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DS been in school a week and I've got to go and "discuss his behaviour"

(60 Posts)
aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Thu 19-Sep-13 21:46:10

My DS has been a school just over a week, only a few days FT and I've had a call tonight asking for a meeting with me.

Tuesday, he was "spoken to" by a senior teacher twice. Once for shoving someone and once for hitting. He told me the second time it was in retaliation to something being done to him that wasn't seen. We done the big talking to, unacceptable behaviour, go and tell an adult etc etc and he was very upset. He lost some privileges, and was told what the consequences would be should it happen again. He had a good day yesterday and came home with a good behaviour certificate. We made a big fuss and gave him back some confiscated items. However, on collection today he tells me he's been naughty, but without any consequences (no bad points). He told me he hurt someone but it was an accident and he said sorry. However, I literally walked through the door, and his teacher rings asking me to go in to "discuss his behaviour". (Going on Monday). We had quite a chat and she told me he shoved someone against a door deliberately and without reason. She suggested he omitted to tell me the full story (he got 4 bad points) as he knew his favourite teddy would be confiscated. When I questioned him, he still denied getting these points but that he was trying to get inside as he was getting wet. Sounds to me like he was being a bit heavy handed and not thinking of others before pushing past.

Again, we had a "I'm disappointed" talk before removal of teddy. He was beside himself and went to bed at 6.15pm - and straight to sleep.

He has been to preschool since a baby so is very used to other kids etc but not so used to the strict discipline that school provides as nursery was crap at discipline.

I'm just so torn. I need to nip this in the bud right now. I want my child to love school and have lots of friends, but its not going well at the moment. I know I need to stamp it out and be tough as he has to learn appropriate behaviour...but its not easy sad.surely the school understand this time is difficult for these kids just starting and that their behaviour may not necessarily be typical of how they will be in a few weeks. Who knows what I am in for when i meet with the teacher on Monday.

Sorry, a bit of a long ramble there. I just feel sad cos he is lovely really

BirdyBedtime Tue 24-Sep-13 13:21:53

I am glad that your DS seems to be settling down OP and hope that the positive behaviour continues.

I was going to make the same point as BlastOff though - many of the responses mention the OP's DS being 'poor boy', 'typical boy' 'normal' and I have to say I find that unhelpful.

In the past week my DS (youngest in his class) has been hurt 3 times by the same boy in his class (oldest in the class) - once the boy pulled his jacket hood so hard that it hurt DSs throat, once pushed in class and yesterday I got a note home saying that DS had been hit on the forehead in the playground at lunchtime with a litter picking stick and DS told me that it was the same boy using the stick as a sword. I don't consider this 'typical' or 'normal' as the majority of children don't do things like this.

I know that the boy has lost golden time for it and just hope that his parents are as upset as the OP and try to deal with it as she has.

SirChenjin Tue 24-Sep-13 12:21:54

That is great news OP - sounds as if the school (and you) are both dealing with this really well, and hopefully he'll settle down very soon smile

BlastOff Tue 24-Sep-13 10:41:14

Can I just come in as the mother of an also lovely little boy who loved his first week of school until a boy started pushing, kicking, and shoving him.

I felt relaxed that it was normal as you discussed to start with, but now my confident happy little boy doesn't want to go to school because of a child possibly like yours. It is heart breaking as the mother of the child of the receiving end of behaviour like your child, and so I totally understand why school feel they need to stamp on it straight away.

I think it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of dealing with it, but I do think the school are right to deal with it straight away. Please remember there is a sad mum and boy for every child your child hits/pushes/ shoves; his behaviour has consequences.

roisin Tue 24-Sep-13 08:29:31

That sounds like a brilliant and very positive meeting. Well done and fingers crossed for a good week for ds.

