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When your child is 'The naughty child' how to lose this label?

(27 Posts)
Grogger Wed 24-Feb-16 11:02:38

Is it even possible to lose this label once it's been given? My youngest appears to be said child and I'm really worried about it sad

redskytonight Wed 24-Feb-16 12:36:02

How old is the child?

My DC have certainly known plenty of children that had this label and have since improved their behavior. In fact DC don't even remember that they used to be badly behaved!

If at primary school, presumably there is a new teacher every year, so a chance to reinvent yourself?

icklekid Wed 24-Feb-16 12:39:41

As a teacher I have regularly seen children turn their behaviour around and often new staff would never believe stories of how they used to behave! Keep praising the good and they will get there

KingLooieCatz Wed 24-Feb-16 12:45:54

Came on hoping for some answers! Mine too. He changed schools when we re-located and we went through a period of meeting children out and about who would turn their parents and say "That's LittleLooie, he is always in trouble at school." Cue parent gently ushering their little angel away as rapidly as was seemly, without exchanging a word with me.

I felt more positive after he had his birthday party and a chance to get to know some other parents over coffee at soft play, acknowledge there are issues but not for lack of trying on our part. They were sympathetic and you learn very few people are finding things plain sailing, although it can feel like you're the only one struggling sometimes. That led to some return party invites. Parents get to see another side of your kid at a party, not just what their own DC grass your DC up for.

Things seem to have improved, if he had continued to feel lonely at school my plan was to systematically arrange for 1:1 play dates with as many class mates as possible, and work really hard at making them successful.

BarbarianMum Wed 24-Feb-16 12:48:44

My ds1 was scared of 'the naughty boy' in preschool and avoided him when he could. This carried on through reception, even though 'naughty boy' wasn't really that naughty any more and no longer hit. By Y1 the boy was no longer the naughty one and by Y2 neither ds1 or any other child remembered he had been. His mum is still slightly traumatised by it all though, even though he is now in Y5.

KingLooieCatz Wed 24-Feb-16 12:53:53

Ooh, also we have found activities where his behavior is a lot better. For us - drama. He gets to spend one morning at the weekend not being labeled the naughty one and not being told off. I feel that is really helpful for his self worth and sense of identity. He always seems calmer afterwards.

We quickly dropped activities that felt chaotic and where he didn't behave so well. Older children and high prevalence of girls seem to be calmer environments and a good influence. If DC is a boy don't rule out encouraging friendship with girls in his class, one girl in particular at DS last school was a great pal and good influence.

Yakari Wed 24-Feb-16 12:55:54

Depends on age - DS age 9 has had his ups and downs (reception and y1 more down than up!). Now we have big talks about being "that kid". He is still loud, tends to go one step further than his peers, always the class clown. I don't want to completly wipe out who he is but we have spent time talking about when to reign in behavior and how to avoid being the one left holding the smoking gun!
He gets it and has really started to think about consequences. He came home today horrified with something a different kid had done, a couple of years back I'd have put money on the story being told by someone else about him.
Keep praising the good, and keep showing him consequences (you can't sit in a restaurant we leave, can't play nicely in the park, we leave, misbehave at a play date don't get another one).
Once he got comfortable writing he did apology letters - which helped him learn a lesson but also (cynically) proved a point to others that we took it seriously. Sad but true - then he stopped being the "naughty one" but the "challenging one but the parents are working very hard with him"

80schild Wed 24-Feb-16 12:59:41

I know where you are coming from. I have same problem with DS1 - in spite of doing really well academically and being super sweet for a whole term, he still has a reputation. One mum made a point of saying to me the other day she wanted to meet me for a coffee with out the kids. Sometimes I just feel like grassing up their precious DC. I have stories I could tell about each one of them, none of which are flattering. Can you tell I am a bit depressed about the situation?

jollyjapes Wed 24-Feb-16 13:09:17

I was thinking of posting exactly the same this morning. DS has changed so much since reception and Year 1 when he was the naughty boy but now in Year 2 he is completely sidelined even though his behaviour is totally transformed. He's lost confidence in making friends. This morning one of the few boys he plays with refused to come and knock as normal as their was another classmate in front, which DS saw as he was waiting on the porch.

He's really lovely at home but until Yr2 struggled to contain his frustration and lashed out verbally. It was never enough for school to mention to me but I saw it over and over on playdates and other children told me it was the same at school. Even though his behaviour now is pretty impeccable it feels like its too late. He's never invited on playdates, I do the asking and now feel a bit self conscious as friendship groups have formed and DS isn't included. Doesn't help that DS1 is a social butterfly and is constantly being asked to friends houses, on sleepovers, cinema trips etc.

Its a small school so he's stuck in the same class for the next 4.5 years. Wondering if it might improve...

BarbarianMum Wed 24-Feb-16 13:27:07

Adults take a lot longer to forget than children 80s - esp if their children have been hurt previously or they have memories of nightmare meet ups. Having said which, I prefer meeting friends without children even if all children are lovely.

Yakari Wed 24-Feb-16 13:30:10

Jollyjapes - DS was a bit like that in Y2, but we found the friendship groups shifted a lot in Y3 and Y4. Its so hard to keep their spirits up but both you and he need to persevere. I would keep organising things, maybe even get another mum on board who can help. And involve the teacher - if they see a difference they can help at school be it at break or in circle time talking about inclusion.
If its a small school are there other options - scouts, sports clubs etc. yes of course some school mates will be there but it gives him a chance to know them in new territory.

