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Need advice- Problem with school submission- anyone experienced this sort of situation?

(26 Posts)
keelo123 Wed 23-Oct-13 02:33:54

My son, 9, and daughter, 8, both attend a school in which they are very happy and settled. I also really like the school which is a bonus and all round it's pretty much a perfect set-up for us. Until I stumbled across a bit of a problem...

I was informed the other day, that my ex's new wife has applied for her son (also my ex's child) to go to the same school as my children. This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the fact they are always trying to make things hard for me and the fact that none of us can get along for longer than 5 seconds. I have get the creepy kind of feeling that his new wife just wants to copy everything that I have I done and I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable with that. Anyway- I just think it is a really bad idea for this happen as trouble, argument and school grounds don't really go well together and I really don't want my own children or anybody else's to have to witness anything they should not have to. I need advice on how or if this application can be stopped. I feel that strongly about this not going forward that I am actually willing to discuss moving schools with my 2 and figure out if leaving the school would actually be more beneficial all around!

If anyone has any advice that could resolve this problem for us then please get in touch!!


MidniteScribbler Wed 23-Oct-13 02:41:03

You can't stop them getting a place! How about just acting like a bloody adult and not engaging with them? You're the ones causing children to "witness anything they should not have to".

keelo123 Wed 23-Oct-13 03:06:35

Obviously not if that is what I am trying to avoid!? You might want to jump down from your high horse and read things properly before you start getting off on being horrible to genuin people who actually have respect for people and there feelings. I didn't ask for anyone to try and belittle me or give their views on me- I asked HELPFUL ADVICE on a situation! Now if you don't mind- go and do your nasty midnight scribbling somewhere else where negativity and bullying is tolerated!! People like you should be ashamed of yourselves!

MidniteScribbler Wed 23-Oct-13 03:14:33

And that is obviously why you can't act in a civil manner in the school yard. I can read just fine thanks. And I still fail to understand why a group of adults cannot manage to avoid each other and not have a raging argument in front of their children. It takes two to have an argument. Just walk away.

You simply cannot attempt to influence who can and cannot attend your child's school. The school would be opening themselves up for a real legal challenge if they refused this child a place just because you say so. If you cannot act in a civilised manner with your ex, then the only choice you have is to pull your children out and send them elsewhere.

keelo123 Wed 23-Oct-13 03:55:03

Which is exactly what I have suggested myself- I've actually stated that thanks for noticing. I'm not arguing the fact they should bend the rules for my say so am I!??? NO! Did I once say that it is me that goes in seek of them!??? NO! Did I even once say that it is me causing any of the negativity thats between us!??? NO! I really think you should mind your own business with this one because you don't know me, my past, the other party in question, reasons why we are at this point in our lives or even any of the simplistic facts in the whole situation that differ things in many directions! Your totally twisting things to how you want to see them, or is that the way you would deal with a situation? Wait- don't answer that coz I ain't interested in a fighting response from some busybody who nit-picks at innocent people trying to figure out the most beneficial way of reacting! It's people like you that cause all of this animosity and restrict peoples will to talk freely about problems instead of argue, use violence, bottle up and totally choose the wrong way for things! I hardly ever use this type of thing for advice because of people like you- just as well I am sensible and won't use this experience in a stupid way- but- thanks for trying to make me feel like the guilty party, a horrible good for nothing but I know a lot better so there for your ignorance hasn't influenced my life, my feelings or my decisions in anyway, shape or form so if it is power your after- maybe you should convert your strong will for it into something more practical- but obviously not the good Samaritans- I don't think your quite the type they would be looking for! I'm really lacking interest in this so don't expect another reply from me trying to fight for my innocence or get one up on you because I'm not even bothering to check your response or even think about what you could cough up next!

deXavia Wed 23-Oct-13 04:06:32

I have to admit I agree with MidniteScribbler - your kids are happy, why move them - esp the 9 year old as they will move soon for secondary school. Unless there were child protection issues - in which case of course whole other story... but I'm assuming not. But from your responses its obviously a situation that has a lot of raw emotion still.

It is up to the adults to work out a way to be civil. You don't have to like each other but you do need to get on, especially for the short time of drop off/pick up. I'm assuming your exH's new child will start at reception so hopefully even that will not be a regular cross over at the school gates.

