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My Y2 ds tells tales and gets easily upset, teachers tell me what you would do in your class

(42 Posts)
Looksgoodingravy Wed 30-Oct-13 19:38:31

At a bit of a loss really.

I have a very bright Y2 ds, doing extremely well academically.

Major problem being his inability to play as other boys seem to be able to.

Recently had parents evening and teacher immediately started off by telling me about ds coming to her about silly things, small things that other kids shrug off. I'm aware of how DS can react, it's been something we've been working on for a while and since the last parents evening. I realise how annoying this must be for teachers but I'm at a loss as to know the best approach for ds. Ds sees someone doing or saying something wrong and he can't seem to help himself if he thinks they shouldn't have said/done it!

DS teacher was discussing how he could become a target of bullying because of the way he responds to things. I'm also aware of this and it's of great concern to me. I don't want him to be a tell tale, it's something that I know annoys people.

My question I suppose to all out there is what's your experience of this. How did you deal with it. If this sounds like your child when did they grow out of it.

I feel happy/sad atm. Fantastic school report academically but emotionally ds needs to change. How do I guide him better than I'm obviously doing currently.

tricot39 Sat 02-Nov-13 07:50:17

Interesting reading for me too. I have had asperger suspicions about ds from around 2 years. He is quite different to his peers - but not too different from his family blush

He has been struggling with school - social rather than academic stuff but he does seem to be showing an interest in friends - even though he seems clueless!

As well as the social skills book that i suggested above i have also bought some others to read with him/for him to read. I think he just needs to be given explicit teaching where others pick it up by themselves.

Aspergers average age for diagnosis is about 9 or 10 so we decided to actively teach social skills as a "precautionary principle" - ie it will do no harm.

Another thing might be to read "raising a left brained child in a right brained world". This is a bit of a rant against the US school system but i found it interesting as it looks at unsocial and analytic kids as well as those with aspergers and how to advocate for them in school without irritating the teachers!

Looksgoodingravy Fri 01-Nov-13 16:48:13

Foreverweeding, you must be so proud of your DS, he sounds like an amazing young man and one I hope DS turns out like. Must be lovely to know how much he is valued at school by teachers and pupils alike.

I think there are lots more advantages to being 'different' after all if we were all the same life would be pretty boring.

Iloveafullfringe, same here, DS is our PFB (our only child) so we too have nothing to compare other than his cousins (who he sees about once every month) and other children at school.

It sounds like your ds is doing well though. You too must be proud of that despite the worry you have about social interactions. Is it something you're having help with?

Thank you both for sharing your stories and thank you Iloveafullfringe for the link, I'll take a look later this evening, looks interesting thanks

ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 16:16:38


ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 16:16:05

Have a look at [[ this].

ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 16:12:07

TBH I think I always knew, but because he pointed and communicated, and, most importantly seemed perfectly normal in our family, I didn't consciously know it until he was about 10. I'm fairly sure that our whole family has Aspergers to one degree or another, so his quirks seemed perfectly normal to us. Also, as our PFB, we had no standard of comparison.

Like Foreverweeding's ds, he's working out OK. My biggest concern for ds, really, is that in an Aspie family he is not getting the social learning he needs. We are all far to intolerant of each othersad

Foreverweeding Fri 01-Nov-13 15:55:28

I think we realised he was a bit "different" at around 4 - when he started school. We had so many worries I can't even begin to list. A lot of our worries though were unfounded and he is a dream really. No real teenager issues, couldn't care less what the rest of the kids are wearing, listening to, watching etc. for instance, he was given an iTunes voucher at Christmas, has only bought one album which was "The Carpenters"! He says, you can actually hear what they are singing. He couldn't give a damn what other kids think of him. He's very individual, really grown up and throws himself 100% into everything.

He is a member of Boys' Brigade and Saint John Ambulance and has volunteered nearly four hundred hours at local events, giving first aid treatment.

He struggles a little with his school work (but very good at English), mainly has concentration problems (in noisy rooms) but always gives his best. Staff love him and the kids mostly respect him and like him.

We wouldn't swap him for the world!

If your child does have Aspergers, or something similar, it really isn't the end of the world. It can be difficult, yes - but the rewards are enormous. When I look at some teenagers I realise we are just so very lucky.

Good luck! thanks

Looksgoodingravy Fri 01-Nov-13 14:11:12

Thank you both. It's interesting seeing things from a child with Aspergers point of view.

