Reception friendships

[Faz2015]

Hi... Need some advise...
My dd joined her school this year in reception.. And not having attended school nursery I was quiet kneen on her to make friends... In the first term I invited a few of the girls over for play dates, but they didn't reciprocate...
My dd has also been invited to only a handful of birthday parties during the whole year( while I'm aware there were many parties where she wasn't invited)...
Recently (2 weeks ago)I sent out her birthday invite to the class and only 4 have responded:-(( rest not sure if they will attend or not...

I'm always the first to initiate play dates abd although the other parents seem very friendly they don't cancel or just doesn't seem as egar to socialise as us...
And last month I suggested To a group of mums for end of year dinner... And 11 mums confirmed but last night half hour before dinner 9 of them cancelled... ( 2 turned up cos they felt bad when everyone started cancelling)
I'm always suggesting to play dates but no one ever asks us over or suggests meet up... Now I feel like a complete loser... my dd has a friend circle outside of school but I really wanted her to make some
Strong friendships in school... I feel like am I trying too hard?? Am I doing something wrong?? Not sure.. Just feel sad :-((as I know no one will come for play dates over summer..

[Faz2015]

Sorry for the typos

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Depending on personality it can be y1/2 before strong friendships are made. My son was extremely shy in Reception but has blossomed into someone who is invited to everything.

What do you know about the friendships that you have tried to encourage? Some children are just more compatible than others. Sometimes mums only socialise their kids with their friends' children.

[Faz2015]

My dd is very outgoing... She is also above average in her class... The children whom I tried encouraging friendships with are the children my dd plays with... I just feel like a complete loser for trying so hard to be inviting... Esp after last night I feel really embarrassed and sad as to why 9 mums would cancel dinner thst was prearranged a month ago... And one of the mums was my dds so called "best friend' mum..who suggested the restaurant in the first place...

[ROSY2016]

I am having the same situation, where my dd attend the same school which she went nursery for two years. Although children are friendly with her ,their parents are decision maker whether to invite for birthday or play date. I felt really bad , when one mum handed over a lots of birthday invitation to the class teacher in front all children, my dd asked her daughter whether she has been invited for the birthday party. she hasn't been invited for that party.

Even though i invited for birthday parties they don't bother or didn't attend without informing.

[Faz2015]

My dd is in the same situation.. So I decided to be proactive... But obviously that didn't work either... I'm really beginning to think it's us :-((

[milothemonkey]

Same situation. I was very proactive but have given up. I made (what I thought was) a friend with one of the mums. Asked her loads of times for a Playdate but she always makes excuses. I'm not sure what I or ds have done wrong. Whenever anyone has been to ours, the playdates went well. My ds has no friends out of school.

[jaykay34]

Honestly, don't think this is down to you. Parent cliques can be very hard to infiltrate - and although it's horrible when it affects your children, dont take it personally.

Looking back, I was probably in the "in-clique" at the infant school, although I didn't really see it that way at the time. I just realise it now, as I was friendly with a big group of mums and my children got invited to a lot of parties. I also attended some of the parent's birthdays and weddings.

My children left and went to a different junior school, rather than the usual follow on from their infant school. My daughter was popular in her new class and made friends easily,but never got invited to anything as I wasn't part of the already formed clique. One of her second cousins, who was in her class had a birthday party where my daughter wasn't invited - instead she got invited to a separate day out ! I just grew a thick skin and accepted it. On the other hand, my son's new friends parents were totally different and far more accepting. He was part of a solid group and always included.

I love it now they are at secondary school and you don't get all the parent politics. Much easier !

[Faz2015]

Thank you... You both are right.. It is very sad and hard to explain to a 5 ur old why they don't get invited...but saying that I think going forward I'll just keep myself to myself

[ROSY2016]

in my opinion, at least they should give the invitation out of school, if all the children are not invited to the party. I try to explain her ,all the children can't go all the parties.

[orangeblosssom]

I think you may be projecting your own thoughts about frienships on your daughter. Your own anxiety may have an effect on how she views friendships. At her age, friendships will be very fluid and cannot be forced.

[Faz2015]

My dd doesn't have any issues making friends... She has her best friends... It's the parents who are excluding her...

[LotsOfDots]

That's such a shame, it sounds like you have made lots of effort on your DDs behalf. I've been lucky at our school as my DC went to a different nursery than everyone else, but both classes seemed to adopt the policy of inviting either the whole class to birthday parties, or all the girls/boys for the first year, which meant no one felt excluded.

[ROSY2016]

"My dd doesn't have any issues making friends... She has her best friends... It's the parents who are excluding her".

