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We can't agree on a house!!!! HELP

(30 Posts)
BumWad Mon 03-Mar-14 20:01:55

We have recently put our apartment on the market which has had a lot of interest and a few offers which seem to be increasing. Me and DH decided to go and view houses last weekend, and well we both argued like mad afterwards about what we were after!

I assumed we would fall for the same kind of house, traditional semi or nice terraced. I immediately fell in love with a 1930s red brick semi, an elderly couple are in it and it indeed needs a heck of a lot of updating (new bathroom, kitchen etc). DH has however just dismissed it saying there's too much work!

The problem is I have fallen in love with it already and have mentally moved in. I know exactly what the bathroom is going to be like and the kitchen. DH is wanting a house ready to move in, which is not my thing as it won't be to my taste!!

It has got to the point where DH won't even discuss it further. He says it will cost too much to do up (I don't think it will and I also know it will add loads of value to the property in a few years to come - neighbouring house that is a bit more modern is £80K more)

Anyways... I know this may seem like a non problem to many but how do I get DH to compromise? I don't want this house to disppear from our grasp and I can just see me saying no to every other house wanting him to cave him. I have even suggested viewing again and getting quotes on the improvements to make him feel easier about costs. He's still not interested...

Mrsladybirdface Mon 03-Mar-14 21:32:47

Who will be doing the work? wink

BumWad Mon 03-Mar-14 21:59:34

Definitely me! The house backs on to a lovely farm and fell area it is beautiful and DH is just shitting on my parade!

snowgirl1 Mon 03-Mar-14 23:08:39

Oh, I feel your pain. I loved the first house we looked at. DH hated it. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to get your DH to change his mind as I failed miserably. Then DH liked a house I hated. I vetoed that. There were loads of houses I liked and he didn't. Eventually after viewing 50 houses, we found two that we could agree on.

The only thing I can say that might give you some hope is that I loved the first one, but I also loved quite a few others that we viewed so you might find another one you love.

PatriciaHolm Tue 04-Mar-14 08:07:39

Ummm, you don't actually mean "compromise" do you, you mean "agree with me". wink

Living in a house with ripped out bathrooms/kitchens/complete redecoration is tremendously annoying and inconvenient, and things always cost more than you think!

I expect your best bet is to have a blitz on seeing all the alternative houses in the area and maybe that will show him that your plan will get you the house you both want as opposed to just settling for something that is meh?

SteamboatSprings Tue 04-Mar-14 08:38:40

You can't buy a property unless you both like it. So my advice would be, keep looking.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Tue 04-Mar-14 11:09:18

Bumwad you need to go and see all the properties that could possibly be in your price range, then make lists of pros and cons of all of them, narrowing it down to houses you'll both consider.

If 'it's got to the point where DH won't even discuss it' then it's a clear no from him, then you're not looking for a compromise you're looking for a total about face from him.

I guess you could still keep it on the list but be fair about adding the downsides.

Tartanpaint Tue 04-Mar-14 17:07:57

What about a compromise? Finding a house that only needs decorating and new kitchen/bathroom

rpitchfo Tue 04-Mar-14 17:12:32

Keep lookong

rpitchfo Tue 04-Mar-14 17:12:49


LadyGardenersQuestionTime Tue 04-Mar-14 17:21:21

How would you feel if the tables were turned? Walk away and keep looking, but you might need to talk about what exactly you re looking for first.

starfishmummy Tue 04-Mar-14 17:31:09

I agree you don't want a compromise, you want him to change his mind and agree with you.
Keep looking

ContentedSidewinder Tue 04-Mar-14 19:28:12

It also depends if you have ever done any renovation type work before, ie so your costings are accurate and the time it takes.

We gutted our last house from top to bottom, fitted en-suite and bathroom, replaced the boiler, fireplace, every carpet and decorated every room in the house etc so we knew when we came to buy this house realistically what it would cost and the work involved.

Re-wiring, re-plumbing etc is something we have never done but my mate had her house re-wired and I couldn't believe the amount of disruption.

