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Advice needed: dealing with frustration, hates writing, apparent lack of 'work ethic'

21 replies

dairymilkmonster · 14/08/2017 16:10

ds1 is just 6 (between yrs1&2) and at a small independent school he really loves. He seems very happy there, lots of friends, and school reports consistently he seems to enjoy most things, is enthusiastic and has good knowledge. His report was full of him being enthusiastic, helping his peers, good at science/history/geography and very well behaved. I don't think he is anything particularly special, but is certainly at least average in all areas at present.
HOWEVER we have two problems:

  1. Ds is quite emotionally immature - lots of tears still - and cannot deal with frustration at all. If he can't do something he gets upset and won't continue trying. He has totally failed to learn to use a scooter/ ride a bike because of this. Games are a nightmare - no matter how much we try to help him understand losing snakes & ladders doesn't matter he gets very angry and storms off. This doesn't seem to be improving!

Any advice?

2.We are having a lot of trouble with writing. School feels he is weak on writing, and have tried to give him extra support in class and sent sheets home with activities to improve his handwriting. He has basically refused to do them, or any other activities I have tried to suggest. He can write, but letter formation is very hit and miss and it is clearly extremely hard work. The rest of the class (bar 1) is producing whole A4 sides of lovely neat cursive writing, and we are soooo far behind that. DS will do about 3 sentences (he can use capitals, full stops, compose the sentences etc) and then have a meltdown if asked to do more.
We are doing a holiday diary, which has been an uphill struggle.
Reading appears okay - is on chapter books like Jeremy strong/secret seven.
His yr 1 form tutors report said that the gap between his ability and what gets onto paper is enormous. I wonder if he is demoralised by this?
Anyone else had this scenario? I know it may get better by itself but it is causing our household a lot of anguish!
I have a list of things to strengthen his hand muscles, but getting him to do any of them is quite challenging!
Advice gratefully received, or just reassurance I suppose!
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TeenAndTween · 14/08/2017 20:31

A few points.

6 is still VERY young. Don't start saying 'lack of work ethic' yet.

Are all his motor skills poor, you could look into dyspraxia as this could be a possibility, with not learning to scoot plus poor handwriting and details on writing?

re Losing. Try things that have very short times and a pay off for losing e.g. pop up pirate. Do massive modelling of being a good loser.

Will he / can he dictate a story to you? My DDs found writing so hard it got in the way of creativity. But decoupling by getting them to dictate to me helped a lot, and at least we could see whether the issue was thinking what to write, or the physical act of writing.

As you are aware of what his peers are producing, is he aware too and judging himself unfavourably? That could ne affecting his self esteem and not helping the 'losing' bit too. Some bright kids are not at all averse to pointing out shortcoming in others.

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dairymilkmonster · 14/08/2017 21:03

THanks. I am not really concerned re 'work ethic' as I would be a teenager, just that he seems so anti all school work. DH and I are really big on hard work, and that trying your best/hardest is the most important thing, so it's hard to have a child who doesn't 'get' that way of thinking. there is lots of time for him yet though.

NOt considered dyspraxia but he could certainly be mildly dyspraxia. I'm not sure if that really helps - but I will mention the possibility to school in sept in case they have any advice.

WE will try some shorter games.

I am fairly sure it is the physical writing. DS can certainly come up with a story outline and sentences he would like to write.

HE is definitely aware he is behind his peers - but I have been working hard to build self confidence, not that it has been at all effective. I know I have low self esteem, and am keen to avoid the kids suffering it too. I think I should research some ideas to boost DS' view of. Himself.

thanks

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user789653241 · 14/08/2017 21:18

Your ds sounds like my ds at the age. Grin
Playing games with him was a nightmare, I finally given up. No matter how many times I told him that if he loses his temper, I won't play any more, he always ended up being grumpy and unpleasant.
When I stopped playing games with him, he was only able to play with his daddy(who is a lot more patient than me), he had to tell ds in the end, he won't play anymore if he loses his temper again. I think he realised that if he can't play with daddy, he can't play at all since he is an only child. He is a lot better now, and I occasionally join in with them now.
Also we enrolled him to school board games club and he was terrible at first, but learned he need to be graceful loser other wise nobody wants to play with him. I think he is still young, get better with age.

