What to do about bullies who pretend to nice?

[comfortseeker]

Thank God this s only a short term. Anyway in the last few weeks there s a girl constantly isolates and underminds my dd in group works while no adults watching. But she always gives fake friendly smiles to my dd in front of the teachers afterwards. My dd self-esteem s been affected quite bad recently as she feels no adults will believe and support her. As my dd thinks that because that bully is in top set and is popular with teachers so the adults will take her side. I will need talk to the teacher but what to say?

[comfortseeker]

Sorry about typos as using smartphone only.

[NynaevesSister]

Just explain what you've said here. Do make it about your daughter - the relationship she has with this girl is undermining her self esteem and that is definitely affecting her ability to learn. Let them know what happens when they are alone. Say you are trying to help your daughter work out how to navigate the situation but you would appreciate any advice the teacher had and you were wondering if this could perhaps be brought up in a general sort of way during circle time (or whatever the equivalent is at the school).

[Lurkedforever1]

I would tell the teacher your Dd's side, and ask them to discreetly monitor it and find out what's happening.

We had very similar, except the other girl would start it and then play the poor victim when dd retaliated. Dd being the honest sort never tried hiding her response and would admit to what she'd done when poor victim made a fuss about mean dd, whilst denying what dd accused her of, so it always appeared dd was in the wrong. But a quick chat with the teacher solved it, they kept a discreet eye on their interactions and caught out poor victim starting it. Which meant that when she then moved onto other victims they were aware. And vindicated another dc who'd been blamed prior to dd for upsetting poor little victim, when like dd he'd only ever defended himself.

[comfortseeker]

It s true that my dd s not the 1st victim. But this girl seems to focus on one child at a time. When dd and her friends outside school i ve heard that dd's friends said this girl s quite mean so they stay away from her at playtime. She does play victim too.