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One Year and One Week into school and STILL DS has NO friends.... WTF can I do?

(34 Posts)
Alambil Tue 16-Sep-08 23:59:14

He's crying himself to sleep this week.

It's breaking my heart.

I haven't the ability to do playdates; my mum will when she's back from her holiday (and so has time) but that's a month away

That's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAges in a child's life.

What can I do? I feel so, so helpless. I refuse to let him go through life with no friends.

DS is shy, he doesn't like rough boys, he doesn't like and can't play football.

He wants to play imaginative games; Power Rangers (although he does this to "fit in" and would prefer to be a horse or somesuch) and still can't find anyone to join in

School have a buddy-stop where you go if you've got no-one to play with but I'm not convinced it actually works well.

Help. Please.

He's just started at Beavers but no kids go from his class (am amazed at that) - anyway, he doesn't mix well with them either due to his problems with noise levels and rough play.

Argh.

ScummyMummy Wed 17-Sep-08 00:00:58

What do you mean you don't have the ability to do playdates? I don't understand. No time?

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Sep-08 00:06:03

Oh Lewis, I feel for you, and for your lovely boy.

To be honest, he sounds a lot like DS1, he was never into rough play, he was not like the other boys in his class, he likes imaginary play, and he also had no friends. He had one friend, but that friends mum kicked up a fuss about her son hitting my son so they were prevented from playing with eachother in school.

It is heartbreaking when this is happening, and it makes you feel so sad and so powerless.

I really thought there was something wrong with my boy, questioning if he was unlikeable, if he was "a bad friend" etc. He was so sad.

But, here he has so many friends, and he is so happy. For his sake I am so glad we moved.
I think school in the UK can be quite tough. They start school so young, and they have so many restraints, and it is so formal. Children are not allowed to be children. Here a lot more emphasis is on play and the social aspect. My son has benefitted so much from a different type of school.

I have no advise for you my darling girl, but it is NOT YOUR SONS FAULT. HE IS NOT UNLIKEABLE. He is just different.

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 00:08:04

SM - no, I start uni on monday and am out the house from 7 15am to 6 30pm every day of the working week.

I know he's just "different" Quint; I try to tell him it's not HIS fault but that's hard to understand at nearly 6yrs old!

Got space in that house for 2 more? <weak smile>

twinsetandpearls Wed 17-Sep-08 00:10:41

What about a weekend playdate?

Niecie Wed 17-Sep-08 00:12:54

No advice really - just much sympathy as DS1 isn't much better and I did a similar thread a while ago. He also doesn't like roughness or football

He has a couple of friends but he is very much on the outside of the group and sometimes just doesn't bother to play with them as he feels a bit out of it (they are turning out to be sporty types which DS isn't).

I was going to suggest seeing the teacher so she can keep an eye on him and help him out if she sees an opportunity to encourage a frienship.

What are his interests? Are there any clubs he can join relating to these?

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 00:13:05

It's a very "weekends are family only time" class group unfortunately.

They're all 2 parent families (apart from one mum with a girl) and spend it together - understandably, of course...

I have put feelers out for weekend meet ups but they've always been shot down

ScummyMummy Wed 17-Sep-08 00:13:41

How about a Saturday or Sunday? I guess you're knackered but I reckon kids like your son need 1-1 play dates. Some kids need em more than others. He's in charge at home so can play horses to his hearts content. If a kid comes round and they get on well it will spill over into school 9 times out of 10 at that age. The whole playground could be horses before you know it!

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Sep-08 00:13:54

a weekend playdate will make you very popular. Especially if you can take a boy with you and ds to an interesting museum (free of course) such as the Royal Airforce one just north of London, or just the playground for a bit.

Dont seek out "the most popular" boys, but try aim for one that ds talks about. Just try quizz him a little about which boys he likes, which he doesnt, and if he has played with anybody in school.

Oh, and as for starting UNI, what course?

ANytime, lewis, anytime. smile though I have no roof yet.

ScummyMummy Wed 17-Sep-08 00:15:24

Oops. Cross posts. I'd carry on pushing- explain that you can only do w/ends. Lots of parents would probably welcome a couple of hours off...

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Sep-08 00:16:15

OH. sorry, not much use then.

But there will always be occasions where even parents would like some time just to themselves, or a trip to IKEA.

