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Mum at a new school 😢

(26 Posts)
Ukmum1 Fri 01-Dec-17 22:59:15

Not sure if this is the right place to post. I moved to new area before the summer from overseas. Since then I’ve found most of the mums at pickup/drop off are pretty rude. I have tried to talk to them but they are not interested. Most of them know each other since kids started from nursery. I’m finding it hard because I’ve came from a country and school where everyone just welcomes you. I’ve tried to join pta, again I said hi to one of the mums (who is in the pta) in the street and she ignored me. My dh seen it for himself the first time at a school event and he to couldn’t believe how rude they were.

Ojoj1974 Fri 01-Dec-17 23:02:41

Really sad... I'm shocked how some people behave. Come to our school it's v friendly!!
It does however sound like it's going to take time. Is this school in a small town or village rather than London?

iggleypiggly Fri 01-Dec-17 23:11:08

That’s shocking. Have you tried inviting some children for a play? Get to know the parents that way with a coffee when they pick them up? It’s awful how some people behave. You don’t need these unkind people. You will find some nice ones but it may take time flowers

SomewhatIdiosyncratic Fri 01-Dec-17 23:36:39

It is hard. DS went to private nursery and I worked through his first year, so I was new on the playground in his second year when friendships were well established. I'm not claiming any lifelong friends, but I can get conversation here and there most days.

People do mix around and there's a significant number who's playground days vary due to work. It may be harder if it is exactly the same people each day.

DS has befriended other children that didn't go to the school nursery either as the nursery cohort was quite tight knit, so we don't tend to do play dates as his friends are in wrap around care. Play dates could be a way to open up a relationship.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sat 02-Dec-17 14:02:57

You say 'most' are rude. I'd start with the others personally and leave the rude ones to it. I wouldn't rely on the playground for actually making friends though, join some groups that interest you instead, the people are more likely to have stuff in common with you.

sallythesheep73 Sat 02-Dec-17 20:55:35

I thought when my children started school we would meet all the other parents. Initially I found the other parents pretty frosty and unfriendly. We have now made friends with a couple of other families but it took THREE years!!! I cant believe it! So I would say manage your expectations (!) and prepare yourself that it may take longer than you thought! Good luck (I also joined the PTA!)

irvineoneohone Sat 02-Dec-17 21:21:52

I've read somewhere long ago that English people are naturally reserved, they need introduction to get talking in the unfamiliar situation.
Once they get to know you, they are nice in general, ime.
If you'd like to join PTA, it maybe good idea to talk to chair person and show your interest.

DullAndOld Sat 02-Dec-17 21:30:42

Talk to the women in the playground that nobody else is talking to.
IN our playground there were always a few women, 'outsiders' that most of the other mums were bloody rude to.
IME pta women are rude and cliquey, I really wouldnt bother with them.

OneOfTheGrundys Sat 02-Dec-17 21:36:01

Like others, I found the best way was to ask the kids your dc play with to tea. Go to everything school wise you can too. You’ll get there in the end-if you want to that is!

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered Sat 02-Dec-17 21:42:56

IME pta women are rude and cliquey, I really wouldnt bother with them

The opposite is true in our school. We are all super welcoming and friendly. Everyone welcome. Everyone valued. It really depends from school to school. Our headteacher wouldnt put up with cliques either.

OP I'm so sorry you aren't being made to feel welcome. Keep talking. Ask questions. People like to feel useful or valued. Eg Hi can you recommend a good place get hair, nails , MOT done, butchers etc.

Originalfoogirl Sun 03-Dec-17 01:04:56

I'll be honest, if I was dropping off and a random person I don't know came up and started chatting to me I probably wouldn't come across as friendly, mainly because I'd either be wondering if I knew them or wondering why the hell they were talking to me. I might even wonder if they were a bit needy. Unless it's to talk about something our children have been involved in together, I'd be confused.

All of this is my problem, but just wanted to give the potential view from the other side.

Not sure what "tried" to join the PTA means. Surely you either join or you don't. Our PTA is crying out for members, as most seem to be, so I'd be surprised if they turn you down.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 03-Dec-17 06:32:51

I'm always confused about people 'joining the PTA' as all parents are automatically members....

MiaowTheCat Sun 03-Dec-17 07:36:54

Our PTA have been lovely to us - and we came into the school where friendships among parents are well established from nursery onwards - in the middle of the school. Yep there's a bit of an element that they've known each other for years to break down but they all took the time to say hello when they saw a new face on the yard.

