Help - My child's North London school is mainly Asian and she is being bullied and excluded

[Roundtheworld]

We recently moved to north London and are having a really hard time finding a decent private school for our daughter. The school she is in, is attended by currently is over 90 percent of Asian children. This has turned out to be a horrible experience for her. The Asian children all have some sibling or relatives in the school. They play only with their siblings or relatives or with other Asian children. When my child tries to play or to speak to them, they are rude, stamping their feet, refusing to be in the least polite and just moving away - the parents don't seem to think the rudeness is anything out of the ordinary. Some of the children pull her hair and push her. The Asian parents are also quite rude and all stick together at the morning and afternoon drop-off discussing inane things (who has the best kitchen, best car, best trips to India, Sri Lanka, etc). This isn't the experience of London I want for my child. My daughter is 4 - can someone PLEASE tell me about some North London private schools that are more diverse and welcoming. I have heard that NLCS is 70% Asian, so that rules that school out for me. I would like a school with a mix of children of MANY races, where teachers and staff actively try to forge compassion, friendship and empathy between the children. The sub-standard staff at my current school are focussed on fees. I understand that this is getting to be quite a big problem in London. Some schools who care mainly about the rankings happily fill their schools with the heavily tutored and rote learned Asian children, but there MUST be some schools that more rounded approach? Sorry to make this so long - I am very disturbed by what is taking place with my daughter.

[Lurkedforever1]

From your description the individuals at that school sound unpleasant. However from the rest of your post you come across as far more unpleasant, so maybe they've just picked up on your own racism.

[LisbethSalandersLaptop]

"I have heard that NLCS is 70% Asian, so that rules that school out for me "

Well to be honest it is normally the entrance test that rules people out of that school.

If this was going to be an issue for you, why didn't you do your homework first?

Also, how do you know what the nasty Asians are gossiping about exactly?

[WildStallions]

Give the OP a break! She's experiencing being excluded and wants to talk about it.

OP I think most London private (and grammar) schools are largely Asian - but that doesn't mean they're all as horrible as the one you're currently at.

My DSs secondary is 95% Asian, he's White, and isn't having any problems.

So I guess you just have to look around?

[Frequency]

I don't think OP sounds racist as such but I would think that if 90% of the children are bullying your child, perhaps the issue is not with the 90%?

Has your child socialised with peers before? Is she unusually sensitive?

[herderofcats]

If the op were reversed, I think the responses would be very different.

[Palomb]

Of course they would herd

No-one wants their child to be excluded.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

What are appropriate subjects for playground gossip that aren't inane? I'm not totally sure that the subject of playground conversation is going to be much different in many private schools, regardless of the ethnicity of the parents.

[3littlefrogs]

My DC are mixed race and have attended a variety of schools in North London and haven't encountered racisim at any of them, so there are some lovely schools out there.

However, I am aware that it can and does happen; maybe the school you chose isn't the best fit for your child.

How much time did you spend looking round/finding out about schools before you made your choice?

[Lurkedforever1]

Discussing feeling excluded is fine. To then make the leap anywhere with a high Asian intake is unsuitable, or make ridiculous assumptions that all Asian kids are getting selective places due to rote learning and tutoring is fucking offensive. Asian origin does not mean you can only do better than other races with hot housing, as though they must be naturally less intelligent.
Besides, near me if any none Caucasian wanted to avoid being the minority intake they'd be screwed. Selectives are the only place they even have a decent representation, and even then the Caucasians are more abundant.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Not so sure about that, herd. It's the tone of the OP that's got most people's backs up I think. It's quite unpleasant, even though I would agree her daughter shouldn't be being excluded and can see why she would want to move her.

[Roundtheworld]

I don't think I'm racist, but then racists never do - so you never know. It has never been suggested to me before. 90% of the children do not bully my daughter, just the few in her class (a class of 18).

She went to nursery before in a nice diverse area and loved it. She has never complained to us btw, my husband and I have seen the behaviour first hand and felt pressed to do something about it as we are the ones who put her there. She has just become sad and never talks about what is happening at school.

Apologies to all the people who think I am a nasty horrible racist for seeing with my own two eyes what is being done to my daughter and wanting to do something about it. I shall have a good look in the mirror and try to change my horrible ways. To ANYONE out there who may have a shred of understanding, can you please suggest any schools in the area that might be more suitable.

[TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief]

I wouldn't necessarily call the op a racist based on that though some of what you say seems over the top (4 yr olds bullying and excluding?!)I'm Asian myself and know some Asian communities are more insular than others. They won't even talk to other Asians.
Op, go and visit all the schools in your area and see what they're like.
Talk to the head about your concerns and ask how they ensure they treat each other well etc.

