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(15 Posts)
Duey12 Tue 05-Dec-17 10:25:06

Hi everyone, could I please have your advice?
My DS has been bullied by the same boy for the past 5 years. I hasn't been constant and each time an incident has happened I and my DS has verbally informed the school. The bully in question has on a couple of occasions tried to strangle my DS.
Yesterday my DS came out of school and told me this child had again tried to strangle him by placing his hands around his throat. My DS didn't report it as he's scared of the bully and after previous times of reporting he believes the school does nothing to stop this. I've told him to protect himself anyway he can even if this means pushing or hurting the bully. But my DS is so kindhearted and rule abiding that I don't think he will.
I telephoned the head and explained what my DS is feeling and that this child continues to bully and strangle my DS so I had informed my DS to protect himself. Not to start trouble but to protect himself and she just said that my DS would get into trouble that my DS needed to find his voice and grow up.
What do I do, I know the school procedures for complaining but how can I stop this 11 year old bully from strangling my DS in the short term, can I keep my DS off school if he doesn't feel safe?

PeapodBurgundy Tue 05-Dec-17 11:28:00

Could you perhapscontact the chair of govoners if you aren't getting anywhere with the head? Is moving school an option for you? Hope your DS is okay now.

RestingGrinchFace Tue 05-Dec-17 11:34:00

You need to inform the school that given that they are well aware of the situation the next tine your son is assaulted under their care you will sue them.

MaisyPops Tue 05-Dec-17 11:35:33

Firstly, I'm so sorry this is happening to you ajd your child.

The head is right though. If your child is violent in return, then they'll end up in trouble as well.

However, the school are failing in their duty of care to your child.

Schools should have a log of bullying. One of thr best school leaders I know said never believe a school who claims there's no bullying. There will always be bullying between children and teens. What matters is what the school does about it.

Ask to see the bullying logs for your child. All schools should have them. Then write up a summary of your concerns to the head and cc in the school of governors 'for reference'. Explain that you would like to request a meeting to discuss this ongoing situation which leaves you concerned about the welfare of your child.

You have every right to raise this and see a satisfactory resolution.

In terms of keeping him off, I'm not sure. You could request that the bully is specifically nowhere near your child at break/lunch/in class and within eye contact of staff at all times. When we've had nasty bullies like that we have removed all free socialising time and they get breaks/lunch but are kept out of circulation with other children until senior leaders have spoken to the bully's parents, victims parents and we've got a solution

If they won't do soemthing like that then keep him off but ask if the teacher could email you the topics studied/let you pick the worksheets up so he isn't behind. Keep written copies of all of this.

I hope it works out OP.

Duey12 Tue 05-Dec-17 12:22:13

thanks for all the advice. I'm going to email the school now and ask for the bullying log for my DS and then if nothing happens, I'll write to the governors.
My DS went into school afraid and tearful this morning so it's not something I'm going to either drop or allow to be brushed over.

Duey12 Tue 05-Dec-17 16:14:31

So just picked up DS, the head or any other member of staff has not spoken to my DS about the incident that happened yesterday. I requested a copy of my DS's bullying log and was advised that it was against the schools policy to divulge this information to me but the head has said if I still feel strongly about this incident to complain formally. Which is what I'm now doing.
My DS hasn't felt safe today in school and it looks like the school is favouring the bully in this instance and are hoping I forget about it.

MaisyPops Tue 05-Dec-17 16:44:55

What an awful update.
The can show you the bullying log about your child. We get ours out when we have parental meetings.

This bully is going to be in for a big shock if he ends up at a secondary like ours. Yesterday's incident alone would probably have seen him excluded and parents in for a meeting.

The head has said you are welcome to complain formally, so do.

