very visceral thing and until you get that connection, you will continue to feel the way you do I fear.

blessedenough Mon 03-Aug-15 21:50:53

Del sounds great loads of positives. I have moved alot pre dcs and rarely loved the house - I did it as I was renovating and going up the ladder, by the time I sold I always loved the place and was sad but excited to move. When you invest time, money and effort in a place you end up falling in love with it. Your new place sounds like it has the bones of a fab house, there is always a compromise.

I love love love our current house it's where I came home to after our wedding, brought our babies home etc but I am so excited about the next stage of our life in new house. This will be the house that my dc think of as their family home.

DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 21:55:00

Going again would be a good idea - it's tenanted so might be tricky but EA could maybe let me in one Saturday. I've actually only seen it once. (DH twice) but since it had been reduced for a quick sale (a previous sale fell through) we felt we needed to offer quickly before it ended up being taken or we got into a bidding war.

So it was a quick decision, perhaps that is also why it feels/ is wrong?

blessedenough Mon 03-Aug-15 22:03:37

Hubby and I discussed how we have spent longer choosing a new bed than a new house. This new house I have seen 3 times, hubby has seen it twice. I think I have spent 40 mins in total in the house, it is weird. The EA was sniffy about showing me around for a 3rd time!!

DelBoyImNot Mon 03-Aug-15 22:10:09

blessed we do sound very similar - I moved into this flat the day after we got married smile

I always hoped I would feel like you about the next house we moved too - sad, but excited. There are things to be excited about in the new house, I just wish I felt more peace about it.

blessedenough Mon 03-Aug-15 22:28:00

Early on in the process I adored the house, there were other offers but our chain was best and we won it, I was so happy. Then our buyer messed us about and eventually pulled out and I was devastated as I thought it would go to someone else.
Then we managed to arrange enough money to buy it, the mortgage process was so torturous it totally put me off the house and I was meh about it. Now many many weeks down the line I am excited again, hoping for an exchange rate at the end of this week.

DelBoyImNot Tue 04-Aug-15 09:32:01

Sounds like it's worked out well blessed, hope you the date is soon.

I've tried to imagine how I'd feel if we don't buy this house and someone else does - it does make me sad but not sure how much of that is sadness that we wouldn't be moving. Also sadness to be back at square one in terms of looking and so forth.

But, most people suggested it's probably not the right house, so what now - if we do pull out, do we just tell EA we've changed our mind? Do we need to give reasons?

calendula Tue 04-Aug-15 11:47:27

Your list of positive aspects is very strong. It sounds to me like you are anxious about change in general rather than that the house is wrong.

DelBoyImNot Tue 04-Aug-15 12:13:36

Calendual I think that is a big part of it. Leaving behind the place I had my babies as my last mat leave comes to an end. All that kind of sentimental, end of era feeling, combined with the stress of a huge financial decision which could go against us.

I think I just need to have a really big cry and work out how I feel after acknowledging the emotion (sorry a bit woo) but there is so much to do I can't sit and cry!

blessedenough Tue 04-Aug-15 12:47:28

If you want to back out of sale just ring agent and do it, you don't need to give a reason. This happens all of the time so its part of the job to them.

However I do think it's possible to over think things and sometimes you just need to do it. It is a risk renting out a house but you are SE so market is strong and if the worse happens you sell and move back - that's what I keep telling myself! Having a financial buffer should give you some reassurance, it does us.

I am excited about the memories I will create in our new house, this will be the house my dc remember, this one which means so much to me won't mean anything to them.

My big fear is the responsibility of being a landlord, we have done this before and when it's good its easy but when it's difficult its a nightmare. Good luck with whatever you do, keep us updated.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 04-Aug-15 12:57:54

I've just done this. Left the house where both my children were born, where we first got married and where my DC were very settled in school and nursery and I had lots of friends I didn't want to leave behind. Also not a forever house for us and less money than we thought we'd spend and renting out old house.

It is the best thing we have ever done. The DC have settled brilliantly and the space has changed our lives. Yes it's not perfect but it is so much better than the cramped space we had before. I felt homesick for my old house the night before the DC joined us after the move but otherwise it started to feel like home after a week and the old house no longer feels like home when we go back.

The buying process was a bit surreal. It never felt very serious or exciting unlike the previous purchase which was a big contrast. But this was a head purchase and the one before had been a reckless heart purchase.

JassyRadlett Tue 04-Aug-15 13:11:02

For me, it's about looking beyond the bricks and mortar - considering not just the house you are buying but the lifestyle that will come with it.

That includes the good schools - so important, and you need to think about how you'd feel if you didn't get a good school. Better amenities - a more active and less car-bound lifestyle? Better commute -more time together as a family. More space and garden - less cramped, fewer arguments as the kids get older, more chances for outdoor stuff like trampolines and kids parties and space for each kid to have their own partch of garden to grow what they like.

And main road - we moved off a busy main road to a quietish one, and oh the difference! Somehow it didn't bother us hugely when we were in a flat on the main road but the day we moved we were so struck by the peace. In a London commuter suburb.

I'm like you. We left the flat where our firstborn spent his first 18 months to a house that wasn't perfect in so many ways. But the fact it wasn't perfect made it affordable. It took ages to feel like it was really ours - lots of paint, new carpet, etc, and I still look sideways at the kitchen which is fine but not what I'd choose and very basic. There were lots of compromises, particularly on outside space.

We've been here two years. It's ours, even the bits we still plan to change. And it was the best decision we could have made in the circumstances.

DelBoyImNot Wed 05-Aug-15 06:42:09

Thanks Moving and Jassy, nice to hear similar stories as it confirms my emotion is probably normal reaction to a big change. But I have been looking forward to the move in some ways (space, opportunity to decorate etc) and so am a bit floored by quite how negative I feel now that its actually happening.

Have asked EA to arrange another viewing, just waiting to hear form tenants. I intend to take lots of floor plans and make notes about which carpets to replace first, which rooms to paint etc so it might feel more like we're in control and making a home.

YY to focusing on the lifestyle elements - though in someways this change will be worse (commute is actually longer than now, but is a good balance between staying close to centre and moving far enough out to get space). But a spare room for guests, an attic so we don't have Christmas decs in our kitchen cupboards, garden, schools, all things I know will be good for our kids and us. Must try to move past the (superficial?) sadness about it being a style of house I didn't want!

Also feel a bit of a failure for not selling house, though all the EAs I've spoken to in our area agree it's been a really slow time with cautious buyers only after bargains.

DelBoyImNot Fri 07-Aug-15 22:10:16

Update if anyone's still interested (and to help me clarify my own thoughts on it all).

Went to view again today, not quite a leisurely uninterrupted visit but had a chance to inspect it all more closely and feel confident it would be ok to move into and live in for the six months or so until we get the refurb work done. Lots of nice period bits I hadn't really noticed.

Felt pretty positive about it, also this week went to visit friends in similar house and they've made the layout work for them really well so that was another positive. In fact began googling salvage fireplaces for one of the rooms.

tonight however am second guessing myself again - makes me think the real issue is the enormity of the financial decision, and uncertainty given the fact that housing market seems to be on brink of a slump. Also some kind of guilt/anger with myself that we're in this position having failed to sell, which in turn is because we took so long to get to a point where I was prepared to admit we had to move. We should have done this all a year ago but I was still clinging to hope that we could make do with the space here because the area is so nice and I love the flat so much.

Thanks again for input everyone, I am inching towards confidence in my decisions!

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