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Mon 23-Sep-13 21:57:47

bit of a strong word * I meant

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:48

Hi, just to update, DS behaved today and his teacher and I had a very positive meeting after school. She will only feedback to me and not CM and we will have a book which she will let me know each day how he has been. I do feel if he knows I am being told about his behaviour, it will help. I told her that she must punish (big strong word but ykwim) any bad behaviour but I won't be doing so as well. I will however support and reinforce their rules. DS came in then and we spoke to him together and he was ok.

It sounds like he is beginning to settle and needs to learn to calm down a bit. She did say my DS is not the only one, and how nice it is to speak to a parent who is prepared to work with her. Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments and suggestions and help me view this from a different point of view than my emotions. Fingers crossed the good behaviour continues.

SirChenjin Sun 22-Sep-13 10:45:49

Good luck tomorrow - keep us posted? Remember that the school is (or should be) just looking to flag this up to you sooner rather than later and put something in place to help him that makes everyone happy smile

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Sun 22-Sep-13 10:42:27

Just caught up with this....thanks for all your comments,videas and opinions. Given me lots to think about. He certainly gets lots of exercise as, like my dog.....and others DSs on here, he needs to run off energy every day otherwise he would be 10 times worse. DD by contrast has to be dragged away from her arts & crafts or books. So although many don't see differences between girls and boys, they do seem to be in this house.

We have had a very relaxing weekend with lots of cuddles and gentle chat about being kind to others and how rough play isn't always nice. Tiredness is playing a part as after 2 lazy days, he is a lovely little boy again.

We will see what this week brings .

tiredaftertwo Sun 22-Sep-13 00:07:09

Try not to worry OP, this sounds very impulsive. I've got much older dc, and I really would not double punish. It is up to the school, you back them of course, praise good behaviour but don't withdraw comfort or affection at home. He may need to be treated like a younger child for a while. I'd go easy on the stickering too - on Monday morning, the weekend is a loooong way away to a little boy finding reception difficult.

I can imagine how you feel, and of course one's instinct is to Do Something to sort the problem out. But I would try not to. He probably needs a bit of time, security, sleep and happy relaxed times at home. I'd get him to tell you briefly what has happened, discuss what he could have done to avoid getting into trouble, reassure him without condoning his behaviour, and change the subject. Be gentle and positive - he is much more likely to copy that in the heat of the moment than remember some sticker scheme. The message to get across - and it is not easy - is that he must not hurt other people and the school is right to stop that - but that you will always listen to, and try to see, his point of view.

campion Sat 21-Sep-13 23:48:49

My DS2 found out that if he leant heavily on smaller classmates they sometimes fell over blush He was one of the youngest in the class and I think he found it hard to fit in.

His lovely reception teacher had a word, told me not to worry too much, just wanted us in the loop.We had a chat with him along the lines of not a friendly
thing to do, he would be upset if it happened to him etc and not to do it.Getting cross would have been pointless.He stopped doing it and settled in.

They're babies at 4.Negative points?I doubt even the army would use that as a training technique.

starlight1234 Sat 21-Sep-13 21:42:44

just another point of view...I tell my son who is now yr 2..he can talk to me about anything that has happened in school..he has been told off. moved down .I will chat to him about how he could of handled it differently or improve but he has already been punished at school..He does know however if I am called in that is a different matter as the school are asking me to be involved..

Starting reception is exhausting and he is likely to settle down.. He does need to learnt things such as keeping your hands to yourself and kind words. but needs to know his mummy loves him no matter how hard school is..

squiddle Sat 21-Sep-13 09:25:21

As a mum of girls I only see this from an outside perspective. Some friends with boisterous boys have experienced the same as you. The one who has managed it best recognised her son's very physical nature and took him for a run around the park BEFORE school (and after for that matter).

Helpyourself Sat 21-Sep-13 09:15:22

Please stop the typical boy excuses. Is he getting enough exercise? He sounds frustrated. And he doesn't need to be on a tablet or a ds at his age.
Is there anyway you can maximise the time you're with him over the next few weeks? Time this weekend and at school drop off ad pick ups?
flowers be kind to yourselves at the same time as reinforcing the being kind and not physical rules.

louby44 Sat 21-Sep-13 09:06:26

I'm a Reception teacher too and certainly agree with crazzybabs. I currently have 3 children (2 boys, 1 girl ) in my class who need lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement to behave appropriately.

