My Y2 ds tells tales and gets easily upset, teachers tell me what you would do in your class

[Looksgoodingravy]

At a bit of a loss really.

I have a very bright Y2 ds, doing extremely well academically.

Major problem being his inability to play as other boys seem to be able to.

Recently had parents evening and teacher immediately started off by telling me about ds coming to her about silly things, small things that other kids shrug off. I'm aware of how DS can react, it's been something we've been working on for a while and since the last parents evening. I realise how annoying this must be for teachers but I'm at a loss as to know the best approach for ds. Ds sees someone doing or saying something wrong and he can't seem to help himself if he thinks they shouldn't have said/done it!

DS teacher was discussing how he could become a target of bullying because of the way he responds to things. I'm also aware of this and it's of great concern to me. I don't want him to be a tell tale, it's something that I know annoys people.

My question I suppose to all out there is what's your experience of this. How did you deal with it. If this sounds like your child when did they grow out of it.

I feel happy/sad atm. Fantastic school report academically but emotionally ds needs to change. How do I guide him better than I'm obviously doing currently.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Must also add that I approached the learning mentor last term about the same thing.

Think there has been a slight improvement since then but nothing significant.

I will be approaching her again.

Who said parenting was easy

[Looksgoodingravy]

Must also add that I approached the learning mentor last term about the same thing.

Think there has been a slight improvement since then but nothing significant.

I will be approaching her again.

Who said parenting was easy

[intitgrand]

Thay are all telltales at that age.Don't worry he will grow out of it!

[Looksgoodingravy]

Whoops this should be in Primary Education, sorry.

I'll ask for it to be moved!

[weneedtotalkaboutkettles]

My friend teaches year 2 and always complains about this - I don't think it's that unusual

I think role play can be really helpful for these sorts of scenarios - would you tell the teachers about this? Yes? Why? Who is that helping? Perhaps some cards with serious problems (like bullying or stealing) and not so serious (minor infringements of rules) and divide into two categories and talk about why.

I wouldn't worry too much though! At my friend's school she has:

"Miss, X pushed me!"
"Did he say sorry?"
"Yes!"

"Miss, Y pushed me AND HE SAID SORRY!"

Friend is

[manicinsomniac]

I don't teach anybody younger than 8 so I don't know if this is appropriate for a 6 year old but I usually get the children to think about what they are getting out of telling the tale. I tell them that if they or someone else has been hurt, upset or disadvanteaged by something another child has done then an adult needs to know, that isn't tale telling and most children will tell for these reasons so they won't get laughed at. If however, the behaviour isn't affecting them or any other child then I gently point out to them that that is getting another child into trouble for no reason and is likely to put backs up.

[ILoveAFullFridge]

This over sensitivity is quite common in very bright children. It's a sort of asynchronous development.

The tale-bearing needs to be dealt with in a sympathetic way, recognising his personal distress and dealing with it compassionately.

[Spikeytree]

I teach secondary and they still tell tales on each other. Even my sixth-formers can be guaranteed to tell me who has just written their homework in the common room on the way to the lesson. I'm bemused by it as being a 'grass' was the worst thing possible when I was at school, now they fall over themselves to tell on each other over really minor things.

[Littlefish]

I tend to say, " Is your name in this story?"

It helps some children to realise whether it is something I should be hearing from them, or whether the child involved and named should be the one to tell me about it.

[WooWooSister]

No advice sorry but I'm interested to see what the responses are, as I'm having a slightly similar issue with my ds (4).
He's having a problem with another little boy in his class, and I advised him to tell teacher if the other child upsets him/is mean to him. When he tries, the teacher tells him off for telling tales. I'm a bit about their approach tbh but realise they see it as a fine line between supporting a child and encouraging tale telling.

[annie987]

This can drive me crackers when teaching.
I always say to the children in my class to think if the behaviour is affecting them in any way or is it dangerous.
If the answer to both questions is no then I ask them not to come and tell me as I will normally spot it for myself and it can really impact on a child's education if they spend 50% of their time worrying about and reporting the behaviour if others.
I also say this to my own children - if it's got nothing to do with you leave it.

[TwllBach]

I teach two Year Two classes having come from Year 4 and Year 6 and am exasperated by the telling tales. Honestly, it is the one thing that is likely to get my blood boiling ha

As far as I can tell, they all do it, but I also teach Year One and Year Three and haven't noticed it in those classes, so maybe it's just a phase they go through?

[ILoveAFullFridge]

Spikeytree TBH I'm not surprised, given the 'tell-a-teacher' attitude that seems to pass for an anti-bullying policy in some primaries.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Thanks for the replies, even though I originally posted in AIBU by mistake!

Some food for thought. Like the idea of using cards to portray different scenarios.

Ds and I talked at bedtime (his usual time for opening up) but he finds it hard to grasp really. I know what I'm saying to him isn't really going in, it's something I'm going to have to work on and hopefully in time he will outgrow this phase naturally.

It's hard making him understand that fine line between what's right and wrong and what he should be able to sort out himself without seeking out an adult to tell his tale to.

He's not malicious with his tales, I'm sure Ds genuinely believes he's cleaning up the playground of bad behaviour.