Sometimes you just get a shit school gate crowd though - after DD1's cohort left their preschool the group of mums there that joined while DD2 was there were bloody awful toward anyone they didn't like the look of (translation: didn't have poker straight white blonde hair extensions, more fake tan than the average reality TV star, 4 inch high heels for the school run and a full face of makeup) - they would shove kids out of the line waiting to go in to make sure they got to stand with their clones and elbow parents out of the way to stand together. Wasn't just me that noticed it - a childminder friend I had who did the odd drop off there had noticed it was a really really shit vibe that year as well.

irvineoneohone Sun 03-Dec-17 07:39:18

I'm sure OP means active member of pta, who do all the hard work organising everything, which most of parents aren't.
I am sure they will appreciate you, OP.

irvineoneohone Sun 03-Dec-17 07:44:00

MiaowTheCat, how was Distant Worlds? (Sorry OP, for totally irrelevant question!)

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 03-Dec-17 07:57:11

I'm sure OP means active member of pta, who do all the hard work organising everything, which most of parents aren't.

You see I disagree. Most parents help by making cakes etc. Some take on an additional organising role (but are no more members than anyone else), then there is the committee.

I think there is a perception that the PTA is some mega club/ clique. I organise something for ours, but I don't even know who the new chair is tbh. I've had a brief conversation with the Treasurer because I needed to know what to do with money but that's it. There really isn't anything to 'join' and the committee members understandably get confused when people ask this/ expect some massive welcome into their friendship group when they are approached on the playground. Particularly as they probably work/ are as busy as the next person/ rushing off somewhere. The point of the PTA is to make things better at the school for the children, not to be a social club for lonely parents. I'm probably seen as 'on the PTA' confused

To get involved 'more closely' with the PTA committee:
- Go to meetings
- Offer to do stuff that they need help with at the meeting
And please do it they need reliable support of people who are willing to take on a bit of responsibility. And you may meet people you get on with, or not. But that shouldn't be the sole reason for getting involved.

irvineoneohone Sun 03-Dec-17 08:07:19

If you go to the meeting, you are sure to know who the chair person/main committee is, they are the ones organising cake sales, fairs, etc. They are different from regular PTA helpers, at my school. I do help at most of events, but I am not on the committee members, and no one sees me as on the PTA.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 03-Dec-17 08:10:14

Well quite but I don't go to the meetings..... As many people who help organise stuff don't.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 03-Dec-17 08:12:16

And the committee members change from year to year so who was on the committee when I started the job I have isn't anymore. I actually was on the committee at one point so understand how it all works!

irvineoneohone Sun 03-Dec-17 08:29:28

Well, don't you see this convo as futile? I have different view from you, and you have different view from me. Every school is different.
I was only commenting from my pov, so I am happy to admit other school works different way.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sun 03-Dec-17 09:03:19

Well we are in agreement about what the OP needs to do to get involved which for her is the important thing - find out when the meetings are and go.

MiaowTheCat Sun 03-Dec-17 11:48:17

irvineoneohone it was superb as ever - bit too much of FF7 in the list this time for my personal liking but the hype train for the remake is in full throttle so understandable.

Our PTA have the committee (which I seem to have ended up on by virtue of going to meetings - they put the first one on the end of the parent helpers induction you have to do if you want to volunteer in school and I kind of drifted along and kept going) and then a more general PTA facebook page where shouts for help go out and rotas go up for people to sign up to do a stint at an event - basically you do as much as you want to really. Just means I know a few faces on the playground to exchange the customary greeting of "mornin'... you allright" as we walk past on a morning. Not cliquey at all really though - I'm new to the school, hung around for the AGM and was welcomed pretty happily (and I have crippling social anxiety as a general rule too).

Harder for me to get into chatting to people as I'm running between two classroom doors trying to play the guessing game of which one's going to open first on a morning!

InionEile Tue 05-Dec-17 02:20:01

When you are coming from overseas and don't know anyone, you just have to get a thick skin and make a bigger effort. It is hard and exhausting sometimes! No-one knows you and no-one is necessarily going to go out of their way to get to know you. That said, having people deliberately blank you is a little off.

I live abroad and have a good set of friends at my son's current school now but it took a lot of effort and time to build up these friendships and even then, one close friend just moved their son to a private school so friends can come and go.

One approach that I found helpful was to join extracurricular activities so that your child has a chance to meet kids outside of school for sports, music or Scouts etc. It also depends on your child's personality. Some kids are super-extrovert and will set up their own playdates and be friendly. With other kids, you have to do the running as the parent. MY son is more introverted so I have to force myself to be more extrovert for his sake even though it's not really my personality type.

user1475317873 Tue 05-Dec-17 07:44:57

It takes time to meet people. It doesn't happen straight away. Just take it easy and invite friends for playdates and keep participating in the PTA activities but don't show yourself too needy

Is this Loondon or a small village?

MiaowTheCat Tue 05-Dec-17 08:01:59

Yeah if you find the extracurricular stuff the school kids tend to congregate to it gives you another route in for people to chat to you about - I was looking around the school we moved to and it turned out I already knew parent helpers there via the kids' dance school.

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