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Advice needed on ways to settle DD in reception, had to bring her home today!

(16 Posts)
debs227 Wed 16-Sep-09 12:49:19

My DD started reception on mon 7th Sept. Class of 30, staggered intake so last week there were only a few children, this week we are nearly up to the 30.

Problem is since Fri DD is refusing to stay at school. So far she has been peeled off me screaming, have picked her up early and today i just had to bring her home as she was getting into such a state and i thought she looked very ill. She is fine now we are home! When she does stay at school they tell me she is fine and happy.

This is not the first time this has happened, she attended the nursery within the school and we had exactly these problems in the summer term. i contemplated a smaller school as i'm not thrilled with this school but we thought we'd stick with it as it is our catchment school and have had good comments from other moms.

She is saying it's too noisy and too busy and that sometimes she just wants to be quiet.

Any help greatly received, i feel quite down about the whole thing and think it is my fault for not being really hard with her???

PlumBumMum Wed 16-Sep-09 12:55:59

She will continue to scream and cling if you hang about, my dd1 did this it got to the stage I opened the door and had to go quickly while they distracted her,
but if she was really upset I would say ok go into school I just need to go to shop and I will come back and get you and I will have surprise (magazine or something), eventually it gets easier

Have her there early when less children about and the teacher can be ready to distract her
I know another mum who used to pretend she sat outside the school in the carpark all day so her dcs would go

mollythetortoise Wed 16-Sep-09 13:00:38

drop and go with lots of reassuring, you'll have a lovely day, see you later , we'll have xx (fav tea).
Don't look sad, look happy. Perhaps have a wod with one of the classs room assistanats to take they take her off you by hand and engage her in something when you first arrive.
Long lingering sad goodbyes are the worst thing in this situation and never take her home again (unless genuine illness)

hormonalmum Wed 16-Sep-09 13:01:05

Speak to the teacher and ask them to help distract her whilst you leave. Anyone else that could take her?

DD is fine for her dad but screams the place down when I take her.

You have my sympathy, I know how you feel.

My dd also says it is too noisy, I tell her to find a quiet spot and do something there.

moodlumthehoodlum Wed 16-Sep-09 13:04:12

Debs come and join our thread. We're mostly nervous wrecks and we wail and wring our hands at how difficult it is to settle a child in reception.

Its here

norfolklass Wed 16-Sep-09 13:04:39

Did you decide to bring her home or did the teacher ask you to take her home because she was so upset?

I can totally see where you are coming from because my DS started last week and although was fine at the beginning he was really upset at the end of last week so I know how awful it is seeing them so upset. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear but bringing her home because she was so upset is not going to help in the long run...yes pick her up early because she is tired etc or ask for her to do a shorter day but I honestly wouldn't have taken her home before she has even started the day. You said the school say she is fine at school when she is there so Im presuming its just the leaving mummy thing which is hard for her (and for us because if you are anything like me its pure torture)so once she has got used to that then hopefully things will calm down.

Don't be down though and its certainly not your fault for not being hard with her...they are our "babies" and we just want to help them as best we can but I honestly don't think taking her home would be the best thing for her in the long run. Any reception teacher should be able to handle even an extremely upset child and deal with accordingly...if she was upset literally all day then I would perhaps think again but from your post it doesn't sound like she is.

TheApprentice Wed 16-Sep-09 13:08:54

Hi, I was a reception teacher. Sorry to hear about your dd, you are probably more upset than she is!

One thing that really helped some children settle was to bring something in from home (could be favourite soft toy, or one of Mum's jumpers for example) which they can then carry round with them all day. The school I was teaching in was rather strict about bringing toys into school/playground/assembly etc but would make an exception in these circumstances.

Would you be able to take her home for lunch? Or would that just make settling her in the afternoon harder? I only ask because lunchtime is often a time that upsets children - a lot of noise and bigger kids in the dinner hall, and then lots of free time in the playground with nothing to distract them iyswim.

