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I am heart broken, upset and cross. Please help me.

(70 Posts)
FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 11:17:05

I have posted about DS1 being bullied last night. The child has swung him around by his tie and pushed him on to the ground. He said he has also had his arm twisted and his legs are covered in bruises.

This morning I took a letter in to the teacher and I have spoken to his teacher. I came away very upset.

How do I deal with this as I want to just take him out of school.

I have to see the teacher after school today after she has spoken to the children involved.

All he has been told is to stay away from the bully. Nothing about speaking to the bully to tell him to pack it in.

I feel a rubbish parent who hasn't prepared DS for this.

Have to go and get DS2 now and try and hold it together.

Cakesandale Mon 21-Sep-09 11:25:26

Oh I am so sorry to hear this,poor little boy. sad

How old is he?

I have very litle experience, i am sure someone will be along with more. But I think you need to be pretty firm with the teacher. if you don't think she has done enough to nip this in the bud she needs to know that you will take it further, and make an appt to see the head. A letter or better still email to chair of governors and copied to LEA is also a threat that tends to get things treated more seriously, as all this goes on Ofsted report.

You are not someone who has failed to prepare your son adequately, I don't know how you could have done so.

Hassled Mon 21-Sep-09 11:28:42

The first thing you need to do is get hold of a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy - it might be on the school website or the office will give you an office.

Go through the policy with a fine tooth comb. You need to be able to show that the school is not following the policy if your complaint is going to get anywhere.

Then, hear the teacher out this afternoon. She may well have strategies in place. If you're not happy with what she says, go to the Head and tell her the specifics of how the school isn't following policy. If you're not happy with the Head's response, write to the Chair of Governors.

Good luck.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Sep-09 11:30:53

Oh Fab that is awful, poor DS1 . And poor you.

I agree that you need to take it further than the teacher. If this was adults it would be assault and I don't think you should hold back from describing it in those terms.

Hassled Mon 21-Sep-09 11:33:45

the office will give you a copy

LyraSilvertongue Mon 21-Sep-09 11:37:26

Your poor DS. I know I'd be heartbroken too if it was one of my DSs.
Make a nuisance of yourself at the school. Do not give up till you are satisfied with the way they are handling it and your DS can go to school without fear of being hurt.

smee Mon 21-Sep-09 11:43:24

Fab, poor poor you. Might be mis-reading, but in your post says: 'I have to see the teacher after school today after she has spoken to the children involved. All he has been told is to stay away from the bully. Nothing about speaking to the bully to tell him to pack it in.' So is the teacher talking to the children involved or not? If they are then maybe you should at least give them a chance to deal with it. You never know, you might find it's okay and has been dealt with really well. Really hope so. Fingers crossed for you.

moosemama Mon 21-Sep-09 12:03:03

Agree with Hassled. You need a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy.

I would go to see the teacher after school as planned, but if you are not totally happy with their response, go straight from there to the Head Teacher's office. If they are failing to implement the policy and therefore failing to protect your ds and keep him safe whilst in their care, I would tell them you are removing him from the school until you are satisfied that they have taken steps to protect him and deal with the bullies.

You didn't say how old your ds is, but my ds1 was bullied by year 1 boys when he started in reception, culminating in him being surrounded by a whole gang of boys who pushed him to the floor where he was curled up in a ball while they all kicked him and hit him. I couldn't believe that the teachers on duty failed to stop it happening, apparently there was a huge crowd of children around them while it was happening. He was only saved when several children from his own class waded in and literally pulled them off him.

In our case I wasn't happy with the teacher's response. Very similar to yours actually, he was told to keep away from the bullies and tell the teacher if they started on him again (how could he do that when there was a whole gang of them holding him down fgs, not to mention there are only ever two teachers on duty and my dcs always seem to have trouble finding a teacher when they need one). DH and I went straight to the Head who straight after that meeting went out and split the playground in half so that year 1 children couldn't cross the line of cones into the reception side. He then had a quiet talk with ds and asked him who the bullies were. The bullies then had to see the Head individually, their parents were told and they were kept in for a few playtimes. They did reintegrate the playground later in the school year, but not until after a whole-school anti-bullying push and the reception children had gained enough strategies and confidence to handle any similar situations.