Are there any mums you feel comfortable enough with that you can tell her about your worries regards ds and his lack of friends, and just say something like "Anytime you fancy going to Ikea, or just spending some time with your partner, on the weekend, just let me know, and I will borrow X to play with DS for a few hours"

TrotSlursky Wed 17-Sep-08 00:21:48

Oh Lewis your poor boy sad

sigh, it is harder the bigger they are sometimes I think. You can't just give it a kiss and make it better.

Right, well enough of that. There must be other good things to do. smile

What about in school clubs?

Sports maybe not. But drama? Orchastra? science? modelling??? anything available as a lunchtime club?

Also, is he into anything popular atm? lke thoes erm thingys errrr marbles? hula hoops? conkers? errrr err ahhhh crazy bones?

He doesn't need to be popular he just needs a good mate who he can hang with.

mamazee Wed 17-Sep-08 00:44:08

your son sounds like a sweetie
what about fencing ? chess? martial arts ?
what about ds ? does he play those kind of games ?
am sure that there are loads of mums that are in exactly the same position as you..you just gotta find them

mamazee Wed 17-Sep-08 00:44:41

i meant nintendo ds wink

mamazee Wed 17-Sep-08 00:45:56

what about him hanging out with a girl..may be more comfortable.

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 01:05:38

sorry guys got caught up on another forum shock

Girls are a possibility; he's a bit "eugh, girls" at the moment though grin

He's started Beavers - I can't afford to send him to MA or anything else

School don't have ANY clubs; can you believe that! (well, not until Year 3 or 4 anyway)

My mum is going to have playdates for him every other week or so to try and help - but as I said, that's not til middle of October at the earliest.

I think I'll have to chat to his teacher... at least she's nice this year!

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 01:06:31

sorry, forgot Quint's question - am starting teacher training <gulp>

TrotSlursky Wed 17-Sep-08 01:08:23

There are other forums?

Can I have a link? I think I can multitask.

Teaching eh? I did that! good luck, sure you'll do great.

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 01:13:37

Trot, it was a fish-keeping forum grin

TrotSlursky Wed 17-Sep-08 01:16:14

Damn Lewis, I don't have fish. I have frogs, Would that help do you think?

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 09:24:32

Lol Trot, some people keep frogs and all sorts in there too!

Update though; have an appointment to speak to teacher tomorrow

DS had begun to wet his bed last term; he's never done that since he was 3.5 so I knew it wasn't just normal wetting like some kids...

Anyway, he didn't wet over the entire holidays and has started again (one week into the term) so I'm making the arbitary (SP!) link that it's related to school

I will raise this with her and ask how we can help him IN school because the issues outside are being dealt with.

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Sep-08 10:47:59

Teacher training, well done Lewis. Go Go GO!!!

smile

ingles2 Wed 17-Sep-08 10:57:53

Lewisfan I really feel for you.... sad it's totally heartbreaking when they are aware they don't belong to a group.
Just a suggestion (but a major one I know...) do you think he's at the right school? Is it a reasonable size? Are there plenty of boys in his class?
My ds2 was at a tiny school and didn't make any friends... there were only a handful of boys in his class and again not being into football/power rangers etc meant he spent most playtimes alone.
He's moved into a bigger school now and yesterday came home thrilled and said he was part of .x's star wars gang
smile tis a gang of 2 but it's a start... grin

pudding25 Wed 17-Sep-08 10:59:01

Poor you. Would it be possible for him to go to someone else's during the week to play? Definitely speak to the teacher. At my school, we keep an eye on the kids in the playground and try and get any on their own to play with someone.
Good luck with the teacher training. Is it PGCE. I did it 5 yrs ago - just be prepared for a lot of work! (You could even ask your tutors for some tips to help him, they are meant to be the experts).

marmadukescarlet Wed 17-Sep-08 11:04:09

My DD was the same, still spends much of her time drifting from group to group to be told 'you can't play with us' She is a bit 'different' also.

She once said, "Perhaps mummy, I'm just the type of girl who doesn't have any friends." she was in the bath and I had to hide my head in the airing cupboard and pretend I was getting a towel, whilst I pulled myself together.

She is in Yr 4 now, things are better, but not great.

I would say the wetting is linked, good luck. IMHO 'buddystops' do not work, but mentoring buddying schemes do.

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