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Uncomfortable with teacher

(35 Posts)
Daddyslilmonster Wed 21-Dec-16 23:21:31

My story starts with my 5yr old daughter. As you can imagine, she can be quite a sassy character and is into everything at this age! She thinks she's much older than she is #5goingin15

My issue with the teaching staff started last week!
I was waiting for my daughter to be released from school when suddenly the teacher approached me and ask if she could have a quick word with me!
I entered the classroom with my daughter, asked how her day had gone and if she had fun etc.
The teacher asked her to go and play so we could have a talk about her concerns!
Immediately I go into panick mum mode when the word "concern" pops up. We then had to wait for another teacher to join the conversation.
They then told me how they had concerns because my daughter had told them that daddy was nasty with her and hurt her neck. I was completely shocked and mortified! I know my husband would never do that especially to his little princess!
I explained that she had hurt her neck while her and her brother were wrestling and assured them that nothing like that would ever happen!
I left the conversation absolutely mortified, embarrassed and uncomfortable.
My husband was heartbroken when I told him the story. Now we feel like we are being watched by them.

Today brought a new dilemma!
I was stood in the playground waiting for my daughter when a another member of staff approached me.
I walked over to see my daughter uncontrollably sobbing. I immediately went to comfort her when this teacher then abruptly told me that they had to tell my daughter off today.
This shocked me as she generally a quiet, happy child at school.
Today was xmas party day and all children had to come to school in party clothes with their uniforms in their bags.
As a busy mum, I forgot to tell my daughter that she would have to change later at school and her stuff was in her bag!
This teacher told me that she had repeatedly asked my daughter to put her uniform on to which my daughter thought we had left it at home. She then told me that she refused to put on the uniform once her bag had been found.
I can't imagine for one minute that my daughter would refuse too if she saw all the other children getting dressed into their uniforms. That was the end of the conversation with this teacher as she turned away.
I left with my child, asking questions about what had happened. She couldn't even answer me! She sobbed all the way home. She even apologised for crying so much! I tried to calm her down and have a cuddle so then we could talk about what had happened. She then told me that she couldn't find her bag and she didn't know that her stuff was in the bag! She was obviously confused (she has only just turned 5 😕)
She said that the teacher just kept telling her to "go and find it". She now doesn't want to go to school ever again.
After makin herself sick with worry and sobbing herself to sleep, I've finally had a chance to think about everything!
Am I wrong in thinking that this teacher could have maybe helped my child to find the bag instead of making her uncomfortable and upset??
I want to talk to the teacher so I can fully understand what had happened today but after last week I feel like I'm in an awkward/uncomfortable position!!
I know my child Can be a terror at times but I don't believe for one minute that should would ever act this way at school. She's is now petrified of going back tomorrow!!! Help????confused #worriedmummy

Prettybaffled Wed 21-Dec-16 23:28:58

Hi worried, I'm just sending you an un mn hug flowers

The thing about her being hurt will just be a safeguarding protocol and I would try to dismiss it from your mind.

About the school uniform I had a dd who would behave like that at this age - mine was very anxious and having to do something unexpected would have set her off. I think they are so young that this kind of thing sometimes happens. I would explain to your dd that we all make mistakes sometimes so it is ok that she was confused and then didn't get her behaviour right after that, but that if ever confused she should ask an adult in school to help and always do what the teacher asks immediately. I would suggest she apologises to the teacher. This will help your dd feel better and the whole thing not to happen again.

I would probably not bother realising with the teacher unless it happens again. It may not have been handled well but it's impossible to know and it will probably cause more issues if you raise it.

Prettybaffled Wed 21-Dec-16 23:29:51

I meant raising but realising

CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 21-Dec-16 23:33:47

I think the teacher is being a bit heavy handed tbh. I can understand the safeguarding thing , they definitely couldn't have let that go but the uniform thing is a bit ott - your DD is only little , they could have helped her.

Daddyslilmonster Wed 21-Dec-16 23:37:02

Thank you!!
My daughter has made a card for this teacher to take in tomorrow (granted, it's stained with tears, bless her!)
I explained that mistakes happen sometimes and she knows that she has to do as she is told straights away, which is why it came as quite a shock to see her like this!
Maybe I'm just over thinking things!
Think I should just put it down to being the end of term and everyone is tired.😕

ZuzaPa Wed 21-Dec-16 23:38:57

Alot of children make up wild stories sometimes, don't know why, I remember my neice insisting to me that her dad 'boxed her in the face' and my friend when collecting his daughter from school was greeted with 'congratulations'. His little girl had told them all her mammy had a baby. She didn't.