Lots of talking about rules and expectations, constant modelling behaviour and pointing out of other children behaving correctly is slowly beginning to work. Although 1 boy I feel has further issues that will need addressing.

We too use the traffic light system (Going for Green) and it does work, along with lots of stickers and other rewards along the way.

School is a BIG change, even if kids have been to fulltime nursery school is very different, loads of things to learn and adapt to.

I'm sure the meeting will go well and the teacher will help you and your son to make school life more enjoyable.

roisin Sat 21-Sep-13 08:05:03

Yes, I don't agree with double punishing either. School is school; home is home. BUT it is extremely helpful if school keep you closely informed of what's going on, especially if he may tell lies to you.

We had a very wobbly start when ds1 started school; but school took it very seriously, dealt with it very seriously and he soon cottoned on to the expectations. (He's 16 now and has had very good behaviour record and excellent results for over 10 years now!)

Home-school communication is key. When he'd been good for a bit and met his targets, the Head Teacher invited him to have a biscuit in her office and gave him a special sticker. When he came home he was thrilled and said "No-one else in my class has a special HT award sticker. Now, to get another one all I have to do is be really naughty again and then be good for a bit." ... :-o :-o I was astonished and appalled by his logic, but let the school know immediately, so they nipped that in the bud immediately!

mummytime Sat 21-Sep-13 07:44:31

The boy - girl thing. Most boys need to run around madly at least some of the day, and may have a smaller personal space than adults expect, so "bump" into each other more. Most girls are a bit better at social cues, and sitting quietly.
Therefore in some schools most girls can seem "better" behaved than boys.
I have a DS and two DD, at least my DS and one of my DD are not very "typical". However even my DS who is lively but finds soccer too rough really, has got into trouble for not sitting quietly at school. My non-typical DD has got into trouble for behaviour that was described as "more usual in a boy". And they all attend/attended a school which was good for boys, and has activities such as whole school exercise after sitting still in assembly.

The draw back of girl culture in school is they can look "as good as gold" but there can be far more subtle "nastiness" going on. Where as usually with boys it's more inclusive (at this age) and if someone is mean its more obvious to supervising adults.

namechangeforareasonablereason Fri 20-Sep-13 23:57:49

I have reread your post, if I found out that DS school was handing our negative points, of any sort, no matter how they put it - I would go ballastic, exactly is if he was losing play time.

Positive rewards is way more effective for children, negative points, 4 years old first weeks in school - makes me so ANGRY on behalf of these children.

On the teddy note, can I say, I know that there is a school of thought that says that you shouldn't say a punishment you don't keep, (and I don't think 4 year olds should be punished), but there is nothing wrong with saying "daddy and I have had a think and we think we were wrong to threaten to take away teddy, it was a mistake". Going through with it - especially if it made you cry - was wrong!

Do you want him to learn to behave because he wants to be nice or because he is scared you are going to take something he loves away. And it is good to teach them it is ok to admit to a mistake or being wrong, that even grown ups aren't right all the time.

There is a fantastic website if you are interested - AHA Parenting. here if you like their FB page you get bite sized chunks pop up.

I find rough housing really effective with mine here

We have it instilled in us that we want our children to be "good", to "behave", to "co-operate", but they are still babies at 4. I want mine to want to be kind because it makes them feel good to be nice.

I am not perfect, I shout at them at times, I lose my temper (like I did last night with DD when she wouldn't, just wouldn't go to sleep), but I apologise, the next day I told her, mummy was wrong, mummy was unkind and mummy feels sad because I know I shouldn't have shouted at you. Later on at bed time we talked about going to bed, but it was way more important to me that she knew I had made a mistake and no-one has the right to lose their temper and shout at her.

