friends to tea - not asked back

[lainiekazan]

Actually there is an "adult" thread on this subject at the moment!

Dd, 10, has not really been awfully successful with friends. She has one, but she has a few additional needs and now that dd is getting a bit tweenagery she is trying to spread her wings a bit.

Anyway, since September she keeps on inviting this girl round, and at Christmas dd had a party and invited her + others, and no return invitations have been forthcoming. Now, I don't mind that much, but after five visits it does seem that dd is flogging a dead horse.

Now dd has asked again if this girl can come to tea, and I don't want to be too blunt, but on the other hand does dd perhaps need to smell the coffee?

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

there might be another reason. I am a parent who is very insecure about her abilities and lacks confidence, seriously lacks confidence. The thought of being responsible for someone else's child as well as my own terrifies me so I do tend to try and do everything I can not to have people over at the moment (my children are younger though so I am managing to get away with this at the moment and I am hoping as they get older I will get more confident as I realise it is selfish and unfair so please don't shout at me)

Do you think it could be something like this? I think if the child didn't like your daughter then she wouldn't come round when invited, she would make excuses.

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

I agree that there could be another reason for her not inviting your DD over. Perhaps her parents just aren't into having other kids over (do you know them?). Perhaps there is a sibling who makes it difficult to have friends over. There could be any number of reasons. But your DD's friend would not keep coming over if she didn't like your DD! Personally, I would continue to keep letting your DD invite her over. And use it as a lesson in that not everyone's home life is the same?

[Acinonyx]

Does the other child seem to be a genuine friend, i.e. do you think it is the freind who is responsible for the lack of invite rather than her parent? Does she have a lot of siblings (I especially don't expect returns from big families)? If they seem to be getting along OK I would keep inviting her. But if you think she's not really your dd's friend that's another matter.

[WipsGlitter]

I hate having other children round, so I only do it when I feel I really have to. I also work so can only have them round at the weekend. Maybe it is the same with the other mum?

Do they get on when the friend comes round? Do they play together in school?

[PastSellByDate]

Hi lainie

agree there could be other reasons

You might be asking them on a weekday - when it's inconvenient for working parents.

They could be busy: decorating house/ new baby/ etc....

They could be anxious that you're in the 'big house' and they're not (which has happened to us in one case - and it wasn't such a big house - but the friend was in a council flat with very much the Mum with a chip on her shoulder).

We work around it by birthday parties (as you have) and lots of clubs/ activities - which leads to a wide circle of friends and play opportunities there. Not ideal - but does suit our busy working lives as parents.

HTH

[RestingActress]

I find the same, DD loves having friends over so I invite way more than she gets invited.

It does annoy me after a while when I have picked up / collected / fed / watered / taken on and paid for trips etc and it doesn't get reciprocated but it doesn't seem fair to let DD suffer so I do it anyway, and then try not to seethe as I help DD tidy away all the ransacked toys and clear away someone elses kids food off the floor.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

It's a bit of a shame but there could be good reasons. I find quite often the children's (or their siblings) schedules genuinely clash so they might not be able to return the invitation.

[lainiekazan]

I don't like having children round much either! I always get a bit stressed about what to serve for tea. We also have a big dog who is rather boisterous and I have to keep him corralled in the kitchen - not that any of the children seem to mind him, but he can be a bit of a pest. It's like having a toddler who wants to join in and won't be distracted.

I don't really know the other mothers - there are several children who dd has had to tea and I see them at the school gate but in spite of having had their children round the mothers look right through me. I find it a bit bizarre, really.

[lljkk]

some people are very conscientious about inviting back but most parents ime simply won't bother. It's quite weird, but true. We probably host about 5x more often than invited. Mums of boys recipricate more than mums of girls, ime.

to be honest, at the moment I think Dd owes 2 invites (she was invited & we haven't invited back) but she never seems to remember to ask (she's yr7 now, so she has to do the asking).

[teafor1]

Do your daughter and her friend have a good time when she comes over? If so then I would just keep on inviting and don't worry about an invite back.

