feeling low - playground mums!(15 Posts)
I'm feeling lonely at the moment as i'm a sahm and was hoping to make some friends in the playground....(yes with hindsight probably bit naive of me!).......well anyway started off well and made a few friends from dd nursery class...however in reception one of the girls hit my daughter twice and my dd told the teacher. Im guessing there was some sort of disagreement before she hit my dd but my dd at that time was not so good at letting me know.
Since then the girls mum stopped inviting me to any of the activities the 'original nursery group' were organising. I have since noticed other mums who used to be friendly with me no longer being friendly .....im putting two and two together but i guess my dd has been bad mouthed.
I'm feeling a little insecure as a lot these mums seem to know each other and now when i speak to any of the mums i feel i have to make a 'good' impression.
I also feel sorry for my dd as she is academically bright however socially has found it difficult to make friends...although is improving but no where near as socially confident as some of the other girls. So i was hoping if i could make a network of sorts that would bring with it playdates etc.
Now i have mentioned to some of the other mums about meeting up however have not had many positive replies, not sure if i'm being paranoid but cant help feeling my dd has been bad mouthed!
Any advice from some playgound pros? To date i havent mentioned to anyone what happened in reception to any of the mums (prefer to avoid conflict/talking about others behind their back etc) but now im thinking maybe i should say she was hit in reception but not mention names.....................
sorry to ramble on ......just wanted a few friends for my dd !
I don't think mentioning your dd was hit in the past get you anywhere.
If you know who are your dd's closest friend, can't you invite them over or ask to go to the park together?
Also if you are sahm, maybe you can join pta? They seems to have great network of Mum friends, and their children seems close as well.
Definitely get involved in the PTA. Just help out. Invite her friends over for play dates. Just generally take it slow though. Don't fret that you're not being included etc just yet. I find that the people who are friends with you first are often those that have issues of one kind or another.
Eventually the sort of people who get along best find each other.
For me, joining the PTA was a great experience. Just didn't get involved in politics of any kind. Got on with helping, got to meet great parents from other years who I wouldn't have met otherwise, got to know the school and staff.
I second get involved with PTA. Accept you won't be best pals with everyone and you might be surprised who turns out to be a reliable buddy.
I work full time so it is hard work to build a network when you're not hanging around in the playground. But it can be done.
If I was you and didn't have to rush off to work, just invite someone back to yours/café for coffee after drop off and /or invite someone round to play for a bit after school. If it doesn't pan out, invite someone else next time.
What do you have to lose?
Sometimes it looks like a clique it's just people who have chatted before being polite to one another.
Another vote for PTA. They will appreciate your help and you will get to know lots of other people to say hi to in the playground most have social events too. When my kids started school we knew nobody having just move t the area and PTA was a great route in.
Also, assuming there ar 30 kids in th class and many more in the year group, that gives you a lot more kids and parents to befriend. I found I had to go through several people and groups before I made genuine friends. I would give up on these mums now if I was you. There are likley 200 other mums at the school that you could be pals with!
Define being friendly? If you want to make friends you're going to have to put yourself 'out there' so to speak. Not everyone is going to want to be your friend and not everyone is that good at making friends. I've not experienced any issues with school mums as such there is one who ignores me - but she ignores pretty much everyone no idea why. I've just chatted to lots of the mums and organised to have some children round - you need to be specific not just it would be nice to have your DD round for tea some time but suggest date and time. Don't take it personally if people are a bit hit and miss - getting kids ready in the morning can be really stressful and some people will then be dashing off to work.
Facebook can be great - a friend of mine new to the area has created one for the parents of children in her son's class. You can use it to keep track of homework, dress up days etc. She's definitely used it to 'network' and to develop her social life.
A lot of the mums will know each other that's normal - Mums at my school know each other for loads of reasons e.g. used to go to school together, neighbours, colleagues, friends etc. By the time my youngest starts school I will know loads of school mums - I've been doing the school run for years so I should. It doesn't mean they don't want to know you it just means you feel a bit on the outside initially which is also normal but don't let it stop you from talking to people.
Also consider other activities - its good to develop friendships that are't just based around school - my little girl does dancing, but what about rainbows? If you're in a position to help out I expect it would be another avenue for you too.
Thank you all so much for your replies. Really helpful to hear your thoughts. I will look into pta and also think about children at rainbows.
I'm finding it hard as i feel sad my dd has been bad mouthed about as she is a really kind lovely girl (teachers say the same about her) ....but a girl who finds making friends difficult!
