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how would you feel.. parent arrested for the unthinkable

(17 Posts)
typoqueen Sat 01-Mar-14 00:12:18

this is not playground gossip as it has been reported in the local news papers, a parent (father) has been jailed for the 2nd time in 7 years for downloading several hundred child porn photos, however his wife has done nothing but defend him by saying he "only looked" but obviously this is totally wrong as he was charged with downloading and the "making of" (don't know legal terms so not sure what "making of" actually means ie made photos or printed photos) I personally now feel very uncomfortable knowing this as the mother has now started helping out at school by walking with the children to and from out of school activities mainly walking with her own dd, I also walk with the children and have done so for a couple of years, now everyone one else in class has found out she walks with their children and are all up in arms about it and intend to speak to the headmistress on Monday, I have tried to defuse the situation a little by stating that she only walks with them she is not allowed in changing areas but as they say they are not happy with her being allowed in the viewing area whilst the children are swimming, I don't condone this lady at all, but I do feel for her dd, she probably feels she needs her mum more than ever during all this and to ban her from class is going to make matters worse, our school allows parents in at from 8.40 till 8.50 to read with their child, we did have to complain to school last month at the fact the children was asked to strip off and change for PE during the 10 minuets that there are parents wandering around, and this has now stopped, my mind is totally split on this, I don't want the woman near my child but I also feel for her child my brain is swirling..

Euphemia Sat 01-Mar-14 00:24:41

Good grief, that was all one sentence with no capital letter and no full stop!

I think you need to calm down and consider what exactly you're upset about - make a list! This is all gobbledegook - no wonder your brain is swirling!

Fifyfomum Sat 01-Mar-14 00:28:38

If the police had any suspicions about her the school would know about it. She is probably the safest parent because she's been investigated.

Let it go.

Adikia Sat 01-Mar-14 01:35:18

If she's defending her husband and doesn't seem to see how wrong what he did was, then I'd be up in arms about it too. What her husband did is not her fault but saying 'he only looked' as if that makes it ok is weird and would make me uncomfortable about her being near my children.

I do feel sorry for her child and can see letting her in to read in the mornings like all the other parents do, if nothing else so her child doesn't feel singled out but walking with the children isn't something every parent does and I don't think she should be allowed to do it if it's making other parents feel uncomfortable.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 01-Mar-14 01:42:56

Shes in shock

Don't forget her world has just been blown to bits and by the man she slept next to, had kids with and trusted ..

Go easy on her, be supportive, I think you will find angry stage comes next when the realisation dawns and the fog melts away, that she's been taken for a prick by this man.

Oh and up in arms about walking with the kids?
I walk with other parents and their kids, I was an abused child, my sb abused my daughter 11 years ago, and my ss abused my DS recently.

I better go slit my wrists now as obviously I'm no good to be around children... blush

Adikia Sat 01-Mar-14 01:56:24

Things, thanks I'm sorry, I didn't mean that people who've been abused or who know people that have abused kids shouldn't be near children, my son was born through rape when I was 15, it's the way it sounds like she's trying to justify the abuse which worried me.

Plus it can't be that much of a shock to her, it's the second time he's gone to prison in 7 years.

Selks Sat 01-Mar-14 02:00:54

Gave up reading after the fourth line, sorry. Please use paragraphs!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 01-Mar-14 02:15:27

Ah see I missed that bit. So she was with him then, and stood by him?
Dopey git.

I'm sorry actually, I'm projecting a bit.

A close friend of mine went through the same sort of thing. No mutual kids between them, luckily, however she had been 'warned' when she got with him, but it was by his ex so of course he came the 'she's just stirring it'

My friend also minimised the incident/arrest. She said she would stand by him, innocent until proven guilty ect.