Theres no need to be offended or embarrassed or even feel defensive. They obviously have to do their job & they don't know you personally.

Confutatis Wed 21-Dec-16 23:41:52

Try not to be worried! Unless you are a night owl this will keep you awake; try not to let it. You will look back and hopefully laugh at both of these in times to come. No 1 is obvs a misunderstanding. No 2 you can't do anything about now and everyone gets tired etc at the end of term and things like this happen. Maybe just ask a friend tomorrow to look out for her and reassure your DD that it was one of those things - don't let it get to her. Or you. I wouldn't badger the teacher about yesterday - just move on. Hopefully she will wake up refreshed and not as concerned as when she went to sleep. Time for term to end IMHO.

Daddyslilmonster Wed 21-Dec-16 23:54:09

Thank you! This really helps! My hubby and I are probably just overprotective I suppose 😊

irvineoneohone Thu 22-Dec-16 07:41:04

Yes, yes, children tell the teacher very embarrasing stories. And if it's something involves child's safety, they need to find out the truth.
My ds told his teacher once, that I am on computer all day playing games. I was so embarrassed when she mentioned it jokingly. I work on computer. And tend not to do the work while he is around. So he thought only reason for me to use computer was to play games or be on Mumsnet!!!

merlottime Thu 22-Dec-16 09:07:41

Also remember teachers are tired at this point in the year, and one person is looking after 30 kids - it is hard work and they won't always be able to help hunt for bags. It is all part of the little ones learning slowly to get a degree of independence, but it is hard when we are used to wrapping them up in cotton wool.

Daddyslilmonster Thu 22-Dec-16 09:34:09

I understand that the teachers are tired but this was a new teacher who has joined the class along side my daughters teacher!
There were at least 4 members of staff in that classroom.
My child has always been independent so this is totally out of character for her.
We had tears this morning over going to school!
She didn't want me to say anything to this particular teacher as she's now thinks that she's going to shout at her again!
I explained to her teacher this morning that she had been upset this morning so hopefully this will squash everything!
I work with children myself so I know how they can be! But as a human I would never want anyone's child to leave school a sobbing mess

Prettybaffled Thu 22-Dec-16 10:03:48

No, I agree

Prettybaffled Thu 22-Dec-16 10:04:49

Pressed send too soon. Meant to say they are so little I think a bit of extra help and understanding is appropriate.

Trifleorbust Thu 22-Dec-16 10:09:30

You have to be able to tell the difference between the teacher 'making your DD cry' and your child crying because she got told off. The teacher hasn't done anything inappropriate. Your DD just isn't used to being corrected by the teacher because (it sounds like) she is normally very well behaved.

ShoeEatingMonster Thu 22-Dec-16 10:11:39

Teachers have a legal obligation to act on any concern about a child's welfare even if it does turn out to be nothing/a lie/an exaggeration. They simply can't ignore it.

As for your being upset with the teacher...
She then told me that she refused to put on the uniform once her bag had been found.

This was the problem. Not that she couldn't find the bag but that your dd refused to do as she was told. That isn't excusable.
You've described her as sassy and a terror. Maybe her behaviour in school isn't as good as you think it is (yes eventhough they're tired at the end of term)

CauliflowerSqueeze Thu 22-Dec-16 10:31:26

Agree with shoe.
1. She made up a story about her dad - the teacher had to look into it. For some kids that might be true.
2. She refused to put on the clothes. That was the problem.

jamdonut Thu 22-Dec-16 10:38:00

All I can say is - I work in KS1.
It is not unusual for children to refuse to do things because they don't want to. It is not unusual for them to say they have not got their PE kit because they would rather sit and read or even finish work off than do PE...But when you go and look with them it magically appears from their bags.
Children will say they haven't brought their reading books, because they don't want to read etc, etc.
You might think your child wouldn't do that, but maybe, just maybe, she did.

She got found out - that is why she doesn't want to go to school.
Nobody wants to believe their child has done something wrong when previously they have always been good ( I have had these moments with my own children), but reassure her that it will be forgotten about, especially if she continues to follow the teacher's instructions as previous.

