Is your school good at helping quiet children to thrive? And if so can you please tell me how?
My dd goes to an excellent state primary. Luckily very bad behaviour isn’t really an issue so I am aware that we are very fortunate. However, the school’s Headteacher is extrovert who I don’t think understands what life is like for quieter children and for those who are introverted. My dd is a quiet child who would dearly like to be more involved in playing with others but she is very shy. She says she is frequently alone in the playground but this doesn’t seem to get picked up by the playground supervisors. She will also often not have anyone to sit next to at lunch. There are other low grade examples as well such as children pushing in front of her in the queue, moving her bag from her seat when she leaves her place so she has to sit somewhere else. I have raised these issues many times but nothing seems to get done. I’ve even been told by her class teacher “You can’t force children to play with others if they don’t want to”. My dd has been to a workshop at the anti-bullying workshop Kidscape which was excellent and Kidscape does offer training to schools but I know there’s no budget for this. These were some great resources we received after the workshop:
The Kidscape toolbox
- Assertive body language and eye contact: Understanding the importance of non-verbal communication is vital to help participants become more assertive and able to confidently address bullying situations. Participants are encouraged to look at their own body language including eye contact and are supported to make changes to become more assertive.
- The voice: Participants explore how they can develop a strong, calm and confident voice that can be heard by others, thinking about breathing as well as volume, tone and pace of speech.
- Saying “No”: “No” is a clear response to demands from a bully, making it clear they are not any easy target. Participants are encouraged to practise saying “No” like they really mean it - clear and strong - backed up by assertive body language and eye contact.
- Fogging: Fogging is a tool to that allows a person to feel safe, calm and in control in response to insults. Participants are encouraged to imagine they are surrounded by a fog or shield which swallows up the insults before they can touch them. This protective shield allows participants to make a neutral comment to help move the situation into a safer place.
- Broken record: This strategy allows a person to repeat a simple statement to someone who is challenging them with the aim of getting them to move on.
- Stop: This tool keeps young people safe on line. Participants are encouraged not to respond to bullying texts, emails or comments, unless it is to say or type ‘Stop’, and to remember their fog. They discuss how to report bullying, block the bully and keep profiles set to private. Tips for apps games and other media can be found at //www.net-aware.org.uk
Practice
Practising is crucial. These methods may not work instantly, but with regular use, they will make a huge difference. ZAP participants are encouraged to practice with their parents/carers. They might also want to do some of the following exercises with a trusted friend:
Role play typical bullying scenarios, where you play the part of the bully. Discuss what the bully does or says. Prepare an action plan together, encouraging your child to reflect on the responses they feel most comfortable using, and then practice together. Give them time to focus, assess their own body language and take a deep breath, before launching into the role play. Check their response is accompanied by assertive body language, eye contact and voice. Try to encourage responses that are simple – the aim is to get the bully to move on, so avoid phrases that invite further interaction. They might want to role play additional replies to comebacks they get from the bully. Review how well the responses worked in real bullying situations, plan and practice again! You may also find it helpful to switch roles, so they can experience the assertive reaction.
Body language: Young people can use a full-length mirror to practice themselves, or they might be prepared to model their assertive body language for you. Alternatively, you could model passive body language and ask your child to make suggestions as to how to make it more assertive!
Eye contact: Look at one another in the eyes in a relaxed, non-aggressive way and have a competition to see who looks away first, or practice in everyday conversation. If eye-contact is difficult, they can look at the bridge of your nose instead.
I think there are two elements at play here. The first is upskilling quieter children to speak up – “Stop, you’re being rude” “Yes you are”. The second is encouraging other children to be positive bystanders who will hear children being picked on and either say “Stop” or if that is too much for them at least they should tell a teacher.
I know it’s a tricky area as teachers have so much on their plate already but I just wondered what one can reasonably expect a school and its teachers to do to help quieter children? It’s even difficult for the teacher to know that there is a problem as the quiet child is so … quiet and reluctant to speak up.
Does your school make sure that quieter children are given positions of responsibility in the school or is it always the louder children who are chosen, sometimes because the schools wants to incentivise them to behave better, so children who have been picked on by these children have to watch them picking up a class trophy at every assembly? Can you give examples from your school of initiatives which work? Buddy benches? Peer mentoring – maybe too much for primary school children? There is so much advice around www.sitwithus.io/#!/Home www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/how-to-help-girls-cope-wi_b_6456546.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003 I’m just wondering what can be usefully extracted and applied in a primary school setting?
Many thanks for reading. I look forward to reading positive examples of good practice in other schools