For writing, ds was/is the same. Teacher says he has so much idea but doesn't put it on the paper enough.
He had no fine motor problems, so we did gross motor things to strengthen his core strength. It does make difference.
Have you seen mrz's list for fine/gross motor skills? They have lots of things you can do to help while actually having fun.

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abc12345 · 14/08/2017 21:26

Things I would suggest are

  • a decent OT can suggest ways to improve fine motor skills (and spot anything else going on)


  • write from the start


  • it's of things you can do at home like threading beads, clay modelling etc (not mentioning any of it is to improve his writing)


  • retained reflex therapy (I've done the Bob Allen brushing method with my sons and the difference it made was incredible)
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mrz · 15/08/2017 06:34

I would suggest investigating physical reasons for his apparent lack of effort. Many children find writing painful and/or exhausting if they haven't developed shoulder girdle, core body and hand wrist strength.
Your GP may be willing to make a referral to a paediatric occupational therapist for assessment and your school may have access to developmental coordination support depending on your LA services.

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mrz · 15/08/2017 06:46

Fine Motor Skills
Things to remember:
Upright working surfaces promote fine motor skills. Examples of these are: vertical
chalkboards; easels for painting; flannel boards; lite bright; magnet boards (or
fridge); windows and mirrors; white boards, etc. Children can also make sticker
pictures; do rubber ink-stamping; use reuseable stickers to make pictures; complete
puzzles with thick knobs; use magna-doodle and etch-a-sketch as well. The benefits
for these include: having the child's wrist positioned to develop good thumb
movements; they help develop good fine motor muscles; the child is using the arm
and shoulder muscles.
Fine Motor Activities
Moulding and rolling play dough into balls - using the palms of the
hands facing each other and with fingers curled slightly towards the palm.
Rolling play dough into tiny balls (peas) using only the finger tips.
Using pegs or toothpicks to make designs in play dough.
Cutting play dough with a plastic knife or with a pizza wheel by holding
the implement in a diagonal volar grasp.
Tearing newspaper into strips and then crumpling them into balls. Use
to stuff scarecrow or other art creation.
Scrunching up 1 sheet of newspaper in one hand. This is a super
strength builder.
Using a plant sprayer to spray plants, (indoors, outdoors) to spray snow
(mix food colouring with water so that the snow can be painted), or melt
"monsters". (Draw monster pictures with markers and the colours will run
when sprayed.)
Primary
Picking up objects using large tweezers such as those found in the
"Bedbugs" game. This can be adapted by picking up Cheerios, small cubes,
small marshmallows, pennies, etc., in counting games.
Shaking dice by cupping the hands together, forming an empty air space
between the palms.
Using small-sized screwdrivers like those found in an erector set.
Lacing and sewing activities such as stringing beads, Cheerios,
macaroni, etc.
Using eye droppers to "pick up" coloured water for colour mixing or
to make artistic designs on paper.
Rolling small balls out of tissue paper, then gluing the balls onto
construction paper to form pictures or designs.
Turning over cards, coins, checkers, or buttons, without bringing them to
the edge of the table.
Making pictures using stickers or self-sticking paper reinforcements.
Playing games with the "puppet fingers" -the thumb, index, and middle
fingers. At circle time have each child's puppet fingers tell about what
happened over the weekend, or use them in songs and finger plays.
Place a variety of forms (eg. blocks, felt, paper, string, yarn, cereal,
cotton) on outlines
Match shapes, colour, or pictures to a page and paste them within the
outlines
Primary
Self-Care Skills
Buttoning
Lacing
Tying
Fastening Snaps
Zipping
Carrying
Using a screwdriver
Locking and unlocking a door
Winding a clock
Opening and closing jars
Rolling out dough or other simple cooking activities
Washing plastic dishes
Primary
Sweeping the floor
Dressing
Scissor Activities
When scissors are held correctly, and when they fit a child's hand well, cutting
activities will exercise the very same muscles which are needed to manipulate a pencil
in a mature tripod grasp. The correct scissor position is with the thumb and middle
finger in the handles of the scissors, the index finger on the outside of the handle to
stabilize, with fingers four and five curled into the palm.
Cutting junk mail, particularly the kind of paper used in magazine
subscription cards.
Making fringe on the edge of a piece of construction paper.
Cutting play dough or clay with scissors.
Cutting straws or shredded paper.
Cutting
Use a thick black line to guide cutting the following:
A fringe from a piece of paper
Cut off corners of a piece of paper
Cut along curved lines
Cut lines with a variety of angles
Primary
Cut figures with curves and angles
Sensory Activities
The following activities ought to be done frequently to increase postural muscle
strength and endurance. These activities also strengthen the child's awareness of
his/her hands.
Wheelbarrow walking, crab walking
Clapping games (loud/quiet, on knees together, etc.)
Catching (clapping) bubbles between hands
Pulling off pieces of thera-putty with individual fingers and thumb
Drawing in a tactile medium such as wet sand, salt, rice, or "goop".
Make "goop" by adding water to cornstarch until you have a mixture similar
in consistency to toothpaste. The "drag" of this mixture provides feedback to
the muscle and joint receptors, thus facilitating visual motor control.
Picking out small objects like pegs, beads, coins, etc., from a tray of salt,
sand, rice, or putty. Try it with eyes closed too. This helps develop sensory
awareness in the hands.
Midline Crossing
Establishment of hand dominance is still developing at this point. The following
activities will facilitate midline crossing:
Encourage reaching across the body for materials with each hand. It
may be necessary to engage the other hand in an activity to prevent
switching hands at midline.
Primary
Refrain specifically from discouraging a child from using the left hand
for any activity. Allow for the natural development of hand dominance by
presenting activities at midline, and allowing the child to choose freely.
Start making the child aware of the left and right sides of his body
through spontaneous comments like, "kick the ball with your right leg." Play
imitation posture games like "Simon Says" with across the body movements.
When painting at easel, encourage the child to paint a continuous line
across the entire paper- also from diagonal to diagonal.
I use a Busy Finger Box in the classroom but you could easily find most things at home

