Incident at school - your thoughts please(44 Posts)
I keep churning this over and would welcome objective (if that's possible) views please.
DD Yr 4 told me yesterday that someone lost something in class. Another child said she saw DD pick it up and put it in her coat pocket and went and looked in DD's pocket and had found it. DD denied it, but both other children went to teacher and said what happened.
Teacher spoke to DD who denied all knowledge and then to the accuser. Teacher then told whole class that she wanted the person who took the object, or who knew about it to tell her in a quiet moment. Later that day, teacher announced to class that the child who had taken the item had confessed and that it wasn't DD.
DD naturally upset, this happened, but didn't know who had 'done it' so I popped in today and expressed my concern. The teacher confirmed it wasn't DD, but that as the other child had confessed and been honest about it, they didn't want to make too much fuss about it, but she felt the girl should apologise to DD. I expressed my concern that a 9 year old would be so devious, but would trust them to deal with it. The child that accused DD has previous history of accusing DD of stealing in Year 3 (she was wrong on that occasion too), which was dealt with then by the form teacher, her current teacher wasn't aware of this when I told her.
Tonight DD came home and it transpires the child who confessed to it, is the same child that accused her, it would appear she 'set' DD up for some reason. The child had apologised, but the teacher has asked DD not to tell anyone who it was and this is sitting hard with DD, as she is terrified someone will find out and the teacher will think she told and broke her promise.
Now I am bothered on two counts, firstly that a child would want to 'set up' my child to get them into trouble. This girl is bossy and very 'mature' in a lot of ways, but usually gets on with DD. I am also concerned that the teacher has asked DD not to tell, so basically keep a secret and this doesn't sit well with me.
I would welcome any other thoughts, although not sure I can expect anymore from the school. Am I being silly and overthinking it all?
Sorry for the long post and rambling, but wanted to get it all down!
I would want to know how is the school taking measures to prevent something like this happening again.
Sorry, about to go to bed, hence the brief answer, but basically the kid gets away with it, who's to tell she won't repeat the performance? As it is distressing for both you and DD, and they seem to want to manage the incident their way (ie asking DD not to tell etc), how exactly are they planning to prevent this from happening. What disciplinary measures are they taking, what consequences will be for the girl if she plays at it again?
I do think you're over thinking it. It's dealt with. They're kids. Y'all know to be wary of this girl but no need to make a mountain out of a molehill.
I would think of this as a form of bullying. Ask the school what their anti-bullying policy calls for as this has happened twice in as many years by the same child.
And as said by Dilidali, what measures are they taking to ensure there is not a third time?
I imagine the teacher doesn't want to 'announce' who confessed to the class because all this kind if thing is distracting and gets in the way of learning. It wasn't right that everyone knew your DD had been accused, but I guess the teacher wants to just nip it in the bud now. I would just want to know that there were consequences for the girl who lied, eg missing break time, writing letter of apology etc.
I would tell the teacher that there has been enough secrecy, if someone asks DD, why should she be expected to cover up for someone who accused her?
I have had some sessions in coaching this uses questions that don't have yes/no answers. I.e. Who/where/what/when/why. These can often be useful, as can "DD's perception is that she is being asked to...."
I wouldn't consider that the teacher is asking your dd to "keep secrets". It sounds more to me like she is asking her not to go round telling tales and gossiping about this other girl which seems very reasonable. There has been an incident, it has been resolved. The whole class, parents, siblings etc do not need to know about it.
I suppose I feel its so unfair. This girl accuses DD, DD's name gets dragged into it all and mud sticks doesn't it. OK they are told it wasn't DD, but this girls gets off without anyone knowing how horrible she has been and that it was all her fabrication all along.
She actually said she saw DD pick the item up in the playground and put it in her pocket, yet it was her who had taken it and set up DD!
I am still fuming about the injustice
What MMcanny said.
It's been dealt with. Don't make it into something bigger than it needs to be.
The class teacher is now aware that (for whatever reasons may, or may not be known to school, but certainly aren't going to be shared with you) this girl tried to get your dd into trouble, and that it happened in the previous year too, so that will be in her mind if there is any further incident.
'Fuming' seems a total overreaction. They are children. They are learning still about all sorts of behaviour and how to deal with it. Don't blow it out of proportion.
I wouldn't be happy leaving this as it is, tbh. I know what you mean about mud sticking. What happens next time when a child loses something (or something is taken, even)? Might some of the children make the initial assumption that it was your dd that time, as she has already been named in context, as it were?
I would put something in writing - perhaps just an email to the school - so that there is a note of what has happened. After all, it has happened twice in different years. What if this child decides to do it again next year, when this teacher has left, and the class remembers that your daughter was in the frame last time . . . Not a likely scenario, I grant you, but not impossible. After all, this teacher didn't know about last year.
I would write and say something along the lines of how relieved you all are that the child has owned up, but that you are concerned that this has happened again. I'd state how worried your daughter is that if the others find out she will be blamed, that she won't go around gossiping about it, but that she is worried about having to lie to people if they ask her if she knows who did it. This is an interesting event, after all, and nine-year-old girls especially might not let it drop too easily. At least then the truth is on record for future ref if need be, and you have raised the question that this might not be fair on your dd.
I would be fuming too. What this child did is actually very serious and not the normal sort of misbehaviour that children may be guilty of. I would want a meeting with the school to discuss.
TBH, I think you have to be the adult & trust the teachers to deal with it as they seem fit.
Let it go, the kids will already be discussing todays drama & forget about the incident with your daughter far quicker if its quietly put to bed.
The teachers will be aware of the other child dishonesty & will be aware for the future.
DS is Yr4, and regularly gets 'set up'... he's very easily set up and we're working with him on how to be less easily set up! But this sort of thing is rife in Yr4....
Talk to the teacher about it? I think you are at least entitled to some reassurance that they have dealt appropriately with the other kid so that it won't happen again; also that DD isn't going to be blamed if the truth about the other kid comes out.
^ what Back4Good said. This only needs to be big deal if you make it so.
I think if its something that keeps happening and not a one off, I'd want proper action taken. It's tricky though as its important the kid confesses and then apologises to your DD. I would tell the teacher that you are unhappy with the outcome for your DD and if it happens again you want a formal school meeting with her patents as it has to stop
Some teachers think too much about how a manipulative bully feels and not enough about the innocent victim
I wouldn't be happy either. The other child doesn't really deserve the cover up, not as this is her second attempt now to discredit your DD.
If it was the first offence, okay, but it isn't.
I also would ask what steps the school are taking to prevent re -occurrence. I don't think they can say this isn't a form of bullying. It's premeditated and malicious.
The other girl should be dressed in a horsehair shirt, put in stocks and pelted with rotten fruit.
IME incidents at school are always dealt with with discretion by they teachers. There is never a name and shame policy, and rightly so.
I think there can be too much discretion, the current teacher didn't know it wasn't the first attempt .
IMO that is relevant to the way the perpetrator is dealt with. She has learnt that she can get away with it, instead of learning that she can't.
The reason that the teacher isn't making a fuss is because the girl confessed and admitted to a) stealing and b) blaming it on someone else. That takes quite a lot of courage.
If she is punished for that, next time she will not be truthful. She will learn to lie convincingly and to deny all wrongdoing. At this age, it is better for her to learn that 'honesty is best and will be rewarded'.
Yes, it's hard on your dd OP but if the girl hadn't owned up to it, your dd would still be a suspect. At least now her name has been cleared. Also, if your dd was the one who had made up a story to cover her tracks and then confessed to the truth, I expect you would want her to be rewarded for her honesty too.
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