Year 1 Class List

[Lolababy30]

I wrote this and, as I don't have a blog, I thought this would be the best place to share it:

I am sad for my little girl today, sad and worried. She found out yesterday that, from her little group of friends, she is the only one to go in a different class for Year 1. According to her teacher everything was done so that all children moved to their new classes with at least one friend, but that didn’t happen for my daughter and I’ve been told bottom line is nothing will be done about it; they’re sure she’ll be fine as she is a very sociable little girl.
This was not for them to decide. For a 5 year old the step from Reception to Year 1 is a big and daunting one and to know they’re doing it alone, well that must be downright frightening. It’s true, my daughter IS bubbly and sociable and makes friends with ease, but so was I. The socially awkward, introverted loner who feels inadequate and like she doesn’t quite ever fit in is the adult version of me. People knocked the sociable right out of me by bullying me for my weight and taking advantage of my good hearted nature, stepping all over me as they saw fit. I know my daughter isn’t me, but I know what it is like to be my daughter and I am terrified this experience may tarnish some of that bubbly bright light of hers. I am also worried it may spoil her incredible hunger for learning and her love for school in general. So how can her teachers, who see everything I see, just brush off what could turn out to be such a huge influence on everything my daughter is and knows? Maybe she WILL be fine and it is the little girl in me who is stepping into those shoes and is sad and panicked about the situation, because that is how I would have felt in this situation. Either way, it was not something to be taken so lightly and certainly not something to be dismissed so carelessly. I would have not taken such a chance with my daughter’s future and happiness.

[DrSeuss]

Go back to the school and don't quit till you have this sorted out. If you really feel so strongly, tell them. Tell the Governors if necessary. Make an appointment with the Head. With my teacher hat on, fussy parents can be a pain. With my mum hat on, I'd make a fuss till they fixed it.

[MsInterpret]

IMO It sounds like you are projecting a little too much of your experience onto her.

Her teachers have weighed up all that they know about her, as well as dozens of other considerations to put together the best classes for the children, teachers and resources that they have.

If she is a sociable, bubbly girl that is really positive and doesn't necessarily need to change. Support the school, unless you have any other reasons to doubt their competency. Be positive about the new opportunities for new friends and different dynamic in the class.

[timeforachangeofusername]

My daughter had exactly the same happen to her. I was concerned but decided not to do anything. She had such a brilliant year and made so many new friends and experiences as a result. Please try not to worry.

[Lolababy30]

timeforachangeofusername Thank you for your comment, it is reassuring to know it has happened to someone else's little one and they were just fine :-)

MsInterpret is probably right and I am projecting, though the school did admittedly mess up as they told me they made sure each child would go into their new class with at least one friend (of their choice) and that didn't happen for my daughter...

[steppemum]

a couple of years ago, I would have said she'll be fine, she'll make new friends, don't fuss etc.

But this happened to dd when they mixed their year 4 class up going into year 5. I didn't realise how unhappy she was until later.
Now, as a pp said with my mum hat on, go back and say

• you said each child had one friend. Which friend is it that you have put dd with? If there is no friend, then you can follow that up with, she needs a friend. You promised, you stated, with good reason, that each one would have a friend, so where is HER friend?

[Lolababy30]

steppemum That is exactly what I said, but tune changed into 'she will make NEW friends' and that classes may be mixed up again in years to come anyway. I was clearly told that they will NOT change things regardless so unless I kick up a fuss as suggested by DrSeuss I don't see what else I can do, but hope she'll be OK

[Footle]

How many classes are there in her year group ? Sounds as if there must be at least 3 - one for her with no
friends ( yet ), and two for all the others. Very strange.

[Footle]

How many classes are there in her year group ? Sounds as if there must be at least 3 - one for her with no
friends ( yet ), and two for all the others. Very strange.

[Lolababy30]

Footle There are three reception year classes which are moving forward into 3 Year 1 classes. Instead of moving them forward as they were, they jumbled them up.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Is there any possibility that for whatever reason either her 'friends' or their parents asked for her not to be in her class? I have never done this with a friend, however on one occasion I have asked for my child not to be with another child because my dc was having nightmares about this childwho had been quite unpleasant over a long period of time. I am not saying that this happened but it is a possibility.