  1. Pegs –

You need pegs of different sizes, clothes pegs, small bulldog clips, stationery clips etc. Get the children to use one hand only at a time. I usually get them to peg about 10 pegs of different sizes onto the sides of a gift bag. They might put them on with their left hand and take them off with their right.
They can also try squeezing the pegs between the first finger and thumb (on each hand) then the middle finger and thumb and so on.

  1. Elastic bands –

Elastic gymnastics! – Start by putting 2 elastic bands (the same size) around the thumb, first and middle fingers, ask the child to open and close the fingers. Then add another 2 elastic bands and so on. The more you have on, the harder it is to move your fingers. These exercises help to develop the muscles which make the web space when writing.

  1. Beads –

Get beads of different sizes and thread. Ask the children to thread some beads onto their string. The smaller the hole obviously the harder it is to thread. Develops hand/eye coordination.

  1. Ball bearings and tweezers –

Put the ball bearings in one little box and ask the child to try and pick one ball bearing up at a time with the tweezers and place in a second small box. If this is too tricky try using Hama beads and tweezers.

  1. Floam / Playdough –

These products are great for squeezing and rolling which provides necessary sensory feedback and helps to develop hand strength. Ask the children to squeeze the dough and roll it with the palm of their hand.

  1. Doodle board –

The Doodleboard is just a way of children practising handwriting patterns or letters without having to commit them to paper. Provide some patterns and shapes to copy.

  1. Gummed Shapes –

Give the children a sheet of plain paper and ask them to make patterns or pictures with the gummed shapes. Just picking up on shape at a time, licking it and then sticking it down all help to develop hand/eye coordination and the pincer grip.

  1. Hama Beads –

Hama beads are good for pincer grip and hand/eye coordination. The children have patterned sheets to copy and peg boards to put them on.

  1. Lacing cards –

Also good for hand/eye coordination. Just give each child one card to lace.

10. Bean bags –
Give a child 4-5 bean bags and place a container about 3 feet infront of them. Ask the child to try and get as many beanbags in the container as possible. (Hand/eye coordination)

11. Chalk and blackboard –
If you can, try and wedge the blackboard between two tables and provide the child with a piece of chalk in each hand. Ask them to draw the same pattern with both hands at the same time on both sides of the board. This helps develop bilateral movement.
Allow the children to draw patterns, shapes and letter shapes on the blackboard. The chalk gives sensory feedback and sound simultaneously.