I totally understand the want to move into somewhere that is already done, unless you both love trailing round bathroom shops/spending hours online researching then at least go for something that won't eat all your money and time.

Good luck!

GillTheGiraffe Tue 04-Mar-14 20:01:46

I'd try to talk him round if you can. You would have disruption for while but the end result would be a house that has been renovated to your needs and your taste that will keep you happy for many years to come.
I've completely gutted my house inc new kitchen and bathroom. It's not been as bad as I expected.

LondonGirl83 Tue 04-Mar-14 20:49:06

We are (hopefully) near the end of a gut refurb and it's such hard work. No one who isn't keen on the idea should do it (including your partner).

affinia Wed 05-Mar-14 10:07:10

Really important whether you have done anything like this before. We've totally renovated 3 houses and about to embark on an extension. Each time we've said never again and meant it but live in a very expensive area and have never been able to afford what we want. Its unbelievably expensive though. Each time its taken us 4 years and we've extended the mortgage to get the work finished.

Stripping wallpaper? Plaster crumbles away. A houseful of wallpaper is an absolute no no for me in the future! Moving wall? Electrics, pipework etc to be moved. Fitting new flooring? floor needs to be levelled due to uneven joists. Changing boiler? Regulations changed and needs to be relocated. And it goes on and on and on. Then there's the actual décor, once you done one room, the rest looks shabbier and shabbier. Your talking multiple tens of thousands for a whole house refurb. Labour is expensive and its much much harder work than you think.

BUT my DH is very practical, interested in houses, likes to be busy. I'm very interested in design. Still it pushes our relationship to the limits sometimes. You both have to be totally up for it.

BumWad Wed 05-Mar-14 10:15:20

Thank you for your replies.

Most of you are absolutely right. I guess what I am asking is how am going to convince DH this is the right house??

What gets me is that I don't think he can see past the decor and refurb. He sees a house as it is, whereas I'm looking at a house and thinking about what it is going to be like in 5 years time and what I can do with it!

Contented can I ask how much you paid for doing all the work in your house?

The house I love is actually perfectly liveable, the we would only need a new bathroom prior to moving in. Hope it's ok but I've added some pictures, tell me what you think!

BumWad Wed 05-Mar-14 10:17:29

Why is there no add picture icon on here?

Anyway, link to the house:

affinia Wed 05-Mar-14 10:41:51

Ooh it looks like it has a good structure and light and completely see why you love it. It has loads of potential. Love the views.

Garden is very nice and low maintenance so that's one cost you can cross off! I can see why your DH is put off by it if he doesn't want to do work but its probably more cosmetic and manageable than he thinks eg removing the mirrored wall and replastering that wall would probably make a big difference to how he felt about it and be less disruptive than he anticipates.

I suppose it depends whether you can really live with most of it as it is or whether you are really hankering after a total top down refurb.

I know how frustrating it is to have be able to visualise something completely differently and for someone else to see it. Each time with our houses I've had to sit DH down and go through the floor plan room by room to make him see the potential but his practical side then takes over and he gets it.

GillTheGiraffe Wed 05-Mar-14 10:51:13

I'm surprised he's not going for it beacuse it has a large garage!

You could show him this thread.

If it were my house:

Remove fireplace
Remove mirrored stairway
Skim ceilings
New bathroom
Carpet throughout

Kitchen looks dated so I'd aim to do that within the next few years.

TBH your DH is being a bit unrealistic as even if you pick up a new house with everything brand new, it too will have to be updated one day. What then - would he have to move house rather than do it up?

You could probably sort the house out for about �15K.

magimedi Wed 05-Mar-14 10:51:32

It is a lovely house.

But - have you done any of this type of work before? Everything takes 3 times as long as you think & usually costs 3 times as much as you budgeted for. The mess is horrific, especially if you are living there.

You can not guarantee that in five years time it will be worth £80Kmore & I wonder if similar house modernised is a bit over valued as that is a large percentage increase.

