How to deal with "you can't play with us"?

[virelai]

DD had two good friends last year in Year 2, but is finding things hard at the start of Year 3. It's a school with one Year 3 class and one Year 3/4 class. DD is one of approximately 10 Year 3's in the split class (but only four Year 3 girls)

Last year's Friend 1 (also in the split class) is siding with another girl against DD, saying she can't play with them. Today they have told DD that she must promise not to play with them until November 1st (?!). There are various other mean things being said.

Last year's Friend 2 (in the Year 3 class) is telling DD that she wants to play with her 'new' friends and that DD can't play with them as she's not in their class.

I realise I only hear one side of this, and who knows if DD is being mean too? My instinct is that she isn't being mean, just wants to play and join in.

I don't know how to help DD for the best (I'm a loner who never really got the best friend thing). You can't make kids be friends, after all. But what's the best way to help DD, who is very miserable now? Talk to the teacher? Talk to the friends' mums? Tell DD to play with someone else? It's really hard for her to integrate I think: the Year 4s play with each other, and the two Friends are making it hard to play with any of the other children she's got on with in the past.

I'd love some advice, especially from those who are through this and out the other side!

[Dixiechickonhols]

I'd speak to the teacher now and explain the class split isn't working for your DD. They can keep an eye on things. Do they have any things like buddy benches to help.
Can you invite the other girl out of the 4 to tea and maybe see if that helps them become friendlier.
What does DD do out of school? Something like brownies may help her with friendships outside school.
I know when DD was in year 3 or 4 there were fallings out (only 7 girls in class) Headteacher got them all together and chatted about not leaving people out etc. Things settled down.

[virelai]

Thank you Dixiechickonhols - I'll ask about buddy benches tomorrow, and mention to the teacher that DD is having a hard time. We did have a couple of playdates with the fourth girl in the holidays before school started, but they didn't seem to click when back at school. She does a sports club and gets on well with the girls there.

I think she (and me!) are just a bit shocked that friends can say "you can't play with us" - what can she say back?!

[Mynameismummy]

I'm having this problem with my DD6. One of her best friends since nursery class has suddenly turned against her and keeps targeting her to be nasty. I've told the school, but they say they can only do something if they actually see it...which is difficult because the child in question is sly and I'm sure chooses her moment to strike. So hard when they're little as you can't just tell them to tell the nasty kids where to stick it.

[GobbolinoCat]

Not sure about school doing if they see, can they see your DD reaction and how upset she is?

Op ask teacher what she can say about that, there maybe someone else in the school who can help with stuff like that. Its awful to hear isnt it.

[virelai]

Thanks GobbolinoCat and commiserations, Mynameismummy. I will ask how they support friendships in school. It IS awful, especially as I know all three mums quite well, but don't think I could find any way to talk to them about it, without making it worse. Hard to know, too, where the boundary between general playground stuff and real nastiness is.

[Mynameismummy]

Totally agree Virelai - it's the boundary you talk about which is the thing.....and it makes it so easy for school/other parents to fob you off by implying that your child is over sensitive and that there isn't any substantive problem. I think knowing the mums can actually make it worse; with a stranger you don't have any background and you aren't so worried about causing offence. Really wish you the best for sorting it out - when it's your own child, it's worse than when it happens to you, isn't it?

[AndLeavesthatweregreenturnedto]

Same here op, I also know the dp and once perhaps they tried to talk to me about it but at that point I didn't know it was an issue. However without doubt they have strategies for this sort of stuff and they will be - should be told not to be so mean.