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unsure if I should move settled but shy DD1 in year 4

(14 Posts)
ConnortheMonkey Tue 12-May-15 23:19:51

We are considering relocating within the UK.
DD1 is yr 3 in a lovely primary, lovely group of girls, one form entry small school. However she is quite shy and very self aware but also very kind and although there is some bitchiness that goes on in her friendship group DD literally never falls out with anyone and is always the peace maker and as a result is extremely popular. However I don't know how she'd find integrating into a new group as she is shy and not outgoing at all in new situations. She finds it hard to make friends on holiday, in new activities etc. When I have discussed moving house and school she can barely speak to me and is very very distressed by the idea. I have stopped any discussion of it until we are 100 per cent. Tbh her reaction is one of the main reasons I don't want to move. All her primary friends will go to the same secondary. I moved when I was 13 from a secondary school where I was in a close knit group of friends and never had a close group of friends again so I might be projecting a bit.

Dd2 is in reception and v confident and outgoing and wouldn't be phased at all by move.

We would have two choices of school in the move. A three form entry school in a large village with a (nice) housing estate on the outskirts, her cousins also attend the school but not same yr and tbh don't get on great at the school.
A one form entry catholic school that seems v similar to her current catholic school but DD2 in reception wouldn't get a place. I could juggle two school runs until DD1 leaves primary but she would also not have the comfort of having her sister at the same school although doubt they'd see much of each other, at the moment they see each other at break time.
If we don't move before the end of primary we won't move at all and have chance of family help, much bigger house, mortgage free and much better quality of life.

Not sure what my question is but would love to hear from anyone who has been through similar.

ConnortheMonkey Wed 13-May-15 09:20:03

Morning bump

WorraLiberty Wed 13-May-15 09:27:05

I haven't been through similar but in your position, I think I would bite the bullet and move.

Your DD was new to that school once and she coped. Also, when she moves to senior school, there is no guarantee she'll know anyone in her form so she'll have to go through the whole 'new' thing again anyway.

It won't be easy, but then again you might be shocked at how well she actually does cope. For all you know, you might be surprised that it's actually your other DD who takes a little longer to settle in.

But settle in they will. Tons of kids have to relocate for one reason or another, and lots of them will be shy like your DD.

Good luck thanks

ConnortheMonkey Wed 13-May-15 09:59:50

Thanks for your reply worraliberty. It's just such a hard decision as I'd never forgive myself if she hated it.

SocietyClowns Wed 13-May-15 10:10:12

What's the secondary provision like in the new area? If that's good I would go for what's best for the whole family. You can't beat bigger house, closer to family, no mortgage!
I have a shy yr3 and confident R child myself and wouldn't hesitate. smile As for which primary to go for, that's tougher...

ConnortheMonkey Wed 13-May-15 10:19:57

Secondary provision is excellent in the new area but also excellent in our current area. Both are outstanding schools and seem very similar. My girls are in a really excellent primary at the moment so we're not moving for better schools at all. I feel the catholic one form entry school in the new area is better academically and would be a better fit for DD1 but don't like the idea of the girls being separated. They will make a place for Dd1 as she is in juniors but DD2 in infants they can't as full. I feel DD2 would settle well with a move in yr1 but maybe I'm being too confident.

ConnortheMonkey Wed 13-May-15 10:23:51

Also I should say it's not my family we're moving closer to it's DHs. Lovely family but I'm not really a big family type person. I like solitude. I will be moving away from all my friends and will likely work full time when we move and DH will be a stay at home parent. This is fine as I work 4 days at the moment and enjoy my work but will mean I won't make new mum friends in the new area.

SocietyClowns Wed 13-May-15 11:05:15

Well, if it's ILs you'd be closer to I'd stay put grin (I'm nothing but consistent in my views....wink)
That also sounds like quite a lifestyle change with your dh as sahp etc.

redskybynight Wed 13-May-15 13:45:45

I have a daughter in Year 4 - my experience (and that of other parents of girls in her year) is that this is the year that the girls have really started changing their friendship groups. DD has made some new friends and no longer speaks to some other girls with whom she has been friends from Reception.

So in terms of timing, I think it would work well. IMO Bigger school=more likelihood of finding a friend.

ConnortheMonkey Thu 14-May-15 07:41:27

That's interesting red sky. My daughter's closest friends has changed since reception but the main group of 8 has stayed the same. Reception and yr 1 she has best friends with a girl who is much less central to her friendships now and still part of the 8 but she is very secure in her group. Good point about a bigger school. May need to start a separate thread society clowns on the issues surrounding the lifestyle change and DH's family!

mugglingalong Thu 14-May-15 07:59:22

Dd1's best friend left at the end of yr4. She was really upset. New girl started, they've teamed up and now she is even happier! Dd1 sounds similar to your dd. I think that they are a bit like glue in a friendship group it doesn't matter if you have more glue. The children who have found it harder to settle are those who like to be the centre of the group, because that role might already be taken, and also those who want just one best friend because that disrupts the existing friendships and causes resentment.

anothermakesthree Thu 14-May-15 08:37:19

What is it that you or your girls are going to get out of this move? I think I would have to balance positives/negatives and make sure I would have many more positives before I moved two v happy & settled children.

ConnortheMonkey Thu 14-May-15 09:14:21

What a lovely description mugglingalong.

Anothermadethree, good point. I think there are long term benefits for the family but these may be less tangible things for the children right now and perhaps more to benefit the adults.

Pluses
Mortgage free or very small mortgage
One of us can be a stay home parent (at the moment we both work, DH full time and me 3.5 days a week) or if we did both work lots of disposable income
We would have land and space. We have a small three bed at the moment but do have a nice garden, DC wouldn't necessarily think that a separate bedroom and a much bigger garden was a huge improvement for them
Close to DH's family who would help us out
Schooling in new area appears as good as where we are (but can you ever tell until children actually attend)

Negatives
At first I would be the full time worker and DH would stay at home as he can't get transfer his work very easily. In time we would change perhaps change this so I worked less when DH
I don't actually want to be a stay at home parent though and like working part time, have a nice balance at present.
Being close to DH's family is not necessarily fantastic for me as I think we would need to reciprocate childcare at the weekend which for me would be combined with full time work plus looking after 6 children at the weekend.
Being close to DH's family may become part of a caring role for an elderly relative. I was a teenage carer and in my twenties for a parent and selfishly don't want to spend all my life being a carer. DH has a big family so this role doesn't have to fall to us although I feel guilty about this and think we should probably pull our weight
Big one - I move away from my home town and all my friends. I don't have a massive group of friends but I do have friends and a social life. However I would have more time and slack to pursue social interests after the move so perhaps might make new friends, but won't be school run / mum friends if I work full time.
May be hard to find part time flexible work if that's what I want when DH finds work. Where I am I have contacts to enable me to do that, would need to build a reputation in new location.
Moving the children from a really excellent school where they are very settled

Gosh the negatives is quite long

Getdownfromtherethisinstant Thu 14-May-15 12:47:10

I do think ultimately it's your decision as the adults and the kids just have to go along with it. So you have to be 100% sure YOU'RE happy with the move. Yes of course your children's happiness is a major consideration but if you're happy, they are more likely to be happy. If the schooling is literally the only thing giving you doubts, I'd just go for it. Schooling is a temporary thing anyway. But it sounds like you have many other doubts you need to address first.

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