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Anyone around to mark this piece of writing for me please?

(12 Posts)
ProjectMe2014 Tue 18-Feb-14 08:16:02

Dd in year 6, was given an outline drawing of a knight on a horse, for her literacy homework. The instruction was 'write a description of Sir Lancelot as he rides by the Lady of Shallot's casement window.'
The following is what dd wrote. I would appreciate if anyone could mark it as a teacher would.

Rthymically, metal shoes clip clop down to Camelot, carrying a rich brown coloured horse, wearing a thick red coat with black leather edging.

This beautiful beast was holding a young respected knight with thick black coal curls held back by a shiny silver helmet, which had a bright red bloom that bounced as his horse trotted along the riverbank.

On his well guarded chest a deep maroon cross padded his thorax.

His heavy, stainless steel suited armour protected him from enemies, the splashes of blood showed how knightly he was.

Red drips on his joust stick as he rode back to Camelot, back to his lover Queen Guinevere who awaits at her casement.

Tall thin barley plants wave at the handsome figure as he rides his noble steed down past the old tower.

His tired face cheered up as he saw the castle of Camelot.

Theconstantlygardening Tue 18-Feb-14 11:55:42

Okay- my ideassmile
Starts with a good use of an adverb and some nice alliteration - clip clop Camelot. I'm assuming the horse wears the red coat and not the rider? I'd quibble a little over shoes carrying a horse - we don't usually talk about people or animals being carried by their shoes.

Nice use of metaphor - thick black coal curls- and more alliteration- silver shiny.

Good use of connective ' which' giving a compound sentence.

Not so sure about the use of 'padded his thorax' as a cross can't really 'pad'.

Good use of personification 'wave at the handsome figure'.

On the downside, I'm not sure this piece fulfils the instructions because it's clear from this description that he's returning from battle and this is not what the writer was asked to do- so depends on how much freedom is allowed for this.

There are a few misplaced commas but nothing too serious.

There is some confusion of tenses_ 'Red drips [present tense] as he rode [past].

Not too sure about the phrase' shows how knightly he was'- you can't be a bit 'knightly'- you are a knight or your aren't! This bit could be better.

It's not clear from your post if the pupils were also asked to include imagery - simile, alliteration, metaphors etc- or if your DD does this anyway in her writing?

It's a very 'poetic' piece of writing and I think it's good - probably a 4a/5c but a lot depends on how much they were asked to write and if they'd had some teaching /input beforehand. I'd assume they had or had read a poem or a book, rather than this being given to them cold?

MrsKCastle Tue 18-Feb-14 22:17:26

I wouldn't rate it as approaching a level 5- more like a 4b. (All the usual disclaimers apply- can't actually level a single piece of writing etc).

There are some nice aspects to it- some apt word choices and details, complex sentences, alliteration.

For me, the inconsistency in tense is the biggest issue- it really detracts from the description.

I would also hope to see a wider variety of sentence structures- maybe some shorter sentences to place emphasis and vary the pace a bit.

I would also want to look at the use of adjectives which isn't always secure (e.g. 'young respected knight').

Theconstantlygardening Tue 18-Feb-14 22:24:44

what is wrong with a young respected knight?
He can be both young and respected though it is an odd combination- but nothing technically wrong.

Huitre Tue 18-Feb-14 22:30:35

You would surely say a respected young knight rather than a young respected knight in English, wouldn't you?

Huitre Tue 18-Feb-14 22:31:08

Black coal curls is a bit the same, though more poetic.

Theconstantlygardening Tue 18-Feb-14 22:33:51

I don't think the word order is really that much of an issue.
young respected knight, a respected, young knight. A comma could make a lot of difference.

Huitre Tue 18-Feb-14 22:35:54

It sounds wrong to me. But I'm not a teacher. I googled and found this, which seems to support my opinion.

www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/ask_about_english/080624/

Theconstantlygardening Tue 18-Feb-14 22:40:18

It's a matter of opinion- one is not necessarily wrong , just better.

Effic Tue 18-Feb-14 22:43:35

Good grief, some of the advice on all these threads is frightening! You can not level this because it is NOT an entire piece. Af (assessment focus) 3 and 4 are vital components of a level. These are all about structure of texts and structure of paragraph - this has none. Af 5 - sentence structure is not great. Some variety of sentence openers. But no connectives, sentence 3 is a phrase, some others are too long and commas have been used as connectives. Tense is not secure. Af 7 - language etc is fab. But the best you could say is this is probably level 3 but you can't level a paragraph.

youhavetogothroughit Wed 19-Feb-14 10:26:48

I am finding this quite worrying. My DS was levelled as a 4b/4a at the end of last year (I hope he has made some progress since) and he could not even begin to write something like this. I am now beginning to think he was 3b/3a. I think this piece has some ambitious vocabulary and lovely imagery.

Teatimecakes Wed 19-Feb-14 13:37:12

It was only a couple of years ago that we were levelling year 6 writing as a one off piece (thank god the poor kids are no longer subjected to that hideous pressure) so as a one off piece, I would say this is securely within level 4. The are a few issues with tense and sentence structure that have already be commented on. The child shows a nice style with attention to poetic effect to engage the reader. I agree, that if part of a complete piece, there is potential for level 5.

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