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Bullying and changing schools

(21 Posts)
newfor2017 Tue 16-May-17 09:29:11

Following on from previous thread can I ask, has anyone moved their child from one school to another for bullying reasons and felt like 'it was the best thing they'd ever done'? I'm imagining a fresh start, new friends etc. Wondering if I'm being overly optimistic. My son's (fee-paying) school are saying they think it would be more beneficial to his self-esteem to ride it out. My parents are saying something similar. I'm very confused

Wolfiefan Tue 16-May-17 09:33:42

Ride it out?! Why?
The bullying needs to stop. The bullies need to be dealt with. Why should anyone have to suffer torment at the hands of bullies and why would being made to feel like shit be good for your self esteem. Bonkers.
If the school can't or won't tackle it then I would absolutely move my child.
Sorry this is happening OP.

AntigoneJones Tue 16-May-17 09:35:57

I don't think continued bullying is good for anyone's 'self esteem'.
ARe the school dealing with it at all?

isittheholidaysyet Tue 16-May-17 09:44:58

Bullying ruins self esteem.
If that's the school's attitude get him the hell out of there.

OdinsLoveChild Tue 16-May-17 09:56:12

I moved my children in the middle of their primary schooling due to bullying. DD told me that her time at her new school was the happiest she had ever been. She wished I had moved her sooner.

DS went from the bottom of his year, almost 2 years behind in his previous school to top of his year and 18 months ahead in his new school. His self esteem had been hit so hard he was failing drastically at his previous school. I Listened to too many teachers and parents telling me it was character building/he will get over it/silly childish games/all as bad as each other etc It was plain and simple bullying that staff didn't want to deal with because 'it happens all the time to everyone'.

Everyone (including teachers and family) said I was teaching my children to give up and not learn to deal with real life. Only 1 person told me by not dealing with whats happening to my child I'm making the issue worse because in my childs eyes I'm not supporting them and I'm also teaching my child that their life experiences and opinions don't matter enough to me to do anything about it. sad

You may find the school are just worried about their own reputation and also the loss of fees.

newfor2017 Tue 16-May-17 10:47:41

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Music to my ears.

OdinsLoveChild - that's just what I hoping to hear.

Lymmmummy Wed 17-May-17 12:03:36

If it was me I would move them

I would also perhaps have a chat about how we might make throngs different at the new school

Eg join things invite friends around and any other tips - sometimes kids are just randomly bullied and bullying is always wrong - but sometimes at the heat of it is a child who doesn't have the social skills and is believed to be a bit of an outsider or you can have cliquey mums or you can just be very unlucky in terms of the mix of kids in any one class - but that said I might just reflect if I was the parent on what I might like to do differently - in case there was anything I would like to change - but that's just me

Lymmmummy Wed 17-May-17 12:05:07

Sorry for the endless typos in my post hope you got the jist

Yes I would move him - but I would try and review what went wrong and see if there were any things I could do to help them not happen again

butterfly198615 Wed 17-May-17 12:21:02

I moved my ds when he was getting bullied and it was the best thing that I have done.
We tried the try it out and informing the school numerous times and nothing was done there was a bad incident so I took him out straight away. And got him in at another school.
It was daunting for my ds at first as he thought he would be bullied at this school and he didn't know anyone. But after the first week it made a massive difference and he is not happy and not stressed.

MusicToMyEars800 Wed 17-May-17 12:24:24

When I was in primary school I was bullied a lot my mum moved me twice, I was bullied in both schools, she moved me again and I was so happy in the 3rd school, so it was definitely the right thing to do. I honestly think if your ds is unhappy and the bullying is causing him stress, you should move him.

newfor2017 Wed 17-May-17 12:29:22

Thank you, I think it's the dynamic in his year. He was so happy last year. A new child joined at the beginning of Y4 and teamed up with one of DS's best friends. They became a threesome and my son was the weakest link. For whatever reason the boys happen to be massively outnumbered by girls in their year group. Meaning there wasn't really anywhere for DS to 'run to' when it started. It was the people he considered his friends that have done the bullying. I may be wrong but I think it's unlikely the situation would be replicated at another school. I hope not anyway. He has loads of playdates and sleepovers most weekends. A handful of good friends out of school and through sports clubs.