Over a year later she now feels angry and mugged off by him, obviously these people (sexual offenders) are intelligent and manipulative, often really nice people, as, let's face it, if they were horrible no one would allow them near their children.. I was tempted to say she sounds like she needs a handhold, or someone to talk to, not to be pushed out. But now I'd say approach with caution, obviously there are female abusers out there and a lot more than we'd like to think,

On the other hand, you're right to be concerned about the school allowing kids to change in full view of parents, I'd be blush about that too, mind you, I have been known to hide DS in a corner to try on clothes which means a strip down to pants or vest lol sure he will forgive me when he's older smile

It's as shitty IMO for the partner of an abuser or someone arrested for sexual offences, as it is for the victims family (not the victim themselves of course) it must be so lonely, and from what friend says, when her home got raided, frightening and shocking.

It's a huge pebble being thrown into a pond really, abuse. So many victims and victims by association.
Btw the woman will probably not want to confide in anyone in case they're milking the gossip sad

What a shame for everyone concerned.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 01-Mar-14 02:16:26

I'm sorry about your experience too thanks

fromparistoberlin Sat 01-Mar-14 23:22:23

hey OP there was another thread on this topic recently

I hate to say it but this woman is an enabler. she is standing by a man that enjoyed watching children get abused... and then dares to say "only watching" fuck .right.off

so frankly for "defending him" she has lost all my respect

that all said, poor poor child

but honestly? someone that defends this behavior, I would not want them around either

but thats beyond shitty for their kids, she should move away really, start afresh

has she ever defended him to you, you say "his wife has done nothing but defend him by saying he "only looked" - as someone needs to pull her up on this

but yes, for defending him...she is not someone I would want around either

fromparistoberlin Sat 01-Mar-14 23:24:47

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight flowers

LEMmingaround Sat 01-Mar-14 23:31:17

what the fuck does it actually matter about the OPs grammar??? i fully understood what she was saying - if she was moaning about the price of nappies, pedant away but this is actually quite a serious issue is it not?

I would like to think that i would be Christian about this and not tar this woman with the same brush as her DH, i would like to think that i would think it was fine for her to walk with my DD. I think that you should try and find it within yourself to do this. BUT i know that i would be uncomfortable with her around my DD. sad

I feel very sorry for her (giving benefit of doubt) but without question feel desperately sorry for her children sad how awful

LEMmingaround Sat 01-Mar-14 23:31:42

and yes, i know pedant is not a verb

preemieparent56 Sun 02-Mar-14 02:18:06

The child is going to be in a very lonely environment when no parent will let their child go visit their home like normally happens.
You need to speak with the woman and explain this, and why you feel so nervous about her being around your children.
Ask her how SHE would feel if it was HER child in the pictures that somebody else was viewing, and HER child that was walking in to school with the relative who was defending the abusing by viewing.

After you have this discussion, you need to evaluate her responses, but my view is that as long as she is openly walking, and not secretively acting, you have a chance to monitor and even influence her future actions with regard to her husband.
She may just be sticking with him because she fears being alone.
Either way she need friendly advice and counselling, not aggravation and hostility that might just harden her attitude and spoil her childs life too.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 02-Mar-14 02:32:07

^ great post

I wish some people realised that behind every one of these pictures is a real child

It must be hard to grasp especially if you've never been affected by abuse but hopefully with time this woman will see through the fog - she may need to be led at first - not everyone is up to that so tread carefully as I said previously op
Good luck whatever you decide to do

KissesBreakingWave Sun 02-Mar-14 02:42:33

Just for clarity, OP, 'making indecent images' is downloading. Downloading makes a copy, on your computer, of the image that was on the computer you downloaded it from, so it's charged as making as in making a copy. Possession would be where you just had paper photographs.

And 'just looked' is how the offender will have minimised it to his wife.

(The other one that gets trotted out is that he's got them by accident, which is a load of cobblers too: I've been poking around the internet since it started, including some of it's more revolting corners, and never come across child abuse images nor even hints as to where they might be found, other than the level 1 stuff the Daily Mail put on their website. You have to be looking for that stuff specifically to find it.)

differentnameforthis Sun 02-Mar-14 08:00:01

what the fuck does it actually matter about the OPs grammar???

Exactly LEM. Those who picked up on it & commented are shitty imo. In this situation, it is the least of op's worries.

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