[gleegeek]

We have a similar situation. I have had dd's one particular friend over probably once every 2-3 weeks since they were 5 (they are now 10 ) Dd has been to play at theirs maybe 4 times in all that time. I could be offended, but this girl doesn't get to have a party for her birthday either so I figure it's her mum's idea of hell to be responsible for another child. I get on very well with this mother and she comes in for coffee when she picks up her dd, so I'll keep on having her to tea

IME if your dd wants to invite this other girl then let her, they probably are friends!

[Galena]

DD has been to tea with a friend every few weeks. However, he's not been back here becuse, frankly, our house is a midden and I'm embarrassed to have people visit.

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

I don't really know the other mothers - there are several children who dd has had to tea and I see them at the school gate but in spite of having had their children round the mothers look right through me. I find it a bit bizarre, really.

I would find this bizarre too, and very rude.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

I should add that the people DD has been to visit have either been here with their mums or the mums know my anxiety issues, I wouldn't just not return the favour.

[Minime85]

I agree too I've now gone back full time to work so having anyone back to play is virtually impossible as much as I'd like to. I wouldn't worry.

[Huitre]

We host loads more than DD is invited back. I don't mind, tbh. DD is an only child so needs to have children round to play more than her friends with siblings do. And for me, having another child of the same age here is quite relaxing - they play together, I don't have to do as much etc. If I had another younger one, I can well imagine the whole experience would be much more stressful! As long as they play nicely both together and at school, I wouldn't worry about it too much. There are loads of reasons why return invites might not be a priority and lots of them have nothing to do with your daughter not being a valued friend to these girls.

[dontknowwhat2callmyself]

It would be a shame to stop inviting your daughters friend (assuming they are genuine friends) just because the invite is not returned. As others have mentioned there may be lots of reasons an invite isn't reciprocated.

[Viviennemary]

I see why you are not too happy about this. But on the other hand the girl does keep coming to tea so she must want to and that's a positive thing for your DD. There are lots of reasons why people don't always invite back. I would just carry on asking her.

[Thewhingingdefective]

If she wants to invite the girl over, I would let her. If she is trying to forge friendships, enable her to do so. Don't worry about the lack of invitations back.

[BrianTheMole]

I'd still let her invite her friend if they get on. It might not be the friends fault she cant invite back. Its their relationship that counts overall.

[rabbitstew]

You only know you're flogging a dead horse if the other child keeps coming up with excuses for not being able to come over to play. If said child keeps coming over when invited and they seem to be having an OK time, together, then why stop it?

[Crowler]

The parents are still very involved in whether an invite is extended at this age, IMO. What has the mother said?

[lainiekazan]

I saw the mother last week when picking up from an after-school thing. I smiled but she carried on talking to someone else and didn't even acknowledge me. I think this is what is particularly cheesing me off, frankly. A swift "Hello, thank you for having Brenda last week," would suffice. Either it's an epidemic of rudeness (as quite a few of the mothers are like this: that "busy, busy, busy" way of dashing about when you know they're not that busy) or it's the third eye in the middle of my forehead that puts people off.

[Crowler]

People are capable of being rude, you know? There are people who I don't know very well, whose children have come to my house at a fairly young age (i.e. they're extra work), I feed them/take them to to park etc, and in one case a nanny collected a set of siblings after an all-day half-term playdate and the mother never even acknowledged it. I still feel stabby when I see her to this day.

Your daughter will remember you making efforts to host her friends. That's all that matters.

[MillyMollyMama]

As an older Mum who has seen two girls all the way through school, I struggled with the rudeness of some Mothers. They only operate within their own friendship groups and everyone else is barely tolerated. It upset me on many occasions. I guess I do live in the big house but my DDs were friendly, well behaved and no trouble to anyone. My problem was party invitations not being reciprocated. I therefore totally appreciate the angst of being blanked by people and the sure fire knowledge that you do not belong in their world. I became friendly with parents of children not in my DDs year in the end via the PTA.

However, do keep inviting the child round because your DD is friendly with her and it sounds like she does not find it so easy to have a wide circle of friends. Try and spread your wings a bit. I found not everyone was unfriendly. Try and find out who your DD hangs out with at school and see if other children might like to come round. Does your DD do any other activities where the parents are more friendly? My youngest became friendly with a girl from ballet class. I wish you well because feeling you are excluded is not a pleasant feeling.