Please give me your honest opinion....not happy here

[becaroodolf]

....I will try to keep this brief...

dh and I moved into our current house - a 3 bed semi - 11 years ago when we married.

Tbh, it was a rush decision, only the 2nd house we looked at (I know, I know) and it needed a lot doing to it which, as young newlyweds, we had to save up for and do over time.

ds1 came along after 4 years and when he got to about 2 we decided we needed more space and put the house on the market. We got one viewing in 2 months. Dh doesnt like change - to put it mildly! - and so we decided to have a kitchen/diner extention/downstairs WC and loft room.

ds1 started at the local nursery/school but it didnt work out well for him and he now goes to a different school in the next village - where I come from and where all my family still are - and is much happier. My GP and bank etc are also in that village.

ds2 came along 2 years ago and in the spring I suggested to dh that we move but dh and ds1 kept telling me they didnt want to move I gave in and we did some more work on the house which it needed - new boiler and replacement glass in the windows and some decorating.

The problem is I am still not happy here. dh and I have had so many rows over this recently. I dont think he realised how unhappy I am. Friends and family will think I am mad because is is (now) a nice house with plenty of space.

ds1 is now happier about moving as he likes his new school and would like to see more of his cousins (my dnephews).

Dh does not want to move. He wants to do what his mum and dad did and stay here permanently.

I know we have done a lot to the house, but we have also had the benefit of it for the last 4 years and I cant tell you how glad I am to have the new boiler in this current weather!!!

In the village where I want to go to - only 4 miles away!! - the houses are a bit more expensive than they are here and I think we would have to go a bit smaller (dont want a bigger mortgage) which dh thinks is mad.....his attitude is if you move you go bigger - for us this would mean a 4 bed detached - which we cant afford.

I feel so unhappy. I shouldnt but I do. House is going on the market tomorrow but dh and I will never agree on a property.

Should I just suck it up again, accept I am stuck here and shut up?

Thanks for reading this far!

[Fiddledee]

Why are you so unhappy - it really isn't clear at all. You are only talking about 4 miles away. Whats so grim - the house, the street, the village?

Why do you think everything would be better in the other village?

[scurryfunge]

If you felt isolated from friends and family, I would understand but 4 miles doesn't seem too bad.

If you are comfortable with the space you have why would you spend several thousand pounds on a move you don't need?

[notasausage]

4 miles isn't bad at all. Try 250 miles - I'm moving back in April

[ChippingIn]

Put the house on the market & start looking at what you would be happy with, when you find ones you like, take DH. There's no point in dragging him around every house (and you are the one who wants to move!), if he is anything like most men he will just be happy you have found something you like and will now shut up.

I am another one struggling to see why 4 miles makes any difference, other than walking to school... but it's your life and you aren't happy, so no - you shouldn't just 'suck it up' you should get out there and find a house you like and get yours on the market :)

[JarethTheGoblinKing]

You're going to get a LOT of unsympathetic responses to this, sorry.
Why can't you manage in your current house?

[Eralc]

I also find it hard to understand why 4 miles is a big problem (try 10,000!), but if you are unhappy, then you need to think about ways round it. Maybe write a list of pros and cons with each location, to see whether the other village would be as much of an improvement as you think, and whether it's worth the huge disruption (and cost) that a house move involves.

[violethill]

Agree with the others. I am also struggling to understand how 4 miles makes a difference. It doesn't prevent you from seeing family and friends whenever, or going for nights out, or joining in all the activities of the other village.

You say you don't want to extend your mortgage- but moving is a very expensive business. Why give yourselves financial strain when you don't need to?

Finally, I think there's also an issue of personal resilience here. If you have genuinely felt unhappy for 11 yrs, living in a perfectly nice and big enough house, 4 miles from friends and family, then are you really certain there isn't some underlying low level depression? It seems extreme. What if you move and feel the same?

If It genuinely is the house, then tbh without wanting to sound harsh, I think you need to look at how you can build up your personal resilience. An adult should be able to cope with your situation without feeling miserable long term. It's a limiting thing to feel like that. You also want to pass the message on to your sons that you don't all need to be living in your friends and relatives pockets to be contented

[becaroodolf]

I see all your points, of course.

