Starting School ..... and new baby due at the same time!!

[MrsOB]

Hi

We didn't get the primary school we wanted for DS but have been offered a place at another school instead. We went to view the school and all was good until the head said they only have one intake - full time in September.

My DS is only going to be 4 at the end of July and we were going to delay his school start until January 2011 (had we been successful in getting the other school). To complicate things, I am due to give birth to child number 2 in the first week of September......

I mentioned this to the head who was very reluctant for us to delay his school start - she talked about the fact that all the other children will have formed bonds and that my DS will come along in January and find it hard to infiltrate the groups etc .....

My reasons for wanting to delay the start (apart from the fact it is my legal right not to send him until the term after his 5th birthday!!) are that I don't want to give birth one day (new sibling - big change) and then pack him off to school the next (new school - another big change). I just feel that would be too much change for him all at once.

Does anyone else have experience of either scenarios e.g. had baby one day, sent child to school for the first time the next OR delayed sending to school - if so, how did child get on with forming friendships etc.

I'm worried about what is the best thing to do ... my instinct says wait, but the head painted a picture of my little man sitting on his own at lunchtime with no chums!!!!!

Thanks in advance and thanks for listening to my ramble ...... x

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Well, you know yourself and your child the best, but DS2 was born on the Sunday, I went home on Monday and DS1 started nursery (part time, so not the same as school) on the Tuesday. Like you, I was worried that he'd feel pushed out, and I did get one comment of, "When are you taking DS2 back to the hospital?" (he was only 3yr 8mo) but I pushed the "aren't you a big boy" line and he settled OK.

He's 23 yo now, and doesn't seem to have problems socialising etc.

[kodokan]

The head's probably right about the friendship groups. In my son's class, 20 kids started in September then 2 more joined January, having been kept out for a term by their parents.

My son and the others referred to the newbies as 'the little ones' for the remainder of that year - I'm not sure he realised they were the same year group as he was, but thought they had started later due to being younger like in playgroup.

They were on the edges of the class for months, socially and academically - whilst the rest of the class were doing any sort of whole class activity, the other two were being taught their phonic sounds by the teaching assistant.

[pointydog]

I don't think delaying school just because a sibling will be born is the right decision. If it's because you think he's too young, that seems sensible.

[sockmonkey]

DD was due one week after DS2 started school. As it was I was 10 days late.
I really bigged up starting school. It probably helped that DS1 was at school too. He chose his lunch box, helped shop for uniforms etc.
It really wasn't a problem. He was excited and ready for it. To be honest I think he enjoyed time away from the baby!!(and I enjoyed having a few hours a day with just baby).
His teachers made a fuss about what a great big brother he was, made him feel special.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Kids make friends easily. My dd has had several children join at different times throughout the year and there has been no problems.

I had ds2 in June and ds1 started school in September, he was fine. Part time until mid Jan though.

With your second child s/he will be almost 5 so you might feel easier about them joining full time school.

[MmeTrueBlueberry]

It's actually really handy to have your older child at school when you have a brand new baby. Firstly, it gets you out of bed and dressed, and secondly, you can give your undivided attention to the baby.

I can't imagine your child being fazed by two major things happening at once. Does he not go to nursery school at the moment?

[Clary]

I would definitely send him to school with the rest of the intake.

I have seen a child be the only one in the year held back to Jan and it was not a Good Thing.

I don't think the new baby is a reason to hold him back. I am sure he will not be fazed by it at all.

Agree with blueberry, prob a good thing to a) get you going each day b) give you some baby time!

[mummytime]

I think he will probably cope with the new baby being born and starting school at the same time, better than he would starting school and the baby being 3-6 months. Quite often the jealousy etc. really starts when the baby starts to get "interesting".

Make sure you sort out who is going to take him to school when you have/have had the baby, and make sure he knows his person well. Maybe they could have trial runs of going to school together.

About a week or so of my DS starting school I badly injured my ankle (at a soft play place, don't ask). A neighbour had to take my son to school for me for a while, he didn't like it but it didn't cause him any real issues.

I would also not hold him back, reception is mainly play. It may even be better for him to have his important thing to do each day, rather than having to see the baby all the time.

Do feel perfectly at liberty to tell him how tired you are from the baby crying, and make some time to play with him after school. It will be fine!

[Runoutofideas]

I would start him at school full time, so he doesn't miss out on the social side. If he's particularly tired or stressed with the new baby then I might consider giving him odd, random days off "sick". School can't really complain as he's not yet 5 and he won't miss out on as much as if he missed the whole first term. (My dd2 is an August birthday and starts school next Sept - I intend doing this with her if necessary.)

My dd1 started pre-school two weeks after dd2 was born and I was expecting her to feel pushed out. In fact she enjoyed having something new and special just for her when so many people were visiting and talking about the baby. Good luck!

[notso]

My DS was born 30th August and my DD started reception on the 2nd Sept, I had come out of hospital the day before. DD was very unsettled especially when Dh was on paternity leave so I suppose it was literally like the rest family was at home and we were pushing her off to school.
I would say it took her about a month and a half to settle in properly, and the staff were fantastic during this time, the let DD bring DS and I in for show and tell and the TA's always came out with her at the end of the day to see her baby brother and to let me know how she had been getting on.
On the positive as has been mentioned the school run definately gets you up and about and into a good routine and means you have lots of time to devote to your baby, also I found having a tiny DS helped with making friends with other Mums, loads offered to take DD to school or sit with DS so I could pick DD and their DC up.