Thank you all again ......i will go on trying :-)
When my DS2 started pre-school/reception I already knew a lot of the Mums through DS1's friendship group, so was expecting an easy ride into the social scene. However DS2 was much more of a handful than DS1 so my ready made friendship group slowly started to exclude us. However I think I exacerbated the situation by feeling sensitive about what others thought at his behaviour, and projecting a lack of confidence. (Couldn't help that - just my personality - sounds like you might be similar).
It was hard at the time, but DS2 soon settled down and made new friends. It helped that they mixed the classes up at the end of Year 1, because he got to make a fresh start.
For a while, when I was feeling a bit elbowed out, rather than trying to join the playground posse at pick-up/drop-off I made a point of chatting to other people who were on their own - not just potential "friends" but also dads, grannies, nannies. I felt less alone that way, and I think they appreciated it too.
As your DD gets older she will make her own friends and you'll be able to invite them round without their mums being there, so it doesn't matter how well you know them. Some you'll get on with and others you won't.
Now DS2 is in Year 4 and while I'm still not part of the "in crowd" I've got a small group of good buddies - people who I just got along with in the playground and eventually ended up going for coffee. In some cases their DCs don't get on with my DS too well, but that doesn't matter. He's got some good buddies too, and I'm not pally with all of their mums - there doesn't have to be a correlation between your friendships and your DCs.
Just wait. Your dd will make friends of her own choosing by year 3. Children change friends when they are in reception or year 1, you don't need to befriend people or have play dates.
I notice a lot of parents don't make much efforts in play dates or going to the park after school or they can't bc They work. I am quite active though on helping my daughter make friends. She is in nursery and starts reception September. I find you have to be proactive. I'm not trying to make friends with the mums, because I have my own friends outside of the school. It does help if I like the mums, but sometimes it's the nanny of the kids that are there. Anyway, I try and question my daughter who does she play with, who does she like. I have set up play dates like that. I am also very friendly to the kids that she mentions and plays with. I always say hi to them. And they usually want to chat or show me something. I take the time to listen and respond. The kids that do go to the park regularly after school (2 or 3 out of 30!). I always say hi to in the park, ask if they want to play with my DD and encourage my DD to play with them. The reason is i want my daughter to make friends with the kids in her class and enjoy school etc. It seems to be working as all the kids always call out to my DD whe they see her. At this age, I think it is more up to the parent to make the effort. If I left it up to my daughter I don't think she would have set up any play dates on her own 😉 Plus after the play dates I notice the kids seem to play more together as they become more familiar w each other. Next school year I will have to do this whole thing again as the intake doubles so the class with be full of new kids!
When DD was in reception (now yr2) she had difficulty making friends due to a speech delay. As soon as she was old enough I had her in Rainbows and we've never looked back. She has friends in Rainbows and brownies from other schools and also older girl friends from her own school. Her confidence is absolutely amazing now! The best thing for DD was when she was invited to a birthday party of a fellow brownie (not from her school) and got to tell everyone at school how brill it was.
I have made some fantastic friends who were parents of my sons' friends. In some cases the kids have moved apart as they've grown up, but I'm still friends with the Mums because the kinds of people I choose to become friends with aren't the kinds of people who have "fallings out" with each other over trivial things, and are intelligent and adult enough to realise that kids' friendships are fluid, and not let it affect our friendship.
It takes time though - just chat to lots of different people in the playground, and invite kids over and eventually you will find a few parents that you "click" with.
queenoftheboys- yes i have wondered about exactly what you have said....after all this girl hit my dd and i still didnt say anything to the mum and probably wouldnt have let it impact the relationship however she pushed me out of the group ! I kept thinking they are only 5 still learning the ropes etc. Thank you for your input on this!
Lets see how things go...............
Perhaps it was a misunderstanding? And you should never be afraid to mention something to a friend. My good friend's daughter and mine are best friends. Once at nursery her daughter shut the bathroom door on my daughters finger, causing the nail yo turn black. I had no worry about texting my friend to let her know and to ask her to mention to her daughter to be careful and not to shut the door on other people fingers etc. And once my friend told me about my daughter poking a pencil at her daughter! We are still God friends and our daughters our still best friends. They play with each other outside of school almost every day or me and my friend meet up. We became friends through our daughters as well. We were not friends first. So the point is. You can make good friends with your daughters parents, but don't be afraid if you need to tell them something, like if their daughter hit your daughter etc. If you r so worried about their reaction, they are not a true friend. And I've never had a falling out with a friend. I just don't get that. I have had many friends for many years. True, some grow apart when u leave country etc. But we still meet up if we are visiting or they are visiting. But I guess peop,e are different.
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