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6 year old DD daily problems with friends

(20 Posts)
Homosapiens Thu 23-Mar-17 20:43:53

Hi there,
My 6 year old DD has been falling out with one friend or another, sometimes quite a few friends pretty much every day for the last few months. She is a very sensitive character and takes everything to heart but it seems extreme to me that she cannot seem to go a day without someone saying something mean to her or her having a dispute with a friend which leads to her feeling low about herself, anxious and sometimes cross- usually just before bed.

It all just seems really fickle and I'm worried that she's trying to be friends with people that are never going to be good, consistent friends with her OR that she is having some social problems which either mean she is irritating the other kids or that this is all normal and she is letting it get to her too much.

Would love to hear what you all think😕

GloriaV Thu 23-Mar-17 20:48:53

If it's mostly just before bed perhaps it's that time when she is tired and thus more negative than the 'fallouts' really warrant.
Could she chat about things funny or fun that happened so any squabbles don't figure so large.
Most probs are much less of a issue in the morning.

refusetobeasheep Thu 23-Mar-17 21:05:18

I'd be tempted to ask the teacher if she has noticed anything.

Homosapiens Thu 23-Mar-17 21:22:56

Yes, good thinking, I'll try that. And you're right- by the morning some of the problems are forgotten although some seem to linger, probably because they're ongoing with certain classmates.

Homosapiens Thu 23-Mar-17 21:28:28

...I have mentioned to her teacher that I think she has anxieties about the 'social side' of school during a conversation about something else but I think you're right- I should probably talk to her again. She did't say she had noticed anything.

Is it normal for there be such frequent negative experiences with friends? She is our only child so I'm at a bit of a loss!

Lemonnaise Thu 23-Mar-17 21:45:21

I think it's quite normal. My nearly 6 year old DD always has stories of who has been mean to who, who wouldn't let her play etc. It never seems to bother her though and next day she's friends with them again... until next time. There was one girl who seemed to be extra mean though, would never her alone, telling her who she could talk to and who she could play with.

DD was quite intimidated by the girl so I told her things she could say back to her and we practiced them together. It seems to be working, not so many stories now.

Lemonnaise Thu 23-Mar-17 21:46:23

*would never leave her alone

Homosapiens Thu 23-Mar-17 22:20:04

Thanks Lemmonaise. It's so hard to know what really goes on and they are learning friendships at this age I guess. I suppose it's a question of supporting them in making decisions about how to handle disagreements and upsets, like you say- providing them with positive ideas about how to deal with situations that perhaps are more one-sided and cause for concern, beyond the everyday stuff that it sounds like they all have from what you said. 🙂

jamdonut Fri 24-Mar-17 00:39:13

Every day I spend loads of time trying to 'sort' children's friendships. Someone or other is always "being mean" to someone else. Sometimes it is real, sometimes perceived.Mostly perceived.
We can talk until we are blue in the face about how to play nicely, look out for each other so that no-one is lonely, and generally be good friends, but the fact is, especially at Key Stage 1 age, they are just in and out of friends continually!
There are power struggles, wanting to play exclusively with a particular friend, " play-fighting" which ends up proper fighting, toy "sharing",( or not, as the case may be).
Most of the time, one child's "being mean", is another child asserting themselves.

Mention it to the teacher again, of course, but try to keep in mind that, on the whole, friendships are very fluid.
I personally think it is better to be friends with a lot of people than have "best" friends at this age group.

Witchend Fri 24-Mar-17 09:14:05

I think it does depend on your dc what they tell you.

Dd1 used to give me all the information from her form. Who sat next to who, what people had for lunch, what they said a circle time.
Dd2 used to give me what I'd call more gossip. Who had fallen out with who, nasty things people had said etc. I don't think dd1 wasn't upset by nasty things, but she dwelled on them less.

Dd2 was also more likely to see something nasty in something said. So something bland like "You don't have a TV at home?" dd1 would see as an interesting piece of conversation, respond "no, do you have one?" conversation moves on. Dd2 would see it as being mean and respond accordingly, which then sometimes led to nastiness on both sides.

Ds I used to get the score from lunch time football. grin

Homosapiens Fri 24-Mar-17 10:32:14

Thanks everyone. That all really helps. I think I do get the full report on the lowlights when there are plenty of highlights that don't get a mention! And this morning, no worries at all and plenty of excitement about the school outing. The offloading at bedtime probably gets minor problems out of the way so she can forget about them the following day and move on, which is probably a good way of dealing with it all🙂

WhatAPigsEar Fri 24-Mar-17 10:42:04

Could it be possible that your dd only wants to play the games of her choice & in her specific way? There was a girl in dd's class who always said the other kids were mean to her or wouldn't play with her. It turned out she wanted to dictate which games they played & who was each character etc. If the other children wanted to play something else (or God forbid someone else wanted to be the 'baby') she would tell her mum the other girls wouldn't let her play.
Teachers and other kids backed up that they were all happy to play with her but didn't want to be dictated to. Not sure if it's relevant but she was also an only child so probably used to getting her own way more than those with siblings.

WhatAPigsEar Fri 24-Mar-17 10:42:36

I hope that doesn't come across as bashing only children. I don't meant it to

Lemonnaise Fri 24-Mar-17 11:36:31

WhatAPigsEar......I really mean this with respect but please, please try and stop thinking of only children as wanting and getting their own way all the time.

My DD is an only child and I can assure you she in no way gets her own way all the time. I was very aware that this is the preconception that people have about only children and have raised her to be aware of other peoples feelings and wants.

The most spoilt child I have ever come across had siblings. This child was a complete nightmare, wouldn't share, all games had to be dictated by her, threw a massive tantrum because she couldn't just take my DD's new birthday toys home with her...her mother took her to the toyshop to make up for itshock

I know you you didn't mean to label all only children, I just feel they get a raw deal. My DD will have this assumption made about her for her whole life probably and it's so far from the truth.

WhatAPigsEar Fri 24-Mar-17 11:53:51

Lemonnaise with respect I didn't say all only children are spoilt or used to getting their own way. I merely pointed out my experience. With a disclaimer.

Lemonnaise Fri 24-Mar-17 12:01:33

she was also an only child so probably used to getting her own way more than those with siblings.

I'll just leave this here....

WhatAPigsEar Fri 24-Mar-17 12:05:59

You do that Lemonnaise.
If I wasn't on my phone I could quote your post about 'the most spoilt child...' etc saying to stop tarring all siblings with the same brush.
Touchy, much?

Lemonnaise Fri 24-Mar-17 12:12:37

That's not even remotely comparable....You're clutching at straws now. My story about the most spoilt child was FACT. Yours is ignorance.

sherbetpips Fri 24-Mar-17 12:17:34

As an only child my son struggled with the concept that not everyone wanted to play what he wanted to play, neither could he force them to by having a strop. We spoke to him about it each time it came up and he did eventually learn to let others have a choice. Conversely you can get a similar problem with children with lots of siblings, they are so used to falling out and making up all the time, that when they treat there friends that way they don't understand why they take the hump. All works itself out in the end although I believe girls can be a whole different issue!

WhatAPigsEar Fri 24-Mar-17 12:53:32

Lemonnaise you're right the two things aren't comparable. My story was relevant to the thread. Yours was just goady. IMHO. But then I'm just ignorant apparently.
I'm bowing out of this thread as o doubt the OP wants squabbling on it when she came for advice. Plus Sherbert has said what I was trying to say, much more eloquently than I did. Thanks Sherbert

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