It may be the new wife's decision, it may be based on your exH liking the school his other kids go to or it may be just more convenient (do they ever have to do pick up? Would another school make that more difficult?). Actually don't over think it - seriously don't second guess why they are choosing the school.

Speak to your exH either direct or through mediation but the main point should be how can the adults act in the children's best interest including the best school option for all 3.

SanityClause Wed 23-Oct-13 05:48:08

You can't stop them applying for a place at the school.

Your choices are limited to 1) ignoring their negativity like an adult or 2) if you feel incapable of doing that, move your DC to a new school.

Frankly, the fact that you are even considering how you might stop them applying to the school makes you sound a bit unhinged, and your second post does nothing to dispel that impression - the reverse, in fact.

Perhaps you do need to look to your own behaviour? I'm not suggesting your EX and his wife have never done anything wrong. But you can't change their behaviour, only your own reactions to it.

KaFayOLay Wed 23-Oct-13 05:56:35

I would stay put if your kids are happy there. I find the playground is big enough to avoid any unwanted discussions.

Maybe you could get counselling/or whatever else may help to get over the issues that you seem to have.
I guess it's easy to be bitter and twisted, the hard bit is accepting change and moving on.

Tiggles Wed 23-Oct-13 09:30:14

If your ex has applied for his children to go to the same school as his other children the only person who can decide to change that is him and his new partner. So you would need to talk to them about it.

TeenAndTween Wed 23-Oct-13 09:35:44

There are lots of parents at DD2s school that I never talk to, even in her class.

If both of you are happy to ignore each other it should be fine.

otoh, if you are spoiling for an argument, it won't be fine.

Captainbarnacles1101 Wed 23-Oct-13 09:39:46

I have to agree with previous posters. You do not have a say who goes to the school. And you are being massively selfish by suggesting you move your children. Be an adult and rise above it. If they try to start a fight or whatever in the playground walk away and do not rise to it. They will soon get bored and pple will see u r not party to any nastiness. I think u need to calm down and take a deep breath and rethink this.

LIZS Wed 23-Oct-13 09:43:12

Don't engage ? Is your ex involved with your dc , do the staff know him ? Maybe they also just like the school above other options and are not out to get you personally.

4Fags Wed 23-Oct-13 09:46:23

1. Under no circumstances try and influence where your children's half brother/sister can go to school with the authorities. No one will listen to you and you will come out of it looking unreasonable.

2. If you think your kids can't deal with their half-sibling being in school/seeing your their fathers wife, move the kids. But if it's all about your feelings and your conflict with your ex and his wife, I think then the onus for change (ing attitude) is really on you.

In addition:
1. Your children will be leaving school very soon anyway.
2. Maybe it will be nice for the half-siblings to get to know each other?
3. Maybe you could just avoid the parents in the playground? Often KS1 and KS2 don't mix anyway.
4. Maybe you could meet your ex before the child starts in reception for a discussion to see how you will navigate the playground?
5. Maybe the school is in your exes catchment? Most people don't have that much 'choice'.
6. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

PeterParkerSays Wed 23-Oct-13 09:46:46

Is there a breakfast club at school, so you could drop your children off to school early and avoid seeing whichever parent drops the other child off? Likewise an after school club?

I do agree with the other posters though, your children are already at the school and happy there - focus on that and ignore any other children at the school.

steppemum Wed 23-Oct-13 09:54:33

your kids are 8 and 9 and are therefore in KS2, the new child will be in reception. We are a small school (one form entry) and it almost never happens that I am in same assembly/nativity/concert etc etc with my KS1 and KS2 children.

We hang around and wait at pick up near their classrooms, and reception is other end of school to KS2. So I think actually it would be very easy to avoid your ex and his wife.

I would like very nicely and gently to point out that your second and third posts are very emotional. Midnite obviously touched and nerve and you massively overreacted. We understand that you are worried, who would want to stand at the school gate with someone they have a lot of friction with, but can I suggest that you need to find a way to ''smile and wave'' and walk away, so that you don't interact with them. You do not have to have any important conversation at the school gates, you can just walk off. But it is going to take some serious thinking on your part about how to do that.

If your children are happy, then don't move them, why don't you give the situation a chance?

steppemum Wed 23-Oct-13 10:00:56

It might interest you to know that there are a family in our school who have been through a very acrimonious divorce over the last year.
Parents are not on speaking terms, and depending on kids, they can both be in the playground at the same time.

