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I feel like I made a HUGE mistake

(25 Posts)
neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 09:54:41

dd started reception in a tiny village school, the kind of school that decides they suddenly want to bake or have hot chocolate or go outside and they just do it cause the class sizes were 12 in a class and they could do.

Due to a marriage breakdown where we had to leave the area to get away, dd moved to another school in January and is now in yr1, big town school two form , 60 kids etc. DD is bright but if she can get away with doing nothing all year she will and she is not just not preogressing but going dramatically backwards, I play number/word games etc etc, visit the library etc and read with her every night.

I really dont know what to do, socially she is doing well but I just feel this school isnt for her academically but dont know what to do at all, do I change schools, I could afford to pay private from January but not yet but Im afraid they wont let her in private school as her ability has gone backwards so much, she could do more before she started school last year than she could do now Help!

Cappuccino Wed 17-Sep-08 09:57:16

god what a pressure you seem to be under for her to perform academically!

your marriage has broken down, she's moved away from everything she knows and all her friends

she might just be finding it hard to adjust; give her a break and a bit of TLC rather than stressing about her academic progress, she is only y1

Seeline Wed 17-Sep-08 09:59:19

Have you spoken to her teacher about it? My DS is ery bright but can't really see the point of school work! I have spoken to his teacher and she has been very understanding and helpful and is - in a very nice way- forcing him to make the most of his potential. Try this approach first and see how it goes. Has she got a new teacher this term? She may have a different approach to the previous one that suits your daughter better.

Mercy Wed 17-Sep-08 10:03:18

Agree with Cappucino.

My dd has always been in the same school, is also bright but she also took some time to settle into Yr 1 - it's quite a big jump up from Reception.

She's now going through another period of adjustment as she's just gone into Yr 3 (new playground, teacher etc)

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 10:03:28

no i dont mean i want her to be an academic brainbox or anything lol, its just the change has been so dramatic in her ability i am really worried something is wrong. I have this child who has gone from reading level 6 books to not being able to read and, the etc , does not recognise her letters or numbers anymore etc.

She has adjusted brilliantly and has been in the new school nearly ten months. She hadnt made friends at her old school but has loads here and new children here before she started so she settled immediatley.

Perhaps its a delayed reaction?

thebecster Wed 17-Sep-08 10:06:20

Think it is more likely to be caused by the stress of marriage breakdown, moving home, and adjusting to her new school, than due to the teaching standards of the school. She might seem to have settled immediately, but there might be some stress under the surface. Don't worry about her progress for a while, concentrate on making sure she feels secure in her new environment. Sorry you've had such a stressful time yourself.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 10:07:08

seeline I have tried but you dont see them in a morning or at night and when ive tried i have been offered the head which i have found in the past not worth bothering with.

My DD is the same as Seelines, she is bright but doesnt see the point in schoolwork. She doesnt even try anymore.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 10:13:18

I think the teacher she has and had last year are brill teachers, i dont think the teaching standard of the school is an issue, just that dd doesnt see the point of schoolwork and in a class of 30 its easier for a child to sit and do nothing.

I do wonder if I miss the old school more than she does! Im stressed to hell over a lot of things at the moment and maybe the fact i could pop in and quickly have a word if i was concerned at the old school was more of why it wasnt an issue (not that i went in regulary, just the fact i could if i needed.)

Im not a pushy mum at all its just the change has been so dramatic and i am beating myself up for not finding a way she could stay at the perfect little school we both loved

hanaflower Wed 17-Sep-08 10:19:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory Wed 17-Sep-08 10:25:33

Just be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can for dd. It is not unusual for children to regress during times of great upheaval; it may well be a delayed reaction as you say. I would book an appointment specifically with the teacher and just have a gentle chat, see what she thinks. But stop beating yourself up about the lovely little village school- sometimes we have to do things that are not ideal for our children. And it may be that later on she will find there are compensations to this bigger different environment.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 10:28:25

nothing will happen if she does nothing all year, she will still be a bright and stubborn little girl lol, "and how likely do you think that is?" very lol , as her previous teacher said she would quite happily sit and do nothing all year, school work is "boring" but apparently just writing your name on the top of the page and doing nothing else isnt.

pudding25 Wed 17-Sep-08 10:53:13

You need to book an appointment to see the teacher. Call the office and ask for an appt to be arranged. Is the school aware of your home circumstances?
Term has only just started. Your dd is probably upset about your huge family changes, even if she is not showing it. Please make sure the school knows what is going on at home.
If you speak the the teacher, she can keep an eye on DD, emotionally and academically.
She is bound to be affected in some way if your marriage has broken down (does she still see her dad?) and she has moved home and school.
I think you are expecting far too much from her.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 11:08:18

Im not bothered what level she is actually achieveing (well as a caring interested parent i am but you know what i mean) I think its just shocked me because its been such a dramatic decline its made me worried that something is dreadfully wrong and made me feel even more guilty than i already did at moving her schools.

I have asked school to keep an eye on her emotionally and been told she is fine and tbh dismissed a little over my conern emotionally as she is doing so well in that aspect, has loads of friends etc, she sees her dad and talks about him openly both with my family and at school and we make sure she is allowed to in a positive manner, although she isnt bothered about visiting him due to the circumstance we left under.

