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Move or not? WWYD?

(16 Posts)
dulcefarniente Fri 17-Jun-16 22:20:28

Yr 3 dd is in a small (80 pupil) village school. There is one girl who has caused issues throughout her time in the school with a number of the children. The yr 3 girls are constantly falling out and getting into fights and this girl seems to be the instigator of much of it. My dd gets upset by children being picked on and will wade in on their behalf. The other girl is always saying hurtful things to dd, pushing her about and trying to provoke her. When she succeeds dd used to lash out. This was addressed by the school in as much as dd (rightly) being told that lashing out was unacceptable and the class being given a general chat on playing nicely. Dd has tried removing herself from the situation but when she does the other children follow her and wind her up. I have asked on numerous occasions about why the children are allowed to harrass other children (it is not just my dd that experiences it). The only action that is taken is for the children to be told not to do it. There is no monitoring of it in the playground to ensure that it doesn't happen.

As a result there has been no let up in the harrassment. The children are offered the ability to go into the classroom if they are being picked on but that doesn't seem to do anything towards resolving the situation. The school says they cannot get involved in playground disputes and the children have to learn to get on with each other. Obviously they do need to learn to get on with each other but this hands off approach does not seem to be working.

Dd is very demoralised and can't see that the situation will ever improve. She feels that the other girl gets away with little or no censure but that she loses out by being provoked endlessly by her until she snaps and gets punished. In a small school it is very difficult to get away from your tormentor. Dd has been asking for months to move to another school but I thought it was important to try to learn to ignore the provocation but this isn't working and dd has no confidence in her ability to rise above it.

Is this time to move? Wwyd?

Misty9 Fri 17-Jun-16 22:24:02

No parental experience as my eldest starts school this September, but I was bullied as a child and my parents wanted to move me but I didn't want the disruption. I regret it.

If she wants to move and the school don't seem to be taking you seriously, I would do it. Or at least look into the other options. Children can be so horrible to each other sad

dulcefarniente Fri 17-Jun-16 22:32:01

We're looking into other options but it's such a big decision.

mymatemax Fri 17-Jun-16 22:38:21

There will be a tormentor and groups of kids that follow in every school. I would try to work with the school to work with your dd to change how she reacts to the behaviour of others. It's hard, I know I moved my dc & really my dc was a big part of the problem. Never the instigator but certainly their reaction played a part on the relationship with the other kids.

dulcefarniente Fri 17-Jun-16 23:04:36

mymate I take your point and that's what has held me back so far. However it's been 4 years and is getting worse. I've lost confidence in the school's ability to manage the situation or to work with us to improve things. Dd used to love going to school but now she dreads it and her work is suffering. When I see her in the playground she wanders miserably around on her own, head down whilst the other girls congregate elsewhere. She's a different child when she's away from her tormentor. She's involved in a range of groups with other children outside of school and with them she is happy, mixes well and there are no issues.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain Fri 17-Jun-16 23:33:16

I would move, I think the school's argument that they don't get involved in playground stuff is very very poor,.

Go with your dd take a look at some other schools.

NoMudNoLotus Sat 18-Jun-16 00:46:02

Move her.

The attitude of the school is appalling - when my DD in YR 4 was having a similar experience the school was very proactive and actually resolved things.

It is completely out of order that they neglect your DDs emotional wellbeing at play times .

NoMudNoLotus Sat 18-Jun-16 09:40:21

Lady stark the school Do decide whether it is a safeguarding issue - if they deem it to be a safeguarding issue they refer on.

SS then conduct their assessments to decide re** child in need / child protection/ family support etc .

mymatemax Sat 18-Jun-16 10:20:41

Dulcefarniante if the school really won't work with you then move her. You know your dd best

EarthboundMisfit Sat 18-Jun-16 20:32:59

I am generally all for working with children to manage situations like this, but in your case I would look at other schools, and explain to the current school why you are doing so. I'd keep a close eye at a new school to ensure your DD doesn't fall into the same pattern of intervening constantly...while laudable, it isn't working for her.

Mottled Sat 18-Jun-16 21:04:27

She sounds so unhappy I would move her, I should imagine that moving to a bigger school would be the best idea. There can't be many opportunities to join different friendship groups in a school that small.

PolaroidsFromTheBeyond Sat 18-Jun-16 21:09:01

She sounds very unhappy and the school sound very ineffective in dealing with the issue. I would move her.

It does feel like a massive decision but remember that kids move schools all the time for all sorts of reasons and most of them settle very quickly. When we moved house my DD moved from a very small village primary to a large 3 form entry school and she thrived. I agonised about it but she took it in her stride.

bojorojo Sat 18-Jun-16 21:16:05

I too would move her. I think the notion that children in village schools are somehow nicer than other children is not necessarily true! I think the school is abdicating responsibility. In any school, playground supervision is vital. Even more so if they know there are issues. I guess the teachers do not want to give up their time, but in good schools playground difficulties are taken seriously. I think the school finds the disagreements petty so does not bother to improve anything other than doing the bare minimum. A bigger pool of possible friends is a good idea.

RaeSkywalker Sat 18-Jun-16 21:17:34

Yes, I would move her. The school aren't handling this at all- time to cut your losses.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 18-Jun-16 21:20:16

Move her, I moved my DD at the end of YR3 and best thing I did, she was being bullied, was being investigated for Aspergers school was useless at supporting her and we had enough, also a small school

Pythonesque Sun 19-Jun-16 07:56:00

Get her out. If the school thinks they shouldn't intervene in "playground disputes" then it will only get worse, especially amongst girls. I spent much of primary at a school where the head insisted girls be left to sort themselves out in the playground and only after did my parents hear how there'd been girls in every year seriously affected by the bullying that went on.

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