Gentle Parenting is a different way of parenting, I have heard it called lazy parenting and the world has this idea we let our children run riot, but it takes a lot more thinking to parent this way.

That was very long and I know a lot of people dismiss it as hippy nonsense, I just thought you may be interested - I am not saying its the best way, or the only way, just because it works for my family it may not work for yours, - so I hope you take it in the spirit it is intended.

AbbyR1973 Fri 20-Sep-13 22:13:38

Re punishments for misdemeanours at school, I usually talk to them about what happened at school, make it clear that it's not acceptable. No further punishment is issued at home except I insist that the apologise to their teacher immediately on arriving at school the next day. Indeed there was one occasion last year when DS was rude to his teacher, and when he got home I made him write a letter of apology. He has been absolutely good as gold ever since (touch wood.)

lljkk Fri 20-Sep-13 19:42:47

Lots of boys kids have bad start to reception. You just have to work thru it. I'll spare you DS's horror story.

davidjrmum Fri 20-Sep-13 19:29:37

We have 2 older girls and a boy. We definitely found it different when our little boy started school. There seems to be a lot more rough and tumble and it's a difficult balance I think for little boys to do enough to show that they won't be pushed about but not be seen as being aggressive themselves. Our little boy seemed to come home covered in mud every day for the first month he was in school because someone had "pushed him over". He toughened up quite a bit over the first term which in some ways seems a shame - why should he need to toughen up at age 5. When we had his 6th birthday earlier this year it was completely different from birthdays for our girls. Pass the parcel quickly descended into who could throw the parcel hardest at whom (game quickly over!) and we spent a lot of time just trying to keep control. I could see why he needs to hold his own in the playground. Having said that I'm hoping that having a boy this time means that we won't go through that awful age 8/9 stage with girls where they start getting into little cliques and falling out all the time!

Blu Fri 20-Sep-13 19:21:00

No, no, you are not the troublematic mum with a 'little shit' or any such thing. It's all normal, so far.

It sounds as if the starting school thing has got to you all a bit.

Have a relaxiing weekend, give him lots of affirmation (in a subtle kind of way, not rewards or a big hoo ha) when he is polite and helpful and kind, and enjoy yourselves.

yetanotheranothername Fri 20-Sep-13 19:06:32

Watching and hand holding with interest because in exactly the same position with DS who's just started reception! (also name changed). Also have a DD who's been there for a couple of years with absolutely no problems whatsoever! I did anticipate that we'd have a few 'issues' and so did discuss it with his teacher at the home visit but it's still horrible when you get the 'can I have a word'....
It's interesting to hear view on 'punishments'. I know I'm guilty of punishing at home too much when it has been dealt with at school (usually no tv etc) and I think I also go on to him too much about why he's done what he'd done etc so he eventually zones out.

Re the boy thing - I know they have to behave as well as girls but I definitely think that the way some of them play (I know- a massive generalisation)- superheroes, knights etc does lead to more problems in playgrounds in particular. DS loves playing games where he is 'fighting baddies' and they all end up getting carried away -(nursery had to ban it). As a generalisation DD and her friends are playing cats cradle, skipping etc and the boys are tearing around and the little ones get over excited with all the bigger children around. DS in particular wants to play with all of DDs friend that he knows which also causes problems as he is becoming a bit of a pest...

Anyway- here's to a relaxing weekend and a better week next week wine

JohnnyUtah Fri 20-Sep-13 18:47:49

No. And you need to drop the "typical boy" idea. He needs to behave as well as your DD, boys aren't an alien species. (I have two, much older than yours.)

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Fri 20-Sep-13 18:46:00

Sorry mummytime, lovely school, young teacher (but they are all young compared to me), state school

aarrgghhwhatdoIdonow Fri 20-Sep-13 18:43:17

[Cake] and wine to the others going through this as well.

Is it a boy thing do you think?

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