I'm quite upset about this really and hope we can sort through the issue before it becomes more serious with regards to the bullying, this will stem from his over sensitive nature (even though he's very outgoing) and other kids get a huge reaction out of him so come back for more.

Argh.

[Periwinkle007]

my daughter (Yr1) doesn't tell tales, she waits 'til she gets out of school and then explodes about the unfairness of other people's behaviour - distracting her, not following rules so she loses out on things when the whole class gets punished, naughty children being rewarded when they do something tiny that is not naughty but the good children don't get rewarded and so on. Makes life very very miserable but it the oversensitivity and unjustness does seem to affect very bright children more I think.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Peri, your dd has done extremely well to be able to control her emotions and hold them in until after school, I wish ds could control his emotions so well.

[mamadoc]

He is in a really normal developmental phase.

According to Piaget (big guru of child development) children aged 5-10 have very rule based morality. They just know that breaking a rule is wrong and it's very black and white for them. Break a rule equals need to be punished.

It's not until 10 or 11 they get a more sophisticated understanding of why rules are for the good of everyone, there are reasons to follow them outside straight consequences and sometimes it can be right to break a rule.

I think others have given better practical advice but I just wanted you to see it is normal and not feel so disheartened. They perhaps all feel like this but aren't confident to speak up. For my DD also Y2 role play of stuff like this with toys or puppets or stories about it helps.

DD wouldn't say boo to a goose at school but at home she comes to me incessantly telling tales about her little brother. He did x or y thing wrong, he hit me, he won't share (he is 2, it is usually true). I never quite know how to handle it as I do want her to be able to tell me about problems and clearly he should be punished for some of it but often I feel she needs to find a way of dealing with it herself as I can't be the playtime police every day (half term has been stressful).

[Galena]

In y3, I'd encourage the children to think through:
Is it dangerous?
Is somebody being hurt?
Is it impacting you?

If all 3 answers were no, then I didn't want them to carry on!

Obviously if a child who rarely came to tell me about something came looking troubled I would let them carry on, but those that came up several times a day would be reminded of the 3 questions and sent away if they had 3 x no answers.

[toomuchicecream]

I sometimes ask the children what they'd like me to do about it. When they look confused I suggest they go away and think about it, and when they've decided what they want me to do with the information they come back and let me know. That never do.

[Cat98]

Ds (yr 1) is like this.
However he also has some trouble with another boy in the class and at one point last year he didnt tell the teacher when this boy wasnt being nice to him because he was scared, so the teacher reinforced that he should tell her. Not in yr 1 he's telling again about anything and everything from the sounds of it!
It is hard to get a balance.

[peachesandpickles]

My year 2 dd sounds very similar. She gets overly involved in situations that have nothing to do with her out of concern for others. She is overly sensitive and a worrier.

I have spoken to her about it many times and have explained that if the children involved in an incident and can let it go she has to let it go too. She finds it very difficult though.

When she was in Yr 2 she went through a phase of being upset as she thought other children were picking on her friend. It was really affecting her so I spoke to the teacher who was adamant that there was no problems and that the other girl was fine. She even checked with other girls mum and all was fine. Yet dd was really upset at what she perceived as mean behaviour.

I think it is a tricky one to deal with as you want your child to be confident enough to go tell an adult when needed but they also need to learn how to get along with others and deal with minor issues.

I like the response a previous poster uses 'are you in this story' and I'll try it with dd.

[peachesandpickles]

Third paragraph should say Yr1 not Yr2.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and ideas.

It's hard isn't it and it's that fine line of not wanting them to be discouraged to turn to a teacher when really needed.

Had a hormonal day yesterday and actually cried about this (to myself) as I felt most of the parents evening was about this and a little bit at the end so say doing really well academically. It is the area DS is struggling with though so it's good we've discussed.

Had another chat with ds, he tends to try and avoid any kind of discussion about this and I find myself talking to the side of his head as he gets distracted, just something I think he wants to avoid thinking about atm but we will (hopefully) get there.

[Looksgoodingravy]

I also need to address the way he reacts to others, think this is what his teacher was getting at with regards to the bullying issue.

Ds reacts and this makes certain individuals respond and want another reaction from him and atm he plays to the crowd. I've told him if he doesn't react others will get bored and stop what they're doing (possibly) - hope this makes sense.

[zingally]

Infant teacher here -

"Telling tales" at this age is common (although more so in girls than boys). I've had classes in the past that have been a very telling tales-y bunch!
The way I deal with it is to teach them the difference between "telling tales and reporting."
Telling tales is when someone is doing something you don't like, or that you think is naughty or rude. eg: "Sarah stuck her tongue out at me!"
Whereas "reporting" is letting the adult know that someone is doing something dangerous. eg: "Sarah is throwing pencils at me."

Encourage you son to think about whether he can deal with this problem himself, such as saying "don't do that" or whether its a problem that really needs adult support.

I do a lot of work on this in class and it does work. Try it with your son. It might also just be that he doesn't have the strategies in place for dealing with normal playground conflict. Arm him with some scripts he can use when others don't play nice. eg: "please stop grabbing me, I don't like it." "Please don't shout, it hurts my ears."