Tuiles Wed 24-Feb-16 13:31:58

Really heartened by these stories as my DS had a tendancy to be 'that boy'. Academically he is doing well but struggles with his behaviour and is easily led and over stimulated. Doesn't help being in a very boy heavy class. I've been wondering if he will ever come out the other side of this, so glad to hear it does happen!

80schild Wed 24-Feb-16 13:32:28

That's really unkind Jollyjapes - do you think it would help if you had confronted the children?

I think people don't realise how isolating their judgement can be.

80schild Wed 24-Feb-16 13:38:08

I think it is the mums who continue are reinforcing the message now. When a child started the school last term I was chatting to her one day (after only a week or so) and she brought up the fact that DS1 was "naughty". She has no hesitation in telling me that he is the naughty one. It took a lot to bite my tongue.

uniquelyMeTwo Wed 24-Feb-16 13:53:50

Different more experienced teachers helped massively, as did DS being older, being moved away from the child that was being allowed to wind him up till he exploded luckily two form entrance, did big birthday party to get to know parents in this new class a bit, got extra help so did better academically and as went up school the greater structure in school day helped him.

Other parents had very long often inaccurate memories though it wasn't all of them just a vocal minority who were often around pick up and drop off's. Other parents thought he was brilliantly behaved as he got older especially as he started being invited to parties and they could see him.

School attitude helped and it being a big school massively helped he was allowed to grow out of it despite these other parents.

jollyjapes Wed 24-Feb-16 14:17:04

In our case the other parent's aren't a problem, more the children's friendship groups have formed and they aren't so free with who they play with now and DS has become very shy with them because he understands they stopped playing with him because he was unkind and not at all fun to play with. So sad to see him on his own in the morning line when they are all chattering in little groups. No one is mean to him at all, he's just ignored and they haven't noticed he's a lot of fun now he's dropped the attitude.

No-one to blame, the parents are a good bunch. It is a problem being in such a small school though, not many options for a personality relaunch!

uniquelyMeTwo Wed 24-Feb-16 16:17:08

Have you tried outside school groups jollyjapes?

Though if you are rural it can still be the same people - I went to a very small rural school and struggled with friends, very shy and speech problems when younger, but my parents found outside groups brownies, dance martial arts full of the same children. It helped a bit different settings to interact in but didn't widen the pool of people to make friends with.

Small rural town we were in with our DC and groups were full of different children going to different schools so can vary.

Has the school got any programs they run? My DC school has programs where they work with some children and adults to improve behaviour and then separately have buddy system where the buddy children up often with older children - doesn't always work but they try.

Stompylongnose Wed 24-Feb-16 16:28:38

My son is in y5.
He has a classmate who joined in y1 and was considered the naughty child. (I'll call him A) I don't know about his behaviour in the classroom but I would hear daily gossip from my son and his friends about A and his behaviour in the playground.

In the last 18 months A has really calmed down. He doesn't get into any less bother than the other boys. The other boys have gone from avoiding A in the playground and not inviting him to out of school events like parties to enjoying his company.

In primary school I think that most kids treat each break as a clean slate for minor scuffles and the next day if it's a major one. The parents take longer to convert.

Grogger Wed 24-Feb-16 20:00:17

Thank you for the replies, the child in question is 4.
I feel a bit better reading this and a bit more hopeful.

lljkk Wed 24-Feb-16 20:08:50

I think it is the mums who continue are reinforcing the message

^ This. Staff are professional & used to kids changing over time. Staff not the problem. Parents who know me separately are amenable. But omg, when a clique of parents decide they don't like you & your child... (sigh) They pass the stigma onto my other children, too.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 25-Feb-16 00:01:46

There was a boy in DD class who I heard about daily - never hurt anyone - just silly stuff always in trouble - fast forward two years and he never got mentioned - although others did -

This boy called at ours in year 5 and my DH commented what a great lad he was - I said you do realise that's X? And he was genuinely shocked!!

Yes they can lose the label - yes parents can see a difference -

However if this child had been hurting mine it would've been different!

Mner Thu 25-Feb-16 12:15:13

Our child is likely to be labelled like this as well. Most of the time he's great and has such a big heart but other times, he just pushes and pushes the boundaries. He's 4 as well.

Glad to hear there's hope! I've also has other parents 'warn' me about other children but I am trying to remain neutral in the whole thing and give people the benefit of the doubt.

pusspusslet Thu 25-Feb-16 20:11:26

What sort of 'naughtiness' has caused your child to acquire the label? I was the 'naughty child' all through secondary education, because I was bored and therefore lazy in a not very good direct grant convent grammar school. Only the teachers held it against me, though: there was no problem with my classmates. If I'd treated other children badly, though, I'm sure it would have been more of an issue.

Grogger Thu 25-Feb-16 20:41:15

pusspusslet mischievous behaviour with a lack of respect for authority and general over exuberance. Nothing relating to bad behaviour towards other children other than maybe being a little over bearing.
And yes boredom is a big factor but that's a whole other thread.

Lurkedforever1 Thu 25-Feb-16 20:51:38

One of Dds best friends was 'the naughty child' in the first few years. No sn, not a parenting issue, problems at home or any explanation. Just good old fashioned 'naughty'. School, and most parents and kids forgot. Except for the few parents who clearly didn't get out much and were still bleating on about it years after she'd reformed. Possibly to divert attention from the fact their dc were far worse than she ever was. (Spiteful, devious etc)

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