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Should I just move on from this behavioural 'issue' now?

(9 Posts)
Theromanempire Tue 17-Oct-17 12:40:28

DS is in Year 4 and is generally well-behaved (none of his previous teachers have ever raised any issues with me). He has a very strong sense of 'right and wrong' and injustice and is very quick to tell others when they are disobeying the rules (and yes, I get that it is very annoying!) His sibling, otoh, is a constant 'rule-bender', I often wonder how they are even related!

Anyway, on Friday, I got a message from his teacher saying that another child had reported DS for doing something wrong. She said she had spoken to DS who totally denied it but other children witnessed it but as it happened just before home time she hadn't had a chance to deal with it so would pick it up on Monday but could I speak to him about it over the weekend.

In the meantime, one of his friends happened to mention to me (unprompted) that DS had not done what had he had been accused of.

Anyway, I spoke to DS and he was adamant that he had not done it and that this boy was always picking on him to get him into trouble and he got very upset at the injustice of it all. I do actually believe him as he has never shown any inclination at home to behave in that way - even when his sibling is pushing every single button in his body and he is as angry as can be.

I messaged the teacher and told her the above - she said that she would speak to the other boy on Monday and let me know.

Went to pick DS up from school and the teacher didn't approach me so I assumed it had been dealt with. I spoke to DS about it and he said that the teacher had persuaded him to admit that he 'may have done it' by saying that if he did, they could put it behind them and move on otherwise if he was still adamant he didn't do it, she would have to speak to all the other children and he could potentially end up in front of the HT. So basically, and by his own admission, DS just gave in and couldn't be bothered continuing to deny it to save him and everyone else a lot of hassle. He is still adamant that he didn't say it but thinks he did the 'right thing'.

The teacher sent me a message later on yesterday pretty much saying the same thing that DS had said.

I do get what DS did as I am one for the path of least resistance and remember admitting to something I hadn't done at school just to stop all the difficult conversations with the teacher so I can't blame him. I don't really want to get into a back and forth situation with the teacher either as it's not going to achieve anything but on the other hand, I am a bit miffed that she pretty much pressganged him into admitting it hmm

Do I just leave it now and move on for DS's sake?

Threenme Tue 17-Oct-17 12:48:04

Tricky because it could be put to bed and done with but I do see how you'd feel aggrieved. Teacher has not handled well. I would say if ds is ok with the out come abs nothing else is said leave it. If he's bothered message teacher and say it's been dealt with badly.
Op do you think ds was targeted by this other boy because of what you said in your first paragraph and his being quick to tell other children what they're doing wrong. That sounds to me like what has happened. Maybe a word with him, that while you are very proud he always does the right thing it's not his job to police others. May cause him a lot of problems in secondary.

Enb76 Tue 17-Oct-17 12:48:27

I'd leave it but I'm aware that actually it's probably a really bad thing - I have had a long conversation with my child about it as she has a similar rule following mentality and gets quite distressed when accused of things that she hasn't done.

The way I see it - to get through life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and know things are unfair but that you're unlikely to change it but also realise by not challenging these things they'll never get changed so at some point someone has to stand up but do you want it to be you? - it's a bit of dichotomy.

With my daughter I said to pick her battles and if she feels really strongly about the unfairness then she should absolutely stand up for what she knows is right but if she thinks that in the grand scheme of things that it's not really important that she can let small injustices slide and be a duck (water off a duck's back).

Theromanempire Tue 17-Oct-17 13:14:54

Thanks for your responses.

Threenme who knows why this boy is picking on DS...possibly because he knows he'll react to it and get stressed and angry which is probably quite funny to a 10 year old? Possibly DS has reported him previously?

He is quite happy with the situation now - as I said, he feels that he made the right decision to just accept it and move on.

Enb funnily enough I had the same discussion with DH yesterday morning (before we knew how it had been handled) as I had done a pep talk with DS about how the teacher would look into it and that whilst I know he didn't do it, it may be that the teacher still believes that he did and he may get punished for it. In which case, he would just need to suck it up and accept that sometimes life isn't always fair. DH went mad at me for that when I told him later as he is much less pragmatic about stuff and was adamant that DS should not accept any punishment unless there is 100% proof that he did it (I did tell him that it wasn't a court of law grin)

Anyway, my instinct is to just move on so move on I will smile I don't think I'll even acknowledge the teachers message yesterday as I am not prepared to thank her for dealing with it when I don't think she has handled it well at all.

AnxiousAngela Tue 17-Oct-17 13:47:18

It depends how serious it is and if it's recorded in. Bad behaviour book or the like which follows onto secondary
I wouldn't have my child accepting they had done something wrong just so the questioning stopped ( even though I can see why children do this! ) as I don't think teaching them
Correctly.

Theromanempire Tue 17-Oct-17 15:33:32

I don' t think DS received any sanctions for it or it is recorded anywhere (I think that was part of the bargaining - admit it and you won't get punished) so I am not concerned about it having a lasting affect on him or his record.

It wasn't that serious - it was telling the other boy to f* off. I am sure he is not the first or last child to do that at school hmm

He is a real people-pleaser though and hates anyone being angry at him so I can totally understand why he just wanted the situation to end sad

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 17-Oct-17 15:37:42

I know - reply to the teacher's message with just 2 words - F* off

grin

No I'd probably just leave it too.

cremedelashite Tue 17-Oct-17 16:11:46

If it were me I would move on. You've had a thorough discussion along with what would be right. Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes in big institutions such as schools it's difficult for teachers to get to the bottom of it and occasionally it's better just to move on. His good behaviour generally is the main thing. I would be inclined to write to teacher (with the necessary big up the teacher thanks and say "Thanks for handling this situation. I agree with my son and yourself that it's better to just move on from this. He's still clear he did not do x, and why it wouldn't be the correct behaviour, but on this occasion I agree there is no point in them all ending up in front of head. However the relationship with the other boy is a tricky one (my son feels other boy picks on him and loves to see him annoyed). I'd appreciate if you could keep an eye on how they get on in future and I will do the same from this end. Many thanks"

catkind Tue 17-Oct-17 16:27:14

Lovely PA email creme, would be very tempted to go with that. I would want it on record in case the other boy decides he's onto a good thing here.

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