I agree with that. My dd is very confident and sociable girl, She has a lot of friends at school, but when it comes to parties and play dates they don't include her. They all have a small clique. The mums greets and smile nicely at the school run. Apart from that they don't invite her out of school.

[waddleandtoddle]

The same is happening to my DS. Everyone came to his party at the beginning of the school year, but he wasn't invited to more than 5 himself. For me, to make things worse, my colleague has a DS in the same class and year, and he gets invited to all the parties. The plus side is I don't have my weekends committed to my sons social life, but I am sad I'm not part of the so called 'in' mums crowd.

The differences I've noticed are, the other mums are local to this area and I am not. So they've been to school together as kids or move in similar social circles. The other is, those that have had held their child's party at their large house in the country have automatically become part of the 'in crowd' - good stock for your kids to be friends with.

I just keep a brave face, say morning to everyone and hope as time passes this will be a fleeting, unfounded worry!

Feel better for airing already!

[FrancesHaHa]

Do these other mums work?

My Dd is in reception, and to be honest I'd struggle to have time to arrange lots of play dates, nights out - both DP and I work/ study full time. However, I wouldn't be so rude as to agree to something and then pull out at the last minute.

She's also only been invited to a few birthday parties, but whole class parties don't seem to be a thing here, so I just tell her that not everyone can be invited to everything, and she seems fine with this.

The way I've thought about it is that once she's a bit older and established firmer friendships she can invite friends home for tea etc. At the moment it's more in the hands of the parents, so those parents who have known each other longer are bound to hang about together.

[BackforGood]

I don't think anyone is excluding her.
I've had 3 dc all long since go through Reception, but we rarely had people back for tea as we all have busy lives - work,getting dc to various things, things we volunteer for or take part in ourselves.

[sirfredfredgeorge]

Like the others I think you've got a slightly muddle-headed view of friendships and what the kids do with friendships at that age. I think you're over-forcing it. My experience of play-dates at that age tend to be because the parents get on and want to socialise, not because the kids want to, that comes later. Most of the socialising the kids do is by going to the park after school and playing there.

There's not any whole class going out to dinners, or stuff like that, lots of kids are off doing clubs (where they may well see their class mates) or they go to bed at 7pm and want to actually be seen by their family.

A few years before your want to force it.

[jamdonut]

I've never heard of class parents all going out for dinner in any year!!!!

I don't like the 'play dates ' term, it sounds too much like forcing friendships.

Wait till you hear one child's name being mentioned all the time by your child, then ask them if they want to come for tea. See where it goes from there...they may have changed friends by the following week!

[SoThisIsSummer]

Op I have no advice. Not responding to invites, all the rest of it has been the horrid side of DC at school.

Mine is 8 and her BF mum is useless at getting back to me re play dates. I have dd begging me, when mummy when and after TWO TEXTS SENT, + BRIEF chat in play ground what conclusions can one come too?

The mum doesnt want them playing, what? My dd is begging me wondering the hell is going on. I bat her off, tell her the mum must be busy, but I am furious.

Then about THREE WEEKS later, I get a casual, "Soz didn't get back sooner, naughty mummy, yes lets arrange something" CUE another week of awkward texting from me, um WHEN WHERE HOW?!

Its excruciating and its small children we are talking about here

[SoThisIsSummer]

Op something one of our mums does, its pre term get togethers of other dc in the class ie invite about 3/4 dc get a craft for them to do?

[Faz2015]

Thank you all... Some of the mums are stay home... And my dd and I have and I have a very busy schedule... But I also think my dds social interaction is important... And i don't invite every child from the class, only the few who my dd is very close to in class.. They other parents will happily come to ours, but they don't reciprocate...
As for the mums dinner... The mums in our reception go regularly out for dinner but in their little groups... The dinner I organised was because a group of mums instigated it, asking me to organise... When I did it was with mutual consent.. They suggested the date and tge venue and then on the night they all cancelled an hour before the reservation...( and none cancelled because of any emergency...)Which I think is out of order... As it was preplanned... Even yesterday some of those mums who cancelled were Suggesting another dinner... And were suggesting to meet over summer holidays.. But i know I won't get a single text from anyone... And if I organise something... There will be last min cancellations...

As for the birthday party invites, it's fair enough not everyone can do whole class invite, but the parents should be discreet... And as for the invites we sent our 2 weeks ago for my dds birthday, only 6 have responded and 25 haven't...!! So what do I do now?

I think it just comes down to poor manners and lack of respect for other ppl...

It's so difficult to explain to a 5 yr the unnecessary drama of the school play grounds...

I