If your DH really does not want to go for this house I am afraid you will have to walk away from it. When things are tough & messy & expensive in the middle of renovation it can put a strain on a relationship & if he didn't want the house at the outset it could be even worse.

minipie Wed 05-Mar-14 11:03:24

At first I was going to say don't underestimate the price and hassle of doing that work... but then I looked at the details. I agree with you OP! Your DH just needs some vision grin

It looks like a great house, and the work needed is just cosmetic. It looks pretty well taken care of, just out of date. You can do it bit by bit to reduce disruption.

I found the house that is �80k more, ok it's detached but it's not nearly as nice!

Why don't you find a builder and ask for a second viewing with builder in tow. DH need not know come along smile. Then at least you can have a good idea of how much the work will cost and (very important) how long it will take.

Is there any possibility you could live elsewhere while doing the renovations? eg with parents (though depending on how you get on that could be worse than living with builders grin)

californiaburrito Wed 05-Mar-14 11:20:23

You have my sympathies BumWad. My Dh and I bought a new house last year and it was very difficult to find something that we both agreed on.

We found two house that we liked and as he earns all the money we initially pursued the house that he liked best but the vendors were kind of nuts and just wouldn't sell to us. We then went for the one I love love loved preferred. Like the house you are looking at it needed some work, about 100k worth, but we would have the cash to do the work that needed doing immediately. We were 10k apart in the negotiations but my DH wouldn't budge. It was too much money and too much work.

Nevertheless, 4 months later we completed on a house that was 150k more than the one I really wanted and needs about 250k worth of work. So maybe it wasn't the work and money after all.

So my point is that as you look at more and more houses and talk about the things you want and like both of your opinions will change and eventually you will find somewhere to agree on. Buying a house is a big thing and it will take a lot thinking to really decide on the best place for you.

Also, don't underestimate the emotional cost of doing a significant amount of work on a house. We did a large extension on our last house and when I think back to that time I am shocked that DH a I are still married.

So maybe your DH will come around to the idea of this house, or maybe you'll find somewhere else that you both like, but remember that you're just starting out and it will take a little while to figure out what is best for you both.

And maybe one day I'll forgive my DH denying me the opportunity to wake up to a 180 degree view of the London skyline.

Monkeymummy1 Wed 05-Mar-14 13:40:30

I can totally sympathise! We found a house that is in a similar state to the one you posted - in good condition but needs updating. Initially DH was totally against it (the second we walked in the front door!). After 2 more weeks of looking I finally convinced him it was worth another viewing because we had seen nothing else like it. The second time we looked around, he was still overwhelmed by the work but starting to see the potential. I also found a similar house that had recently sold a few streets over which is done out beautifully (but well above our price range) and he finally started to get excited about what we could do and agreed it was worth viewing again with our builder friend to get some quotes. So now we have put in an offer and keeping fingers crossed. So my point is, keep looking and keep talking to eachother and you might find you come back to this one.

ContentedSidewinder Wed 05-Mar-14 21:25:21

The problem with costings is that both DH and I are very capable at DIY so even with a baby attached to me I still got on and did stuff, but because it was a stepping stone house, there was a time aspect to it too.

We had every other Saturday as a working day to do DIY that I couldn't do in the week and then Sunday as a family day.

We are now in our forever house and it is a much more leisurely renovation grin

So and example for you, my en-suite that had a quadrant shower cubicle, new shower, toilet, sink, tiling, flooring, mirror, towel rail plus paying a plasterer to come and plaster it and an electrician to connect the shower cost in total £2000. For two reasons, one apart from the plasterer we did everything ourselves and two I love researching so was able to spend time getting bargains off the internet. I am a SAHM so could trek to places in the week and collect stuff/check stuff out so it didn't impact on our weekends as much as it could have.

You need to know a decent builder, plasterer, plumber, electrician, carpet fitter etc to make a renovation easier.

The house you are looking at is lovely, and I too can see the potential but you have to live with some of that at least for years unless you have the money to do it immediately.

I second minipie, if you know a good builder take him round with you and he can give you some realistic figures and timescales. Then you can make an informed decision.

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