DS very much sees things in black and white and I think that is why he feels he should tell if things aren't happening as they should be. He's always been the same and I feel it's become increasingly more apparent the older he gets.

Just out of interest when did your dc Aspergers become apparent?

I know DS is slightly different in the way he handles some social situations (more so at school and school playground) but that could just be his quirky nature. I'm wary of looking up things on the internet but I can't help feeling that DS shows some traits although this of course could all be part if his character and a normal developmental phase.

He's extremely articulate, teacher also states his language is beyond his years (talked very early) which has helped with his reading and writing, she also stated he has a gift for maths so academically great, socially is where the problem lies.

I don't know whether I'm reading to much into this, I may need to chill out a bit and see how the next few months go with gentle guidance from me and help from the school.

ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 12:11:07

He sounds lovely, actually. Just what I'd like my boy to be smile

ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 12:10:12

Sorry, I jumped a bit at that. Obviously not quotes as black-and-white as I saw it!

Foreverweeding Fri 01-Nov-13 12:01:52

Ilove, it's normally things such as "who turned the lights off when I left the room?" - minor things like that. I don't think any of his peers have been aware that he gives the game away as the teacher I think just keeps a close eye on said individual in future.

I also know he tells some children to their face when they are doing something very wrong, such as intimidating a younger child, and if a pupil is really playing up in class and the teacher isn't coping, he has been known to leave the room and get help. He has never been asked things such as who instigated such and such an argument, or who pushed who first, because, as you said, that is open to interpretation. I think that unless a question had and black or white answer he would just say, I don't really know.

He is a lovely and very mature lad, and has a group of equally lovely friends. I suppose though that they are seen as different by their peers, but accepted. He has grown in confidence enough to be comfortable that he is different. smile

I am sure that things will sort themselves out for the OP as their child grows older. Good luck!

ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 11:41:17

(Grr autocorrect!)

Thought he was being attacked, not stacked.

ILoveAFullFridge Fri 01-Nov-13 11:40:28

shock that's terrible!

What a way to ensure a child is distrusted and sidelined by all his peers. And what about teaching him the social skills required by adults in the real world? Or the fact that aspergians report - as do we all - from their own perspective, and may completely miss facts? (My Aspergian teen thought he was being stacked when slapped hard on the back by a boy playing tag.)

Foreverweeding Fri 01-Nov-13 10:50:29

I have a teenager with aspergers and although he doesn't tell silly tales, he can always be relied on to tell the absolute truth as he sees things in black and white. Many times a teacher has called him back after class to ask who committed a certain act and they can always rely on his inability to tell a lie. He just tells it as it is, and has a strong sense of right and wrong.

He is well liked by all the staff! grin

Looksgoodingravy Thu 31-Oct-13 23:10:42

Thank you Zingally and Tricot.

I like your ideas Zingally with regards to telling tales and reporting, making notes on everything suggested on here.

Tricot, I might just take a look at that book and thanks for sharing the test for telling, it's something I'll definitely be discussing with DS. The 'little adult' trait and being serious both sound like ds, he needs to lighten up sad

tricot39 Thu 31-Oct-13 19:33:01

their tests for telling were:
1. am i trying to help? or get someone into trouble?
2. am i trying to solve a problem? or trying to make myself look good?
3. have i done everything i can on my own to solve this before involving an adult?

tricot39 Thu 31-Oct-13 19:28:47

Don't know if it will help but i have just bought "the unwritten rules of friendship. simple strategies to help your child make friends". there is a lot of good stuff and a section on telling/tattling. the authors reckon it is "a little adult" trait which goes with being over serious. my ds is a bit like this and there were ideas for helping him to.lighten up and be more fun to.blend in/get on better with his class group. we haven't tried much but it looks promising and giving your ds "missions" might be better received by him - after all it is easier to tell them what to do than tell them what not to do & for them to be confused. good luck.

zingally Thu 31-Oct-13 18:31:39

Infant teacher here -

"Telling tales" at this age is common (although more so in girls than boys). I've had classes in the past that have been a very telling tales-y bunch!
The way I deal with it is to teach them the difference between "telling tales and reporting."
Telling tales is when someone is doing something you don't like, or that you think is naughty or rude. eg: "Sarah stuck her tongue out at me!"
Whereas "reporting" is letting the adult know that someone is doing something dangerous. eg: "Sarah is throwing pencils at me."