Hope things settle down for you soon.

debs227 Wed 16-Sep-09 13:21:42

I decided to bring her home as she was getting into such a state i couldn't have let her screaming like that. She refused to be with the teacher or the teaching assistant. So they were happy for me to sit with her to try and calm her down. we discussed it and felt that maybe she was ill.

when i have left her screaming before she has taken quite a while to calm down. And i was not impressed with the school office, after phoning to check that she was ok, they forgot to call me back which ended up in me going up to the school to check she was ok angry

I have asked her aunty to take her in tommorow morning, she has to go to the school anyway. Maybe this will help??

The teacher and assistant are happy to help distract her but they seem to have their hands full. All the children go into the classroom together so there is not a chance for me to take her in early.

gladders Wed 16-Sep-09 14:12:53

if you ha really decied to give this school a go then you have to do just that. you have to work out a way to improve drop off and cannot allow yourself to bring her home again - that'll be tricky now as she's realised that it's an option?

if the teacher and TA are happy to distract her and she is fine once you have left, then making the handover quicker is the only way forward? making sure she has nice snack/drink for playtime, that she has teddy with her/ that she kows she can choose a treat if she makes it through 1 day/1 week without fuss could all help?

TBH you don't sound like you're really 100% sure about the school - if she's picking up on that it won't help her settle?

debs227 Wed 16-Sep-09 14:35:39

gladders- you are probably right i'm not a 100% sure of the school. I think we thought that it was best to leave her here as she was at nursery with most of the children and didn't have to make new friends.
Seeing the problems we had in nursery it was a case of 'better the devil you know!'
Since choosing the school i have got fully involved with the school, with the PTA etc. I am trying my best, i'm just not sure now if this school is right for DD.

Will just have to perserve and try and leave her as quickly as possible.

MrsMagnolia Wed 16-Sep-09 14:35:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gladders Wed 16-Sep-09 17:07:21

that's the spirit debs! (was worried i'd been too harsh...) - give it a really good go for at least a term - bet you'll both be fine by then!

mrshouse Wed 16-Sep-09 17:07:48

Something no-one has mentioned is whether she has any friends who would influence her. We had a similar problem with DD so I found another parent who was willing to help and so we arranged a playdate and then her and her dd met us a little way up the road from the school and they walked in together. Took a few days but eventually the walking with the other little girl took over. Our school is lovely and friendly and so it wasn't difficult to find someone willing to help but perhaps there's a parent who's child is totally new to the school who would love to help cement a new friendship.

Obviously depends on your circumstances and the make up of the class but might help.

debs227 Wed 16-Sep-09 19:34:04

mrshouse - she has s special little friend who lives round the corner from us, they are very close friends and they sit by each other for lunch. but as he's a boy. Her very close friend who is a girl has gone to a different school, they were attached at the hip in nursery.

Anyway, further update, i took her to the docs this afternoon as she was complaining when she went to the loo and she has an infection. So she's on antibiotics. So maybe she was ill after all!! blush

sarararararah Wed 16-Sep-09 20:03:29


Another reception teacher here. What ever you do, please do not tell her you are sitting in the car all day. I had a mum last year who did this and it made the situation much worse. This was because the child wanted me to just pop out and get his mummy (from the car). When he realised that she wasn't really there his trust in her (and consequently all of us) was broken and it took a long time to rebuild. I was very cross as mum hadn't advised me that she had told her son this and therefore his trust in me was broken too. It was a very difficult situation all round.

Your dd will be fine. I promise! Keep being positive about school, about the lovely things you'll do when she gets home and make hand over times as short as you can. Her aunty taking her in may well help in the short term too.

I always phone parents by break time to let them know how their little ones are. Maybe the teacher could do that for you too? It's still very early days; some children just find it more stressful adapting to new situations than others but she will get there.

Good luck!

MrsSpillane Sun 20-Sep-09 23:30:21

My DS has just completed his first full week on school and is going through exactly the same thing. He becomes very anxious once it's time to go into the classroom and then cries out 'Please dont leave me' after quickly settling him and kissing him goodbye. It really is heartbreaking.

The plan was for him to go catch the school bus from tomorrow but I think this is one step too far at the moment and need him to be going into school happily.

Does anyone else child complain about the noise? DS is a quiet child and seems to find lunchtime especially unsettling due to the noise levels, I'm sure he will get used to it!

Really hoping that all our DC's feel more settled this week, it is so emotionally draining.

Good luck all x

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