[Lolababy30]

shouldwestayorshouldwego Both mums of dd's closest friends are my friends, we were all hoping they'd be in the same class so that is not what happened here. As for the other two girls who were part of the group I can't say, but neither of those two were dd's choice anyway and one of them also ended up in another group...

[redskytonight]

How does your daughter actually feel? And who is the friend that the teacher thinks she's moved up with 9bear in mind the teacher might note friendships that you know nothing about)? My DC have been through a school system where classes have been mixed every year and, whether by design or not, they are generally split up from close friends - and every year DD tells me she hates her new class, only to make new friends and love it by Christmas. She still has friends that she made in Reception (now Y5) that she may only have been in the same class with for a year or 2. Why not see this as a positive rather than assuming it must be a negative?

[sparepantsandtoothbrush]

I also think you're massively projecting but I do sympathise as the same happened to my DD at the same age. I think it's a different situation to steppemum's as 4/5 year olds tend to make new friends easier than year 5's who have had the same set of friends for years usually. My DD had one of the best years she had in the end and made lots of new friends before the end of the first week.

[madambutterbean]

OP we're in exactly the same situation.

DD is in reception and has been part of a close knit group of 4 girls all year. Really lovely girls, no falling outs. She talks about them incessantly and they all make a beeline for each other every morning.

At parents evening we asked whether they would be kept with friends and were told she'd be with at least one.

Lo and behold we get the new class list for year 1 and DD is going into one class, the other 3 girls into the other. It really upset me.

However. DD is far more philosophical about it than me, has said she can still see her friends at break and lunch. I've also searched old mumsnet threads where the consensus has been that it's us as parents who tend to be more upset and they almost always make new friends as well as still seeking out the old ones. Have you spoken to your DD about it?

[Lolababy30]

madambutterbean (Love the username by the way) so glad I am not alone! I did speak to DD and though she replied with the exact same answer as yours (will see them at lunch etc...) she was rather sad. Before going in guns blazing I asked her if she was OK with it or if she wanted me to see if I could do something and she asked me to try so I did. So I do wonder if the philosophical reply is most likely regurgitated BS teachers have been feeding them to avoid a fuss

[Witchend]

I totally agree with you.

My experience is that they won't change it because if they change one they'll change them all.

Our school doesn't ask them to name a few friends. They have to name 10. yes, 10. Think of yourself in an office of 30 people, would there really be 10 people you would regard as close friends? Not for most people. And more importantly: not for the child who struggles socially who needs the comfort of a friend, possibly for the social queen bee types who will happily make new friends anyway.

I firmly believe from having children going through this that in time it will be shown that this is detrimental to the children that need the social help the most. I have seen it with my children, I have seen it with other children.

I have seen no children split from a friend where the friendship isn't toxic who have benefitted being split from their friends. They may make other friends-not all do. But is it really a positive thing for a child to lose a good group of friends? Teachers are effectively playing God over the friendships deciding which ones continue.
Because it is rare for children to continue with a good friendship, however strong, when they're not in the same friend. And actually, having had a child who did, it causes it's own issue.

I have seen the situation where it has caused huge issues. Rather than encouraging the less confident ones to make friends, it goes totally the other way; they are unable to make lasting friendships. It also causes children who struggle with change, and plenty who don't usually, extra stress at a time of the year which can be stressful anyway.

People will respond with "oh I'm sure your school isn't doing it carefully enough." I'm sure they're doing it as carefully as they can, and entirely in line with other schools.

[t4gnut]

Contrary to your belief, yes it was for them to decide.

Anything to do with what happens in the school is for the school to decide. You can give your opinion. You can express your concerns. You can come and moan on a forum whilst everyone around you clucks at how awful it is.

But it's not your decision.

[user789653241]

I know it's not parents' decision, but it's really hard.
My ds finally had a best friend this year, after 3 years of social difficulty. Then now they will be separated next year. I am heart broken. He was so happy this year. I know he will survive, and he is ok about it. but still....