4 miles is nothing.

I suppose I just regret ever buying this house in the first place....and despite everything we have done to it to make it better I still feel that way 11 years down the line. I dont think thats ever going to change tbh.

My mother doesnt enjoy the best of health (long story!) and my eldest dnephew has just beeen diagnosed with SN so I guess I am also thinking long term - my life would be lot easier in the future if I were nearer my family.

Its not much fun even travelling only 4 miles in the middle of the night when I am needed

I am the first to admit that I have wanted to move for a long time (at least 5 years) and that it is basically to make my life easier.

I am guessing that you all feel thats not a good enough reason?

I dont really care about getting a bigger house and I dont care about foregoing some of the things we have in this current house. I feel that its only bricks and mortar and that family is more important.

Thank you for your opinions/advice.

[notasize10yetbutoneday]

It is admirable that you are so involved with your family in the next village that you would be willing to move to a smaller house, but what about YOUR family- DSes and your DH? I really think to move to smaller house when you have a growing family is mad,if you don't have to.

4 miles in the car is what, 5-10 minutes? Surely if you moved to the next village, unless you bought the house next door to your family, it would take you that to walk from house to house anyway!

You say 'when I am needed int he middle of the night' which makes me wonder if something else is going on under the surface- is your famly in the next village putting presure on you to move there?

[titchy]

I assume you drive? If so I really cannot see the problem - 4 miles even in the middle fo the night is, what, 15 mins?

You ARE near your family. Bloody near by most people's standards.

I really can't see why not having to drive 15 minutes to see your family is really going to make your life easier.

I drive that distance to get dc to school eavery day. Our nearest supermarket is that distance away. I work 30 miles away and travel that each day (in school hours...joy). What is the big deal?

[Fiddledee]

Does your DH want to live so close to his MIL, I think 4 miles is very close already. What about your family you and your DH and DC. Sorry it sounds like you are being very selfish.

[becaroodolf]

Its not really about the travelling - as you say its only 5-10 mins (although for some reason took a lot longer this morning )

Its more that I have never really been happy here. I never planned to stay in this house forever IYSWIM?

Dh would like to move to either: a bigger house or a comparably (sp?) sized one.

Will put the house on the market and see waht happens I think. If we cant sell this house then I guess thats that!

Maybe I am BU but its just how I feel, how I have felt for a long time and I cant see that changing.

[homelyperson]

OP, I completely understand your point, being myself in a similar situation. I own a house which is good by other people's standards, but I don't like it. I would happily switch to something else even if it means downsizing (also don't want a bigger mortgage). I could spend the relocation money to improve my house, but I just don't see it's worth long term, because it would just make a decision harder...
For you, it is not being far from the school/family, it is just not loving your house - and it won't change, I am afraid.

[becaroodolf]

Thanks homely Its good to know I am not the only one!!

Its not going to change so I need to do something about it.

[notasize10yetbutoneday]

I think you need to separate the two issues then: are you unhappy because you live 4miles away from your family (which is how it comes across in your OP), or are you unhappy in the house, and therefore to get a better house, would you consider moving further away than the 4 miles to get a bigger house, which quite sensibly your DH wants, rather than a smaller one.

[becaroodolf]

Wouldnt want to move too far away due to ds1s school and dhs work, but there are other places we could look.

Have never really loved this house....as i said earlier it was very much a 1st step on the ladder from my POV.

I dont feel as isolated now as I once did....when ds1 was tiny I didnt have a car and I HATED it here.

Have seen a house in the village that is in our price range and looks bigger than this one!!!

I have tried so hard over the years as I knew dh didnt want to move but it hasnt worked.

[ToyBoat]

I also understand how you feel, but life is what we make it. I don't love the location of our house - I hate it actually. But, as we have no option, other than get a much, much smaller house, I have found ways to enjoy where we live.

