Bad behaviour in Reception... moved to year 1

[Laijen0622]

Hi,
Would really like some advice on my situation please.
My DS started reception in sept( he was 4 in June). Since then there have been 7 occasions in 5 weeks where he has got angry with another child n tried hitting them. When he is told of by the teacher he tries to lash out.
After the first 3 occasions he was put on half days for a week starting from the next week. No letter home just a meeting at school to tell me. I disagreed and asked if on a day he was naughty cud i come get him after lunch so he could learn actions have consequences. Also explained that i had just started a new job as have been a SAHM for 4 years so had applied for jobs knowing my youngest would be in full time education.
I also asked for their help in ways i could teach him and help him overcome this as he is really good at home.
Was basically told no it had to be half days for a week and got no help with ways to work with my DS at home to overcome this problem.
By myself i searched google for ways and things to implement at home to help my child and have seen a good improvement at home. He now goes 3 or 4 days at school behaving and then he is naughty again. Today he pushed another child because he was playing with his best friend and again tried hitting the teacher when she told him off. He was then taken to the inclusion manager who told him off and he tried hitting her and throwing things.
Got a phone call saying i had to come get him and he was excluded for tomorrow.
When i got him the teacher took me into office and has now said he will be on half days for 2 weeks and they are moving him into the year 1 class to seperate him and his best friend. They have noticed all his bad behaviour is caused by jealousy when other children are near his best friend.
My DS is now really worried about tomorrow as he doesnt know anyone in year 1 and none of the teachers.
Im really concerned this isnt the best way but havent really been given a choice as the only alternative given was exclusion.

Im so upset. Im trying so hard to help my DS at home but dont know what else to do. I understand his behaviour wont change overnight but i have had to give up my job because school always say he may have to go home at lunch if he naughty so cant work my shift incase they call.
Any advice would be wonderful so my DS and me can overcome this problem.

[Butteredpars1ps]

I don't really have any advice, but I'm sure others posters will have ideas. This doesn't sound a great solution to me as your DS doesn't learn how to behave differently.

On the other hand, the school may need to approach this from the POV of keeping other children safe.

[mary21]

Number one ,are you in the U.K.
If so it's worth having a look at the IPSEA website. It's aimed at parents of children with special educational needs but has really good advise about exclusion and being called in to collect you child. You must check if what they are doing is legal.
Also arrange a meeting with the class teacher and school sencoI to work out a behavioural plan. I am not suggesting he has SEN but the SENCO is usually experienced in such things.
Some children find school over stimulating with so much noise and activity and can only communicate their internal stress by hitting out.

[ladyvimes]

Teacher here with experience of eyfs. The way the school is dealing with this is ridiculous!
Firstly the school can recommend half days but they cannot force it. They have to legally offer full time care.
Secondly, what does their behaviour policy say in regards to your son's behaviour? Has it been followed? Sending him home after bad behaviour is an exclusion and has to be properly documented as such. They cannot just send him home!
Moving him to year 1 is not a solution. The school should be putting steps in place to enable your son to stay in reception.
At the moment they are failing your son.

Have you spoken to the Senco? If not make an appointment to speak to them asap. Ask about the behaviour policy and what steps are being taken by the school to enable your child to learn to manage his anger.

For goodness sake your child is 4 and has been there only a few weeks. I am annoyed for you OP.

[43percentburnt]

Can I suggest you look at the summer born Facebook page too. There seems to be far more summer born boys labelled special needs then children born other times of the year. It may be that he is just too young at the moment. School starting age in the UK is 5 but your boy will only spend a month in class aged 5. Is his behaviour typical of a child just turned 4? Surely by putting him in year 1 his behaviour will appear 'worse' as he may be almost 2 years younger than some of the children (they have almost 50% more life experience then him).

Personally I would push for him to start reception 2017 when he is actually 5. Enjoy this year playing with him.

[Mishaps]

Good advice from ladyvines. Excluding a child of this age is nonsense - they would probably rather be at home anyway. Moving him to year 1 just blows the mind! - how is that going to help? He will be out of his depth academically - he was only 4 in June for goodness' sake! - and that will result in more bad behaviour. He will simply latch on to someone else as his best friend and everyone will be back to square one.

He is clearly demonstrating that he is not really ready for school and I think the only solution to that (if you have to work) is to find a different school - preferably a smaller one with a more sensitive (and sensible!) approach. This simply sounds like a bad school.

[TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA]

Brave yourself for a rocky ride, this school does not sound like the right place for your son.
If no paperwork
It is an illegal exclusion. You need to get this sorted ASAP as a first step.