If it was party day, I expect it was very difficult ,with lots of over- excited children, to get someone to go and look for a bag...Though I must say, in our school we had morning parties for KS1, and didn't expect them to change back into uniform for the rest of the day. Only KS2 do that.
Try not to worry about it, or let her see you are worried.Im sure that as an isolated incident it will blow over very , very quickly.

mummytime Thu 22-Dec-16 10:52:03

I would also say if it is a "new teacher" working alongside her normal class teacher - could it be that this is a trainee? In which case she doesn't have the experience and will make mistakes - and may even be not ideal for the littlies.

Daddyslilmonster Thu 22-Dec-16 10:54:47

Sassy and being a terror doesn't mean she misbehaves! She's a happy little 5 yr old.
I'm not the type of parent to make excuses for my child's behaviour. If she's done something, I'd expect them to do what they need to do!

As for refusing to put the clothes on, I completely disagree! She had them on when I picked her up! She put them on as soon as they found the bag!
The teachers abrupt manner when telling me the situation didn't help things!
Like I said, I'm putting it down as being an off day!
As you can imagine, if you're child is sobbing and telling you it was accident then you would be concerned.
What kind of a mother wouldn't be concerned?!? 😐

Trifleorbust Thu 22-Dec-16 10:56:58

I wouldn't be concerned. I would put it down to her not doing as she had been told. What is it that is concerning you?

CauliflowerSqueeze Thu 22-Dec-16 10:59:28

Oh! So what you're saying is that the teacher made up a story in order to get your child into trouble. That in fact the bag was found immediately and your daughter put on the clothes straightaway. You completely disagree with what the teacher said happened because your 5 year old has a clearer perspective?
Isn't it lucky the teacher checked with you about the "daddy hurts me" story and didn't automatically believe that she was relating the exact truth?

mummytime Thu 22-Dec-16 11:39:11

I think some people are being harsh!

If I collected one of my DC in tears I would want to know why, and wouldn't expect a teacher to just say they had been "naughty". In fact in my experience my DC's teachers have all been much better at dealing with children's upsets and getting changed than I am.
To be honest I would actually wonder at the sanity of the school to insist on clothes change especially for little ones - as it takes them a lot of time, and some children really hate wearing "different" clothes.
I personally would calm her down and let her enjoy Christmas, then make sure I was prepared at the start of term (maybe even sending in an email if she was very nervous about going back), and speak to the class teacher if she is still worried when she gets back to school.

And yes at that age lots of people don't listen to children - I remember a parent helper not listening when I tried to tell her I needed a travel sick pill on a school trip (a long long time ago and it still annoys). I also know my own children and they can say they can't "find something" even when it is exactly where I told them to look. And my children could well have had real issues in this kind of circumstance - if it reoccurs then I would be starting a dialogue on how the school can better support her anxieties.

CauliflowerSqueeze Thu 22-Dec-16 11:49:04

But the teacher didn't just say she had been naughty. She explained what had happened:

This teacher told me that she had repeatedly asked my daughter to put her uniform on to which my daughter thought we had left it at home. She then told me that she refused to put on the uniform once her bag had been found.

The OP seems to feel that the teacher in fact fabricated the entire story

I can't imagine for one minute that my daughter would refuse As for refusing to put the clothes on, I completely disagree!

So there we have it. It is unimaginable to her that her daughter would refuse and she completely disagrees that this happened. And so therefore it must be that this teacher is making the whole thing up, that there was no issue at all.

You're saying that the school has "sanity issues" by asking children to change. Really? So there should be no sports or anything that requires a change of clothes and to have this would be considered "insane" ?

noblegiraffe Thu 22-Dec-16 11:57:56

It's the end of a long term, Christmas is nearly here, and across the country children are having irrational meltdowns that would be totally out of character at any other time.

OP give the teacher a break, your DD embarrassed you to the school by making up a story about her dad hurting her, so it's understandable that you want to lash back at the school. We know that she doesn't always tell the truth and it is entirely possible that she got herself worked up about the whole uniform issue and had a strop at the teacher when the bag was found.

Chalk it up as end-of-termitis, don't mention it again. Cuddle your DD on the sofa this evening while watching a film, she's clearly knackered.

Daddyslilmonster Thu 22-Dec-16 12:09:10

I'm chalking it up as a misunderstanding! It's will soon be forgotten about!
My purpose was to gain advise on how to approach the situation as I was uncomfortable but it looks like some people just want to have a dig at my child's behaviour (she's 5 for god sake!!!)
Thank you for all those who actually gave some advise and those that don't agree that I should be concerned, well that's not my concern and I won't lose sleep over your comments.
Merry xmas peps!!!!

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