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Would you move if you felt you didn't 'belong'

(17 Posts)
inmyshoos Sun 02-Aug-15 11:33:12

I have lived here 8 years. Still don't feel I belong. Not the way I do when I am in the city I grew up in. I have lived other places even overseas and felt at home and more 'belonging' than i do here. It is very rural and I dont find people friendly. I have a group of Mums from school and I do have a couple of really lovely friends but generally i dont find it friendly here. I know everyone but if for example we had a bbq I don't really know who we would invite, which I find strange after 8 years here.

I think we are quite sociable people although not the life and soul of the party types.

Dc don't have many friends. Again one or two each that we might invite for a play but it is maybe a once a month event.

Does this all sound normal? Would you move? Am I expecting too much?

OnePlanOnHouzz Sun 02-Aug-15 17:01:27

You have the best of both worlds at the moment - friends you can invite and ignore the neighbours!!

we lived in an area before where everyone knew everyone and the summers were just a blurt of BBQ's at each house all summer !was fun but I couldn't do that more than a couple of years in a row - so we moved ! Still have bbq's but now only need to invite the people we want, not the whole street ! Much easier and cheaper too !!!

SusanMichelson Sun 02-Aug-15 17:06:06

I never feel I belong anywhere, and tend to move house about every 5-6 years. That's me being paranoid and bad at interaction though. We had the nicest neighbours in the world and I just felt so worried all the time that I wasn't being nice enough in return, that I was glad to leave.

absolutelynotfabulous Sun 02-Aug-15 17:12:29

Why don't you feel you belong?

I don't feel I belong in my neighbourhood either (urban, naice) and I've been living here for 10 years. But dd is settled, so I don't want to upset that particular applecart.

I personally think friendly neighbours are key, as are friends for dcs.

fairyfloo Sun 02-Aug-15 17:22:27

I would move, it sounds like you really don't feel happy where you are and are a city person at heart. I've lived rurally briefly and I didn't like it, I'm not too bothered about having lots of close friends but at least in a city there's more to do without friends which I prefer really.

I've lived in the same city now for 12 years and although I don't have close friends/neighbours, we have family here and I have friends linked through hobbies (but many of them aren't local). What I like about city life is that there are enough people to always find a group who you have something in common/similar outlook, so you aren't just restricted to whoever happens to be your neighbours (am not particularly friendly with my neighbours, I just have nothing in common with them).

inmyshoos Sun 02-Aug-15 17:43:24

oneplan We don't have friends we can invite. That is the problem. I have a couple of friends but they are at a different stage in life, grown up dc, so they don't want to come over to my chaotic house for a bbq!
Neighbours are not problem neighbours at all but all keep themselves to themselves and have never been round for bbqs etc to each others houses. People just are not that friendly. There is a definite divide between locals and incomers. Frequently people will ask 'who are you?' and whildt i know they mean no harm it does give a feeling of being at someone else's party if that makes any sense.

Dc have very few friends because school is tiny. Dd has never had a friend her age at school as she is the only girl in her year.

I am probably not the best at being a party girl, quite like just a few friends that i can relax with. Bring kids over and have a meal kinda thing, nothing formal or stressy but it just hasnt happened here. It was different in our last place.

susan i never felt like this in last area. But since living here I would say my mental health has suffered to the point of feeling down and occassionally quite paranoid. But then when you live in such a small place people do know everyone's business and that alone can make you feel judged and paranoid.

absolutely just as above really, no other reason to not feel i belong. Dc are very settled at school but definitely lack friends. They are popular at school but no one around weekends/holidays. The:dc play together at school but parents arent interested in arranging outwith school.

absolutelynotfabulous Sun 02-Aug-15 17:59:51

Mmm...it all sounds a bit insular. I think I'd move, given the situation you're describing. Especially if the dcs can't spend time with friends outside school.

Do you have somewhere in mind, Op?

thecountrysideistooquiet Sun 02-Aug-15 18:02:42

shock inmyshoes are you me?? i could have written this almost word by word. I have 1 ds (will be no more) and dh works out of the country for half the year. We have stayed 6 years tomorrow and have just found a buyer after the house being up for sale for 1 week. We are going back to the city and it cannot come quick enough i feel like i have lost my sould trying to fit in when i will never belong and be accepted, my area is very well known for being a very rural isular community, the buyer of our house even said this and they have been in the area 30 odd years and still not been accepted, people make no effort to be friendly. I am glad i tried it, gave it my all but it just never worked out so time to draw the line and move on. I could not keep living like this so we had to sell up.

inmyshoos Sun 02-Aug-15 21:13:38

absolutely insular it is. I think we might just be brave enough to move. It keeps coming up so that in itself tells me a lot.

thecountry your thoughts are like mine indeed, I have given it everything I have and now it is time to draw that line. I have gotten to a point where i am actually so depressed by it all I have almost lost the ability to make a decision. I know deep down that moving is the right thing to do. Certainly if my dc were pre school or had left school and moved on, no way i would stay.

thecountrysideistooquiet Sun 02-Aug-15 21:27:43

For me seeing ds become isolated with no friends was what tipped it from just being about me i saw how he was being disadvantaged and that gave me the strength to follow through. We are half way through the holidays and he has only played with 2 other kids, i am not the same kind of fun to play with he wants kids his own age to hang out with. I kept thinking something was wrong with me and that was why nobody would be friendly with us but i have now accepted that is not the case. I am obsolutely devestated to leave our dream house which we put all our money into renovating but i cannot stay for a pretty house it is not deep down what brings me happiness.

inmyshoos Sun 02-Aug-15 21:35:53

thecountry we are clearly the same person!! Have pm'd you!

Mickeysmonkey Wed 05-Aug-15 04:13:23

We have listed our house for the very same reason. We have a very prestigious address, and our neighbors are all very nice, but they're just not My People. For me, fit is everything. I don't feel like I belong here so we are leaving. In my gut it feels the right thing to do.

If you don't feel as though you belong, do something about it. Life is short. Good luck.

inmyshoos Sat 08-Aug-15 10:38:45

mickeysmonkey sounds like here. Very nice people, very 'middle class' kind of place but I miss the warmth and humour of the very working class town where I lived before. People here are very reserved and keep themselves to themselves.
Been looking at houses past few days and am now getting house ready to go on market.

Good luck with your move mickeysmonkey

WitchofScots Sat 08-Aug-15 10:41:38

I would move if I could. I hate where we live, I don't belong here and miss the small village where we used to live and I had lots of friends compared to none. Unfortunately we are stuck here because of jobs and the stage the children are at with their education.

inmyshoos Sat 08-Aug-15 13:46:59

witch that sounds familiar. We don't have many friends here either. I have 2 very lovely friends who i am sure i will have for life but we dont have many friends as a family if that makes sense.

Are you in a town witch? We are in a rural location wuth houses dotted around. A village would be my preference or a small town. Been to see a couple this week but the village i love the idea of has very little for sale ever! Are you in Scotland too?

pinkje Sat 08-Aug-15 14:30:41

Do you dare to say where you are inmyshoos ?

WitchofScots Sat 08-Aug-15 14:36:21

inmyshoes no, I'm about as far from Scotland as it's possible to get whilst still being on English soil. I'd love to be in Scotland though, it's my favourite place. However the grass is always greener and where we live is a nice enough place compared to many, it's just not my cup of tea.

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