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Does DD need to be in this friend group

(13 Posts)
Tallulahoola Mon 30-Oct-17 20:23:05

DD haa started reception. She enjoys it, and has already been invited to a few birthday parties. But she is shy and also likes her own company. Sometimes when she says she has been playing with friends I think she means she has been playing alongside them, though this doesn't bother her at all.

She has an after school nanny who she loves. But lots of the girls in her class go to the same after school club and are forming a little friendship group. I can see that a couple of the girls are quite dominant. Do you think I should be sending DD there instead? I worry that she will be left out of the group, and while she's oblivious to it all now it might be a problem when they get to Year 1/2. Or am I over-thinking it? She's just a really sweet, kind hearted but shy kid and I hate the thought of her being left out when she's a bit older.

It would involve cutting the nanny's hours too which I would feel bad about.

MrsOverTheRoad Mon 30-Oct-17 21:10:34

It's not necassary to move her OP. Friendships are very fluid through primary school.

I've had two DD"s go through...both changed best friends a good few times.

What I notice about your post is that you seem to have some concerns about DD's social skills...you mention that you think she plays alongside others.

Why do you think that?

Tallulahoola Mon 30-Oct-17 21:45:31

Her nanny mentioned it to me the other day, which got me thinking about it. She had tons of friends at nursery and played happily with them but never had that urge to be part of a crowd like I could see with some of the other girls. And I always thought that was quite admirable actually.

But also she had grown up with them so there was no shyness. The thing she has difficulty with now is saying hello or approaching her new friends, even when they come bounding over to say hello or give her a hug she clams up. Yet she says she plays with them all day. I think as long as they don't crowd her in groups she's fine.

I think I am worrying a bit too much! Also projecting because I was a shy child.

Anotheroneishere Tue 31-Oct-17 02:11:17

My kids like having an afterschool nanny and heading home, particularly my homebody reception boy. Your shy daughter may appreciate having time at home to decompress, rather than a continuation of a busy school day.

The girls could be forming a little group regardless of the afterschool club. I wouldn't worry about this in the least.

Your child's teacher should have an idea of where your daughter is socially, regarding playing alongside others or imaginative play. A quick chat with her about the social aspect will likely relieve your concerns.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall Tue 31-Oct-17 21:20:52

I never have the urge to be part of a crowd. I have friends, but I keep them at a distance compared to those in my friendship circle. I hate being in each other's pockets, knowing each other's secrets etc.

I love spending time with my friends but I also love my own company, me time, quiet time, doing the things I want to do (being selfish I suppose) and whereas others may understandably disagree with me, having the 'need' to be in a friendship circle and being with them for the sake of being with them, feeling like it is necessary or a need, is actually makes that person needy and insecure.

Having friendships is healthy but it is unhealthy for anyone to feel that it is necessary to the point of worrying about it at the age of 4.

Friendships are very fluid in primary school, especially in the early years and friendships are still fluid into adulthood. I have friends who 'come and go'. No falling out but simply that our paths take us in different directions and contact begins to dwindle.

If you are concerned, ask your daughter to invite a friend for a playdate. Switch the friends each time so she gets to know a few which would help her form healthy social relationships with children she feels connected to.

But don't swamp her, push her or openly worry about it in front of her as it can make children feel uneasy, unsettled, anxious and they become fixated on it.

My DS is in Y1. He has had a 'best friend' since being a toddler with a boy who went to the same childminder and nursery. Then in YR they were placed in separate classes. DS also had other friends. He was still 'best buds' with the other boy but every week, he would talk a lot about different kids. Now he is in Y1, his best bud has changed, even though he plays and talks about a completely separate boy a lot! He even still plays with 'best bud number 1' everyday and had him round for tea. This week his 'best bud' has changed again.

Your DD has only been at school 8 or so weeks. She could still be finding her feet, carefully checking everyone out before she 'commits' to a friendship and the same for the other children who go to the after-school club. Children who do spend a lot of time together tend to bond quickly, but this is more out of a 'need' than a 'want' and over time they may find that the dynamics have changed and they may find other new friends.

Try not to worry. She's very young and still very, very early on in school to be worrying about friendship attachments.

Didiplanthis Thu 02-Nov-17 07:59:24

She sounds like my dd. She is now yr3 and has friends and is happy but still likes quiet time and her own company at times - it was probably Easter of reception before she stooped playing alongside other children especially in the afternoon when she was tired. I think forcing her into a social group would have been a struggle for her, she is a bit of an observer and quiet but got there in her own time when she was ready. Her BF is very dominant and she definitely needs a break from her by the end of school !

2014newme Thu 02-Nov-17 08:29:35

No. Friendships change especially at that age.

MrsOverTheRoad Thu 02-Nov-17 08:49:00

Can't her nanny do some playdates? My DD had a friend whose after school nanny used to arrange her charges' playdates. She'd be at the school gates with the Mums after all...so she'd just ask on behalf of her charges Mother....who I think had suggested it.

Orangealien Thu 02-Nov-17 08:57:03

Not in a million years.

Time spent at home is valuable. It's needed to declutter the mind.

Tomorrowillbeachicken Thu 02-Nov-17 09:51:14

The classes may well be mixed up again in yr1 anyhow so friendships will change anyhow.

MrsOverTheRoad Thu 02-Nov-17 09:57:36

Tomorrow not all schools have multi class years you know. My children's schools didn't.

Tomorrowillbeachicken Thu 02-Nov-17 10:12:28

No, I’m well aware of that as some of the smaller schools don’t near me but I think most schools do and even then went f all stay together I’ve found the groups change anyhow.

Tallulahoola Fri 03-Nov-17 20:08:21

Thanks everyone, this has made me feel a lot better. Going to keep things as they are and do the odd play date a bit further down the road.

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