Encourage you son to think about whether he can deal with this problem himself, such as saying "don't do that" or whether its a problem that really needs adult support.

I do a lot of work on this in class and it does work. Try it with your son. It might also just be that he doesn't have the strategies in place for dealing with normal playground conflict. Arm him with some scripts he can use when others don't play nice. eg: "please stop grabbing me, I don't like it." "Please don't shout, it hurts my ears."

Looksgoodingravy Thu 31-Oct-13 16:52:31

I also need to address the way he reacts to others, think this is what his teacher was getting at with regards to the bullying issue.

Ds reacts and this makes certain individuals respond and want another reaction from him and atm he plays to the crowd. I've told him if he doesn't react others will get bored and stop what they're doing (possibly) - hope this makes sense.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 31-Oct-13 16:35:03

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and ideas.

It's hard isn't it and it's that fine line of not wanting them to be discouraged to turn to a teacher when really needed.

Had a hormonal day yesterday and actually cried about this (to myself) as I felt most of the parents evening was about this and a little bit at the end so say doing really well academically. It is the area DS is struggling with though so it's good we've discussed.

Had another chat with ds, he tends to try and avoid any kind of discussion about this and I find myself talking to the side of his head as he gets distracted, just something I think he wants to avoid thinking about atm but we will (hopefully) get there.

peachesandpickles Thu 31-Oct-13 09:05:40

Third paragraph should say Yr1 not Yr2.

peachesandpickles Thu 31-Oct-13 09:03:50

My year 2 dd sounds very similar. She gets overly involved in situations that have nothing to do with her out of concern for others. She is overly sensitive and a worrier.

I have spoken to her about it many times and have explained that if the children involved in an incident and can let it go she has to let it go too. She finds it very difficult though.

When she was in Yr 2 she went through a phase of being upset as she thought other children were picking on her friend. It was really affecting her so I spoke to the teacher who was adamant that there was no problems and that the other girl was fine. She even checked with other girls mum and all was fine. Yet dd was really upset at what she perceived as mean behaviour.

I think it is a tricky one to deal with as you want your child to be confident enough to go tell an adult when needed but they also need to learn how to get along with others and deal with minor issues.

I like the response a previous poster uses 'are you in this story' and I'll try it with dd.

Cat98 Thu 31-Oct-13 08:50:27

Ds (yr 1) is like this.
However he also has some trouble with another boy in the class and at one point last year he didnt tell the teacher when this boy wasnt being nice to him because he was scared, so the teacher reinforced that he should tell her. Not in yr 1 he's telling again about anything and everything from the sounds of it!
It is hard to get a balance.

toomuchicecream Thu 31-Oct-13 07:52:35

I sometimes ask the children what they'd like me to do about it. When they look confused I suggest they go away and think about it, and when they've decided what they want me to do with the information they come back and let me know. That never do.

Galena Thu 31-Oct-13 06:35:39

In y3, I'd encourage the children to think through:
Is it dangerous?
Is somebody being hurt?
Is it impacting you?

If all 3 answers were no, then I didn't want them to carry on!

Obviously if a child who rarely came to tell me about something came looking troubled I would let them carry on, but those that came up several times a day would be reminded of the 3 questions and sent away if they had 3 x no answers.

mamadoc Thu 31-Oct-13 01:16:58

He is in a really normal developmental phase.

According to Piaget (big guru of child development) children aged 5-10 have very rule based morality. They just know that breaking a rule is wrong and it's very black and white for them. Break a rule equals need to be punished.

It's not until 10 or 11 they get a more sophisticated understanding of why rules are for the good of everyone, there are reasons to follow them outside straight consequences and sometimes it can be right to break a rule.

I think others have given better practical advice but I just wanted you to see it is normal and not feel so disheartened. They perhaps all feel like this but aren't confident to speak up. For my DD also Y2 role play of stuff like this with toys or puppets or stories about it helps.

DD wouldn't say boo to a goose at school but at home she comes to me incessantly telling tales about her little brother. He did x or y thing wrong, he hit me, he won't share (he is 2, it is usually true). I never quite know how to handle it as I do want her to be able to tell me about problems and clearly he should be punished for some of it but often I feel she needs to find a way of dealing with it herself as I can't be the playtime police every day (half term has been stressful).

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