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Year 4 playdates

(15 Posts)
LondonSuperTrooper Sat 16-Jan-16 01:45:12

Hi, not really sure where to start! I also hope that my post makes sense as I'm sleep deprived.

My son is in year 4 and I'm having problems with play dates. After a bit of a wobble in year 3 (friendship split duevto moving up to junior school, infant is on the same site). DS has settled in nicely in Yesr 4 and seems to be well liked by his peers and his teacher says that he always has friends to play with at break time. My issue is that I invite his friends over for play dates yet he never gets invited back. One mum in particular left her son with me over the summer 2-3 times whilst she was working & promised to invite DS, invitation never materialised! DS wants to invite her son over again, I asked the mum and she said yes please he'd love to come to yours!!! I'm now telling DS that that particular boy is not coming over as his mum is having play dates but again my DS is not invited.

My question is what should I do? Keep inviting boys over to mine even though it seems that his friends do not extend the invitation? The mums & the boys who come seem keen & happy when they are invited over. DH says that I need to keep the playdates going for DS's sake (he's a sensitive boy) but I find it tiresome especially with a 9 month old baby.

Is he not getting invited because I'm in the clique of the popular mums? Does this still go on? I thought that by year 4 the bits decide who to invite & their mums no longer choose - or am I being naive?

Really not sure what I'm expecting from posting on here but TIA for any potential advice.

Greengrass1982 Sat 16-Jan-16 07:32:06

I don't think this is uncommon I was talking to a mum the other day from my childs class she said she had one boy over over to theirs many times and the parents never returned the invite.
My daughter keeps asking to have children over to play and im slightly hesitant as it would be nice if someone asked her over. we've had two kids over to play one had her back to theirs.
If you've got a newborn baby I wouldn't put pressure on yourself to do it unless your son really wants someone over to play ?

JamNittyGrittyAndHedrin Sat 16-Jan-16 07:46:42

Hmm, I'm on the fence a bit. I don't invite kids to ours because I might get a reciprocal invite, but because my kids like having their friends over, we've got a large half refurbished and very messy house for them to muck about in and I don't care about mud and mess too much. As a result, I have many more kids here than my kids go elsewhere. Just one of those things. But I don't have a newborn, or a job, so I've got plenty of time to deal with play dates.

If you want a break from play dates, take it - 9 month olds are flipping hard work, I've had three of them and the sleep deprivation was kicking in big style by that point.

WipsGlitter Sat 16-Jan-16 07:47:28

Why do you want him invited back? Is it that you think the other parents are being rude and there's an unspoken payback rule? Or is it you feel it's not a "proper" friendship if he's not invited back?

I hate play dates. I work full time so can't do them after school. And the last thing I want at the weekend is another child here.

Cococo1 Sat 16-Jan-16 07:50:50

There's definitely a payback rule. Doesn't have to be exact but it's rude to take hospitality and not offer it. But in the OP's case I would think about how much I could cope with and do that regardless of whether my kid was being invited back.

LondonSuperTrooper Sat 16-Jan-16 07:52:22

Thanks for your reply GreenGrass. My issue is that his friends do invite others to their house, just not my son sad

wonderpants Sat 16-Jan-16 07:56:34

I don't worry about reciprocal invites! I enjoy having kids here, I have time and it isn't q chore for me. I understand that some people work longer hours, have more difficult home lives, just don't enjoy having a house full of kids like I do! I wouldn't want anyone to have my kid under a sense of obligation rather than because they enjoy having them if I'm honest!

My kids, and their friends have all grown up knowing they are welcome here, that is enough for me!

RidersOnTheStorm Sat 16-Jan-16 08:11:23

I don't think there should be a payback rule. My DCs are grown now and playdates didn't exist when they were little. They just had friends round to play or went to their houses. I never kept track. Why would I?

LondonSuperTrooper Sat 16-Jan-16 08:28:13

Thanks Wonderpants & Rider. I find it hard to believe that mums are happy to keep inviting children for playdates & these kids invite others regularly but not your own child! I've had the same boy over to ours more than 5-6 times and his mum arranges play dates on more or less weekly basis & keeps telling me 'oh we'll have to have your DS over for a play' and yet she never does.

As I previoudky said DS is sensitive & sees who goes home with who after school. He's been asking me why he doesn't go to other people's houses sad I usually reply that I'm not friends with the mum but he responds by saying 'well they've been to my house!'

wonderpants Sat 16-Jan-16 08:49:33

I've been there, honestly. Even now, my younger DD doesn't get invited back, is missed out on big group activities in the holidays because I'm not in the mums group. I just have to over compensate and encourage lots of different friends over. If you take it personally, your child will. And it isn't, it is just busy lives and maybe a lack of thought!

WipsGlitter Sat 16-Jan-16 10:22:25

Sometimes I'm glad I work and miss all this playground angst.

AnotherCider Sat 16-Jan-16 14:52:22

Its hard for children when this happens. They REALLY want to visit other children's houses and see their toys, and to feel liked and wanted! Could you invent a non urgent job you need to do, and ask the mother of he other child if there's one night in the next few weeks that she could have your DS over?

Haahooooo Sat 16-Jan-16 15:05:34

Are you sure you're being proactive enough? So if another mum says "oh we will have to have your DS over" do you say "Yes! How about next Thursday?". Might they be waiting for you to suggest a date?

LalaLeona Sat 16-Jan-16 21:59:44

I have an only who is 9 (well for now she's an only, I'm due with no 2any day now!) so I have loads of friends over so she has someone to play with. I find the mums that have 3 or more kids never return the invitation! Think they are too busy or else they feel their kids have enough people to play with and don't need another child hanging is a bit annoying though..

LondonSuperTrooper Sun 17-Jan-16 08:13:15

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Think I'll just have to carry on with the play dates but I'm a little bit angry about it.

Anothercider, that's exactly it! It's nice to be invited & to go to other people's houses. It's lovely to be wanted! It's hard to see you friends inviting other boys to their house regularly and it's never you, even though you've invited them countless times.

Wispsglitter, I usually work fulltime but I'm currently on maternity leave. Working is so much easier than having to deal with all this nonsense!

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