Am I making it a bigger ‘thing’ than needed?

[SensorySister]

I’ll try to condense, forgive me if I don’t manage it!

Youngest started school in September, was really excited as his older brother is in the Sen unit at said school which had been positive to that point.

There was some teething issues with youngest settling in, he’s quiet and reserved and was being pushed over and not telling anyone. Food items were being taken from his lunch box and he was being called some petty names. I kept it logged with the teacher and we started working with my youngest to try encourage him to approach staff. The teacher tried to keep telling me that some are ‘boisterous’ and it will settle.

Most incidents settled but a name kept being mentioned by my youngest. Said child took his hat and threw it in a puddle, now youngest now refuses to wear a hat into school. A few pushing incidents and son being called ‘stupid’ to the point where he’s asking if his is stupid. Yesterday my son came out really upset, said this boy had punched and pushed him. I asked if he told any staff members and he replied he was scared.

I went to see youngests teacher today and she made me feel like I’m making a big deal of it all. She stressed to youngest that he must tell someone, which I supported. She went on to keep repeating that the boy isn’t naughty, which threw me a bit as I never once suggested that. I just want youngest to be supported in having that confidence to approach staff. She concluded that the other boy ‘just likes to push the lines.’ She made me feel like I’m making a big thing out of it, where I’m just trying to help be a voice that youngest doesn’t have at the moment.

Have I approached this wrong? Am I making it a bigger thing? I’ve been really tearful since coming home, I’m not sure what to do to support youngest.

[Trampire]

No you're not over-reacting. The teacher is minimising.

Yes, they're both very young children but these things need to be watched/acted on promptly and carefully.

How confusing for your dd that she kept saying the other boy wasn't being naughty. He was absolutely displaying naughty behaviour imo.

[Trampire]

Sorry your ds not dd.

[BubblesBuddy]

I think it’s the teacher making excuses for not tackling the behaviour the other child is exhibiting. Boisterous can be very annoying if the recipient is unhappy about it. The teacher should understand this. Of course, the school might be doing something about it but just not telling you!

However, as time goes by, your DS will start to make friends and there is safety in numbers. Other children start to tell school staff when other children are too “boisterous”. Can you be proactive and invite children round to play and try and engineer some allies? I know this sounds a bit over the top, but many children will happily defend a child by helping them tell an adult but if he doesn’t have friends, this obviously is more difficult. Also ask about play time supervision. A child can be protected to a certain extent by midday supervisors if they are asked to look out for him.

I do hope this doesn’t continue. Also, can he not have a coat with a hood? Might get over that problem? Although I agree you shouldn’t have to do this, it might make him feel happier.

[Ahardma88]

Yanbu, seeing as you've got no where with the teacher I would go to head teacher now and explain what has been going on, e.g. meetings with teacher and the behaviour too. In the meantime I would try to foster other relationships like bubbles suggested. At the end of the day the school has a duty of care which they are not fulfilling.

[BottleOfJameson]

YANBU.I think she's being a bit dismissive. It may well be that this other boy isn't a bad kid (he's only tiny), he may be just immature, or have some behavioural issue. Your DS may have misunderstood. But the fact is that it is all upsetting DS and undermining his confidence so it should be treated seriously. DS should be supported if he doesn't feel able to approach members of staff.

[Smith888]

I would definitely go straight to the HT. Some kids get upset and some fight back. The boisterous kids need to be told how to behave and the quiet one needs to know he is supported. Too often parents are fobbed off and told their gentle kid is too sensitive.
Also, if you have not done so already, try not to label the boisterous kids behaviour, but sympathise with your child and keep it positive/distract. I learnt this from my son's therapist. And keep logging, keep copies of all correspondence, and make sure it's dated and in writing! You can submit your logs weekly or fortnightly.
I'm dealing with similar now, but my DS is tough and can handle it, his friend can't. HT sympathises, but does very little tbh.

[Sleephead1]

no you are not making a big deal at all your son is going to end up not enjoying school at this rate. I would go straight to the head now and I would also be fairly pushy you need to stand up for your little boy and the school gave a duty of care to him.

[Rockbird]

Not overreacting. Your little one is too small to stick up for himself so he needs you to do it. For whatever reason the teacher clearly doesn't want to address this so I would go to the head. I'd hate for my child to face this every day and I'd also want to know if it was my child dishing it out.

[Allusernamestakenbutthis]

You are clearly a considerate and gentle mum, but now is the time to get tough. This is the classic case of teacher initially sympathising and now getting annoyed by a perceived inconvenience. There are some instances where this behaviour does lead to bullying, and your DS needs to feel suppORted. Talk to HT.