The other parents just chat in a nice way to both parents, whoever happens to be there. It is none of our business.

Littlefish Wed 23-Oct-13 16:16:03

Your reaction to midniteScribbler was absolutely unnecessary and makes you sound completely unreasonable.

You cannot stop your ex applying for a place for his child. All you can do is ensure that you behave in a mature and reasonable manner if you come across them.

NynaevesSister Wed 23-Oct-13 16:54:57

Wow over react is an understatement. If you fly off the handle like that at the least provocation, even if you feel justified, then you are right to move. Your ex knows this and clearly uses it to make you blow up. I can see you are not the sort of person who will stop and think oh am I over reacting etc so for the sake of everyone just leave. Feel sorry for your kids though given that neither you nor your ex can act like adults.

pippop1 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:01:22

Try and take it as compliment that you have made a good choice of school for your DC.

To be honest there are probably lots of adults in the playground who don't speak to each other for various reasons. They keep away from each other, keep quiet and no one knows. You can do this too.

newgirl Wed 23-Oct-13 17:06:09

Yours will be in juniors hers in recep so hopefully you can avoid each other

It's grim but in villages and small towns not that rare

3bunnies Wed 23-Oct-13 17:30:25

I'm guessing that your dd is probably in yr 4, ds yr5? You will only have 2yrs overlap and certainly in our school year 6 parents are a very rare sight as the children bring themselves to and from school. It will probably only be a year that you are even up there for and if it bothers you too much then arrange a quiet meeting point for you and the dc.

The new wife will probably be eager to fit in and won't want to make big scenes in the playground - remember she has more to lose as she needs to show her face there for years to come. It will probably also make it easier for when they visit their father as it will just be one school pickup, if their pfb was at another school then your dc might be put in after school club etc so they can juggle the pick ups etc.

Have your dc been put down as siblings and does the child qualify for a sibling link. Obviously your ex would be unreasonable to expect you to let the school think that your children are living with him more than they are just to secure a place, but beyond that I would just leave things as they are and try to avoid them as much as you can.

It must be hard though seeing his child going to school when at about the same age for your dc he had a child with another woman, maybe this explains some of your strong feelings?

EdithWeston Wed 23-Oct-13 18:35:50

On the point OP asked, there is nothing she can do to influence the application in any way at all. It will all be decided on how well the candidate fits the criteria.

If OP thinks the school will indubitably become unbearable, then her only choice is to seek a new place for her own DC. I she can find another course - and that might involve all the adults examining and changing their recent patterns of behaviour- then perhaps all can use the school.

This is nothing to do with the rights and wrongs of what may or may not have happened before. It is everything to do with putting all the DCs interests first, and making the best possible decisions are made to further their interests.

And, pragmatically, if it all kicks off in the playground, all the adults will be barred from the premises. The DC will be mortified, of course, but they won't be witnessing poor behaviour on a regular basis.

tiggytape Wed 23-Oct-13 19:11:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindaMcCartneySausage Wed 23-Oct-13 19:34:14

OP, your ex's child is your DCs' half sibling. Moving schools feels like you are banning the siblings from mixing in case you lose your rag in the playground.

You don't say that your ex and his wife are unhinged or pick on you, just that you all bicker. In which case, you are equally guilty of losing your cool, i would suggest. As other posters have suggested, you need to avoid your ex and his wife, rise above any slights (perceived or otherwise) and keep your temper in front if your DCs.

You can't stop their application. Moving your DCs to another school sounds hugely disruptive for no good education or practical reason. It's a good school that you're happy with and your DCs like.

I assume that, as it's a good school and is presumably convenient for them, your ex and his wife have firm, practical reasons to apply to the school other than purely to piss on your chips.

RatherBeOnHoliday Thu 24-Oct-13 12:41:20

I think people are being a bit harsh. You do sound emotional but I can totally understand why, particularly if you were not expecting them to apply to the same school.

I don't think you can do anything, nor should you try to as it may make you look like you are in the wrong.

I would agree with what others have said about talking to someone separate from school and from the situation, an understanding and helpful family member or friend. Maybe thinking about a few sessions at relate as this may help clear your thinking. I'm not suggesting the problem is yours more that I'm trying to think how you can be helped to feel a bit better about a really tough situation.

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