[Applesauce29]

I feel for you OP. I live in east London and the majority of people in the area are Asian and muslim. At the baby groups I did go to most didn't want to socialise with non Asian people, and the local school has an intake where 80% of the kids speak English as a second language. I really don't want to send my DC there as I fear they'd be excluded - no play dates etc as I'm not Muslim, and I don't want them pulled down academically as the others spend the first year learning English.

No specific advice on schools but I hope you find a more inclusive one soon.

[Lurkedforever1]

I agree entirely with your wish to do something to change your daughters current experience. I just disagree entirely with the fact you have now come to the conclusion all asian cohorts are the same, and that Asians are getting selective places purely through hot housing.

[Glasspumpkin]

OP you are not being racist IMHO just a bit taken aback at your situation, I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be upset in your situation regardless of what race the children or parents are who are making you both feel excluded.

You really should have done your homework though before moving with regards to the local schools.

The School is not a good fit for you so you should move your DD ASAP citing bullying as a reason for moving her via the local LEA no need to give details or even let the current school know your wishes to move her.

[Roundtheworld]

Hi 3littlefrogs, thanks so much for your kind response. I didn't spend enough time researching I'm ashamed to admit. I didn't think this sort of thing would happen - I just assumed that all children would play together and the only thing I needed to look at was the calibre of the teachers. I truly didn't think about the "fit".

I am now in the very difficult position as a lot of schools have waiting lists etc. Any school names would be much appreciated. My DC is also mixed race.

[3littlefrogs]

North London is a huge area in terms of travelling to school.
I can recommend a lovely one, and tell you one to definitely avoid, but will pm you.

Actually, a friend had a very bad experience with her daughter's very expensive private school. The head decided to import vast numbers of very wealthy children from abroad. The behaviour and attitude of these students and their families completely changed the culture of the school and the existing students were treated very badly and were practically excluded within their own class.

[herderofcats]

Are State schools out of the question?

(I don't live in London. )

[Grazia1984]

NLCS is one of th ebest schools in the country and is full of different kinds of girls. Most children are not bright enough to get into it. My daughter did and says it is the best thing we ever did for her. She had Asian, white and Jewish friends.

My son is the only white boy this year in his private school (he is in a private school and is white blonde) and his friends are all Asian and that is not a problem at all for teenagers. In fact the few white boys aren't like him and aren't his friends mostly.

Schools like NLCS are pretty good at spotting who is tutored. It may well be that a good few white children are just as lazy as sin and why should they get into good schoosl if they don't pull their fingers out. I am delighted my sons go to school with Asian children who work hard and don't smoke and drink and go wild in teenage years. It's a very positive thing. However it is certainly a big change for many of us who grew up where about 97% of people are white (where I am from in the NE) to an area which has changed so that most people aren't. however people are people and the people our bright ambitious children will be working with in the City lf London etc in future will be international and varied.

I would just concentrate on getting your child into the school with the best A level grades and work frmo there. Also why would anyone want to socialist with parents from school? I never did but then I always worked full time. May be that is the problem - the ever present housewife issue.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Have you thought of trying a state school? I don't know about North London but here in Manchester I did a teaching placement at a school that was 99.9% English as 2nd language. The 2 or 3 white children in the school stood out but had plenty of friends and were certainly not excluded.

Alternatively move to South West London. There seem to be plenty of private schools there. The ethnic mix is different so I assume the same will apply to the schools.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

You might want to go back and read your OP and see if the phrasing you used gives the picture that 90% of children aren't bullying her. That's a massive u-turn you appear to have done.

Asians and excluding her, is mentioned in the title, you mentions Asians and 'they' through out the post. I can't see anywhere where you have mentioned 'some children in her class'. In addition you then try and rule out a very good school because you've heard that the intake is 70% Asian.

I think the post you meant to write involves outlining the behaviour by some of the children in her class (of reception children btw who aren't well know for their well developed social skills) and asking what to do about it. Or asking which London private schools have a good record for dealing with this type of behaviour if you are definitely going to move her.

[Roundtheworld]

Lurkedforever1, I haven's spent enough time digesting what is happening to create a lifetime opinion/conclusion about Asian kids and parents. I am in a bit of a mess with DD's schooling and I am focussing on rectifying the mess I have made before I reflect on the different behaviours.

Glasspumpkin, thank you for your advice, I shall get onto the LEA tomorrow.

Thank you also to Applesauce29 for your support and Thewoodenspoonofmischief for your advice.

[fastdaytears]

OP I'm sure you aren't racist but we only have your post to go on and that was quite inflammatory.

You want your daughter to be happy which is totally understandable. Are things salvageable at the current school? You say that you chose based on the calibre of the teaching but then that the staff are "sub standard". Is there anything good about this school?

It sounds to me like you need to be doing lots of visits to other schools and asking more questions. But not using the wording from your OP!

[Roundtheworld]

I have to use the private sector as we move a lot for my job. But, I am so desperate to get her somewhere nice, I am willing to go to the LEA to try to get this sorted and then think about the moving later, when my position ends.