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DD not wanting to be friends with girl in her class, other mum pushing them together.

(52 Posts)

My DD (9) started at a new primary school last Easter. Its a small school so not manygirs in her year. At first she seemed quite friendly with one girl, X. X's mum was really pleased about this and told me she was worried that X doesn't seem to have friends so she's hoping that my DD and her DD will become best friends.

After a few weeks another mum asked how my DD was finding X as most of the other girls find her annoying. I said that my DD seemed to be getting on fine with her.

Well a few weeks ago my DD started saying that she was now finding X annoying and didn't want to be friends anymore. I was worried that DD might just be joining in with other girls who don't like X. I would hate for X to be getting bullied. However my DD has given examples of things that X has done which in all honesty I would find annoying. I told DD to be kind to X and reminded her that it wouldn't be nice if X didn't have anyone to play with. DD asked why she should play with someone she doesn't like. Which I think is a fair point. She promises she's not been mean to her, but just doesn't want to play with her anymore.

Now the other mum is still inviting DD round for tea. I've made excuses once but I'm worried that I can't keep making excuses. DD is adament she doesn't want to go. Do I just tell her that they don't seem to be getting on and that my DD doesn't want to come?

fiercebadrabbit Fri 23-Oct-09 12:32:14

Aaagh, I have no real advice but my heart bleeds for X's mum sad. My biggest terror as a parent is my dds being in that situation.

I can well remember girls at school whom nobody wanted to play with - sometimes I did take pity on them and have them back for tea but it was all so fake and forced and I can remember the hope in the parents' eyes as they thought their dd had found a new bf and knowing it just wasn't going to go any further. Horrible. Your dd can't play with a girl she doesn't like but I really hope someone will be along soon to give you more concrete help.

deaddei Fri 23-Oct-09 14:16:54

Oh I've been in this situation and it's horrible. I took the coward's way out and just avoided the other mother for a year....in hindsight I wish I'd just been honest and said the girls were not natural friends and it wasn't working.
I am still avoiding this mother 2 years later blush

Jujubean77 Fri 23-Oct-09 14:19:16

I would just be honest in a nice way, just to say that they are not getting on so well at the moment you know what girls are like probably get back together really soon...blah

I feel for Xs Mum. She has been v honest with you so you owe her the same I feel smile

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 23-Oct-09 14:32:28

Another vote for being honest in a tactful kind of way along lines suggested by Jujubean. You can't force friends upon your DCs however sorry you may feel for X and her mother.

dandeliontea Fri 23-Oct-09 18:23:47

Yes, agree you should be upfront with other mum and say they don't seem to be turning into particulary good friends.
But also think it isn't going to hurt your dd to go round to tea sometimes and have her to yours, and learn that sometimes it is polite to be nice and to be friendly even when you don't feel like it, especially when someone else doesn't have many friends.

dandeliontea Fri 23-Oct-09 18:28:35

Having read your op again, I would also worry whether there is some ganging up against this girl, I hesitate to use the word bullying, but girls being what they sometimes are, I wonder whether this poor girl is being deliberately shut out by everyone, and it might well feel like bullying to her and her Mum.

seeker Fri 23-Oct-09 19:58:52

I'm going to go against the flow - particularly as you say it's a small school. I would tell your dd that if she's invited she should go, and that when you get to know people better you sometimes find that you like them more than you thought you would. Or words to that effect. Unless the "annoying" things she does are really serious of course. What sort of things are they?

Clary Fri 23-Oct-09 20:23:34

yes I agree with seeker.

How can it hurt to go to someone's house for tea?

Maybe have her back and plan soemthing specific (go to park or whatever) so it's nto too awkward (if it is).

Agree tho, what is annoying?

I have to agree with seeker, although it really does depend on what teh annoying things she does.
I remember a friend I had at school who was really irritating at school, very needy and clingy, but out of school she was fine, it was just because the others were freezing her out and she had no-one to play with.

It is very sad though. Maybe your DD could invite her and a friend to play so she doesnt feel as pushed into it if you want to make the effort.

dandeliontea Fri 23-Oct-09 20:55:34

Ooh I agree with seeker too.

Because I only take any notice of the Mumsnet 'incrowd' and just completely ignore any other posters in case they're not in with the others, even if they have said very much the same thing as seeker but before her.

Funny really, because it's a bit like the OP's daughter's dilemma - do I take the time to get to know people who might not be in with the others or do I play safe and suck up to the popular girls.

Sorry to get sarky but this happens a lot on this site, (as others have noted and done whole threads about-its not just me), and it really puts me off mn.

Oblomov Fri 23-Oct-09 21:08:28

Op how big is the class, how many girls ?
I only ask becasue there are 2 classes of 30, so 60 children for ds1 - Yr !, so not the same.

If this girl is a pain, will she always be a pain ? what would happen if years down the line, all the girls turned on your dd.
So go, what harm can it do.
Saying that, i have made very good friends with a mum round the corner, whose ds is in my ds's class. They get on o.k. but not great. But we talk about that openly and appreciate that it is us that are friends.
So maybe just tell ther the truth tactfully.

Oh I don't know. Sorry. which one to do ? tricky, tricky.

Oblomov Fri 23-Oct-09 21:11:56

dandelion, have I missed something, seeker are you the new cod ? wink

I am just not abreast with the in crowd these days. Mind you I don't think I ever was.

seeker Fri 23-Oct-09 21:16:12

I don't know, Oblomov - shall I say something rude and misspelled and see what happens?grin

seeker Fri 23-Oct-09 21:18:24

Acually, I'm a bit shocked - I thought that generally, with one or two exceptions, people usually disagreed with me!

ilovemydogandmrobama Fri 23-Oct-09 21:23:34

Are there any clubs your DD could join along with X? At least then she wouldn't have to be alone with her?

Then you could say, 'Oh, DD will see X at club....'

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 23-Oct-09 21:23:52

But what do you do if your DC really doesn't want to go to a particular person's house? I agree in this situation if your DD was lukewarm, no harm in sending them along anyway, but I thought the OP was saying her DD was quite definate. I have had a similar situation with my DD where she was adamant she didn't want to go to Y's house when invited and I felt really awkward (and bad for Y and her mother)but v difficult to force her to go.

Clary Fri 23-Oct-09 21:36:47

actually daneliontea I dont agree with you (on this occasion) that the OP should tell the mum they don't appear to be good friends.

I agreed with seeker because, erm, I did, not because she is part of MN "in crowd" whatever that is.

I do heart seeker tho grin

dandelion, I only didnt agree with you as I dont think OP should say anything to the mum, which I could have elaborated on but which would have made my first sentence a bit longer.
And I xposted with Clary. Chillax winkgrin

Oblomov Fri 23-Oct-09 21:38:11

esy please, that woudl take me back to haypp hapyp days. No. I just can't do her either.
smile

Clary, unfortunate xpost grin

Oblomov Fri 23-Oct-09 21:40:18

I think I have made up my mind now.
If she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't have to go. Tell the mum.
Next year they might be best pals.
No problem.

Clary Fri 23-Oct-09 21:42:58

grin jackbauer

lou031205 Fri 23-Oct-09 21:44:18

You could teach your daughter that manners are a good thing, and as she has been invited she should go. It doesn't necessarily mean that she has to invite x back.

Oblomov Fri 23-Oct-09 21:44:26

Dabndelion, can you please do me a big favour, cut the bullshit, cut to the chase and tell me who the in crowd is ? I waould really like to know. or link to the thread that will tell me. Becasue i do really want to know and don't have the time or patience to search.

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