Also on the subject of summer babies I was really worried about how Ds would settle into school, he was the youngest in his reception class and I can honestly say school really brought out the best in him and I am so glad I didn't delay him the year I initally wanted to.

[continumum]

Reading some of the posts above makes me so angry.
I have 2 children with my 3rd due in November. DS1 is about to start school in September and while I too would like him to start later, as I believe 4 is too young, I'm concerned about him being an outsider. I have never used any form of child care as I believe a child should be with their mother (continuum mother) so this will be the first time with someone else looking after him.
DS1 is very outgoing and confident, and makes friends very easily because of the close family life we have and yet, if he isn't pulled out of school for at least a week to bond with the baby and family, he will feel pushed out and would lose confidence and school would suffer. If this is left and not rectified we know it would get worse. I think people are naive to believe this wouldn?t have an impact of their Childs development and confidence or it just suits them to say otherwise so they don?t feel bad.
You are right to be concerned.
Unfortunately the UK is set up for working mums, and while I understand some do need to work the majorities are overstretching their mortgages for a larger home at the cost of time with their children. Very little time or thought is given to family life so earlier education and shorter holiday time is set. Not much thought has been given to the benefits of family life as it isn't wanted much by most of the population in this country. Brits feel 6 week summer holiday is far too long, Finland has 12 weeks and much higher acedemic achievements due to more family life, in fact the world?s highest achievement (children start school at 7 and have the fewest school hours per week). The amount of times I here "they have to go to nursery as they need to bond with other children" or ?I need me time? then complain they are not close with their child.
I'm sorry to say but due to the system you are set to lose both ways. Maybe pulling you child out of school for a little time may help but unfortunately that is breaking the law and you can be prosecuted for it.
lol. What a load of rubbish!!!

[samsonara]

my dd is also one of the youngest in her class, there are two others, but when she started reception, she found it really hard. The teachers do review according to each child and we dropped to mornings only, then built upto half a week staying for lunch then going home, then eventually did all day by the end of the autumn term. In your situation, I would probably consider delaying , the lunch time without chums can happen, but it won't be permanent, my dd did fell left out at first but it got better over the weeks.

[Mercedes519]

MrsOB I am in the same place as you DS is not even 4 yet and will start in September and I have the same worries. But I figure it is a play environment and it is something new and exciting for him as well as getting a new baby.

Children are very adaptable and I'm planning to do lots of preparation, new bags, exciting school things and make sure I get lots of rest during the school day so I can devote time just to him when he gets back from school so he doesn't feel left out. I considered leaving him out but I want him to make friends and be there when they do all the settling in rather than once the class is established. I'm going to talk to the school next week about what they do to manage the really little ones - we've had single intake for a few years round here so they must be used to it. And if he is having trouble with the full time hours I'd be happy for him to do half days for a bit longer - as a poster said he doesn't have to be in school.

Continuimum - where does this idea come from that all working mothers are mercenary b*tches that abandon their children two weeks after birth to go back to the office, work 12 hours days to buy the big house and pay the nanny???? Seriously. Wake up and welcome to the real world...just because you have the luxury of choice and can spend every minute with your children does not mean the rest of us are a)able or b)willing to do so and that doesn't make us bad parents .

[Smithagain]

DD1 started nursery about two weeks after DD2 was born. And both of them are summer babies, so I've had experience of them starting school at only just four.

My experience is that having a new baby sister and starting nursery at the same time did not appear to cause DD1 any problems at all. In fact, the excitement of starting nursery helped give her something to feel special about - and nursery itself gave her a space that was just for her, at a time when she was having to learn to share me with her new sister. So it all kind of worked out.

In terms of time to bond with the new sibling, school is only six hours per day, five days per week. There will still be time for bonding!

I would also tend to agree with the Head that it may be hard to be the only one starting in January. However, there have been a couple of children that have moved into DD2's Reception class, having changed schools or moved house. They don't appear to have had problems making friends. Once of them has become DD2's best friend in the whole wide world!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[hana]

yes - dd3 was born on friday and dd1 started school on monday - it was fine. your ds will be fine - he's not doing all the thinking that you are!

[hana]

continuimum - what a terribly judgmental post!

[Smithagain]

Continumum, I take exception to your implication that those of us who have been through this situation are naively ignoring the damage that has been allegedly caused to our children. I am simply reporting my experience, which is that I can detect no harm whatsoever to my older child's developmental progress. And since her sister arrived about five years ago, I think I've had enough time to observe. If anything, her social confidence and self-esteem absolutely blossomed when she started nursery and got even better when she started school.

And we have a very close family life, thanks very much. She just loves being out and about with her peer group.

[MumNWLondon]

My DD started reception and was one of three children who hadn't been at the nursery attached to the school. Not quite the same, but she found the first few weeks very hard because the other children had friendship groups. After half term it was fine though, I would worry with January start as he'd have to catch up the letters etc they'd done in first part of year.

You know your child but I wouldn't worry too much about the starting school being at the same time as the baby, I would just make sure lots of preparation done in advance, eg visit the school in July, walk past several times over the summer... also he'll probably enjoy time away from the baby. if you are concerned in September you can ask to pick him up at lunchtime until halfterm.

[puch]

i think you should send your child to school as even though he is a july birthday he would settle in quickly. My son was born in june and my other child started school in sept and it was staggered which was pretty hard work as i took him to school home fed new baby straight back up to collect him again but he thought my son was very shy he soon settled in and you will have a lot of your plate settling with the new baby, feeding, sleeping and your other child will be home in the eves and weekends and i think that is plenty of time to bond. But at the end of the day it is what you feel best for your child but remember children are pretty resiliant. Good luck with baby and school.