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Need to let off steam

(23 Posts)
saggyhairyarse Fri 10-Jul-09 10:34:35

My son is on Year 2 at school and doing OK, he is not academic but tries really hard. He is a people pleaser/rule follower and so the school find him easy going etc BUT he is having a problem with one boy in his class.

Basically, they hate each other. They don't get on and that is just how it is. Except the other boy is basically making my sons life hell at playtime. He runs after him all play time, jumping on my DSs back til he falls on the floor (he is a lot bigger than my son), punching him and he has bitten him so that on two occasions my DS has broken skin. He is ripped two coats and one fancy dress costume and he has done stuff like deleting my DSs work off the computer.

I am not at all precious about my children. I have put a lot of it down to boys being boys and things like the clothes getting ruined as playground high jinks.

But my DS has got sadder and lower over the last few weeks and I have spoken to the school about this twice, and again this morning.

I am going to speak to the other boys Mum after school today but really what can anyone actually do???? Yes, they can punish the other boy after the event but no one can stop it in the first place.

GrimmaTheNome Fri 10-Jul-09 10:40:53

Is the playtime not supervised in any way?

The school ought to be able to stop at least some of this bullying. [It may have started as roughhousing, but its bullying now if it makes your DS sad and low, and deleting work of the computer is just malicious - thats not 'boys being boys']

If you think it might help, perhaps you could suggest some sort of 'buddy' system - an older child who keeps an eye on a child. One for your DS, one for the other kid, to simply keep them apart at break.

gorionine Fri 10-Jul-09 10:42:46

I know the school year is getting to an end but I still think you should have a word with his teacher. Not to punish the boy for things that have been previously done, but so she/he can monitor the situation so it does not happen again.

I had a similar problem with DS3 in Reception. He himself could make a very clear difference between when he was playing fight with his friends and when he was actually being picked on by one of the boys. His teacher has been fantastic, I hope you will have the same experience!

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 10-Jul-09 10:50:36

Please don't approach the parent, you need to keep it a school problem rather than turn it into something more personal

I am sorry you child is having to put up with this

Saxonne Fri 10-Jul-09 10:53:57

I think you should try and sort it now before they break up, or you will both be dwelling on it all through the holiday.

There should be some supervision surely, either a teacher or DRA? And if not, why not?

mummyrex Fri 10-Jul-09 10:57:16

sad for your poor lad but really really don't talk to the parent. It very rarely helps and often makes things far worse. Much better to talk to the school.

Tamarto Fri 10-Jul-09 11:16:39

Don't approach the parent, it's not a good idea, speak to the school again. What have the school said about it the first two times you've spoken to them?

Pyrocanthus Fri 10-Jul-09 11:24:55

That's plain old bullying. What everyone says, speak to the school not the mum. If you're not getting any joy from the class teacher, go to the head.

saggyhairyarse Fri 10-Jul-09 12:49:26

The teacher has been good and that is the thing, I don't think the school could do more.

At play time they are well supervised and if the other boy gets out of hand he is made to sit out for 5 mins and then if he returns and carries on he is in the Heads office. According to the teacher he is losing most of his playtimes/golden time. The school have spoken to the parents and will be speaking to them again.

I am going to speak to the Mum. I won't make it personal and would not have a go at her, thats not my style! My son has visual impairment so my approach would be that I realise the boys don't get on and that is fine as they don't have to get on with everyone but I wondered if she could have her word with her DS and let him know that my DS has visual impairment/poor peripheral vision and cannot always see her DS in the playground or anticipate when/where hs is coming from blah, blah, blah. Kind of making it our issue that I would appreciate help with. I don't think it can make it any worse.

Thanks for advice though, I appreciate it!

Pyrocanthus Fri 10-Jul-09 13:03:50

I'm very sorry, what a mess. I'm inclined to say if the boy is still bullying your son then the school clearly hasn't done enough, but I don't have any positive suggestions.

I would advise caution in approaching the mum, however - she clearly knows what is going on, so either she doesn't want to do anything, or her efforts aren't working. I'm not saying for a moment that all children who get into bullying have bad parents, but do you know anything about her which might suggest that she might be prepared to work with you, or are you running the risk of getting involved with another bully?