12. Stencils –
Children can use the stencils to make a picture. Helps develop pencil control and special awareness among other things.

13. Feathers –
Ask the children to try and balance a feather on different parts of their body. This helps to develop balance and coordination.

14. Handhugger pens –
Hand hugger pens are the triangular shaped pens. These help the children to establish a better pencil grip.

15. Tissue paper strips –
Place the child’s palm (at the wrist) on the end of a strip of tissue paper. Ask them to only use their middle finger to get the paper to scrunch up under their hand.
Repeat, but this time place the side of the child’s hand on one end of the tissue strip and ask them to only use their thumb to scrunch up the paper and bring it under their hand.
These activities really help to develop the hand arch, web space and muscle tone of the hand.

16. Stickers –
Children love stickers. Just peeling them off provides an opportunity to develop fine motor skills and hand/eye coordination.

17. Peg boards –
These can be peg boards where the child has to place pegs in the holes, maybe copying patterns.
They can be the boards with plastic pegs already on where they have to stretch elastic bands between them to make patterns.
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Enelya · 15/08/2017 06:50

I agree that it could be dyspraxia, sounds exactly like my brother! The fact that often people with dyspraxia read well means that schools often discount learning difficulties.

The retained reflex therapy mentioned above made a big difference to my bro, although getting things down on paper remained a struggle his whole school career. A statement helped with extra time, support and ability to use computers for some assessments (a long way down the road for you, but worth bearing in mind!)

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ScoutFinchMockingbird · 15/08/2017 09:58

My DS has similar issues and I took him to an OT (on school advice). They diagnosed a visual processing / perception problem, which affects how DS sees shapes and the effect on what then comes out of his pencil Smile. We now have to do exercises with him on drawing wriggly lines, houses, animals made up of shapes etc. Also jigsaws, maze puzzles, lego - things that require visual interpretation.

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ilovesushi · 15/08/2017 11:29

I have similar struggles with my DS and writing. He has had useful help from an OT, but it is so hard as a parent to encourage some practice at home without turning the whole thing into a huge nag and turning him off writing even more than he already is.

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user789653241 · 15/08/2017 12:26

Making these 3Dmodels is great. Cutting, folding, pasting, forming shape all help fine motor. After that you can use them for making mobiles or just for learning how 3d shapes are constructed, etc. There's even better version which you can upload your own photo photo3D
Also we did lots of ripping coloured thin papers into tiny pieces to create a big mosaic picture. End results are stunning, but needs lots of finger works ripping and sticking each piece.

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user789653241 · 15/08/2017 13:02

Also we just started doing "free writing" by recommendation from great teachers, mrz and Liadain.
It's very simple. Just write continuously for a minute.(My ds does 3 minutes.) Don't worry about content, spelling, grammar, structure, neatness, anything. Just concentrate on pen/pencil not leaving a paper for duration. It seems easier with simple topic. My ds has been doing it for about 2 weeks now, and at first, he did struggled a bit, but now he loves it and demand to do it everyday.

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user789653241 · 15/08/2017 13:12

One more thing. (Sorry for multiple posts!)

about.readworks.org/how-to-do-article-a-day.html

This exercise is great. You pick some topic, site gives you set of multiple article related to the topic for child to read. Then they write down 2,3 things they want to remember in any form. You can choose topic by grade/ words count/ subject of your dc's interests.
My ds really enjoys making his own book of knowledge.

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dairymilkmonster · 15/08/2017 15:04

Wow. Thankyou all so much! What helpful replies. I was a little concerned I might just get 'stop pushing your child' responses!

Mrz - I have printed and saved your list. Will certainly have a go at as many of those as we can get ds engaged with.

I think we will investigate the dyspraxia angle, not because I want an excuse for his bad writing (all I want is it to be easier for him and for him to be able to do his best) but as it might lead to something which will help. The school has a SENCO, and if needed we have a fantastic GP who I'm sure will help with referrals if appropriate.

School board games club - I had avoided this because I thought it would be very inflammatory. Perhaps that would actually help? I might leave it a term or two.

I will try the free writing as well - but it might be challenging to get started!

Lots to think about - many thanks.

