Heart breaking- my little girl told me she has no friends

[Nanodust]

My daughter is a lovely, sensitive little girl. She often looks out for others, shares and it has been commented on how gently she is with some of the kids who have autism at school and who need to be around calm children.
We noticed that she seemed to be making friends who are in primary 1 (her siblings year) or in the year or two above hers. We gently suggested she make friends in her own peer group too. She made a friend in her class who moved away last year.
Tonight she burst into tears telling me how much she missed her friend. She said that the other girls in her class are often mean to her and won’t let her join in. She has told me that she plays okay with the boys but the girls. Today she told me one of the girls looked under the loo door and then told everyone about her knickers and they were all laughing at her.
She is 7 and I’m trying to offer advice, but I don’t know what to do. I moved from city to city, school to school growing up so never formed those critical friendships which means I don’t have close friends. I don’t want that for her, it can be very lonely.
Are there things I could do to help her? I’ve tried to be friendly with the parents of some of the kids but they haven’t been very friendly back. I’ve tried a few play dates and their kids come over but they never return the invite to my daughter.
Anyway, does anyone have tips or been through this and can offer advice? Thank you.

[LuluBellaBlue]

Oh I don’t know what to say as have been through very similar with my son but wanted to send hugs

[Nanodust]

Thank you Lulu- appreciate you reaching out.

[Stilllookingfor]

Just a thought but have a think whether the loo episode can slowly become bullying and watch for it. On the other hand it may be just a phase and she needs some time to form a new friendship now that her little friend has left? Sending hugs hugs I am sure you will get through this soon xx

[Fabricanta]

for you and your little girl. Did she start the school from reception or has she just joined? Does she get party invites? Can she perhaps invite one or two girls over for a play date?

[Perfectly1mperfect]

Your daughter sounds lovely. It's very difficult to see your child feeling sad.

Keep talking to her. Tell her how kind she is.

Speak to the school and see what they suggest. There may be other children struggling with similar issues that the teachers can help your daughter be friends with. Definitly mention the girls looking under the toilet door and what happened. That is not acceptable.

Can she do any activities outside of school that would give her friends/a sense of belonging ?

[ChimesOnSundayMorn]

Oh it's heartbreaking to hear isn't it. My dd has been through similar.
School did a few things to encourage friendships and everything changed.

The good thing is that it can improve very quickly. Dd made some good friendships and is happy and settled. Hang in there.

[5000KallaxHoles]

OP you could have my daughter writing that (although she's younger) - again... friends in her sister's year that we're trying to move her away from as they switch schools next year, but not many in her year and only a few of the boys play with her.

It's heartbreaking. I have a meeting with the school next week to discuss her current SN provision and how transition's gone in general and I am going to be bringing up that something needs to be done to nip the social exclusion issue in the bud in terms of friendship group work or whatever because the current setup ain't working.

[Whippedtoafrenzy]

What a lovely relationship you have that she can come to you. Agree, have a quiet word with her teacher. There maybe a buddy system within her peer group.

[Nanodust]

She does get party invites, though they tend to be invites for the whole class. She has been at the school from the start, was at a private nursery before and some of the kids from her nursery are in her class now too. There are a lot of very strong personalities in her class amongst the girls, it has been commented on by teachers in the past. She is an introvert and will often take things kids say seriously, rather than brushing them off.
I’ve told her tonight to pick one of the girls she would like over for a play date and will organise for next week. It’s hard as I work FT and a lot of of the other families have one parent who does not. They tend to only have play dates with other families where one parent doesn’t work. I think that they like to catch up whilst their kids play.
I don’t want her to feel that she needs to be popular or anything just one or two friends so that she didn’t feel so alone. You’re right, hopefully it is just a phase.
I’m trying not to blame myself, maybe as I don’t have friends she hasn’t learnt how to make them. I feel bad that I can’t role model this for her. I should add I get on fine with people, just not go that gang of friends from childhood etc.

[Nanodust]

Thank you for suggesting I speak with her teacher. She actually asked me not to say anything to her teacher. I think she is worried that the more boisterous girls will make her feel worse if the teacher says something. I think a discreet chat would be helpful though.
I am very grateful to everyone for responding so quickly- been sitting with a box of Kleenex feeling sad and helpless- you’re all very kind

[ponderingonthings]

Speak to the teacher discreetly and I would try to befriend a mum or two of girls she would like to play with.

I was approached by a mum who had her child struggling to make friends and the type of child who doesn't easily stand up for themselves so is easy for the other kids to take advantage of... my child is the total opposite, loud and confident and I'm quite certain they are likely to be part of the crew who wasn't being very nice to this child (young and not yet aware fully of impact of actions) she never accused my child but approached me saying hers was really struggling and she didn't know how to help hers... I immediately offered play dates and we've become good friends and her child is now very protected by mine naturally as they've become like siblings almost. I'm sure they still have a hard time sometimes but my child tells me they make sure to include in games and sit by them at lunch etc

Mine quite likes the responsibility of looking out for this child I think (thankfully!)

[Fabricanta]

I definitely agree with telling the teacher. They’ll get a good shock, at that age it’s easier to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud plus they wouldn’t have expected your DD will tell, her being nice and gentle and all. .

I think having a couple of play dates in your home will help to cement thing so bit more so do encourage this.

