someone pushed 4 yr old ds today. What should I do?

[MrPinkerton]

Ds week 3 of Reception, doing okish settling in I suppose, however, here and there kids can be a bit 'unpleasant'. So someone shoved him out of the way in the loos today and DP wants me to phone his teacher NOW and tell her.

He is our pfb, in case you were wondering!

Would you phone - I feel a bit embarrassed and maybe like I'm a bit overprotective doing this?

Or not or what?

[MamaG]

I had a quiet word with (new starter at reception) DS's teacher after the same boy hurt DS TWICE. First time I didn't mention it, second time I did

Thankfully he's calmed down (other boy) but you do have to be prepared for a bit of rough and tumble. I only mentioned it because it happened twice in 2 days and I wanted to nip it in the bud.

I'd wait and see if anything happens again

[sweetgrapes]

If it's general boisterousness and is not being picked on then I wouldn't.

[tiredlady]

I know it's nerve racking when your first child starts school, but it was only a push. Most 5 year olds aren't great at personal space boundaries, so a bit of pushing and shoving is not that unusual - especially with boys.

From what you describe, it doesn't sound as if your ds is being systematically bullied or targeted ( a different matter altogether)so I would just leave it.

[frogs]

Kids push each other, it's what they do. Boys especially.

Unless the same child is regularly picking on your ds you should let it go. And teach him verbal strategies for dealing with it, eg. "Stop pushing me".

[MrPinkerton]

no I don't think he is targetted but I think it was a proper out-me-way! push .

he is a gentle boy though and doesn't respond at all to being shoved. We tell him to say 'stop that' and such but in the moment I think he freezes.

Out of interest why d'you think I shouldn't call teacher? Would it reflect negatively on us/him?

My neices school teaches the kids to say 'I don't like that'.

[frogs]

Because kids will get pushed at school, and they need to learn to deal with it. The teacher will think you're overreacting, tbh, and will be less likely to take you seriously if something genuinely worrying does happen, cos she'll have you marked out as an overanxious mum.

[seeker]

I do think that if you ring the teacher every time your child is pushed or jostled then you'll be on the phone every day - it's part and parcel of school life unfortunately. And if you do, you may find the teacher understandably less quick to act if something more serious happens (the crying Wolf effect)

And also remember that small children are not necessarily the best witnesses - if he isn't very upset it is possible (I only say possible - don't hit me!) that it was a bit what my MIL calls "six and two threes".

See if you can casually find out what the pusher's name is - and watch for it coming up again. Either as a pusher, or as your ds's new best friend!

[MrPinkerton]

targeted I can't blardy type or spell or anything with the worry of it all

[Anchovy]

I have a theory with schools that it is worth keeping your powder dry, so to speak.

At some stage in my DCs schooling career I am sure that there is something that will have me up at the school like an exocet. But it has to be worth it, and for it to be really effective, you have to be the mother who hasn't been up there complaining about every shove.

TBH, I think part of school is learning to deal with things like this (I am talking a bit of low level jostling, not hitting/bullying etc). There are ranges of boisterousness - my DS, like yours, is at the gentler end. I have found that children wuth older siblings (ie DD!) are much more relaxed about a bit of physical argy bargy. They do all learn to understand what is acceptable and what is not quite quickly, IMHO.

[MrPinkerton]

thank you all for the sound advice. I have already spoken to his teacher a couple of times about other things so a bit to keep badgering her.

[MrPinkerton]

actually DP just phoned to say he's noticed ds has a scratch on his forehead. Some little girl scratched him in the playground.

Now I am pissed off. What sort of a school am I sending him to

[wheresthehamster]

Every time your child tells you something like this your first question should be 'Why do you think he/she did this?'. Children need to be encouraged to think of cause and effect.
E.g.
A boy pushed me in the playground.
Why do you think he did this?
He tripped over someone's foot and fell on me.

(This happened today - that's why I've just thought of it!)

[lulumama]

you are sending him to school with normal , young boisterous children, some will only just be 4, and not always able to control their tempers, and will barge/push and scratch

you will be on the phone every day if you call school every time it happens

the teacher will have strategies for dealing with this

and your boy might be the pusher next week

don;t make a big deal unless it seems to be one child making a direct and sustained attack on your child specifically

[mabanana]

Yes, don't assume that a/your child is giving you anything like an accurate account of his day
b/that he is always the innocent one
Kids do make stuff up, especially if it gets a really big, thrilling reaction. So if he says 'I was pushed' and dad goes off the deep end, or if he passes off a minor scratch from falling as an attack, everyone goes mad, then that's a good incentive to carry on.
Also, a push could be because he was standing in the way and someone needed to get by, or it could be a jostle. If you didn't see the incident, do try to stay calm, otherwise you will have a heart attack before the end of reception. I would say calling his teacher now would be a total waste of her valuable and precious time.