[Laijen0622]

Thankyou all so much. As far as i am aware it is for 2 weeks half days in year 1 to see how it goes. Have already had a meeting with SENCO before first lot of half days. The SENCO BTW is the head teachers husband. I explained i wanted help and ideas instead of half days and he seemed to support the idea but DS's teacher said she would check with head. The head teacher has the final say on any temporary or permanant exclusions. She said hitting others is not acceptable... half days.
Also for this time they are putting all this in a letter as a formal part time exclusion. I agree that if he finds it hard tomorrow and acts out it gonna seem alot worse with 5 and 6 yr olds.
Also in reception they have a sensory room just built. I cant understand why when he was naughty they didnt take him in there to calm down and then chat to him. Have tried explaining that at home a distraction method works to take his mind off his outburst. Then he will usually listen to what he is told.
Will def go have a look at school policies and i do totally accept that other children must be kept safe. I know most of the parents and feel so bad when he does this that i always apologise to them.
The thing is that even the school and myself both agree that he is actually ready for school and bright. It is his relationship with his best friend that is the issue. They have known each other since they were 2 at nursery and both were quite shy so are each others security blankets. Have tried walking them to school seperately to see if it helps and give them time to walk with other kids. Both have made new friends but when he wants to play with her he get angry if he cant.
It is just this 1 thing that causing his bad behaviour.
Sorry if it doesnt make sense. School just seem to want change straight away and i dont want him in trouble at school. I cant give change straightaway... im so proud of what he has learnt in last few wks like saying im angry before he does anything.. using the "turtle" method... and understanding our chats at home and small consequences like no tv after school for 15mins if he had bad day. Know it not big punishment but as school have told him off and then having to talk with me and daddy about things i feel that he needs praise and love at home to compensate feeling like naughty boy.

[monkeywithacowface]

They are breaking the law by putting him on a part time table. Unless it is a formal exclusion (and it doesn't sound like it is) they absolutely cannot insist that he only does half days.

[Laijen0622]

I thought a formal exclusion meant that as long as they told me beforehand and i received a letter with all the info about what happened, why, course of action, and return date then it was a formal exclusion. Also trying to find info on half days in reception it seems to be a grey area as they can class them as transitional periods. It all so confusing.

[SisterViktorine]

Have you tried coming down like an absolute tonne of bricks at home?

My DS is August born and had some social difficulties at the start of Reception. With a joint plan of action, including sticker chart, daily feedback to me, god's own roasting at home if he pushed or hit (straight to room after school, out only for a plain tea) and on the flip side massive praise for a good day and a desired present at the end of a good week. He stopped repeating the negative behaviours within a few weeks.

I'm not saying this would be right for your DS, I teach children with autism so I know traditional reward/sanction behaviour shaping doesn't always work, but maybe you should try some very firm, clear feedback before assuming there are more complex issues at play.

[Laijen0622]

Thanks sisterviktorine. I have thought about harder punishments because i do not tolerate hitting but school had advised that i shouldnt because if he being told off at school and home then he cud become worse because he feels unloved by everyone. I make a point of making him say sorry to the child and the teacher the next morning and they say dont because today is a new day we dont dwell on yesterday. Honestly everything i get from this school in mixed messages. I have tried letting the school tell him off n missing play time and then when he comes home i explain that his behaviour is unacceptable and talk to him about what happened and why. Then tv taken away. Also have a reward chart and treats for hitting certain amounts. Have also not allowed him to walk to school with the child he hit the next morning explaining they are upset and hurt and hoping that he wud begin to understand that if he is mean his friends wont want to be his friend. At home he is brilliant and have also moved him bed time to 6.30 with storytime to allow bit more sleep to compensate for big school. Have also put him on home packed lunch because the school dinners usually have ice cream or donut or choc cake for afters. Didnt want the sugar hit to be adding to it all lol. Never had this prob at nursery with him. Just alot to deal with when school dont seem to take concerns onboard. Like at playtime... he will be in a playground with 5,6 n 7 yr olds as yr 1 n 2 share break but school wont allow is break with reception class for next 2 wks.

[Laijen0622]

My DD is in yr 6 at this school and have always been a really good school for her. Never any probs and she high level in her class. Altho she joined in yr 3 from a joininh infant school so never had to go thru first 3 yrs with this school before.

[43percentburnt]

Do check out the summer born websites. Your child is being excluded part time from a place he doesn't legally have to attend until next year!

[VANITYKM]

It might be good for you to try and arrange play dates with some of the kids in his class at weekends. Then you can see his behavior for yourself, and also he can be more secure in school feeling he knows other kids.

[Lymmmummy]

Does seem bizarre they can move him into YR1 if it's the UK state sector / appreciate issue of separating him from the child he finds it difficult to deal with but thus would indicate your child is a touch immature surely inappropriate to move him up a year with children who will be far more mature. Also the curriculum in yr1 would be totally different and far advanced from that of reception.

[goingmadinthecountry]

If he pushes/hits I imagine the school are quite within their rights to send him home each time - this will obviously impact on your ability to work. The school needs to go through a particular process. A formal exclusion can begin on the day he has the issue, then you'll need to attend a meeting before he starts back.

