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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

DD not invited to party again...

119 replies

minko · 02/10/2008 21:58

DD has just started year 1. In the past year or so there have been 3 or 4 parties now that seemingly everyone is invited to and DD is not. All her closest friends have got invites but DD hasn't. Now I could just be a bit paranoid but I guess at their age the mummies have more say in who gets invited. So my paranoia is that I am not making enough of an effort with the other mummies. To be honest I keep it to cheery hellos, rather than full on chats in the playground, all the cliqueiness wears me out. Must I make more effort or should I just not get bothered about this in the first place!!??

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MollieO · 02/10/2008 22:13

Is she bothered? If yes then maybe a bit of effort on your part is required. If not then I wouldn't worry about it.

cuddlesrus · 02/10/2008 22:24

minko, you'll find some of the mums try to choose their kids friends for them, then it all blows up in their faces when the kids argue or fall out (like all kids do)

stick to doing your own thing, your child will make friends she likes and will become her own person.

let the cliques clique away without you!

Spidermama · 02/10/2008 22:28

Could you ask your dd if there's anyone she'd like to invite to tea? Kids love going to each others houses after tea and it makes a small connection between your family and theirs.

It's worth putting some effort into playground connections, expecially if you're worried. It would put your mind at rest.

Also when the person comes to pick their child up from yours you can always offer them a cuppa. A 20 minute chat is all you need sometimes to break the ice.

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 22:54

I wouldn't offer anyone who treated one of my kids like that a "cuppa". In my opinion, grown adults who exclude small children from class parties are not worth spitting on. In my world, you invite the whole class to the party or no one at all. It's quite appalling to me that anyone would think differently, but I know from personal experience (I own a nursery and have had to ban the handing out of invitations on the grounds that kids were being excluded, which they might not realise at 3 and 4, but it's very hurtful for parents) and from reading the messages on these boards that people do. It's very very bad form.

MrsJamesMartin · 02/10/2008 23:00

Have to disagree bobbysmum, theres no reason the whole class should be invited, it should be who the child is friend with.

My kids don't get invited to every party, but neither does everyone get invited to theirs.

Its life.

cthea · 02/10/2008 23:08

Minko's DD is only in yr 1 and at that age, like she says, all other children are invited. So it is hurtful if yours isn't.

Minko - is it the parents who hand out invitations, or the children? I know on a few occasions DS forgot his invitation at school or lost it or at other times other children lost his. I only found out later and it can be awkward for both parents as one side thinks "I'm not going to mention it, my DC didn't get invited", while the other thinks "I'm not going to ask why they didn't even bother replying".

MollieO · 02/10/2008 23:08

There's the rub. I have no issue with my ds being invited or not being invited to parties and neither does he. My ds has been to nursery parties where the entire nursery have been invited and he has been to parties where 12 were invited. He has also not been invited to other children's parties who he has invited to his. I have no issue with any of that as it is down to individual choice. My childminder gave me grief about not inviting the other children she looked after. My ds didn't like them so why would I invite them?

He has now started school and been invited to his first class party. I am thankful that his class is small in size but frankly he doesn't play with everyone in his class so why does he have to invite them? Equally why should I expect him to be invited to theirs?

In addition I am well aware that my ds may become friends with children whose parents wouldn't be top of my guest list but that is life. I do, however, make an effort to get on with them if it makes him happy to play with his friend even if it is with someone I'd run a mile from in different circumstances!

MrsJamesMartin · 02/10/2008 23:11

My DD has just gone into yr 2 and she wasn't invited to every party from nursery onwards.

Yes, I agree, you do feel a bit put out but it doesn't need to be a big thing for you or your child.

If the OP's childs friends are only being invited because their mums are all mates then its not anything about what the kids want is it?

cthea · 02/10/2008 23:14

I've never been "friends" with any of the other mums and I don't feel that's had any influence at all on the number of party invitations DS received. This also means I've never felt the need to veto any of his choices of whom to invite. It would be sad to think grown up women play politics like this through their DCs.

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 23:14

See what I mean? What a selfish selfish attitude.