[Lolababy30]

t4gnut Erm... Ouch. By any chance do you work in a school? I wasn't 'moaning', I am simply a concerned parent who is not looking for people to 'cluck' but for some advice from people who have been there, from people who feel the same or simply for people to point out that, yes, maybe I AM overreacting. And as far as I am concerned, EVERYTHING regarding my child and her wellbeing entitles me to an opinion on the matter.

irvineoneohone Sorry to hear about your son, but maybe the time for social difficulty has passed and he'll make new friends sooner than you think?

Witchend Well said

[t4gnut]

Sorry I'm a bit grouchy today.....

[user789653241]

Thank you Lola. I hope so.

t4gnut, have some and relax!

[Galena]

It could well be that the teacher has seen that, when the 3 of them are together, it is not a healthy relationship. It could be that one child dominates, or that 1 child is dominated over. It could also be that they are so dependent on each other that when one or two is/are off, the others struggle. It could even be that, in class, they distract/are distracted if they are together.

As a teacher, you often have to make judgement calls - I have said in the past 'X and Y are good friends, but I think it would be best if they are separated next year.' You can't always explain that to the parents though as you cannot discuss a child with another child's parents.

I would be fairly sure the school has thought carefully about the classes and feel they have made the best choice.

Remember, you are looking back with your adult eyes, having had a bad experience when you were, presumably, rather older than 5. At 5, you would probably have taken it in your stride.

[bangingmyheadoffabrickwall]

Schools do not always make the best decisions; I know because I work in a school and my friends/colleagues have experience of this.

One friend's DS was in a Y1/YR class as a YR child. He went up with some friends; not a problem. When it came to moving to Y1, the HT kept the DS in the same Y1/YR class as a Y1 and moved ALL his YR friends to a different Y1 class. Friend's DS did have other Y1 children in his 'not-so-new' class from the YR class but damage was done; the child was upset, was bullied by his peers for being kept back in the baby class and the children who moved into the Y1 class from the YR class were 'not his friends'. It took almost all year for the school to 'admit' they made an error of judgement when my friend wrote a series of letters, the last one threatening further action because they did not take into account her son's emotional needs and were not looking out for his welfare - blah, blah, blah. Now, a list of names has went into school at the request of the HT to ensure friend's DS goes into a class with some of his friends.

Another friend/colleague's DD was split from all of her YR friends on entry to Y1. They were a group of 5 and she was the only one to go into a separate class. She is now entering Y5 and because the children she went into the Y1 class were already 'friends', she never found her feet socially and is now the 'outsider' in her class circle. Still, 4 years on, she is very unhappy.

If the school openly said the children WOULD be placed in a Y1 class with at least 1 friend of their choice, and did not follow that through with your child, I would complain to school, lay on thick the emotional, social and welfare needs of your child and remind them that they are responsible for 'that' as much as the academic element of school and also, they made the mistake and therefore they need to ensure they 'fix it'.

However, it is tricky to move your child about especially if other parents and children know their class teacher for Y1 and the class sizes are at the maximum because the only way that could be done is if there was space or other children would have to move which would cause further complaints from the parents of moved children - IYSWIM!

Class organisations is the stuff of nightmares for schools. No matter how they do it, someone complains.

[Lymmmummy]

I feel your pain because exactly the same thing has happened to my son

My issue was that school had sent a letter out with the school list indicating that they had taken account of pupil voice and friendship groups then proceeded to dump my son off in a class with none of his friends

I wouldn't have minded if they had just decided on other criteria or if they were say streamed or whatever it is not the mixing up of children that bothers me more that they want to use cuddly criteria that are only used for certain kids and not others

I did approach the school - response was dreadful to be honest did not address the issues at all and had no intention of making any changes - we are relocating soon and cannot wait to get away from the place

[Lolababy30]

Lymmmummy The response I got was pretty much the same which is partly what angered me, unfortunately, as bangingmyheadoffabrickwall pointed out, it isn't easy for them to move things around as all classes are at maximum capacity and unless there's another unhappy child able to switch with my daughter then they're stuck.
I am not in any way trying to excuse them because they did mess up. I think at the end of the day they couldn't fit everyone and their best friend in the class spaces available and so decided my daughter, being sociable, would be just fine if left out.
At least you'll be rid of them soon, I am stuck with them and have to hope my daughter is more resilient than I was. If not you can be sure I'll be raising hell having words with the HT.