Do you think my son has problem with anger management? Opinion please!

[yrene1209]

Hello
I am writing to ask you ladies' opinion and any idea please.

My son is a 10year old boy, so so sweet and clever but sometime over competetive. He never shouts or misbehaves at home-he sometimes fights with 1year younger sister but I guess it happens every home with siblings.
I was called to the school several times regarding his temper control problem. Once the head teacher called me because my son blamed one of the boy who is in the same football team for losing the game. I know my son gets over competitive when he plays sports I apologised behalf of him and we had a big chat.
A few months later , I was called again because while the boys were playing cricket one boy got upset and threw a ball at my son and he punched the boy. So we apologised and I was recommended a therapist for my son.
However, I wasn't sure if it is the level that he needs to see a specialist. Some of my friends say those things happen between boys. Of course I don't agree with any physical/emotional abuse but aren't the boys still do stuffs while growing? Does it never happen with ordinary boys?
Today I was told that my son missed his football tournament chance because he argued with a boy with the football and my son headlocked the boys and hurted him. My son said it was because it was his class's turn to play football and that boy kept interupting the game with taking the ball and saying my son didnt play it well. I told him with any reason, it's upaccpetable.
But I still think when there are two boys involved the fight, isn't it fair for both of them lose the chance?
Am I too much being on my son's side?
The head teacher says when my son is upset, he is really upset and can't control his temper. He doesn't shout but he finds it difficult to explain why he is upset when he is angry. Does that mean he has a problem with temper management?
My son said kids tease him saying he can't manage his temper and it makes him so unhappy. It was so heartbreaking that he looks himself as a troubled boy and others even tease with it.
Do you have any similar stories? Can you spot out any problem I don't see? Any advice or opinion?? Anything would help. Thanks.

[Orangealien]

Your son loses his temper more easily than others. Other kids know this and tease him and wind him up, hoping for an outburst. Or something goes wrong and he has an outburst. Whichever happens you should probably get some help for him to manage this before he goes to secondary school.

[Crumbs1]

Lots of prepubescent testosterone flying by sound of it. He needs to know he can’t attack others and must learn to grit his teeth and walk away. You need to practice scenarios at home. Work out strategies with him and make sure there are appropriate sanctions in place if he has thumped someone. Maybe speak to his teacher about having a calm down space for him at school- somewhere he can go as soon as he starts getting angry.

[justasking123]

I think it's pretty obvious that something isn't right with your son's behaviour. Even though you apologise and speak with your son about it, I don't think you are seeing this as problem and think it's a "boys thing".
We don't always win and we don't always get our way, that is no excuse for your son's behaviour. He may be teased by the other kids and that's something you need to speak to the school about, but your son is the one acting like a bully. He is 10 years old, you need to sort it out or he is going to be in even more trouble in high school.

[PatriciaHolm]

Most 10 year olds don’t routinely react to frustrating situations with violence on the level of punching, or putting other boys into headlocks. Certainly that’s not the norm amongst my sons classes - (he’s 11 and now in Yr7).

It sounds like you are minimising a bit; he does sound as if he needs some support in dealing with his anger, before he gets to secondary and ends up in a much bigger world of trouble.

[ladyvimes]

It is not normal for a ten year old boy to react with such physical aggression. Punching a child and putting another in a headlock is very worrying behaviour.
I would absolutely recommend some sort of behaviour counselling.
I would expect that if this behaviour continues you’ll be looking at exclusion.

[yrene1209]

Thanks, everyone. I know it's unacceptable behaviours. I mean if it is really serious that I need to see a specialist. Of course, he mustn't hurt others. what I mean is teasing and winding him up is also emotional hurting, especially for him who finds it difficult to handle.
Hearing from you ladies, I realized that most boys don't take action themselves when they're upset and avoid the situation. I will consider to contact the specialist.

[Ausparent]

FWIE, If you have been offered a therapist I would take it. The better you can understand what is behind his behaviour the more you can help him.

Our son sees a play therapist because he suffers from anxiety which manifested mainly through anger, primarily towards himself. There were no significant issues at school but they recommended talking to a therapist.

It was clear to him that our son has no clinical diagnosis but a gap between his intellectual and emotional maturity makes it hard for him to navigate relationships with other kids.

After just a few sessions his therapist a was able to give us a far better understanding of how our son views the world and what his triggers are. He has given us ideas and techniques for how to better handle his anxiety.

I can't begin to describe the improvement. We are able to be firm with him but he is able to express himself and when he feels that he is losing control we can help him regain it.

Therapy shouldn't be a last resort or have any stigma attached to it. It is a tool you can use to help you and your son work together through these issues.

If your son is missing out on experiences and opportunities, this issue is having an impact on his life so maybe it is worth exploring?

[LIZS]

Sounds like you need to take on board the school's experience that his behaviour goes beyond normal competitiveness. Does he otherwise struggle with impulse control?