TheMysteriousJackelope Wed 17-May-17 12:40:23

My DD was bullied through third grade. When she moved into fourth grade (same school) the teacher had a zero tolerance approach to bullying, and the school ensured the main protagonists were in separate classes to my DD. The bullying stopped, however she still did not make any friends because she just did not trust or respect any of the children at the school - the ones who had not bullied her had joined in with gossip and ostracizing her. She pretty much held all of them in absolute contempt.

For middle school we moved her to a school on the other side of town where only a couple of the children from her previous school were going. The first week she was so much happier. The first time I was a chaperone on an activity and DD walked into the room, and a large group of girls all smiled at her and wanted her to come and sit with them was wonderful. Now she has at least one close friend and a general friend group she belongs to.

Her old school was 99.9% white, middle class, English speaking. Anyone who was a bit different, like DD, stuck out like a sore thumb. The new school is only 20% white, has many immigrants and children of immigrants (like DD), and children come from the richest and poorest parts of town. The diversity means everyone is different so people don't stand out because everyone stands out IYSWIM. I have not heard of any bullying there, and if someone is mean, the other children tell them to knock it off.

It sounds to me like your DS's school is worried about their reputation and losing out on fees. I would move him. He's already been there, done that with bullying and learned anything he's going to learn from the experience. He now needs to learn how to boost his confidence and self-esteem to understand that he never deserved to be treated in that way.

Lymmmummy Wed 17-May-17 12:46:39

OP In the circumstance yes move school - like you say your son has very few options available in the classroom to make new friends

My own son had a touch of this he was separated from aeveal friends put in a different class with just one friend this friend then made best friends with a new boy and he was totally left out made worse by fact 4 of his other friends had been put in the other class. In fact everyone a new child turns up at the school there is almost a mad dash by the mums to bag the child as a new best friend etc my son has lost out a bit but he is a butterfly socially and has other outlets at school in your circumstance I would def move him but maybe enquiry how many boys are in his new class

PaleAzureofSummer Wed 17-May-17 12:47:26

Sounds like you should move him. Dd has been so much happier at her high school than she was at primary because of the different mix of kids. Despite most of her year going to the same high school (but spread among 8 classes.) It's made such a difference to her.

Catrina1234 Wed 17-May-17 12:54:00

I'm astonished that an independent school is talking about "riding out" the bully. My DGD is at an IS and I remember reading the info before she started (a few years ago now) and what stuck out for me was "This is a TELLING school -any bullying will be dealt with in a timely manner" etc etc. though I haven't heard of any bullying. It's a tricky one isn't it - what does your son want - I would be guided by him I think.............

PaleAzureofSummer Wed 17-May-17 12:59:42

Maybe not all independent schools are the same?

QuinoaKeen Wed 17-May-17 13:04:47

Yes I moved DD due to bullying and she has absolutely flourished with a great group of friends.

Notsandwiches Wed 17-May-17 13:07:10

Movedy daughter as her previous schools "strategy" was to give her coping strategies not stop the bullying. My daughter is so happy in her new school. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

Good luck OP

newfor2017 Wed 17-May-17 13:08:20

Ha I think the vast majority of independent schools talk the talk but very few of them actually walk the walk!

Cloudangel123 Wed 07-Jun-17 23:36:04

It is total nonsense to think that it will be good for a child's self-esteem to ride it out!
Read what happened to our child after 3 years of suffering at Glenalmond College - anxiety issues, mental health problems, "suicidal ideation" and unable to sit A-levels - on website CrowdJustice under Education where child is now appealing for funding for legal fees.
Child did move school but damage had been done and as a family we're trying to piece our child back together again. Heartbreaking!

bojorojo Thu 08-Jun-17 10:33:09

You would need to find a school with a much wider choice of friends. Low numbers of one gender always ends up with this problem. It is the old adage, "two's compay, three's a crowd". Children get left out in this scenario and the new child is like a cuckoo in a nest - it pushes others out.

However, be very aware it can happen again. This is not confined to one school. New children joining or others flexing their friendship muscles happens everywhere. The key is to have a wide group of children to remain friends with and hope that children do not have their head's turned so easily and ditch previously good friends.

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