[lulumama]

good point mabanana, DS used to tell me he played with no-one and had no friends for the first few weeks of reception, i went to speak to the teacher who said he was one of the most popular children in the whole year group!

[pucca]

I would think it is quite normal for there to be this type of thing happening at school.

My dd is also on her 3rd week of reception, and she got pushed hard from behind in the playground by one little boy in her class, i didn't say anything, as once i think is ok but if it happens again and again then i would go and talk to the teacher.

There have been murmers around the playground between parents about one little boy in particular, who does seem to have hurt quite a few of the children but as far as i know the school are dealing with this, i just feel for the mum as i can't stand all this tittle tattle, and this playground gossip is why i dreading dd starting school tbh.

[pucca]

Sorry i went off on a bit of a tangent (sp?) then

[Blu]

You are sending him to a perfectly normal school full of perfectly normal children, all over-excitied and milling round the playground, and all with (as yet) very rough-hewn social sklls.

They run about with thier arms flailing, they get over-excited, they have accidents, they are volatile. AND if you and you dp do al this 'oh no' concerned act, be prepared for tales of ever-increasing drama to rezch you......

If your do noticed the scratch - rather than your ds telling him, because I hurt, or because he was / is upset - DO NOTHING! DS ha dmany small bumps and scratches - sometimes he didn't know how he had got them - but often made up a reason if i asked him.

Seriouly, if your DS is happy ay school and enjoying it, there is nothing to worry about and you will mark yourself out as a fusspot, not to be taken seriously, if you mention these minor happenings.

As others have said, if a particular child is hurting him, have a word with the teacher - but not urgent phonecalls.

It's all normal

[Blu]

Mabanana is absilutely right - sweet communicative children have vivid and active imaginations, and seriously, they cannot always be certain of the difference between things that have actualy happened and things they have thought about. DS came home with all sorts of dramatic tales of bullyiong by much older children - in cicumstances that could not possibly have been true.

Do not draw attention to small scratches or bumps. Anything nasty will be pointed out by teachers at the end of the day. They do keep quite an eye on Reception children at playtime.

[cory]

MrPinkerton on Wed 24-Sep-08 17:15:33
"actually DP just phoned to say he's noticed ds has a scratch on his forehead. Some little girl scratched him in the playground.

Now I am pissed off. What sort of a school am I sending him to "

Errr...probably one with children in it, by the sounds of it.

Are you saying that he has never been scratched before? Does he not play outside with other children? My memories of that age is that ds (a very happy little lad) was permanently getting covered in bruises and scratches. And he is a very gentle boy himself.

MrPinkerton on Wed 24-Sep-08 16:00:43

"Out of interest why d'you think I shouldn't call teacher? Would it reflect negatively on us/him?"

Because if the teacher has to field 30 phone calls a day about children being shoved in the playground, your son's education is bound to suffer; there just aren't that many hours in the working day.

Can I just remind you of the experience of a friend of mine? Her ds (whom she had always known as the most gentle and truthful boy) told her that he had been pushed over by another boy in the playground. She rushed in to have a go at the teacher and demand that this bully be punished. The teacher, as it turned out, was just recovering from a similar visit from the other Mum who had heard the same story told from the other side by her son, also in her eyes a gentle and truthful little boy; she had also been fuming and demanding punishment. As it so happened, there had been an incident and there were several eyewitnesses. They agreed that the first little boy was the aggressor. I am convinced to this day that he was not being a little liar: he told his Mum the story as it appeared to him. It just wasn't how it appeared to anybody else.

If you make a big scene now, I don't for a moment suppose that the teacher will take it out on your son in any way. But when your ds happens to give another child a shove without meaning to, I am sure she will make a point of informing you of the situation

If you want a quiet life, I would give less attention to what goes on in your son's school day, unless he seems genuinely unhappy and frightened of going to school.

And be very careful that you don't send him the message that he should be scared- it would be quite inexcusable to spoil his experience by feeding him your fears.

[MrPinkerton]

I'm bloody fuming! I wouldn't phone her now but might catch her in the morning. Don't teachers want to know when the kids are rough so that they can address the whole class about it?

Isn't this what her precious time is paid for? Caring for the 4 yr olds in her class? A shove is one thing but a scratch is nasty. He wouldn't make it up. He only told dp about it cos dp noticed the scratchmark.

[lulumama]

have you read the posts below? you say yourself he is your PFB.. i really think you need to take a step back, it is , although not nice, normal.

as i said, what will happen if your DS is the one doing hte pushing next tiem?

[cory]

Blu reminds me of my MIL's experience. She went fuming into dh's infants school demanding heads on a platter because her son had told her that they were being taught wrestling at school. MIL is 86 and she still blushes and looks very sheepish when you bring this up.

[MrPinkerton]

lulumama that's just it, he just doesn't push anyone about.

I am reading and paying attention to your posts.