Pyrocanthus Fri 10-Jul-09 13:08:46

Actually, I do have a positive suggestion. I just re-read the bit about biting and breaking your son's skin. Go back to the school, use the word bullying and insist that they protect your son.

I'm not suggesting you rush in and start throwing the furniture about, but I think everyone is perhaps being a little too civilised about this.

Sitting out for 5 mins. is not adequate punishment for deliberate physical injuries.

Tamarto Fri 10-Jul-09 13:13:32

School can do more, otherwise it would have stopped.

Whatever your intentions speaking to the mum is a bad idea.

You may think you are being non personal and not in any way agressive but she may not see it your way!

RE You not thinking it can make it worse, that is being very nieve(sp?) just have a nosey on a few threads where the parents have become involved and see if you change your mind!

cory Fri 10-Jul-09 13:22:59

agree with previous posters: you need to put pressure on the school to keep your son safe; it's their responsibility

gorionine Fri 10-Jul-09 13:23:59

I go againt the grain but why is it such a bad thing to approach the boy's mum, if she has already tried the school. I am pretty sure that if one of my dcs were being a bit "bruta" to another child I would like to be made aware of it but it seems to be the concensus that it is the wrong thing to do, why?

saggyhairyarse Fri 10-Jul-09 13:26:05

I will speak to the school again. I have not spoken of the other boy in those terms.

Pyrocanthus Fri 10-Jul-09 13:28:28

Because the school have already spoken to her and nothing has changed, so she either doesn't care or can't help. I know what you mean about wanting to know if your child were misbehaving, but it sounds as if she does.

The worst outcome would be if the mother were to take massive offence at OP's approach and kick off some sort of family feud. The school should obviously involve the parents, but I don't think the OP should approach them.

gorionine Fri 10-Jul-09 13:29:33

meant to be "brutal", not bruta

Pyrocanthus Fri 10-Jul-09 13:30:57

Good, saggy. Describe the behaviour very clearly. I suspect you're not one to make a fuss (nor am I by nature), but as a friend of mine once said, you learn to be assertive when you become a parent.

Good luck.

cory Fri 10-Jul-09 13:33:24

It is possible that the Mum is unable to control his behaviour when he is away from her. A friend of ds's had enormous anger management issues, despite being brought up lovingly and firmly by his parents (but there were stresses in the family that was outside their control). What was needed was a big effort on the part of the school: dinner ladies had to be on the ball, he was taught various tricks to spot when he was about to get angry and stop it, he had counselling, he was closely supervised at playtime and removed at the first sign of trouble.

woodlands35 Fri 10-Jul-09 13:38:56

saggy i have been going through this with my ds for the last 2 years , it is NOT a good idea to approach the parents as it will make matters worse imo , go to the head & ask her what her policy is to deal with this situation , explain to her that it is having an effect on your ds & you are concerned about him having to cope with this , the principle in my ds school keeps the bully in from yard now for 2 weeks every time he touches my ds & she also holds him back at home time until the other children get down the road to the parents . you need to arrange a meeting with the principle asap
also i have found that getting my dh to attend meetings with principle has helped as she seems to act quickly when we both talk to her . good luck

coppola Fri 10-Jul-09 13:39:10

yes, I would speak to the school, use the word 'bullying' and escalate this. Agree with those who say to keep it to the school and not to speak to the mother.

Best of luck, hope things get better for your son.

mummyrex Fri 10-Jul-09 14:16:11

Hi gorionine

IME even the nicest, most reasonable and usually pleasant people get defensive, upset, even angry if you (as just another parent)approach them with something negative about their child especially when it is also only 'victim'-child's view of the situation.

Much better for the school to investigate, manage and talk to parents if necessary.

gorionine Fri 10-Jul-09 16:50:13

Yeah, you are probably right all of you. I will probably be a bit ennoyed when someone comes and tells me my child is bullying theirsgrin, but I would do my best not to show it to the victims mother AND have a discussion with my child to explain that their behaviour has been unacceptable.

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