It sounds like he's being excluded for the safety of others - harsh, but you have to deal with it. I don't get the half day thing though - maybe the school is trying to give him a chance to be good for half the time so he doesn't have too many exclusions on his record.

If he's trying to hit adults at his age, that's a real worry. Speak to the SENCO because this needs sorting out now - he needs support.

[Laijen0622]

My DS had a really good day in yr 1 today. They said he was brilliant. I also received letter from school saying they have concerns over his attachment to his friend. He will start in yr 1 today and continue to do mornings and lunch and be collected at 12.30pm. This will continue and be monitored by his teacher who will meet with me in near future to review situation.
I do totally understand his behaviour needs to be sorted but so far still have not had one mention of anything the school are doing to help him specifically with this behaviour during school hours. Feel as if moving him to yr 1 for a while is not dealing with the issue and is more postponing it for few weeks. What happens if he good in yr 1 but problem comes back when he returns to reception. At home i have found these wonderful books at home for young kids. Alligator is angry, sheep is scared, hippo in happy and squirrel is sad. Stories dealing with feelings. Made a point of taking them into school and suggesting they buy some to read to children. They only 3 for a 5er. I am really trying at home but would like the school to help whilst he at school with ways to help as i cant control him during school hours. I can only work with him at home.

[TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA]

Is it because year one is less chaotic? Maybe he can't deal with the noise of reception?

[Witchend]

I suspect the real worry is the attacking the teacher when told off. Lots of year R do hit/bite/push each other at times, going for a teacher is relatively unusual.

I would suspect the move up to year 1 is for two reasons.

1. To separate him from his best friend which seems to be the trigger.
2. To give the children in year R a break-you may find parents have complained particularly if they've been hit more than once.

There is a third possible reason in that year 1 is much calmer than year R "learning through play" and they may feel that the calmer atmosphere may be helpful. My ds struggled with the noise in year R and loved year 1, and the school decided to move him up to year 2 during the craft afternoon which he found noisy and over stimulating, which tended to end with him stressed and upset. He loved it, so you may find he thinks he's got a treat.

I would point out to school on the sending home after he's hit though, what when he decides that's a quick way to get home? I suspect ds would have worked that out pretty quickly and as he'd prefer to be home with me it would have been counterproductive.
However half days may help because certainly for my ds I found the long day was a huge trigger. He struggled to hear against a noisy background, so by the afternoon he'd really switched off and found it difficult to cope with anything. Half days were much better for him. I regret not pushing for him to do them for longer.

One thing that is coming across to me though is that you're coming in as antagonistic to the school. You need to work together not against each other. Ask the school what they're doing to help, and what they feel you can do.
Made a point of taking them into school and suggesting they buy some to read to children could really come across as you pushing it all onto them. Fine take them in and say "I've found these. Do you think they'll be helpful? Do you have similar for school" comes across as "us working together" which is what needs to happen.

[Laijen0622]

Thanks witchend for your input on your experiences with your child. I think my wording came across abit wrong on the sentence lol. I had actually gone in this morning and asked them if this book i hsd found by joy berry would be helpful at home and they seemed shocked they had never heard off this series of books about feelings and the inclusion manager noted the author and book down. Had found out during the day that the publisher has stopped selling them in waterstones. They were 6.99 a book. So i made a point of going in at end of the day to show them the different ones i had found and that they were cheaper so suggested them so would save them some money if they were to get them ones. Just my brain trying to shorten what happened today into smaller sentences lol.

[Cabawill]

Is there any chance of an attachment disorder at all? My DD was exactly the same at the start of Reception. Luckily the teacher and TA were amazing and managed to settle her with certain techniques and ensuring no shaming consequences were used. By the return to school after Christmas holidays she was much better. Now in Y1 she is so much better without so much downtime and unstructured time.

[Cabawill]

Oh, sorry meant to say that we adopted her when she was 3.5 years old and she'd had a rough time previously.

[beautifulgirls]

I think you should be asking the school to involve an Ed Psych to come and see what is happening and what support can then be put in place for him. Excluding him without offering any support is not helpful. You must speak with IPSEA or similar and get advice about what the school are doing here. They may be keeping other children safe but it reads very much that they are currently failing your son. Consider looking at whether other nearby schools have places and may be a better fit?

[Naty1]

Sounds like my dd in first few weeks of school. Hitting and spitting at teacher when told off.
They put her on sticker chart there. I like pp was very strict at home too. And it improved a lot.
I also agree about the noise (there are 2x30 classes). Dd did have a lot of ear infections so it could be her hearing. Dd has akways played up a lot and unstructured does seem to cause it. She is very bright and inventive.
Basically im not sure the ratio of 1-15 or 1:30 etc suits all kids especially those summer born ones. Who at nursery would be getting more attention.
It is hard when its the school environment thats part of the problem.