Hello? These are little kids. It hurts to be the one left out. It hurts to be the parent of the one left out.

It is not ok to do that to children.

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 23:17

And by the way, MollieO, kids in Reception don't yet know who they like and dislike.

What a wonderful example you must set your son with your generous attitude towards other people.

dinny · 02/10/2008 23:19

but you can't invite everyone to everything, can you - I think so long as it's really small, like 5-10 kids out of 30, it's fine

think parties get smaller as they get older - think dd going to have just a coupld next year for a special day out

MrsJamesMartin · 02/10/2008 23:20

Ok. Its selfish of me to organise a party for DD and have a limit to numbers ( I don't have a bottomless purse), and to say to DD "who do you want to come to your party?",she then gets to invite those that are important to her, this usually includes classmates, kids from other years and friends from outside school.

So what should Minko do? Invite the whole class and maybe still not get invited to every party surely that would make her and her DD feel even worse?

MrsJamesMartin · 02/10/2008 23:22

I agree that younger children change their friends all the time but they tend to, and esp girls ime, have some people that they spend more time with, are more interested in etc.

MollieO · 02/10/2008 23:23

If my ds was upset then yes I'd be upset too. However he has yet to care about whether he is invited or not. We've even had the case of being told of a party date some time in advance but the party invite not materialising. He would only be upset if I was upset and honestly there is more to worry about in life. We have also had the invites from friends of mine who have same age children but whom he doesn't know. We happily go, me to catch up with a friend, him because it is a party. He then has come up to me to ask why has he been invited and whose party is it!

Sometimes it isn't about being selfish, I think it is more often than not a question of finances. Most parties cost minimum £10 per child (and some cost a lot more). Most party presents cost £10. Not all of us have bottomless pits to invite entire nurseries, classes etc

Skramble · 02/10/2008 23:28

Answer to original post,

"just not get bothered about this in the first place"

get over it its not worth it,
some peolpe invite them all,
some people invite children of people they are friendly with,
some invite some children their child mentions that week.

Some might have evil intentions to manipulate their childrens lives and freindships for the rest of their lives.

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 23:28

You've just said you didn't invite the other kids your childminder looked after because your (presumably then preschool-aged) child "didn't like them".

Bloody hell. I bet their parents didn't like you.

stealthsquiggle · 02/10/2008 23:32

5-10 kids out of 30 is fine

20+ kids out of 30 is not, IMO

which is it, do you think, OP?

stealthsquiggle · 02/10/2008 23:33

(meaning, of course, that 30 out of 30 is fine)

PillockOfTheCommunity · 02/10/2008 23:34

what? why on earth should she invite children her child didn't like?

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 23:38

Her child was 3. He presumably spend most of the week with these other children.

Do you really think a 3 year old child knows who they like or dislike?

Quite honestly, I find it pretty sad that a 3 year child could even offer an opinion like that about another child.

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 23:40

Anyway, I'm so disgusted by this, I can't even be bothered to argue the point.

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MollieO · 02/10/2008 23:43

"Didn't like them". "Mummy I don't want x and y to come to my party". "Mummy I don't like x and y". Seemed pretty clear to me! I suggested he might want to rethink but he said he didn't want a party if they came. The list he made me write was pretty clear too.

He is viewed by the teaching staff as very independent-minded so maybe that is unusual for a 4 yr old although he seems much like all the other 4 yr olds I know. All of whom seem to have very clear ideas about whom they want to have playdates with and whom they want at their parties.

Can't say I am bothered whether the c'minding children's parents liked me or not. I never met them. Life is too short to be bothered with people you have nothing in common with and whom your children don't like.

PillockOfTheCommunity · 02/10/2008 23:43

yes actually, I think a 3yr old is more than capable of knowing who they like to play with and who they don't, especially if they spend that much time with them. It would be different if it was just one child not invited though.

chocomaestro · 02/10/2008 23:49

just picked this up- is it worth getting upset? Not a good role model for children It is upsetting, but probably some of the kids are invited to some of the parties and it all comes out in the wash? And some people are more sociable than others. And you need to be supporting your own child, not just networking with all the other parents?

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