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Feel my son is being ignored...

(18 Posts)
blueberry1972 Tue 15-Mar-16 21:03:47

Very, very late summer born DS in Y3.

He's always been praised for his good behaviour, willingness and empathy towards his classmates

But, while he's improved he's not meeting the expected levels of attainment.
In every year group he's been sat next to a child who wonders around and/or is disruptive to the class etc.

The school reward children each half term on academic success and improvement in behaviour.

They also give weekly awards to the children who's behaviour has improved greatly on the previous week.

I helped out at a group PE group last week where the teacher said he's never had to 'tell off' DS, and that DS is a model pupil.

I feel sad for DS. I feel needs some recognition.

Can anyone put some perspective on this for me please?

ReallyTired Tue 15-Mar-16 21:08:32

Its a very common problem and I have no idea what the solution is. Could you afford to send him to a tutor to give him a little bit more attention to help him catch up?

cansu Tue 15-Mar-16 21:12:08

Why do you think he is being ignored? Being well behaved and lovely with the other children is great. The fact that he isn't a high flier so far doesn't really equal ignored. I am a bit confused by your post tbh.

ReallyTired Tue 15-Mar-16 21:14:21

Some children are invisible at school. They are not outstandingly academic or outstandingly stupid or badly behaved. They just merge into the background and almost become part of the furniture.

blueberry1972 Tue 15-Mar-16 21:26:48

Thank you for your replies.

He was getting extra help with maths and literacy but that fell by the wayside after about 3wks and I've asked the school why.

DH and I have started to look into getting a tutor and I think we will continue to pursue this. Thank you for the suggestion.

DS is lovely at school, but his behaviour at home is very often quite different. He has 3 younger siblings and will do whatever necessary to get attention. I know this can be normal behaviour for a 7 yr old but it seems school v's home are polar opposites.

He doesn't want to do any learning at all at home, puts his hands over his ears and says 'I'm stupid' - this has been going on since reception.

I guess my question/frustration is that I feel my DS is falling through the cracks. IYSWIM

blueberry1972 Tue 15-Mar-16 21:28:20

Thank you Reallytired. You've summed up my thoughts exactly

blueberry1972 Tue 15-Mar-16 21:51:06

Has anyone else got any advice,or experience please?

alltouchedout Tue 15-Mar-16 22:04:23

Persistence. You don't have to be- actually you should certainly not be!- aggressive, rude, confrontational about it, but you do have to keep going back and highlighting your concerns. Over and over and over. If you feel you are getting nowhere with the class teacher you ask for a meeting to include them and their ks lead (or equivalent... Do all schools have key stage leads?) and at said meeting you ask for their support in helping your dc to achieve their potential.

I do totally agree that some kids are invisible. DS1 was until he became astonishingly poorly behaved. I suspect his prior invisibility contributed to the development of poor behaviour!

irvine101 Wed 16-Mar-16 09:27:35

My ds is high flier and has good behaviour, and I feel he is invisible as well. He is often left to work on his own. And there was a post the other day about a child falling behind because he was shy. So I think it could happen to any child regardless of attainment.
If you don't want your dc sat next to the disruptive child, you have to tell the teacher, or dc have to tell themselves.
At year 3, there are a lot of resources that you can help him at home. Tutor may be good if you are too busy, but one to one help at home 5~10 minutes a day by parents can make huge difference in the long run, I think.
My ds's behaviour is different at school and at home. I find that he is holding back a lot at school to behave well at school.

Yokohamajojo Wed 16-Mar-16 09:46:39

My calm and well behaved son is used by the teacher as a calming influence on the more disruptive students, which may be the case with yours as well. I don't have a problem with it per se as my DS doesn't seem to be bothered by it. Ask about their seating arrangements.

blueberry1972 Wed 16-Mar-16 15:00:01

Thank you all for your replies and advice.

We already do spellings and times tables at home (he's in the middle group for spellings and always gets 100%!) and we listen to him read 6/7 evenings. I don't think he's behind with his reading, just maths and writing.