[yrene1209]

The thing is the school suggests me to contact the specialist myseld. I've been to go with my son but they said the deal with mental disease only. As mentioned I have a year younger daughter so can't travel far.
Does anyone know how to get professional help in this case?

[BakedBeans47]

His behaviour doesn’t sound quite right sorry. My son is 11 and while I am under no illusion that he is angel is never physically violent to anyone. I don’t think that a 10 year old fighting with a 1 year old sibling is right either. I know siblings fight but his sister is just a baby and he should know at that age he shouldn’t be fighting with her.

[MaisyPops]

Most 10 year olds don’t routinely react to frustrating situations with violence on the level of punching, or putting other boys into headlocks
This.

He clearly needs some additional support or consistent sanctions for poor behaviour, or both.

(I'm leaving it open ended because I have worked with students who have needed extra help as well as studebts who just needed a bollocking and firm sanctions each time they lashed out until they got the message they can't throw their weight around to get their own way/because they dislike a situation).

If the school are recommending supoort then take it ajd work with them. You sound lovely OP. With you and the school in partnershio you'll get there

[BakedBeans47]

Sorry just reread I thought the sister was 1 year old not one year younger.

Can school make a referral to CAMHS? Otherwise via your GP?

Am sure with a bit of help it will all be ironed out

[yrene1209]

Mytyped. I've been to GP.

[LIZS]

Are you in UK? If so your gp could refer you or you may be able to self refer to CAHMS.

[2014newme]

Yes the school is right, punching someone is not acceptable.

[Ausparent]

I should probably point out that I live outside of the UK where our health service provides free access to these services for kids without waiting lists.

Because NHS resources are always stretched, resources tend to only be available for the most serious cases so there isn't a culture of using therapy as a complimentary tool and it is only used as a last resort.

If you can find a local play therapist or speak to the school about an educational psychologist they may be able to help. You don't necessarily need months of therapy and an assessment with some insights may be enough to help.

Even if the recommended therapist only deals with clinical mental health issues, they should be able to assess him.

[yrene1209]

I've never heard about CAHMS from either school or go. I'll contact them. Thanks!

[onewhitewhisker]

I think it's significant that your son says that he doesn't understand why he gets upset and that it upsets him when others say he can't manage his temper. It sounds like he himself doesn't feel in control and that bothers him. A standard therapeutic approach would be to help him to recognise and name his emotions and the associated reactions in his body, help him realise that the emotion is OK but aggressive responses to it are not, and help him to feel more in control of his reactions, identify when he is building towards boiling point, develop strategies etc. It could be hugely helpful.

[Apple23]

What you have been doing so far hasn't worked, as the behaviour is escalating, so you would be well advised to follow the school's advice.

Is he bullying his sister? She deserves better if he is. Even if it's "just" siblings fighting, remember that (if he's not already), he will be significantly taller and stronger than her soon and he doesn't seem very aware of how much he can hurt someone else physically.

Also have a think about the models of behaviour he is seeing and hearing in real-life and on-screen, including in the sports he is watching.

[youarenotkiddingme]

My ds is 13. He has anger issues related to the fact he has ASD.

He also gets caught in this cycle.

I remind him it's NEVER ok to react physically. But he always asks why the other child can throw something at him and get away with it.

So we have an agreement. Of a child does something like throw a ball at him then ds doesn't react - he tells an adult and then tells me.
He then has the reassurance from me that I will be emailing school to make it clear I expect them to follow what they did with ds (so they ring the parents etc).

Interestingly since that's happened and they don't get the reaction from ds (he has had support from Camhs alongside this and the school Elsa) they've stopped doing so much to get the reaction.

My advice is to first focus on ds behaviour. Get him to see he needs to get under their radar and that once he's off it he can direct the attention towards those who start these altercations.

[TootOrBoot]

You need to find a way to make this work. If he can't manage his emotions and anger responses, he will end up seriously hurting someone as an adult and facing serious charges (assault, manslaughter, GBH). Men who are violent today were kids who couldn't handle their tempers. You have time now to get professional support on this. Take your daughter with you, bung her in the corner with an ipad. There are ways - stop making excuses.

[Ohyesiam]

He is making himself and other kids unhappy, so I don't quite get why you wouldn't want him to get help.
These things are often complex, and there so much more to it than " being badly behaved ", but with therapy/ anger management his life would really improve.

[yrene1209]

Thank you for all the reply. My son doesn't hurt his sister. He teases her and sometimes upsets her but doesn't physically hurt her. Maybe because he doesn't behave as bad as he does at school I didn't recognize it's seriousness. As mentioned, I visited GP but no help was offered for us. The school asked me to see a therapist but I had no idea where to get one.
Now I realize how serious and urgent this problem is. Thanks, all.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I'd email the school and say you totally agree that your sons behaviour in school requires a therapeutic approach.
Then ask them to involve an educational psychologist.

If they think he needs a therapist they should organise one. That's not minimising your ds needing support - but not everyone can afford a private consult and follow on sessions.