Unfortunately, ds1 has just gone into the Juniors part of the school this year and on the trial day in the playground last term, the very same boys had a go at picking on ds and his best friend. Fortunately he told me about it straight away and also told the on-duty teacher. We haven't had any more trouble since. <moose crosses her fingers and toes and touches every piece of wood in the room>

I don't know about you, but I was naive enough to think that because we live in a good area and my dcs attend a 'good' school I wouldn't ever have to deal with this kind of bullying. I was really shocked and also felt I had let ds down. I really feel for you and understand exactly how you are feeling. It's heartbreaking to know that your child is suffering and you can't do anything to protect them. Honestly though, there is very little you could have done to prepare him for dealing with children who are so out of control as to behave like this. The best we can do is be there for them and let them know that we are there to support them and will do everything within our power to help them deal with it. sad

Hope you get it sorted out today.

OrmIrian Mon 21-Sep-09 12:07:45

moose - IME schools in 'good' areas are often worse at dealing with it. They don't expect it when their pupils are nice kids from good homes hmm Very misguided. There ie a secondary school in our town who's staff will admit that they don't have a bullying policy as they don't have bullies. Which presumably one of the reasons why so many pupils leave there to go to a different school after a few terms.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:11:31

DS1 is 8.

In the past when he has told the dinner ladies in the play ground she has told DS to stay away from the bullies - that was what I meant.

His new teacher was not told about last years bullying by last years teacher so to be fair to her today might be the first she knows about it.

I am in tears and have a head ache.

The Head says there is no bullying in her school and has me down as highly strung.

This term 2 new families have joined the school after bullying from their last school. I feel sorry for them tbh.

DH has read the anti-bullying policy on line as I couldn't find the prospectus this morning. Have put it safe as DS is in it.

OrmIrian Mon 21-Sep-09 12:12:31

Oh fab sad It must be gut-wrenching.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:17:23

I just want to cry.

What do I say to the teacher this afternoon if she says she has spoken to the boys and they have denied it, or it sounds like boys will be boys, or she has told them to stop it?

Snowsquonk Mon 21-Sep-09 12:22:51

Any head teacher who says that there isn't bullying in their school is either stupid or deluded. It happens in ALL schools whether in leafy affluent areas or on inner city sink estates.

Ask to see the policy on bullying - if there isn't one, ask why not (it is a legal requirement and as a parent you have the right to see it). Ask how the policy is being implemented. Watch out for strategies which inadvertently punish the victim - ie, being kept in at playtime for their 'protection' etc.

If you are not happy when you've seen the teacher, escalate it to the head. If you are not happy when you have spoken to the head then ask for a copy of the complaints procedure and follow that.

Good luck

smee Mon 21-Sep-09 12:29:41

Fab, can you talk to your son to see how the day's gone first? See if he thinks anything's resolved. If teacher reacts as woefully as you fear then ask how she explains his bruises? Your son was assaulted. That's a fact. The bruises are tangible proof. Saying the other boys deny it isn't good enough, so stick to your guns. if teacher gives no satisfaction, go to the head.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:33:16

I am not letting this go anymore.

I like his teacher but I love my son and it really hurt last night when DH said he saw himself in DS as DH was bullied at secondary school for 2 years until one day he had had enough and hit them back. Never touched him again. Same with me when I slapped her back. I was left alone.