I just feel sooo guilty. I have put a little note in dds reading book as i dont see the teacher at either point in picking dd up asking if i can see her.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 11:10:44

what i mean by she isnt bothered about visiting him, she does see him lots but if i were to say shall we go to see daddy this weekend she would say nahh id prefer to go to blah this week.

thebecster Wed 17-Sep-08 11:22:34

It doesn't sound like you had much choice about moving her school - your marriage broke up, you had to move. Don't beat yourself up too much. Good idea to put a note in the reading book, and just have a word with the teacher. Are you okay? Do you have support around you? It sounds like you're under a lot of stress yourself and trying to make everything okay for your dd and worrying that you're not managing to make it all still perfect for her... Maybe I'm way off track??

abear Wed 17-Sep-08 11:32:11

If she is bright then she will continue to be bright - they have funny turns. My DS has just gone in to y2 and last year he could hardly write legibly and had trouble getting any ideas on to paper, we had to go to Occupational Therapist for assessment, had extra lessons etc, and I was told lots we should do over the summer. Due to bad organisation I did nothing - he has gone in to Y2 and is suddenly writing 3 pages of news, has loads of ideas and is fine. They seem to just sort things out. He is in a small class in a private school and I do feel the level of attention they get is reassuring and I am sure they would bring your daughter up to speed if she has slipped back and you chose to go down that path - having said that they clearly over reacted to his hand writing issue as they want all children to possibly perform far to much for their ages. Maybe you should visit other shcools in the area and it may reassure you that you should stay where you are, or that you should move again, you don't have to make any decisions yet - ususually something happens which will help make the decision for you. Good Luck!

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 11:38:01

Not off track at all, struggling emotionally and financially with no support in either aspect. I suspect the only thing holding me together was that dd was doing so well and i thought oh at least dd is ok. Now thats come crashing down as well.

SlartyBartFast Wed 17-Sep-08 11:44:21

has she got a pet?
that is meant to be good therapy
or have you spoken to school about getting her some therapy, if she needs it to come to terms with the family situation?

thebecster Wed 17-Sep-08 11:45:27

Sorry that I was right. You're obviously a very involved and loving mother, and you're trying to do the best thing for her. She will be okay, because she's got you and you're looking out for her. You need to make sure you take care of yourself too. Do you have friends in your new area? Do you work, or would you like to, perhaps? Take care of yourself anyway, in whatever way makes sense to you. Remember 'fit the oxygen mask to yourself first, before fitting it to your child' - those safety instructions work in real life too! I'm sure you're a lovely person who will make lots of new friends in your new home. So sorry about what you're going through.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 12:48:02

slarty she has got pets, she seems/seemed to be coming to terms with the family situation fine, it was/is me not coping, shes a sensible little girl and just sort of took it in her stride, its only since mid summer holidays there has been any problem.

thebecster I am self employed and work from home so dont see many people, I have tried to make friends at the school gates but it isnt happening, i think they see me as different to them social class wise as school is in a very very social deprived area and the fact that before I was self employed I often went straight to school in full business suits straight from work because thats what i had to wear for work when the rest of the parents were in tracky bottoms and such probably made me look unaprochable.

So no I dont know anyone here, the one family we were close to have moved areas because of her dhs job
Im starting uni in a few weeks but everyone in my class looks really really young and on enrolment week were taking about going on a pub crawl and such so ive no doubt i will just be the old fart who cant come because she hasnt got a babysitter there as well.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 12:49:16

probably also because dd moved school mid term parents had already made their little playground clichs (sp?)

thebecster Wed 17-Sep-08 13:13:12

I work from home too, and it's easy to get isolated. I make sure I organise at least one client meeting a week so that I don't get cabin fever! Are there any local business or parent networking organisations you can join? Or local clients/suppliers you could go for a coffee with during your working day? Or a workshop you could go to on something relevant to your business? (Business Link website has lists of business events, lots of them are free)

My DS is still at nursery, but from what I hear of 'school gates' it can be a bit daunting... I find it easier to make friends through work. Funny how work seems less competitive than mothering in social situations sometimes grin You will make friends - it just takes time.

cory Wed 17-Sep-08 14:02:59

neverforget on Wed 17-Sep-08 11:38:01
"Not off track at all, struggling emotionally and financially with no support in either aspect. I suspect the only thing holding me together was that dd was doing so well and i thought oh at least dd is ok. Now thats come crashing down as well."

I know that feeling and it's horrible. And then you feel guilty because you realise you had pinned your hopes on a small child. And so it goes on...

I was brought up short against this one last year, when I realised that I had kept going through 4 years of dd's disability/chronic pain/being discriminated against at school/struggling emotionally, because somewhere at the back of my mind I had been saying to myself: well at least ds is all right; he is a happy little boy, that's one area of my life that I don't need to worry about. And then of course ds was diagnosed with the same thing... Afterwards I realised that I had been falling into a bit of a trap here, because I was beginning to turn ds into the person who wasn't allowed to have anything wrong with him- because it was too much for me.

But I think it is easy to overestimate problems, when they come as a last straw (ds hasn't turned terribly ill as yet anyway). It helps if you can temporarily put everything else aside and just look at this particular problem.

With your dd I would cling to the fact that she is not having social problems- that is a big success on her part. And on yours, because it shows you have been able to ease her through the transition without major ill effects.

Certainly see the teacher; if she does not respond to your note you can ring up the office and ask for an appointment. Explain the situation, ask if she thinks you should be doing something or if she feels it is better to deal with this in class.

neverforget Wed 17-Sep-08 16:22:00

thanks cory it is a big success on her part for a child who started school on a special program for social development due to suspected aspergers

Teacher responded to note will see her tommorow

pudding25 Wed 17-Sep-08 20:43:07

neverforget It must be really hard but take credit for the fact that your dd emotionally seems to be doing well from what you have said. That is down to you and that is more important than her academic work at the moment. I am sure that the teacher will help you get that aspect sorted.

Have you investigated your PTA? I don't know what it is like in your school but where I teach, the PTA have reps for each class and they organise get togethers for the parents. Even if that is not the case, maybe you could speak to them about helping out when you have time and that way, you might be able to get to meet some of the mums?

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