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ds best friends not at birthday party and him not invited to theirs

(16 Posts)
labyrinthine Fri 23-Oct-09 23:38:16

ds just turned 8 and invited two brothers to his party ~ they couldn't come because they went to their usual after school activity ~fair enough.They were the only ones who didn't come out of 15.

They now have their own birthday and have been allowed 3 friends and have invited 3 boys out of the 7 in the class ~ not ds.
ds has been good about it but is upset as he thought they were two of his best friends~and as I've heard the boys asking to come over and choosing him usually as a partner etc in school I was surprised.

I think it's a bit mean as he is the only boy left out of their playing group and I would never do that.
Also they have talked all week about who may or may not come and named them one by one .

ds has previously said that their mum has said they are not allowed to come over as she is very strict but now wonder if there is some reason.

Maybe I'm too soft but we are always so careful not to leave anyone out I feel a bit sorry for ds.If he had only been allowed 3 friends I would have asked him to keep it fairly quiet I think.

Wandaaa Sat 24-Oct-09 01:22:27

DD has had 2 full class parties, but I know of other children who have had smaller or all boy parties that DD hasn't been invited to.
Like you, I haven't wanted to leave anyone out, one of the all boy parties was a very good friend of DD and held at a soft play area costing £9 per child, it would have been cheaper to hire a giant bouncy castle at the leisure centre and invite all the children, so cost isn't always an issue. I was a bit cross about this party(can you tell?) but it was DD who told me about it and she wasn't bothered.
Next birthday DD is inviting 5 girls to the house, 4 of whom have never had a party (at least not one DD has been invited to) but these are her current friends and the people she wants to invite. I do feel a bit bad about excluding children, but also feel that I've done my bit in the past, and other parents are hosting smaller parties and I guess children/parents can invite who they want.

I am limiting party to 5 friends as I only have 6 dining room chairs although DD did suggest using a couple of deckchairs. I wonder if this is the reason for limited invites although I agree it is mean if your DS is the only one left out of the group, if I thought this would be the case with DD I would get out one of the deckchairs!

One thing I'm learning about school is you have to develop a thick skin.

buy1get1free Sat 24-Oct-09 09:46:40

Ooooh, it's hard when the invites either don't come or not reciprocated. When children are younger, it's sometimes the parent's influence that reigns over their child's choice of friends. Do you think the mother may have had a say? Maybe, she doesn't know your son v. well and steered them towards another child who she is mates with their mum ... get what I'm saying. In other words, not personal to your boy, just an obvious choice for her.

cat64 Sat 24-Oct-09 09:48:58

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon Sat 24-Oct-09 10:00:51

Didn't you like the answers on the other thread?!
My advice is the same-tell him these things happen and move on. A DC should be able to invite DCs of their choice and many people want a very small party.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 11:27:27

cat64~it was a mistake and I didn't copy it correctly either
piscesmoon~I did this first by mistake and cut and posted the main bit

I'm not stupid,that is what I have done but they are a group of 6 so I personally would have gone for 2 friends or 4 friends but I agree it isn't as important as world peace.

Wandaa thanks for your message it is hard if you are the sort of person who tries not to leave people out and don't let the dcs do that either I think it is called being nice.

billynomatesmum Sat 24-Oct-09 11:37:44


Where I live, hiring a hall and bouncy castle and self-catering for the whole class is at least as expensive and a whole lot more work than inviting 15 (assuming a class of 30 and roughly half of them to be boys) to softplay at an all inclusive price.

I personally would get quite stressed out about planning/organising the catering and prefer to pay for a £x per head soft play/bowling/swimming/farm experience. I work full-time, being able to just turn up with a cake and party bags on the day suits me much better as far as stress levels are concerned.

I think you are being unreasonable in being cross about someone else's choice of type of party when your daughter wasn't bothered.

Clary Sat 24-Oct-09 11:47:50

oooh pleeease don't get het up over this.

I know it's hard when yr DC are left out but it's how it goes I'm afraid.

My DC are 10, 8, 6 and I have seen this. I just learn to shrug it off. DD was a bit upset last summer when a girl she considered a good friend carefully handed out invites and missed out DD.

I told her not to worry and invite the girl to hers if she wanted to (she did smile).

Girl in qu is not such a good pal now anyway. It's how it goes.

As they get older, parties get smaller; but some kids still have a big do. For eg DS1 had a big 10th party, but I have no notion that all those kids will have him back for their 11ths - and nor does he - "I don't mind - he's still my friend" he says to me now. He's such a sensible boy grin

There mightbe all kind sof reasons, as others say, eg mum might know some kids and like them (and just not know you and yours).

As far as the "group of 6" thing goes, that changes too. See DD above - her "group of five" has changed over the last 3 years from 3 to 4 to 5 and lots of different girls as they move classes, fall out, get closer to other friends etc.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 13:35:08

I know,thanks smile

piscesmoon Sat 24-Oct-09 13:52:36

Sorry about earlier-it is a wet day and I was feeling a bit crabby! However I think you just have to let it go. Keep setting a good example and inviting them to things.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 13:55:50

That's really nice pisces thankssmile

piscesmoon Sat 24-Oct-09 14:02:19

It is hard when it is such a small class-with a larger class more get missed out, than invited and so it is easier.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 14:08:17

ds said his closest friend of the two bros said sorry for not inviting him which is sweet ~ I think it's come from the mum.

piscesmoon Sat 24-Oct-09 14:10:44

I think that you just have to accept that you can have lovely DCs, who have not so lovely parents. I would say that she is the one with the problem and not you, or your DC-don't worry about it.

labyrinthine Sat 24-Oct-09 14:16:51


Clary Sat 24-Oct-09 17:14:52

yes I agree, it is almost certainly the mum (IME)

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