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Realistically, what could I expect a class teacher to do about this?

(15 Posts)
margaritasbythesea Mon 24-Oct-16 20:23:09

Me and my two DCs have recently emigrated to Spain and started school in September. They can both speak some Spanish but are not fluent.

My concern is with my DD who is 8. She is very sociable, though quite quiet and had two very good close friendhips at her lst school and was on friendly terms with everyone. It was a small and very caring school. Our new school is much bigger - they have as many students in a year group as the old one did in the whole school.

DD has been enthusiastic and very willing about the whole thing from day one despite some nerves and trouble working out the routines. At first she had a variety of children taking an interest in here.

My problem is that in the last few weeks, one girl has attached herself to my daughter and is actively stopping her from interacting with others. Dd says most people have given up trying to talk to her. DD isn't happy about this in part because she is a sociable and curious girl and in part because some of this girl's behaviour upsets her.

Firstly, there is the fact that she won't let DD talk to others. Secondly the girl garbs onto her a lot and drags her about. I though DD was exaggerating thisas she is very non-physical but saw it about 10 days ago and it was quite extreme. She was really holding her and pulling her a lot. I had to tell her to stop it three times before she did. I told the teacher about it and I know the teacher has reprimanded the girl once and spoken to her about her possessiveness over my daughter.

This girl can also be a bit spiteful, accusig my daughter of not being a good friend if dd does not do what she wants, or throwing her pencil case etc on the floor if DD disagrees with her. She also seems to cry a lot if things don't go her way.

DD is very worried about this girl becoming angry with her and being nasty to her if I say anything to her. She is also really frightened of not having any friends if she is not friends with this girl as all the others who showed an interest in her have been driven away. She does like this girl but is also really upset by her.

DD has been encouraged by me and other family members to have confidence to say no, and I do believe she has tried it bt she is getting increasingly more upset. It has come to the point where she is crying every day after school about it. This is not my DD.

I do support her but am not sure what else to do, and i am not sure what I can ask the teacher and / or school to do. But I do want to help DD because she loves school and I hate her being so upset by it.

She keeps trying to work out little strategies to pacify this girl and to make her nicer and less rough and it is so sad to see. What can I do to help her?

Spottyladybird Mon 24-Oct-16 20:40:35

I'd speak to the teacher again and just explain that it's continuing and that it's impacting your daughter at home too.

You could also help your DD by having other friends over to play or for tea and try to strengthen those relationships. Not sure what extra curricular activities are like in Spain but could you sign her up for something- might help her grow in confidence and foster more friendships.

margaritasbythesea Mon 24-Oct-16 21:14:25

Thanks. We don't really know anyone and play dates I'm told don't really happen. I will talk to the teacher again and have a think about other activities. Unfortunately dd's hobby is piano so a bit solitary.

Thanks for your reply.

cosmicglittergirl Mon 24-Oct-16 21:23:21

I think you could fully expect the class teacher to take this seriously. They can speak to the other child and try to ensure she isn't dominating her.

margaritasbythesea Mon 24-Oct-16 21:44:49

Thanks. I'm just not sure what she could actually do. Worth a try though.

cosmicglittergirl Mon 24-Oct-16 21:49:20

Well I'm a teacher and I've had to deal with this sort of thing a few times. I've spoken to the child then kept an eye. Once I had to speak to the parents and they were helpful. Your child should not be unhappy at school and the teacher should want to help.

margaritasbythesea Mon 24-Oct-16 22:00:11

Thanks. She feels so trapped by having made friends with her, but she was so grateful to have a friend as she was new. I feel so sorry for her. It's the last thing she needs in a new country with a new language. And her father is working away until Christmas. Poor little thing.

cosmicglittergirl Mon 24-Oct-16 22:02:18

In my experience that sort of intense relationship usually fizzles out. It might be your daughter is a 'prize' as she's not Spanish. If another child turned up it could well be over. Not that that's any reassurance to your daughter.

Ohyesiam Mon 24-Oct-16 23:06:40

It is definitely within the teachers remit to sort this out, pastoral care is part of their job. She needs to tell the girl all the dragging and physical stuff had to stop. As does the monopolising her.
Try to help your daughter not second guess the future ("if teacher confronts her it might make it worse " kind of thing) try to make her see it needs dealing with in the now. I imagine this girl must have caused some troubles in the past, such controlling behaviour won't just start out of the blue. Talk to the teacher, and keep talking until it improves.

Spottyladybird Mon 24-Oct-16 23:22:20

I agree, I'm a teacher and sort this sort of thing out regularly. The other girl's parents should be spoken to if it continues.

If she's musical could she join a choir or do something similar? Maybe her piano teacher knows of other activities she could do.

ReggaeShark Mon 24-Oct-16 23:32:49

If it's a large school could your DD move to another class?

Bluepowder Mon 24-Oct-16 23:50:47

It's actually a form of bullying. Speak to the teacher.

margaritasbythesea Tue 25-Oct-16 06:35:48

It certainly feels like bullying. She really manipulates dd. Thanks for your responses. If the situation doesn't improve I have thought of asking to have her moved.

SavoyCabbage Tue 25-Oct-16 07:10:10

Talk to the teacher and ask him to be firmer. Give your dd a phrase to repeat to the other child. 'Stop it I don't like it' or something. And to make sure they aren't 'allowed' to sit next to each other, line up next to each other or be partners until further notice.

We've emigrated and I've found you have to work harder on friendships for your dc. Lots of extra curricular stuff so they have friends outside of school so that their whole world doesn't revolve around what is going on at school.

Are there and neighbourhood dc she could play with?

margaritasbythesea Tue 25-Oct-16 08:23:05

Thanks Savoy. Unfortunately there are no children in our block. In Spain, where we are, this tends to be how it goes. I wish I hadn't just dished out £200 on a keyboard and put her in the painting class instead. School timetable is punishing here (9.00 until 12.30 then 3.30 until 5.30)so it is hard to fit things in but this morning I have sent a request in to school to see the teacher and I will ask her if she can still join and the pairing up thing.

They have a school trip on Friday and of course this girl obliged DD straight away to promise to be her partner.

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