This child has even teased DS in front of me but I was too pathetic and scared to realise what was happening sad.

ninedragons Mon 21-Sep-09 12:37:25

I don't really know as I only have a toddler, but I think in your situation if the meeting with the teacher proved unsatisfactory, I'd go and see the head with a lawyer friend. Lawyer friend wouldn't actually have to say anything, just sit there and look lawyerly. I would just want to make it completely, utterly, crystal clear to the head that I expected the matter to be dealt with and never to recur.

moosemama Mon 21-Sep-09 12:38:11

Is there any chance your dh/partner could come with you to see the teacher? My dh had to come with me as I just knew there was a high possibility of me crying and therefore being labelled neurotic.

Make some notes before you go (I'm hopeless at remembering what I wanted to say when I'm upset or emotional). I would hear the teacher out regarding what she has done. Then ask her direct questions as to what specifically the school is going to do to ensure it doesn't happen again. If you aren't happy that the measures she/he suggests will sufficiently protect you child I would ask to see the Head and if you can't see them straight away, possibly arrange an appointment for first thing tomorrow morning and bring dh with you.

As I remember it, dh and I sat down, wrote down everything ds1 had told us and what each of these things represented from our perspective eg

1. Not being able to find a teacher on duty at playtime meant him not feeling that the teachers were there to support and protect him.

2. Worrying about what would happen at playtime meant that he was finding it hard to concentrate in class and this was affecting his work.

3. As the bullies were often waiting for him in the toilets, he wasn't going to the toilet at playtime and wasn't drinking during the day so that he didn't need to. As a result he had several water infections that required medical treatment and again his concentration was being affected as he was getting dehydrated.

(There were lots more, but you get the idea.)

We wrote a list of specific points that we felt were that supported our complaint and so emphasised that we were not just being PFB about ds1 but had genuine concerns regarding his physical and emotional wellbeing.

OrmIrian, we also have an exceptionally 'good' secondary school just up the road from us, that has the largest numbers of referrals to ed psych and CAMHS for stress and eating disorders in the county. Having attended a 6 year olds birthday party yesterday and watched the unchecked apalling behaviour of many of the children in full view of their parents, I despair. If they behave like that when their parents are with them and they don't have any consequences what hope do we have of them behaving like decent human beings at school. (I had to break up three separate fights on the disco dancefloor between 5 year old boys while their parents carried on chatting in the corner!)

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:41:29

I have emailed DH to ask if he can do pick up with me but he is so busy I think he will have to say no. He has to have Wed off as I am going to hospital and then 3 days off next week when I go back to hospital and have a GA.

LyraSilvertongue Mon 21-Sep-09 12:48:44

I'd be tempted to tell DS to hit them back. That might make resolve the matter quicker than waiting for the school to sort it out.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:57:28

I have told him that.

Just had a row with Dh on the phone and hung up on him as we feel differently about how this should be handled and what we should do.

clumsymum Mon 21-Sep-09 13:02:25

FabGirl, See the teacher today. If you are not happy, make an appt to see the the Head on Wednesday when DH can be there too (Try to fix it around the time of your hosp appt).

Write down all the occasions when this has happened you say ds was bullied last year too?). Note the names of the perpetrators, and give those names to the head. Ask her/him exactly what they propose to do about this problem.

If they don't suggest a definate action against these bullies, tell them that you will keep your child at home, until you can have assurance that some action will be taken against these children.

If you have to keep ds at home, then ring the LEA and tell them why you are keeping ds at home. Have photos of his bruises etc.

You have to MAKE the school face up to this problem and fix it, for your son, and other children in the firing line.

moosemama Mon 21-Sep-09 13:02:41

What does DH think you should do?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 13:08:34

He thinks we have to sit it out and give the school a chance to sort this. My argument is that I saw the teacher several times last year and what ever she did didn't work as the same kid is hurting him.

DH has turned his phone off sad

alypaly Mon 21-Sep-09 13:10:50

FabBakerGirlIsBack..dont go to the teacher...go to the head

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 13:13:05

The head says there is no bullying at her school so not sure there is any point sad

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