dyspraxic son; shall we move schools yet again?

[nomoredrama27]

Please help, I am really struggling with what to do about my son's education, I have made such a mess of it and am feeling wretched for him. Warning- its a bit of a long saga...
DS is 9 years old, born end of August. Early on in reception, he was quite clearly struggling- couldn't hold a pencil, avoided puzzles etc, quite distractible etc. - I put this down to him being so young in his year and so after a bit of a battle with the (private, pre-prep) school throughout year 1 they finally agreed to keep him back a year when it became clear that he wouldn't be able to cope with year 2 (still really struggling with writing and maths) He had a very tight knit group of friends and so because I didn't want him to feel bad about being 'held back', when a year1 place at another (private, well-regarded, good reputation for supporting and nurturing children) pre-prep school came up I jumped on it to give him a fresh start. He loved this school and made some really good friends. However his struggles continued and after an ed-psych report (spiky profile, but above average IQ) and a visit to an OT it was confirmed that he has a dyspraxia "profile" even though the results are somewhat spiky so that he doesn't qualify for a full dyspraxia diagnosis- his OT says there are a few traits of mild dyslexia too. His reading age is 4 years above his real age, he adores books and has a fab imagination for making up stories. He does have coordination and motor planning difficulties which affect his abilities in sport, (he hates football, rugby etc) but he loves running, swimming, climbing trees and generally being outdoors. He struggles with maths and getting his ideas down, writing still atrocious (on a bad day, you literally can't read it) and he can be anxious at times about getting lost, what is happening next etc. The new prep school fed into a junior part of the school and we were told quite clearly not to bother putting my son in for the exam, as he would not cope. Their attitude towards my son as the exams got nearer became, how shall it put it, less 'supportive'. The school finished at the end of year 2 and we had not school in place for him. Now I was stuck again, where could he go? I applied to my local state schools- none would take him in his cohort, I was only offered a place in his 'correct' year, i.e. he would have had to suddenly jump up a year- not ideal for a dyspraxic learner. So I had to turn it down. So on grovelling knees we returned to my sons very first school, who were absolutely lovely and took him back straight away where he thrived for the whole of year 3. He had three support lessons a week for handwriting and maths and fine motor skills, and a wonderful, nurturing and positive teacher. However he is now in year 4, having moved up to that schools prep department which is completely separate and on a different site. It is a much tougher, traditional prep school environment. LOTS of organised team sports, everyday (he absolutely hates this). A very long extended school day. He is not coping at all well, he says he hates his teacher and doesn't want to go back. He is much more teary and sad in general these days and I have seen a deterioration in his school work. I have been in quite a lot to try and sort out these problems, get him extra support (all on a withdrawal basis), trying to remind his teacher that he needs lots of emotional support and encouragment, but I can see his self esteem going downhill. I am also taking him out once a week to attend OT at extra cost as they cannot provide him with the type of fine motor skills practice that he needs to do everyday (only for 10-15 mins or so, but because he is so tired at the end of the day it is basically impossible to get him to do it when he gets home). My question is this, would you consider moving him yet again? I feel like the worst mother in the whole world, constantly changing his schools, trying to get it 'right' for him but somehow making the wrong decision everytime and messing up this crucial primary stage of his education. I have totally lost faith in my own ability to know what to do for my son :-( He is at home ill at the moment, we have been doing a little bit of work at home just to make sure he doesn't fall too far behind and he said to me that he wishes I was his teacher because I explain things in a way he understands. Any advice gratefully received. He is such a kind, funny and caring boy who has great potential as long as he is being supported properly but I feel like I've totally failed him so far.

[LIZS]

Private schools are not always the best fit for children with SpLDs. Ds was a dyspraxic at a prep school and found things tricky at times, sport especially, and the attitude of some staff showed a complete lack of understanding.

Keeping him out of year is always likely to be problematic , not all independents will accept him a year out into secondary and states won't either, particularly if you were considering any with entrance tests. You may find it easier to bite the bullet now, find an inclusive state school which would differentiate within his actual peer group. He might also qualify for an ehcp and learning support.