I have found good things about it and changed my attitude, basically. The more you tell yourself you hate it, the more resentful you'll become, and the more you will hate it. If you say 'right, I'm going to like this house' and just get on with focussing on the good things about it, then you won't be half so miserable there.

[ChippingIn]

I think I was pretty understanding of your situation at 3.30 this morning!

As I see it, the problem are

• DH doesn't like change, is happy with the house and doesn't want to move.
  

• You are happy to downsize to move closer to family, but DH wants to get more space if you are moving.
  

• You don't want to increase your mortgage but DH wouldn't mind (or so it seems anyway) if you could get more space by doing so.
  

I think he needs to understand that you aren't happy in that house, that you haven't been for a long time, that you have tried - but you still aren't happy.

I think you need to understand that if you are so desperate to leave that house and DH agrees to moving - you might need to move a bit futher away from your family to get a bigger house for the same money.

I really don't think you can have it all your way, I really don't. Are you unhappy enough in your house to make a compromise abotu where it is?

[ChippingIn]

OR

You might have to accept that you need to increase your mortgage to get what you want - if you can afford it & DH will go along with it.

[LIZS]

I think you may have to be prepared ot compromnise again especially if in the end a move won't make you any happier unless you are very close to family/school and his work. If you would need a larger mortgage to get a comparable hosue in the right village then perhaps you need to take the intiative come up with ways to afford it, so lessening the impact on your dh. Do you currently work, could you do so if not or do more hours (if family support is more convenient). Are there things you could cut back on (ie petrol for school run)? 11 years is a long time in one place, so I can understand a need for change, but it won't necessarily be the ultimate solution.

[becaroodolf]

chipping wise words! Dh does now realise how unhappy I have been I think.

I agree I may have to agree to putting more on the mortgage - we have always been very cautious wrt this and it hasnt always been the right attitude tbh.

Once ds2 goes to nursery 5 mornings x per week I am going to look into getting a PT job. Easier in the other village than where I am now (lots more businesses etc)

Thanks again for your advice/help x

[northerngirl41]

Do you think that perhaps there's an element of DH wanting to be near his family in this?

Because I know we battled LONG and hard about where we were going to live. His parents live in a perfectly nice but expensive area which is very suburban. Mine live in a less expensive very nice area where you can get more house for your money. He was adamant that we should live near his parents. And we looked fruitlessly for something big enough which we could afford. I eventually found something, it ticked every single criteria we had. Hubby hated it because he'd seen a couple near my parents and realised just how much extra space we'd be getting, in a better location for schools/shops/getting around.

I now feel slightly guilty that I "got my own way" about the house, but his parents probably see us more than my own because we make the effort.

If we had to move again, I know he'd want to move closer to his family and that I'd feel like he was just doing it to be close to his family rather than for the practicalities of actually living.

I guess what I'm saying is: Would it be any better to move on a practical rather than emotional level? How much would it cost? How much extra strain would it place on your relationship?

[becaroodolf]

Northerngirl In some ways its a bit of both. Have seen a couple of houses in the village that are actually bigger than his one and in our budget. Dh likes gardening and one has a MASSIVE garden with veg and fruit patches and a workshop so he seems a bit more positive now.

I can understand him not wanting to move to a smaller house but he has such rigid ideas about what he wants whereas I can see the possible potential of things.

I remember him saying to me after we had been in this house for about 2 weeks;
"I dont think this will ever feel like home"

I reminded him of this last night and I could tell it made him think.

I know I can make a nice home for us - whatever the size and type of house we end up with.

[northerngirl41]

oh you have a literal husband as well? Mine honestly can't see anything until it's actually done. So paint colours he declares "vile" are actually okay when on the wall. The window he declared "rotten and condemned" were actually painted and given some TLC rather than the £5k new one he wanted to fit. It's infuriating!

The thing is - you HAVE made a home out of the place you are living in, but still want to move. Would he not feel the same if the tables were reversed?

[EatingAngelPie]

come on OP give us a postcode and a budget!

then we can really visualise your dilemma - if you're worried about outing yourself - give us a comparable area?