[ponderingonthings]

I wouldn't really expect the teacher to have a word... more keep an eye and perhaps give some jobs that she does one on one with other children she may become friendlier with given a chance, or strategic placing next to certain children in class and groups etc

At 7 I don't think they really yet understand just how nasty they can be to their peers by excluding them

[Perfectly1mperfect]

I would definitely speak to the teacher as I said earlier. Tell the teacher that your daughter didn't want you to as she is scared what will happen. The teacher will be discreet if you ask her to. Ask the teacher not to mention your daughter specifically in the first instance. The teacher should be able to do a general chat about being kind, maybe say there have been incidents in various years of people looking under toilet doors so that the girls do not realise it's about them and your daughter specifically. The teacher could mention the importance of privacy in the toilets. If it continues after this then the teacher should speak to the individual girls and their parents though. At their age, it will hopefully stop after they are spoken to.

It really is awful when your children go through things like this. Children can be really horrible to each other and it's heartbreaking.

[Rachie1986]

Really feel for you OP. Definitely a chat with the teacher I think. My DD has just started reception and I'm filled with anxiety about making friends and the years to come. Girls can be so mean! Sounds like your daughter is fab and that's a great reflection of you - hope you get it sorted soon x

[Nanodust]

Thank you, yes I don’t think they realise that the way they behave can hurt others. I also think that sometimes it is meant in a jokey way, but I suppose because she is sensitive then she may react more and the reaction is what causes the amusement etc..
I will try to seek out a mum or two, I have tried to do this. One of the mums I spoke to told me, without any prompt that her DD could be a horrible child and she was aware as she was too and that she’d grow out of it. This was in response to another girl in the park in tears because of how her DD behaved. She doesn’t believe in doing much about the behaviour, she’s also in my DDs class with a couple of others who are very similar.
I’ve asked her tonight though who the ones are that she could get on with. Ore if the stronger psonalities were not there, so I will try some play dates again. I just don’t understand when she doesn’t then get the invites reciprocated

[SequinsOnEverything]

I would definitely speak to the school about it, particularly the toilet incident.

My dd had similar though, she got on with the other girls ok, but they always wanted to play with someone else. She often said she had no friends and everyone hated her. We moved her to another school and she is much happier now.

[CaptSkippy]

I think you have been given some good advice already and I would like to add some of my own.

I was very much like your daughter in school and I think it has shaped me. However, I do think that it would also help to teach here to be happy with just her own company. My mom always made a big deal about me not having friends and it made me feel like a freak, whereas never even occured to me before that it was a problem. It was just who I was.

Does she have hobbies outside of school, where none of her classmates go? Clubs and activities where she gets to meet people with similar interest as herself can be a great source for social connections.

The bullying is worrying though. Not sure what to do about that. Perhaps teach her how to laugh about herself. Such as when they make fun of her underwear, teach her to take that stupidity and exaggerate the hell out of it. It takes all the fun out it for them. I find that it really helps not to take yourself so seriously and to be able to make fun of yourself. She might even have fun with ridiculing their stupid remarks.

In either case. to you and your daughter

[cameltoeflappyflapflap]

I would be speaking to the teacher.

She can integrate that into her classroom. Posters on what makes a good friend, speaking to the kids about friendships and their friends, etc.

[rupertpenryswife]

I am going through something similar with my DD although she is 10, I took her into school this morning and she burst into tears, similar story, strong personalities in class where my DD is very quiet and easily upset. I had to speak to the teacher as she was sobbing, the teacher was fantastic she said she will keep an eye on DD and discuss kindness and friendship in circle time, also saying she can engineer the class layout to help.

It is heartbreaking I am working all day tomorrow so can't take my daughter in and I hate this, I have discussed with her, she needs to be strong and I will keep the school informed about what is happening.

Like you I will invite other girls around and see how that works. Let us know how your DD gets on perhaps we can swap ideas, from my experience with girls it goes through phases where it improves and then not so great again.

[Nanodust]

I hope it is just a phase. I’m sure that I am over thinking it because of the experiences I had. A huge portion of guilt too, I don’t want her to be as unhappy as I was. I also really want her to enjoy childhood so
She is perhaps a little more innocent than some others in the class. We still read fairy tales and paint and watch nature programmes. I understand that a lot of the girls in her class listen to a lot more pop music (little mix etc), talk about fashion, have phones and get their ears pierced and some mums are trying to get them to have ‘boyfriends’.

I just want her to hang on to the short time that is being a little girl before she needs to worry about all of that stuff. She did ask me if she was ‘fat’ as well recently. She is tiny and I asked her why she thought she was and she told me others had told her she way, then lifted her top and pointed at her non existent tummy. 😞

We’ve started to watch Strictly Come Dancing though so that she is getting chance to join in with th chat etc.

[Nanodust]

Thank you, I will let you know how it all goes and would love to swap stories and tips. I should also add that I have told her many times that I love her just the way she is and she doesn’t need to change. Also suggested taking a book in to school to read if it all gets too much and that time out is okay. I just don’t want her to feel like a loner ( I’m sure that is my projection though)
💐for you and your daughter Rupert

[TheFaerieQueene]

I would tell the teacher about looking under the loo door. That is not appropriate behaviour.

She sounds like a lovely girl. I hope she is happier at school soon.

[bellinisurge]

All this BFF crap and boyfriends at that age is bollocks. So hard if you haven't found your tribe at primary school. She will find her tribe - doesn't have to be at school- and she is lucky to have a mum to snuggle up to.

[ponderingonthings]

My child's school has an excellent policy of nobody having "best friends" singled out... "we are all best friends" I think is how they say it.

It's so minor but seems to make such a difference- they're not in trouble for having best friends they just have to include everyone in that particular phrase of speech so they couldn't say for example "Katie is my best friend, not you" and get away with it

They could say "Katie is my best friend" and a teacher might say "how lovely, here we are ALL best friends"