[sassymuffin]

My DS has dyspraxia/dcd and he didn't receive a formal diagnosis until he was 10. When we went to look around all of the secondary school it was clear that where I live the state schools had much better support and facilities in place for many SEN's in both the comprehensive and grammar systems.

DS is now in a grammar school and their support is fantastic and they have a great head of SENCO who is very passionate. The school colour code his timetable with the colour of his books to help with his organisation and he receives access to a net book for all extended writing subjects. He has received extra time for end of year exams since year 7 which will support their application for him to receive extra time for his GCSE's. The maths department provide DS with enlarged squared paper and graph paper so he finds it easier to clearly write numbers. He is also able to use his phone to take screen shots of any slides that he may not have time to copy down in lessons. With all this support and more he has been able to academically excel which is something he struggled with at primary before his diagnosis.

You have said that you have turned down a place at a local state primary because they would wish to move him up into his age cohort but it is worth considering that if a school offers robust SENCO support then the "leap" may not be as detrimental as you fear. When the right support strategies were put in place for my DS his academic improvement was notably rapid.

[Ginmummy1]

It doesn't sound like you've made bad decisions: it sounds like you've made what seemed to be the right decision at the time, each time.

You say your son understands things when you teach him, and it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with him. Have you considered homeschooling?

[bojorojo]

I find it rather odd you did not see this coming regarding the prep school. Did you not know what it was like? I think you have ploughed along in the private system, thinking, as so many do, that it is nurturing and kind, but have not thought about the eventual consequences when selection takes place and curriculum focusses on CE. Continual change of school and disruption cannot be doing him any good at all. Most prep schools are sport mad and academic: you must have known this.

If you have a place at a state school, I don't think you have much option but to grab it and keep him in a stable school environment. Check with their SENDCO about what they can provide and work with them. Going up a year may not be too much of an effort if his reading is excellent. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You will need to consider what secondary he is to attend and I think you must be realistic on that front and not aim for the stars.

[MakChoon]

Please don't beat yourself up, you've clearly been trying to do everything you can to make it work for your DS.

I have an 8yo DS with dyspraxia and he is thriving in his state school. We purposely chose the most 'alternative' and least academic-focused school in our town and it's working out really well. DS is overall really happy and enjoys learning - his teachers have all been brilliantly supportive to the extent that we've not needed the senco.

What are the state schools like around you? In a school with an inclusive/growth mindset philosophy and a great senco, your DS may well do absolutely fine - even in his year group.

As gin said, home ed would be another option well worth considering. That's always been our Plan B if DS does start to find school less enjoyable than he does now.

Also, it might be worth reflecting on your expectations for him. It might be that he'll always struggle in certain areas - some people might see that as an issue but personally I don't. I bet he'll be amazing in other areas.

Incidentally, I have dyspraxia (and possibly Aspergers) and struggle terribly with organisation and numbers... however by every usual measure I have a very happy and successful life.

[nomoredrama27]

Thank you everyone, it is really helpful to hear how other schools have approached teaching a dyspraxic child, and what kinds of support they have offered your own children. Your school sounds wonderful sassymuffin, it sounds like they have really engaged with the exact types of support your DS needs and that he is happy and doing so well. I really thought this school would be ok bojorojo; I was reassured by his pre-prep that the upper school would fit him well. It is not particularly selective and had a reputation for not being especially sporty; other friends with children who are dyspraxic said their they had enjoyed their time there. But for him it just doesn't seem to be working. All of your good advice is confirming to me what my gut is telling me anyway- that a state school with good senco provision is the thing he needs, what he has needed all along really and what I should have realised much earlier on. And yes Ginmummy1 I have been thinking about homeschooling lately as an alternative; thank you for your kind words- been feeling very rubbish today about it all. MakChoon it is lovely to hear your son is thriving- my local state schools are very good, its just getting into them thats the problem! We live in a bit of a dead zone for catchments, but I will look into in-year admissions for him. My only ambition for him is to be happy and supported so that his confidence can grow and he can achieve his potential, whatever that may be. Thank you everyone so much for your good advice.

[sassymuffin]

Hope everything works out for your son nomoredrama27 Just as a little add on dyspraxia is such an individual condition it can be difficult to find the "right fit". What suits one child with dyspraxia may not suit another etc.

