What's wrong with being a competitive/pushy parent?

[xxwowxx]

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent? Some even describe them as "bad parents", I mean, would it be better if they didn't care about their child/children?

[JodieGarberJacob]

Because it usually means other children suffer in their wake.

[EdithWeston]

Because the terms "pushy" and "competitive" have connotations beyond less loaded terms such as "supportive" or even "ambitious".

[EdgeOfNowhere]

School hate pushy parents because the parents have higher expectations of their DC than school does.

Other parents hate competitive parents because they're always implying their DC is better than yours. Which no one ever wants to hear.

[Bluestocking]

Because "competitive" means they measure their children's achievement against other children's, not against any kind of personal best. And inevitably, this leads to a sense that they are happy when other children do worse, or even fail.
Because "pushy" means they ensure that their children get more than their fair share of whatever's available, to the detriment of other children who might need their full share, not whatever scraps are leftover.

[Ubik1]

Because it's all about you


not the child

[MrsSteptoe]

Also, it's not an either/or. Not being pushy doesn't necessarily mean you don't care. Also, pushy parent at one school is very laid back at another.

With a seriously pushy parent, I agree with JodieGarberJacob. No sense of community.

[motherinferior]

Because they're boring.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Competing against others, pushing others out of their way.

If they were only competing against themselves and their own expectations and pushing their child forward, they'd be called 'ambitious, striving, focused, determined, supportive'.

[KinderBoris]

Because sometimes the parent's ambition comes before the child's happiness and wellbeing. My father was a professional rugby player in his youth and had big plans for my brother who is a gentle giant type and has no interest in sports at all. They aren't close at all as a result of my father being so pushy with him when he was younger and my brother feeling like a disappointment.

[lottiegarbanzo]

That too, it's a competitive parent, not necessarily a competitive child. Often parental displacement.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Because, in many cases, they only serve to make their children unhappy

[paddythepooch]

Real life examples of what an esp pushy parent has done to my DD/other children:

Gone through her bag to check reading levels, homework etc
Asking her leading questions re levels
Pushing her out of the way when my dd had been chosen to talk to an author. Teacher had to intervene
Regularly monopolising teacher at start of every day
Recently discovered appalling remarks re other children

Disgusting behaviour, all about her and what an example to set!

[TheArticFunky]

Sometimes pushy parents want their child to succeed at all costs. They push towards Grammar schools when it may not be in their child's best interests. They push them towards a particular career path when the child has interests in different areas. They insist on them playing musical instruments and taking part in activities that the child hates. Not all pushy parents are like this but I come across a few.

[WooWooOwl]

I think that mostly those are labels that are put on parents by other parents who can't or don't do as much as they think they should for their children's education.

Being too pushy can have a negative effect on children, and can be a massive pain in the arse for schools, but most parents that are pushy are doing it with the best of intentions, it's just that they are misguided.

[WhoAteAllTheCremeEggs]

I second that motherinferior they are very boring people.

Its like they are proving something about themselves and their magnificent parenting through their children.

[BudsBeginingSpringinSight]

I think if we had more pushy parents, then we would not have these issues with hideous horrendous schools that we now have.


Parents should be encouraged to get into schools and demand more, ask questions, why isn't this working, why is this bad..if its the child, no problems, how do we get extra support.

I think lots of parents for fear of being label pushy just stand meekly on the side lines.

You see it on here all the time, ask a simple question about grammer schools and you get the posters who come on just to be mean! Mention the word tutor and it becomes hot housing, your poor child is drowning under work and obligations and so on...even though often its a mere, 40 mins of tutoring per week!

Ask a question about reading or anything and its the same.

Its a good thing to try and drive standards up and raise the bar for everyone.

[BudsBeginingSpringinSight]

Often the biggest and most sarcastic critics on here are often teachers themselves, which is odd.

[spanieleyes]

But competitive parents don't want the bar raised for everyone, just for their own child! By all means be challenging, be supportive, be demanding, but don't push and shove other children out of the way to get what you want for YOUR child, regardless of the impact on others.

[BudsBeginingSpringinSight]

No spaniel your talking about your own version of the competitive parent.

I am talking about parents who do want the bar raised for everyone.

Rather than dumbing down.

[wheretoyougonow]

I agree with its for the interest of the parent not the child. Our class pushy parent started on at the teacher on day 1 of this year group re her sons reading levels and how he needs to be pushed. Nevermind the fact he was in tears as he found it hard to settle in the new class

[spanieleyes]

From this thread, clearly not just my definition of competitive and pushy! There is a difference between being assertive and being pushy, of wanting the best for your child and being competitve with other children/parents.

[WooWooOwl]

Given a choice between more pushy parents and more disengaged parents that do nothing to support their children's education, I'd think that most schools would rather see more pushy ones, despite the annoyance they can cause.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Because they are pushy, annoy the teachers no end and its usually all about them and not the child. It has nothing to do with raising the bar for all.

[MoreBeta]

When DSs left their previous Prep school one particularly pushy parent cornered us and demanded to know which tutor we had used to get them into the next school as DS1 had a scholarship. We hadn't used any tutor. He is just a bright boy and the school he went to isn't especially selective.

What she wanted to do though was get ahead of any other parent to book the gap in the tutors timetable immediately to prevent another parent getting it.

I believe this is common place behaviour in London where 'top Tutors' names are passed round in a confidential network of mothers 'in the know'.

Bonkers.

[BudsBeginingSpringinSight]

Op this is the main problem with comp/pushy parents.

There are plenty of nice ones out there who understand not to push their child beyond their capabilities, who do not hog the teacher, who do not want to drive everyone insane, but mention those two words, and these are all the stereotypes that will sadly, get trotted out.

As said, ^mention the word tutor* and suddenly we jump to child being hot housed, no room for play or anything else, child being pushed, child being stretched too far and will never survive in selective school.

Often on here one see's these debates, and very rational and intelligent posters will come and say over and over again, how naturally bright their child is, but how the school left a gap in say, times tables that needed to be plugged, by a tutor, for a mere 40 mins a week for a few weeks.

they will then say that their child sailed through the 11+ and thriving at selective school. They are ignored and not listened too, because they simply must be pushy..

Those posters are not listened to and trampled on and accused of being pushy