But saying that who knows, this might be one of those situations where school are all too aware of bully child but their hands are tied by a parent so some extra complaints might help.
E.g. - I've taken out identifying info.
I taught a pupil who assaulted staff and students. Every time mum came in to defend her baby citing anger issues and was trying to make cases that we were victimising her child (obviously it had nothing to do with him attacking other pupils. Those pupils should have known not to look at him that way. The other kids just press his buttons. Staff press his buttons. We should have let him stand over another student and be verbally abusive because it's just hsi way of talking Etc hmm).
A few years after he left school he was in the local papers being locked up for violently attacking someone on a night out. Can't say I was terribly surprised that excusing a violent teen leads to violent adults. The senior leadership were trying all sorts but it was a horrible and manipulative situation at the time.

MammothMountain Tue 05-Dec-17 16:47:45

Does the school have a bullying policy? It should be available on their website or a paper copy is in the school office.

It should say exactly what the school's responsibilities are and what steps should be taken.

Everything you do should be in writing, even if it is a verbal meeting follow it up with an email or letter - hand delivered in, so that there is a paper trail.

Keep a diary of the events so you can refer back to it.

The key word is safeguarding. The school have a duty to safeguard your child and are failing.

I wouldn't go down the complaint route yet, but start with the class teacher (there is a system in our school that you start there, then phase leader, then deputy head, then head but it never goes further than phase leader as it is sorted by then.)

Ask what measures they are putting in place to safeguard your child from this other child.

MammothMountain Tue 05-Dec-17 16:49:21

Slow typing, Maisy's post is excellent.

MaisyPops Tue 05-Dec-17 16:52:13

I wouldn't go down the complaint route yet, but start with the class teacher (there is a system in our school that you start there, then phase leader, then deputy head, then head but it never goes further than phase leader as it is sorted by then.)
Normally I'm 100% with you on this. I hate it when people jump straight to 'I want to complain to the head'.
However, in this case I think it's the only way. The head (for whatever reason) seems reluctant to deal with it.
The class teacher is almost powerless if the head is setting the agenda of 'no issue'.

If it is the head being useless at dealing with it then that really disappoints me.
It's why a part of me wonders if the complaint would make it easier to deal with a little brat terrorising others (we would have loved some parents to complain about our nasty bully but the family had too much of a reputation in yhe area that nobody would).

Duey12 Tue 05-Dec-17 16:57:03

My first port of call was the teacher, I phoned the school as soon as my DS told me about it. However the reception put me straight through to the head who wanted to talk to me. The bully in question is well known in the school for behaviour problems and I feel that as he only has half a year left at the school they don't want to rock the boat etc.
However since my last post I have been onto the website and I've now requested in writing a copy of my DS's school record which legally they can not say no to as per the DFE. so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

margepowermum Sun 17-Dec-17 14:09:04

If your verbal complaints regarding bullying are not working, you need to correspond in writing according to the schools bullying and complaints policy straightaway. Verbal complaints will not hold up if this problem gets any worse. Allowing this behaviour to continue can manifest into psychological issues for your child, so the sooner it is sorted, the better foe everyone.

Duey12 Wed 20-Dec-17 12:39:58

Thank you for all your help. My DS had to attend the doctors as the stress and physical injury got worse. He’s now on the mend physically but still feels stressed.
The school has met with us and has agreed to put measures in place to ensure ds’s Safety. I have now received ds’s school Record but all the verbal communication about bully hasn’t been listed. I have put in writing our disgust about the bullying and the lack of help/support and have copied the chair of governors. I have also stated in this letter that if the bullying continues we would look at all options open to us to stop this.
Hopefully they will tighten their bullying policy and make it better for children being bullied and not favour the bully.
Thank you again for all your advice. I have found it very helpful in dealing with this.

scottishclive Wed 20-Dec-17 14:50:56

Best of luck in getting it sorted.

In my experience some schools do turn a bit of a blind eye for bullying to hope it goes away, which is a pretty poor approach in my eyes.

catkind Fri 22-Dec-17 17:10:00

Sorry you are having this difficulty OP, and glad to read the update that school have finally got a plan in place. Just wanted to say police is also an option if there are any further problems, your DS has been repeatedly assaulted. Strangling is very dangerous. I know the police would usually prefer things to be handled within school, but given you've already tried that, seems worth a try.

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