DS is thriving in an academically rigorous school because it best suited him and my nephew with dyspraxia is also thriving at a none selective school. The one thing that both schools they have in common is that they have excellent SEN provision that enables the students to reach their full potential.

However many schools require an official diagnosis to access the funding for extra provision particularly in secondary education. My son never saw an educational psychologist for any part of his diagnosis but this may be because we live in a different area. The initial referral came from our GP who picked up on it during an unrelated appointment. The GP completed a neurological exam on him herself to speed things up and also wrote to his school nurse to ask her to assess DS during lessons including PE. He was then referred to occupational therapist for an assessment and then finally saw a consultant community paediatrician for the results and formal diagnosis. We had to hand his diagnosis letter into the school SENCO when he started in year 7.

[Dannygirl]

Sorry you and your son have had a difficult time with schools, my son is 9 (also an August baby!), also currently in the private system and diagnosed with dyspraxia and we are starting to think/worry about secondary schools too! A poster started this support group just recently. Please feel free to join us!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/2914466-Suppor-thread-for-those-with-children-with-developmental-coordination-disorder?

[Noteventhebestdrummer]

This isn't what you asked but I bribed my dyspraxic to do handwriting practice before school with a variety of extra tasty breakfasts. He's a teacher now

[Noteventhebestdrummer]

DOOF! My DS I meant to write!

[CrunchySeaweed]

I will PM you

[terrifictoddlers]

Hi nomoredrama27!

No advice I'm afraid. My ds1 sounds similar to yours - but as he's only 5 I don't yet know how things will pan out for him. (although you've got me googling dyspraxia!)

Anyway, I'm really just posting to say please please don't feel down or beat yourself up. You sound like a truly great mum who obviously loves her ds and cares a great deal for him. You have been making decisions all along that were with good intent and meant to be giving him the best. No-one could ask more than that! Furthermore, you genuinely sound like you really really want the best for ds. You warrant no criticism at all - so don't beat yourself up and please don't regret any of your decisions, and don't loose faith in yourself. You and ds have had lots of bad luck, but its not your fault! You're doing a great job! Hang in there, he'll find the right fit in good time and with a great mum like u, I'm sure he'll turn into a great young man, no matter what path his secondary years take him on

[millifiori]

My son is dyspraxic (and has ASD). He's now in an academic private school. His primary years were at a local state school. The state school was used to handling children of very mixed ability so he didn't get 'judged' as much as he might have in a prep. (Though they also didn't even try to get him to flourish when it turns out he was way above average intelligence.)

I think the key issue is maintaining their confidence and their faith in their own intelligence while they are clearly struggling and way behind some children in certain skills.

It's worth remembering that dyspraxics can learn what everyone else does. It just takes us way way longer for physical movement to be instinctive. We have to learn every single muscle movement consciously first. But we do get there in the end.

Using stress balls and having thumb wrestling and arm wrestling matches at home in a very non competitive manner can help build muscle. Encouraging physical activity like cycling and swimming and balancing on logs etc, but just one to one, so he doesn't compare himself with others also helps. That way he can catch up a bit. Same with ball skills I guess, (Though untested as I'm dyspraxic too and so rubbish with ball skills I never ever played ball with DS, which can't have helped.)

As they grow older, they find their niche. DS used to be so glum. trying to mix with the kids who could do double backflips on trampolines when he couldn't even bounce once with both feet together. But now he hangs out with the bookish, unsporty boys and there are plenty of them.

At secondary, the SEN was great. She got him using a laptop instead of writing by hand, and his grades went up overnight. Can your son type yet? Would he like to learn to touch type. DS taught himself. He's phenomenal at it. DS was very reticent to be on a laptop when everyone else wrote by hand. but of course all the other pupils thought it cool and his confidence rose with his grades.

[marthastew]

You haven't made bad decisions. It's just really hard to know what is best with so little support and professional advice. I have a son with ASD and I constantly feel like everything is a total guessing game.

[Polista]

Hi nomoredrama.... I don't know where you are, geographically, but I suggest you look at Bruern Abbey in Oxfordshire, a boarding and day prep for clever dyslexic/ dyspraxia boys like your son - and mine. I too have felt I failed my ds with prep school choices until I sent him there.
Good luck 💐