I'm going to have a look at some online resources that could help him as well. Does anyone have any recommendations please?

irvine101 Wed 16-Mar-16 15:07:21

mouldycheesefan Wed 16-Mar-16 18:44:48

Unfortunately you are really going to have to step up the home learning with writing and maths to help him to catch up to the others and plug the attainment gap. That would be my main concern, the recognition will come when he is getting praised for academic achievement. If he responds to praise have a star chart at home with goals, prizes, stickers, certificates you have made etc for doing maths at home. Get a tutor is a good idea. I would do a massive push in this. He isn't stupid but he needs help to learn. i would make a massive deal of all academic success. Also boost his confidence through extra curricular activities that are not competitive or academic e.g scouts.

IdealWeather Wed 16-Mar-16 18:53:12

Yep I agree too that the nice quiet child is the one that gets forgotten. the same thing happened to dc2, forgotten up to the point of missing he was atually behind in reading comprehension. It wasn't picked up despite numerous questions from me until he was in Y6 hmm.
They are also the ones that are told to sit down next to the disruptive child because it's easier on a class management pov.

I agree that, if the teacher doesn't actually get her acts together and put something in place for him, he will be better served with a tutor I wish I had done that years ago with dc2
I have also asked teachers before to change places for a less disruptioce child, arguing that dc2 or dc1 was coming back with complaints/getting anxious and finding it usually hard. Most of the time, it has been accomodated.

And YY about behaving in a different way at school and at home. Tis is veryy common.

I do think its absolutely crap that, as parents, we should expect to plug the holes left by school. Teaching is supposed to be differenciated and children supported to make up for any gaps in attainment, not left to the parents to deal with often after the school/teachers have failed to teach the child adequately

blueberry1972 Wed 16-Mar-16 21:46:27

IdealWeather - I'm sorry you have been through similar. I just feel so full of angst about it all and while I'm sorry you have been through too it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone.

DP said tonight that I'm making 'him' feel uptight about all of this hmmand so I appreciate your replies and advice even more.

I've had a good look at local tutors today, narrowed it down to a few and we'll be meeting a lady just after Easter where DS will have an assessment and we'll take it from there.
I'm not expecting this to be a quick fix. His confidence is the most important thing.
I strongly believe that by being confident brings other great things...

twelly Wed 16-Mar-16 21:56:49

I think this a real problem as there are many well behaved children, who are quiet and do what they are asked - they make varying levels of progress. Then in some cases where children are disruptive or have an additional need considerable support is put in place. The well behaved middling child get left. Some children go through their school life with no additional support and their results are the same as those with loads - that seems like wasted potential

blueberry1972 Wed 16-Mar-16 22:16:42

Twelly - your post has made me well up. This is exactly how I feel.

Thank you

Angelik Wed 16-Mar-16 22:39:57

do you think he is academically capable but is not reaching his potential or he isn't able because they are very different things with different responses. employing a tutor is all well and good but not necessarily the answer.

I would be more concerned with the fact he thinks he's stupid. why is this? what is or isn't happening to make him feel this?

I fundamentally disagree with mouldycheese. 'plugging the gap' academically and waiting for recognition later (though s/he later contradicts that statement). it sounds to me that recognition of achievements (not just getting it right but trying his best) is what is required now but this needs to happen at both home and school.

having had something similar recently with my ds aged 6 i immediately engaged classroom teacher then escalated to Ks1 lead (though aimed for head). my ds was referring to himself as a terrible person who was terrible at everything. this was said between heart wrenching sobs. like your ds no child should have those thoughts. without boring you with details of my story we have embarked on a campaign building his self esteem, praising all efforts engaging school to do the same, lowering the academic expectation to enable easy achievement which is clearly recognised and incrementally increasing the difficulty.

if your ds feels stupid he is never going to have the confidence to even try. he is defeated before he starts.

of course there is a bar which he has to cross academically but it's not too late.

also really worthwhile finding out what he enjoys in education (this might take time) and a shining a big light on that ie. develop him there so he has a sense of being really good at something.

oh yes, definitely get him moved away from disruptive child. maybe whole class layout needs a shake up?

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