Yr 6, Girls, 'friendship' and manipulation

[twoandahalftimesthree]

Dd is in yr 6. There are 12 girls in the class and there have been friendship difficulties bubbling away since reception but dd has always been happy at school. Lately though she is moody and says she doesn't like school anymore and hasn't got any friends.
We've talked a lot and of course I only have dd's version of events. I am not suggesting that she is absolutely perfect but she is a very kind hearted and forgiving girl (she has to be, when she has a brother with autism and ADHD!) there have been incidents like girls making groups where names have to be on the list and there not being enough room for everybody. The 'queen bee' making up all the rules and deciding everything, people are randomly thrown out of the group for undisclosed misdemeanours. Yesterday dd said she and queen bee had made up after falling out. Apparently, Queen bee had forgiven dd, I asked what for and dd said she didn't know!
Outside of school things are happening like being suddenly excluded from online chats on whatsapp. When dd asked the girl in question (not queen bee this time although prob trying to be) why she'd blocked her, she couldn't come up with a reason. Another time, while 5 girls were in a group chat 3 of them discussed plans for a party that dd and another girl weren't invited to. When dd asked them to start a different chat if they wanted to talk about the party because they felt left out they said she was 'just jealous' and she was being horrible. Reportedly someone said that they were going to 'get their dad on her'.
These are a few examples and there are some more again, relatively minor incidents but I don't want dd to accept them as these situations only get worse if they're not dealt with.
It seems from what she says that there are a few girls who are practising their manipulation skills on dd and if she stands up for herself at all they get emotional (crying when adults are present or angry when they're alone) until she shuts up and it blows over. I worry that dd is setting herself up to be forever in this position.
I have talked to her class teacher today and she says there is nothing that they can do about things that happen outside school but that she will talk to the group about being kind and considerate. I wonder what I should be doing?

[tess73]

This isn't that unusual from yr4 onwards
The only advice I can give is to ask your dd why she wants to be in this group of girls. I bet there are other girls she could be friends with, is she choosing those she wants to vs associated with rather than those she actually has anything in common with? They sound horrible.

[theposterformallyknownas]

First of all get her off the internet chat, this only gives them more scope to play bitching.
remind her that soon she will be making more friends as they tend to separate at high school.
Encourage friendships out of school maybe a friend for sleepover at weekend, but not one from school.
Give her some perspective, it maybe won't solve the problem but she will be informed as to how it really isn't important.

[SeptemberBabies]

Item 9 of the Whatsapp T&C's says:

"In any case, you affirm that you are at least 16 years old as the WhatsApp Service is not intended for children under 16. If you are under 16 years of age, you are not permitted to use the WhatsApp Service."

Maybe stopping her using this would be the answer?

[twoandahalftimesthree]

Four of the girls (out of class of 12) tend to be the mercurial ones but they dominate the class and control the other girls so it's very difficult to avoid them. The only other girls are three little ones that are very 'young' in their behaviour and play and dd doesn't really fit In with them (she is tall and very grown up looking and in her behaviour) there is only one class per year too so she's at a bit of a loss for other options at playtime. I asked the teacher about organised groups/activities but she said they were still waiting for them to start again for the new academic year.

[newgirl123]

Def talk to the teacher so he/she can be aware.

I think this term is a bit tough for y6 - some might be taking exams, they start to realise they might go to different schools - by summer term there might be a resolution as they realise they might all miss each other.

Also agree about snapchat and fostering outside friendships

[twoandahalftimesthree]

I will get her off the chat definitely, her dad put it on her phone and prob didn't read the t&c! All the girls in her class are on it but fortunately dd doesn't use it often.
I have suggested lots of activities outside school where she could make other friends but she is reluctant and says it wouldn't help her at school anyway.

[twoandahalftimesthree]

Newgirl my worry is that they are all going to the same secondary school (it's outstanding and right on the doorstep)!

[Sleepingtom]

Please don't worry too much about secondary. They are big places! Lots of class changing will mean lots of new friends. Outside activities really help though so don't give up trying to find something that might float her boat and boost her confidence (a drama group?).

[newgirl123]

sorry just seen this - secondary school might give you the chance to put her in a different class - in our primary the y6 teacher advised the secondary on good combinations.

Is guides an option near you? Drama classes? It does really help to have more mates outside of school - it can just make school stuff feel less important.

[shebird]

Girls can be truly horrible sometimes. I agree with others that online chat should be avoided as it just provides opportunity for bitchiness. Your DD should at least be able to switch off from all these arguments at home even if she cannot avoid the situation at school.

[mommy0601]

This sounds very horrible.
Maybe school cannot be involved outside the school, however they should send out letters to parents advising that situations of this kind happens and parents should put more attention to what their children are doing!

If any parent of those girls is a good hearted parent and is made aware of the situation, then they should do something about it. I would if my daughter would be like that towards other child!! (if I had a daughter)

And if they behave that way outside the school, they surely behave the same way in school, so you have to bring it up, speak to headteacher.

If nothing works, nobody is willing to help, make an official complaint about the school.

People don't realise that things like this, seams silly behaves to some, can actually have a severe effect on children.