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nonicknameseemsavailable · 15/08/2017 15:57

holding a pencil can actually be painful for some children, we have hypermobility issues here and if your fingers bend right back and you have poor proprioception then writing isn't remotely appealing. We have had to get my daughters different pencils which take the pressure off their fingers when they hold them and this has helped. One still really struggles with handwriting which she is embarrassed about as she is going into year 5 but she genuinely just can't seem to do it. She is borderline dyspraxic. can't be diagnosed with it as she could manage to pass the ABC test and she does ballet so has developed very good core and muscle strength which has really helped but the paediatrician said to treat her as if she was dyspraxic as she probably is. irritating she can't be officially diagnosed but at the end of the day she has to cope whether she has a diagnosis or not so... I would like to get her assessed for dysgraphia as that might make school realise she actually has a problem but I have no idea how to go about doing this.

So I would consider different pencil grips, perhaps try some squishy ones like these which can take some of the discomfort out of holding a pencil. www.tts-group.co.uk/kush-n-flex-sensory-pencil-grips-10pk/1004742.html these are the preferred ones for both my girls (the one with the most problems is also very sensory seeking and she really likes these) but there are loads of different ones available, your SENCO will probably have some different ones to try but ours didn't have any of these squishy ones. they mostly had ones for promoting correct grip but that isn't the problem for my girls.

the pencils they now use are these <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Yoropen-Mini-Pencil-Pack-2/dp/B000PKIADE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1502808908&sr=8-2&keywords=yoropencil&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/Yoropen-Mini-Pencil-Pack-2/dp/B000PKIADE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1502808908&sr=8-2&keywords=yoropencil&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 mine have quite big hands so we have the adult sized ones but as yours is younger these might be the right size. my eldest feels they look more grown up and cool than using a pencil grip and actually had other kids desperate to know where she got it from including one thinking it must have come from a very popular stationary/pencil case store.

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mrz · 15/08/2017 16:03

If he is diagnosed as dyspraxia (Developmental Coordination Disorder is current term) the OT should be able to provide a programme that will help.
I've never known a child get an EHCP (statement) for Dyslexia/DCD but it is often a comorbidity of other difficulties. An EHCP is necessary for extra time in the SATs which he may need.

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Didiplanthis · 16/08/2017 18:34

Mrz - your list was brilliant. Have printed it off to do fun things with dyspraxic dd and ds with slow progress in writing - thank you so much !

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mrz · 16/08/2017 18:45

"An EHCP is not necessary for extra time in the SATs which he may need." Just noticed I missed out a viral word.

Hope it helps Didiplanthis Smile

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junebirthdaygirl · 20/08/2017 10:35

Mrz that it some list. Thanks.
My ds was like that at that age. Teachers called him lazy. He was orally bright , great reader and great at number but his writing and art work was unreal. He hated lego and making stuff, riding bike and always mislaid his stuff..it usually was in front of him. He was finally diagnosed with visual perception difficulties and assessor said he didnt get shape ( scored in bottom 2 percentile for matching shape sequences) .and it was like he couldnt see the wood for the trees.
He has played to his strengths all along and now at university doing everything on laptop suits him as he is brilliant on it. He has achieved really well but there are still issues in his life eg losing and finding stuff.
Get him assessed by an OT.
Most impirtant do not think of him as lazy. It is soul destroying as he is probably putting in more effort than most.
Did he have any issues at delivery as this can sometimes lead to these difficulties.

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Starlight2345 · 21/08/2017 18:19

Can I suggest you look up Dysgraphia...Some of it sounds like my DS, loved school and learning , At times refused to write altogether..Was assessed year 4 when teacher noticed huge gap between verbal and written answers...He now uses a laptop in school..Has helped his self esteem immensely.

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Dina1234 · 21/08/2017 18:36

He sounds remarkably similar to the dd of a woman I knew a long time ago. The girl was incredibly clever and mostly ahead of her peers but she had very poor coordination and was emotional quite immature. In the end she was diagnosed with sonething or other (I can't remember whether it was just for the coordination or all three). I can't for th life of me remember what it was. Have you seen a developmental psychologist? On the note of bicycle riding:I was very late to learn (very frightened). On advice my father found a grassy slope and pushed me down on my bicycle and I learned to ride within a couple of hours.

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dairymilkmonster · 21/08/2017 20:42

thanks!

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